Is this my fault? Can you drive someone to cheat?

[LoserAtLove]

Hello everyone. This is very difficult for me to say this. But, outside of my parents I really don't have anyone to share this with. Well where to begin. I have dated my now ex girlfriend for a little over 3 years. We started dating on valentines day 05. Things started off rocky. She had just ended a 4 year relationship with her fiancee that she claims she never loved. That had proposed to her twice. (Whom to this day still tries to rekindle things). So she was hesitant to start a relationship and tried to end it with me everyday for the first week. But, past that part the first year was magical. Because I did everything I possibly could to be the greatest boyfriend in history. I had sex only to please her and didn't enjoy as much as I looked at it like a test. I spent over a $1,000 on bday and xmas. A guy that was 24 at the time making $8 hr. I even pushed away all my friends that I thought where bad influences. But she was good to me and I felt genuinely loved me. Came from a good religious family.

 

The second year we started having problems. One thing I forgot to mention was that about a year before this relationship. I had been in a 4 year relationship with a girl that cheated on me with at least 3 different people so lets just say I wasn't the most trusting person. This got worse as this current relationship went on. As one day I decided to read her journal. I think this was the point when everything went down hill. I read in her journal that on our 3 or 4th date she had kissed a guy at a club I took her to for my friends birthday. Her rationale was that I was checking out girls on the metro north on our way there. (In my defense if anyone has been on a 11pm metro north train to grand central on a warm saturday night. There are going to be wasted people that do anything for attention. Keep in mind the seats only face one way.) I continued to find out about her talking to guys and flirting. No cheating. My obsession grew and grew over the next year. To the point where I installed a keylogger on her pc. See year 2 and 3. She was always looking for guy friends. Her reasoning was that she was raped by her older brother at a very very young age and always wanted that brother figure. I would always become enraged with jealousy and point to things I read in her journal or read in text messages as evidence. Because she had only really been with me and her ex because of what happened with her brother. I also looked at this as a relationship that I wouldn't be cheated on. Plus all the pills an everything I did to make sure I was a hr in bed all the time it couldn't happen.

 

Side note we did live together for roughly six months. This is about a year and a half in the relationship. It started off great but I lost my job and was home alot in a very small one bedroom apt. Eventually we where getting on each others nerves to much and felt like we couldn't breathe. So I moved back home with my parents. i just felt like because I moved into her house she always felt like she could throw me out. Although I was paying most of the bills.

 

Lets fast forward to two weeks ago. In our 3rd year. This was a turmbulant year with alot of make up and break ups. Actually in the last two years we must have made up and broke up 8 times. But two weeks ago was big because I convinced my parents to let her stay at our home while she got her bathroom fixed. I thought here is a good opportunity to see if we could make the living together situation work in a different environment. I thought the fact that she was willing to stay for me although my parents didn't like her. She knew my friends and family didnt like her. I think it was because for the most part I only went to them when I was angry at her and painted a bad picture. I also looked at this as sign that she really wanted us to work too. Well the first week and half was great. Then one morning she asks me to get some info from her book. I do. Then I notice there are some notes not school related from someone. Just some nonsense. But this intrigues me to snoop. So I do and find out that she had gone on a date with someone while away in RI to see her family. A very old friend that she knew had feeling for her. That had told me this. She claims nothing happened. And I believe her. The next day she creates a myspace page. This really pisses me off because she is 26 and at this point if you don't have a myspace page why would you need one now? So then things really get to get weird, and I have a hunch something is going on. "This guy rights to her and says"I miss you baby. Can't wait to see you." Now I'm like wtf. She responds on his myspace page saying just. "muah". Then her younger brother replies "I see you have a new boyfriend. I'm going to keep my eye on him." Im like wtf. This guy who is calling her baby is her mechanic who she had been talking about to frequently for my taste. I am so angry that I break up with her over this. While she leaves for her parents place in RI. We don't speak much for that week. I was trying to go for no contact for awhile till she came t her senses.

 

About 4 days later she says that she wants to bring me my stuff cause me going to her place is too painful for her. I agree. Still very.

As soon as she opens the car door and I see her I melt. She is just so beautful. I even blurt out just looking at you I feel like I can forgive anything. We end up going out to eat and having a great time.........

Except on the way back. She keeps bringing up her mechanic Ben. How I should get a better car, and look into cars more. Then she won't need someone like that in her life. I said to her. The way your talking to sounds like your ****ing this guy. In a joking fashion. She pauses and says whatever. This intrigued me. So later on that day. I go into her myspace page and delete him and other douche bags from her friends list, since I feel like where going to get back together. She calls me freaking out in under 2 mintues that Ben (the mechanic) was gone from her friends list. I was like wow that was fast you said you where going home and taking a nap. She says: "He text me that he was taken off and what was going on." I ask her wtf is going on no response. So i get resourceful and check her email. Turns out she wrote to one of her guy friends that she had been dating this guy for a few months. That she had sex with him on there 5th date. that she felt like such a slut in a joking fashion.(I waited 3 weeks. Her previous ex 1 year.) She continues to deny this after I confront her and said that whom ever I talked to was lying. She said that she called BEN and he didn't speak to me.

 

I then tell her I found out by reading her email and read it back to her line for line. Now Im heart broken. And have been in tears non stop over these last two days. The thing that gets to me is that she lied to me and cheated on me knowing, what I went through with my ex. My mother seems to think im attracted to flirtatious women. But she was born with a very religious family and made me go to church many times. I feel with all my jealousy and acqusations over the years that I pushed her to this. But the other thing that really gets me is that im 27 her last ex was 35 and she always said we where too immature at times. This guy she is dating and called her new boyfriend is ****ING 19!!!! WTF!!! Thats the same age as her younger brother!! Her reasoning behind it was that she wanted to feel young and attractive again.

 

Any thoughts, or advice, or comments would be greatly appreciated.

[luvstarved]

Don't walk.

 

RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You caught her red-handed and she denied.

 

It really isn't entirely clear reading this whether you were technically together or technically broken up when she started with this guy, but...she denied it either way. And...

 

She talked about this guy while around you which is a secret little fun way to rub your face in it. That's just mean-spirited.

 

She's not 19 and should be more mature than this.

 

You did not drive her to anything. Her actions are her own. Sure, jealousy could have played into your overall problems but nothing made her go behind your back, lie to you, etc. She could have just said "I can't take the jealousy" and broken up with you honorably.

 

You're still smitten with her but you are smitten with either mainly her physical appearance directly or a pretty-person-inside that you imagine because she is a pretty-person-outside.

 

It does not sound like she is pretty inside. Open your eyes and see the beast...

[LucreziaBorgia]

The only way that you would be responsible for her sleeping with someone else would be if you drugged her and some other guy, laid them down, took off their pants, spread open her vagina with one hand and with your other hand, guided someone else's penis into her vagina.

 

As it is, she chose to cheat - you did not choose that for her. You did not put someone else's dick in her vagina. She did that all on her own.

 

Now, that said I would have to say that it is good that this relationship is over. You and she tried to build a new relationship on the smoking ruins of your past ones, and smoking ruins are never a good solid foundation. I hope that you will give yourself a long time to heal and not date for a good long while. These relationships have given you some severe issues which need to be cleared up before you even think of dating again.

[LoserAtLove]

Thanks Luvstarved your right. She was modeling for quite some time. But the strange thing is during that last month or so she was really starting to break out. Like the stress of things was really getting to her. But there definitely was a beast there. I wish I would have listen to everyone around me sooner. Listened to my brain and not my other head.

[LoserAtLove]

LucreziaBorgia ouch. Thats soo graphic. Ive been having nightmares back to back nights over this already. But you're absolutely right. I actually signed up on a few dating sites to try and cope. But, Im not ready. Hell I couldn't even properly speak to a recruiter. How would I date after this?

[LoserAtLove]

She has always denied everything. Whether it was some guys phone number she got at a club. I didn't check out her information everyday or anything but when I did there was always something. ALWAYS!!! 100% of the time. She has the nerve to say Im psycho or paranoid. And always used the fact that my ex cheated on me as to why I was wrong. I tried to explain that you don't do that to people you love. That you don't even put yourself in situations where you might cheat.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How would I date after this?

 

I wouldn't even consider dating until you get this stuff sorted out. As long as you are having those horrible mental pictures, and are hurting, and find yourself suspicious and jealous you are not ready.

 

Do you have someone that you can talk to about this in real life? A pastor, a therapist, a best friend, etc? It might help to get it out that way as well as getting it out here.

[Spectre]

It isn't your fault, your gf just happened to be a whore. It happens to the best of us, sometimes it takes a while to realize, some chicks can hide it really well.

[Sal Paradise]

She's a lying, cheating whore. Run away from this train wreck as fast as you can. She is a pathetic excuse for a human being. If you try to get her back you're basically giving her permission to treat you like crap.

 

None of this is your fault but if you get back with her you will have no one to blame but yourself when this happens again. Because trust me, this WILL happen again. She sounds like a serial cheater, there is no hope for this relationship. Move on before she wrecks your life beyond repair. Just be thankful that you don't have any kids with this piece of garbage. You can make a clean break.

[LoserAtLove]

While I don't have anyone in the real world I feel that comfortable talking about this. I feel like I will finally stop having these nightmares. I feel like there are people that do actually listen and have been through what I'm going through. Thank you all very very much. I'm still feeling crushed but at least in my heart I know that I am making the right decision. That its not just some paranoia. I'm seeing a trainer now at the gym. I figure I can get out some of my frustration there for the same price as a shrink, and i'll probably get better results.

 

You guys are right I gave my last girlfriend a second chance. She cheated on me again. Hell my parents went to the gym my last girlfriend worked at. They told me they never saw anyone as openly flirtatious as she was. I have got to stop being such a nice naive guy.

[AussieJack]

She's a lying, cheating whore. Run away from this train wreck as fast as you can. She is a pathetic excuse for a human being. If you try to get her back you're basically giving her permission to treat you like crap.

 

.

 

OH dear , oh dear . You made SO many mistakes that I don't know where to start, AussieJack is almost stumped for words - imagine that !

 

Men, NEVER EVER get attached to a woman ( more correctly,a female ) who is still emotionally or physically connected to the "live remains of her previous disaster".

IF you ignore this priceless piece of wisdom , you will become the guy who provides constant EGO repair and Validation to her via your fawning attention to her. TO ensure a supply of attention the woman will offer you various 'victim' stories from her last LTR. This is designed to hook you into a "rescuing "role. You then mold yourself to HER emotional needs hoping that she will fall for YOU after seeing how great of a guy you are.

A guy in this situation is like a supplier of drugs to an addict. She will use you for everything you can give her and than cheat on you when someelse comes along who offers her a FRESH supply of attention. By this time she is ADDICTED to male attention and having a man run after her like a whipped puppy - and that was you, buddy.

 

How many guys here can relate to this ?

PUt up your hands ?

[twice_shy]

Loser, just forget about her. She isn't trustworthy and you will not be happy even though you think you might.

 

You deserver better. Move on and find someone decent.

[elij]

I think you can drive someone to cheat with jealousy. But in your case, it sounds like your girl just lost her honor.

 

My present girlfriend, she broke with me in part because of some jealousy from me, but at the same time unfortunately for me along came a guy that was offering an alternative. The two were linked in that respect. My jealousy opened the door for that. That said, the present is not the future. You can do something about your situation. Though, unless you are sure you are totally in love, move on to someone else. The pain and suffering I have gone through to win my girl back is not recommended.

[m101882471]

if any girl left me for a 19 year old tweeder who still gets boners when he doesnt expect it I would laugh in her face. You are so much better than that. She got caught and she lied red handed its doomed forever. Take a break go out with some guys player poker and drink a bit (responsibly). You are going to be hurt for awhile.

 

You can go out bang a bunch of girls (try to get over it). or take time off the dating scene as it will be very hard for you to trust woman again but just know that not all woman are like that and you are going to have to find the right one.

[Spectre]

I think you can drive someone to cheat with jealousy. But in your case, it sounds like your girl just lost her honor.

 

My present girlfriend, she broke with me in part because of some jealousy from me, but at the same time unfortunately for me along came a guy that was offering an alternative. The two were linked in that respect. My jealousy opened the door for that. That said, the present is not the future. You can do something about your situation. Though, unless you are sure you are totally in love, move on to someone else. The pain and suffering I have gone through to win my girl back is not recommended.

 

This is BS my friend, plain and simple. You can't blame yourself for simply being jealous, everyone gets jealous and if they claim they don't, they are lying.

 

I am not saying jealousy is ok, but it isn't any reason to cheat. If a girl has a boyfriend who's jealousy has gotten out of control, the right thing to do is spend some time apart so he can work on getting over this particular issue. I do NOT mean going on a break where you see other people etc. Just give him some time to fix the issue, if he can't, then you end the relationship.

 

If a girl's response to a jealous bf is to sleep with another man, thus confirming the bf's very fears, that is just slutty. Jealousy might cause a girl to break up with you, but it doesn't cause her to take off her clothes and have sex with another guy. Do not blame yourself, guys who blame themselves are just puddy in the hands of girls who do not truly respect or care for them.

[pureinheart]

I think we can drive a person to look elsewhere because of cruelty and destroying love, although we should end one before starting another....some people are just given to cheating because of their own low self esteem.

 

The mature way to handle difficulties in any relationship is communication....not cheating....

Edited March 22, 2008 by pureinheart
major bad spelling