i wasn't good enough

[e.clipse]

As most of you know its difficult when someone cuts you out of their life. It knocks you down and creates self-esteem problems in thinking that you simply weren't good enough for the person you love more than anything.

 

many broken-hearted people post on LS, in hopes of finding comfort, solace, and understanding, amongst other things. typically, it is the one who was left who comes on here to post under these specific sub-forums to share their thoughts, stories, and pain, hoping that someone will listen and provide them with a little piece of shoulder, even if cybernetic.

 

and it is because many here are with mangled hearts, that many readers approach many threads with much tactfulness and humanity. after all, a broken heart can be threaded back together, but if we grate the individual pieces to dust, then it is nearly impossible.

 

No Contact then becomes the sermon of choice, closely followed by Take Your Power Back and It's Not You, Sweetie, It's Them. in all honesty, i think i know them all by memory, just like a Sunday School chorus.

 

and yet, the one that stands out the most--to me, anyway--is the last song: the one that sends the message that we weren't really the problem as much as they were.

 

truly, NC is a game like any other that requires premeditation and strategizing, and the Empower Yourself and all of its variations is the aftermath of the brainwashing of the multitudinous self-help authors who love to recycle the obvious.

 

but that last one, why are we so quick to say that it was more us than they? surely no one believes that they had no fault in the demise of any relationship, but it is a common and recurring theme on LS to think that someone, with the exception of obvious culpability, the OP is the lesser of two evils.

 

maybe we are. maybe we are not. but to say that we weren't should be the default.

 

and then, i come across a quote, like above, and it makes me wonder: despite our efforts, our good qualities, our share of blame, and our flaws--and despite theirs, as well--they are the ones who left. thus, doesn't it make sense that we really were not good enough for them? i think so.

 

that is not to say that we will not be good enough for someone else, because surely we will. however, to say that they left and in the same breathe encourage the OP that they were the ones who were not good enough, anyway, is misleading, i believe.

 

sometimes it's just best to be honest with the reality of things. there is no need to sugar coat. it only harms us more, in the end, in regards not just to relationships, but to everything in general.

[atc2410]

and then, i come across a quote, like above, and it makes me wonder: despite our efforts, our good qualities, our share of blame, and our flaws--and despite theirs, as well--they are the ones who left. thus, doesn't it make sense that we really were not good enough for them? i think so.

 

That is a vast over-simplification. It's not that we weren't good enough, it's just a combination of change, timing, circumstances, character, age, growth, maturity, priorities etc. It's not reasonable to reduce all that to "we really were not good enough for them".

[KittenMoon]

Aw. You know my story better than anyone here, and even I think this is oversimplification.

 

I FEEL all the time like I wasn't good enough for him. But I KNOW that I was good enough, and quit frankly, better than he deserved.

 

But we all know the epic heart vs. brain struggle, so that's no easy statement.

 

Try to think of all the people in the world who do stupid things when we all know it's not right. Sobriety is not "not good enough" for drunks and druggies. In same way, we're not "not good enough" for them, y'know?

 

I know its not exactly the same, but still.

[LuCidiTy]

That is a vast over-simplification. It's not that we weren't good enough, it's just a combination of change, timing, circumstances, character, age, growth, maturity, priorities etc. It's not reasonable to reduce all that to "we really were not good enough for them".

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

 

However, in using the words "not good enough," I think what most people mean is something else. I don't think people intend to reduce so much to this feeble, pitiful-sounding lament. What they're typically really doing is trying to understand what happened or to explain the complicated or simply unexplainable where words or knowledge or even self-awareness fail.

 

So I agree...you have to define and qualify "good enough." Instead of using those words, try substituting what you're really thinking. Were you too mean for them? Selfish? Unresponsive? Distant? Insensitive? Too ugly? Fat? Smelly? There at the wrong time? Immature? Clingy? Uneducated? Naive? Distracted? Unfaithful? Not a good enough shoulder to cry on at the moment? A doormat? Too easy? Inflexible?

 

Then say that instead of "not good enough." Once you do, you'll see that what you're saying doesn't even remotely imply "not good enough." Not even if you stretch it hard. And then, in most cases, you'll probably find more clarity, recognizing that it might be the other person this applies to, or to both of you, or that it was something that just couldn't be controlled.

 

And I would add one thing (well, expound on really because it's already there in the quoted post in a way). It's pretty rare that any one person in a relationship comes out of it entirely blameless, no matter how it might feel when you're mulling over a failed relationship in your mind. Just as you share in the forming of a relationship, you share in its falling apart.

 

But that still doesn't mean you weren't "good enough."

[PinkRibbon]

I don't think it is because we are "not good enough" for that person...I think it is a matter of we were "not the right person for each other." I was definately good enough if not better but just not the right person.

[sedgwick]

Although I've spent the last eight months telling myself I wasn't good enough for him -- and there's still 90% of me that believes that -- I also know that I did everything within my power to be an amazing gf. I cooked for him, knitted him little surprises all the time (including some very complicated alpaca gloves and a cashmere scarf he never wore), wanted sex with him all the time, told him constantly how hot he was and how he was the only man for me, never gave him a hard time about running off to play music, gave him long massages without asking for (or ever getting) reciprocation, always helped him unload the tour van and carry equipment up four flights to his apartment, bellydanced naked for him, left love notes in his suitcase when he went on tour, ran errands for him when he was out of town, told him constantly how talented he was and how much I supported him, sneaked him off to the tour van for quickie sex before shows, went to all his in-town gigs -- I think overall I tried pretty hard.

 

So of course there is the part of me that wonders why I wasn't good enough for him to do those sorts of things for me. I think that if I tried so hard, surely he would have tried hard too if I were worth it. I'm trying to fight this, but it's tough.

[PinkRibbon]

We could have worked our butts off for these people and not that it wouldn't have been good enough it just would not have been what they needed. We are definately good enough we just were not the right people Sedgwick. You are awesome but you were not what he needed. You are going to make someone an awesome woman and on the other hand someone will be the awesome man you need!!

[Ariadne]

I cooked for him, knitted him little surprises all the time...

 

Wow! You really loved him, ha?

 

That sucks.

[ninjaturtles]

To be honest, deep down in my heart, I will always agree with the thread message.

 

What are the possible other reasons? Especially when the main ones eg lack of trust, unfaithfulness, lack of attraction etc are not the reasons.

[Trialbyfire]

Everyone's bar is subjective. That's why the term "good enough" isn't true, at all. In my opinion, it sounds like a plea for a pity party.

 

If someone views the representation of self-esteem, as someone who's a b**tch, and you're not one, does this make you "not good enough" or simply the wrong person for the job?

 

Compatible views and similar valuations, are more likely to become successful relationships. Keep in mind that there are a whole helluva' lot more components of attraction and maintaining a thriving relationship.

[sedgwick]

Wow! You really loved him, ha?

 

More than I ever thought possible. More than I ever loved anyone in my life.

[Lishy]

More than I ever thought possible. More than I ever loved anyone in my life.

 

You did too much for him!

 

He never appreciated you as you never gave him cause to, it was all on a plate! Men like bitches (they wont admit it though) the more aloof you are the more they like you! The more you do for them the less they appreciate you and that is the truth, so remember that for when you meet your new love!

[KittenMoon]

You did too much for him!

 

He never appreciated you as you never gave him cause to, it was all on a plate! Men like bitches (they wont admit it though) the more aloof you are the more they like you! The more you do for them the less they appreciate you and that is the truth, so remember that for when you meet your new love!

 

God, that's so depressing. The idea that to keep love, we have to give less than 100% of our love.

[Lishy]

God, that's so depressing. The idea that to keep love, we have to give less than 100% of our love.

 

 

No no no

 

To keep love is easy, to get the love in the first place is the hard part!

 

You all may disagree but you have to keep yourself unpredictable - If I had a guy doing what Sedge did for her BF I would wipe my feet on him on the way out of the door! You need to balance what you give and what you get.

 

I am very tough on any guy I meet, but they all come back telling me they miss me and they lost a good thing! And they are right!

[LuCidiTy]

You did too much for him!

 

...Men like bitches (they wont admit it though) the more aloof you are the more they like you! ...

 

I think this appears to be VERY true of some men, but then again, maybe they're so hung up on something else (appearance, boobs, whatever) they forget to notice until it's too late.

[KittenMoon]

I am very tough on any guy I meet, but they all come back telling me they miss me and they lost a good thing! And they are right!

 

Yeah, but they still leave, and if you love them, their bad decision does you no good.

[LuCidiTy]

Guess there's a fine line between smothering someone and caring for them?

[Lishy]

You cannot stop someone from leaving if that is what they want, all you can do it protect yourself!

 

I would rather someone leave me when I was a bitch to leaving me when I did everything for them!

 

I have been on both ends and it sucks when you have given it your all!

[Lishy]

Guess there's a fine line between smothering someone and caring for them?

 

Exactly!

[KittenMoon]

Guess there's a fine line between smothering someone and caring for them?

 

I'd say there is more of a fine line between "it's working" and "it's not".

 

Molecules seem to seperate a successful relationship and a failed one.

[1bee]

no relationship is ever 100% perfect. it requires work from both sides, even when they last. there are some days when one person drops the ball and doesn't work or care as hard as the other and vice versa. when a breakup occurs it either means one or both person(s) gave up or one of them fell in love with the idea that there is someone DIFFERENT AND BETTER out there for them. i feel (since i do this a lot) that when the person who is dumped claims that they weren't good enough for the one who left them, they are not really looking for sympathy so much as a definitive answer on just what the hell they did wrong and how could they fix it. it is much easier to place the blame on yourself then to hold your head up high and have delusions of grandeur when your lover walks out of your life forever. of course the dumpee would carry the burden of a failed relationship on their shoulders (not because deep down, we really know that not ALL of it is our fault) but because we really want to remedy the problems within ourselves so that we never encourage another person to hurt us this bad again.

 

the dumper almost never gives the dumpee a legitimate reason for leaving. they're always vague, giving half assed, sugar coated, cop out answers like "it wasn't you, it's me, we're better off as friends, i have too much on my plate right now, i love you, but i'm not IN love with you anymore.." instead of answers that would actually help us. Hey, @$$hole. I know you're not attracted to me anymore. No matter how nice you try to put it, it's not going to make me feel any better. So you might as well pull out the list of flaws i have. because flaws, no matter what they are, are mostly psychological and can be fixed with different thinking, counseling, and exercising. we've been in a relationship for x months, x years. AND NOW you decide to act like a stranger to me. f##k you too, sweetie

 

but i've digressed. being "not good enough" for someone is also universal. because no matter what the male/female dumper runs away to, if they want a long term relationship, they will have to deal with and work around certain "flaws" of a significant other. there will be days where their lover just won't look attractive for whatever reason, weight gain/change of features is inevitable as couples grow older, occasional nagging/put downs in arguments. no marriage or long term relationship is ever without one of those moments where a person finds their lover to be unattractive at times. there is no such thing as "better" because even when you run away to that "perfect catch" you'll still suffer times of mediocrity.

 

we can spend all eternity asking ourselves why that person our exes chose over us is so much better, but we will never get an answer. instead, blaming ourselves makes us feel that maybe we have some control in this. we're responsible for the destruction of our relationships, therefore if we can find the root of our unattractiveness, the thing that made our ex run away from us, then we can also cause the success of a relationship (someday) too.

[EllaDerSpin]

Yes you can do too much for someone. You can make someone feel abit helpless or weak, which isn't a nice way to feel and eventually destroys the feelings.

[Storyrider]

Don't you think each of us is cosmically and universally "not good enough" by definition of being human? Even if you're not religious, this is still a component of humanity. One doesn't have to dwell on it though.

 

I have also recently come to think that we try to control each other too much. We think we're not good enough because the attempt to control the other person's feelings toward us didn't work.

 

I'm beginning to think the best we can do is live side by side, and give anything we do give without the expectation of receiving anything in return, but just because we want to give it. When we no longer want to give it, we should stop.

[LuCidiTy]

yeah...to many people a lot of love and even breaking up seems related to control. mostly, accepting that there are some things you just can't control and aren't responsible for is a neat trick. great point.

[e.clipse]

That is a vast over-simplification. It's not that we weren't good enough, it's just a combination of change, timing, circumstances, character, age, growth, maturity, priorities etc. It's not reasonable to reduce all that to "we really were not good enough for them".

 

change, timing, circumstances, character, age, growth, maturity, priorities, etc, are just that: etceteras that prance around in a circular route, without getting to the core of the matter.

 

all of the issues you listed are components in all relationships at all times; they do not just show up when a relationship fails to try to present themselves as explanations. they are components and they are present in relationships that fail, just as they are in relationships that thrive. so, what is the difference?

 

simply, that we were not good enough for that particular person, who went through change, at that time, under those circumstances, at that age, at their maturity, or at their top level of priority.

 

to reiterate: it does not mean that you will never be good enough for someone else or perhaps for that very same person, at a later time, but it still stands that today, at this moment, you weren't.

 

color it pink it you want, the real picture is clear.

 

I think that if I tried so hard, surely he would have tried hard too if I were worth it.

 

but he didn't. i'm not trying to put you down, sed, but it's the truth, now isn't it?

 

Everyone's bar is subjective. That's why the term "good enough" isn't true, at all. In my opinion, it sounds like a plea for a pity party.

 

yes, and that is why i said that just because you were not "good enough" for the particular person who actively chose to leave you, doesn't mean you will not be good enough or more than good enough for someone else.

 

your pity party remark is as unnecessary as it is off-base.

 

You did too much for him!

 

He never appreciated you as you never gave him cause to, it was all on a plate! Men like bitches (they wont admit it though) the more aloof you are the more they like you!

 

i am beginning to think that there is a lot of truth in this particular comment, Lishy.

 

Don't you think each of us is cosmically and universally "not good enough" by definition of being human?

 

well, that's just taking my comment out into another galaxy, my dear. but yes, i do believe that because we are human, we will never fully be 100 percent good enough for any given person, possibly to the inclusion of our self. however, the idea is not to attain perfection, as it is impossible, but to come as close to it as we can, no?

 

however, earthly perfection, when it comes to love, romance, and relationships, is also relative. so, what may seem and feel perfect for me, could possibly not be any less desirable to you. but we still try and hand out the best that we have to offer to he or she whom we fancy, only to sometimes have them part ways with us.

 

and if we give our best only to have it rejected, what does it say about It, in relationship to whom we offered it?

 

I have also recently come to think that we try to control each other too much. We think we're not good enough because the attempt to control the other person's feelings toward us didn't work.

 

trying to control another person's feelings is not only futile, but it is also not the way love is supposed to manifest itself. love is real and raw, and our attempts to create artificial love will surely end in failure.

 

thus, any person who actively tries to force someone to love them through the many variants of manipulation, is someone who certainly does not deserve even a droplet of love of they whom they are trying to treat as a marionette.

 

so, no, i'm not talking about trying to control anything. on the contrary, i am talking about accepting the core truth, without any chocolate dipping to soften the taste.

 

I'm beginning to think the best we can do is live side by side, and give anything we do give without the expectation of receiving anything in return, but just because we want to give it.

 

yea, that is how love is supposed to be, i think.

 

however, at the end of it all, one can't help but look back at their own actions, now can they?

 

Aw. You know my story better than anyone here, and even I think this is oversimplification.

 

yea, i know what you're saying, kitten. but by the same token, i think you know what i'm saying too.