i wasn't good enough

[KittenMoon]

latefragment, this is a learned process for me. It's now fully incorporated into everything I do. Even when I'm in a rage, I can redirect it to cold purpose. It gets things done.

 

Edit - Flailing around is a waste of personal energy.

 

I just don't agree with your perception that others are "flailing". When I was younger, people called me cold. I had learned to control my emotions to the point people thought I had hardly any. My own mother called me cold. It was all a defense mechanism.

 

Last year a friend said "I don't have as big a heart as you" in reference to something, and I really saw how far I'd come in expressing my emotions. I would never go back- people liked me so much less then- even if I am a crybaby some of the time.

[latefragment]

latefragment, this is a learned process for me. It's now fully incorporated into everything I do. Even when I'm in a rage, I can redirect it to cold purpose. It gets things done.

 

Edit - Flailing around is a waste of personal energy.

 

"learned process" - I think you learned the "hard way." LOL. As have I - it's definitely been the "hard way" for me too. KM I'm glad you see where I am coming from.

 

TBF - I think that your approach could very well be the best way.

 

Now, for both KittenMoon and myself, we are still "getting things done" as you put it. Both KM and I are proceeding, "business as usual" with our "full" lives. Neither of us is wallowing at home not answering the phone, watching TV with ice cream, skipping work and letting laundry and dishes pile up. (not that there's anything wrong with that, really, sometimes you need to let yourself wallow).

 

But, deep down, inside, there is that very sinister feeling that somehow all is not right, and what we long for is gone and may never come back again.

 

Can we still be productive? Hell yes. I'm busy as hell, so is KM. Are we grateful for our blessings? Of course! Are we truly happy? Maybe yes sometimes, maybe no.

 

I don't know how to grapple with this. maybe I am not speaking from a rational point of view in light of my recent bout of sadness.

[Trialbyfire]

I just don't agree with your perception that others are "flailing". When I was younger, people called me cold. I had learned to control my emotions to the point people thought I had hardly any. My own mother called me cold. It was all a defense mechanism.

 

Last year a friend said "I don't have as big a heart as you" in reference to something, and I really saw how far I'd come in expressing my emotions. I would never go back- people liked me so much less then- even if I am a crybaby some of the time.

I do have some very deep softer emotions that I reserve for people who are close to me. It's why I have decade long friendships and get along with my family. In essence, I reserve those emotions for people who return them in full.

[latefragment]

I just don't agree with your perception that others are "flailing". When I was younger, people called me cold.

 

Wow, I was one helluva cold b*tch when I was a teenager through college. Wow. I had some pretty serious emotions but I kept them in check , only let them out when I was in private by myself (that's a whole nother story).

 

I had no feelings. Definitely didn't date any guys, first boyfriend at age 21, that's how cold I was . Did I have mega-crushes on boys in my class? YES. Did I act on them? No, I was cold, shy, kind of a loner.

 

I metamorphosed into the opposite of that - a perhaps oversentimental, mushy-type person. Gregarious, loquacious, cheery, cheerful, talkative, friendly (probably because of my first couple boyfriends, who were loving and mushy too, and because I forced myself to get social in general. and my jobs in media).

 

I like the new me, who has real feelings and is warm.

 

BUT I am beginning to feel, with this horrible loneliness that has hung over my head for a few years now, that perhaps it would be better to return to the old, cold me. That way maybe I would hurt less. I went through many years (until age 21) of not having a boyfriend and it didn't seem to "hurt me" the way it really hurts me now that I don't have someone.

Edited March 19, 2008 by latefragment

[KittenMoon]

I do have some very deep softer emotions that I reserve for people who are close to me. It's why I have decade long friendships and get along with my family. In essence, I reserve those emotions for people who return them in full.

 

I agree with this- I generally have only close, longstanding friendships. But if one of them suddenly stopped caring? Well, that's traumatic. And the closer you are with someone, the harder it is, even in a long run. That's just how it is for some folks.

 

Life goes on, lord does it, but it's very emotional. And no matter what happens, I hope I don't get hardened to it. Not ever.

[KittenMoon]

Wow, I was one helluva cold b*tch when I was a teenager through college. Wow. I had some pretty serious emotions but I kept them in check , only let them out when I was in private by myself (that's a whole nother story).

 

I had no feelings. Definitely didn't date any guys, first boyfriend at age 21, that's how cold I was . Did I have mega-crushes on boys in my class? YES. Did I act on them? No, I was cold, shy, kind of a loner.

 

I metamorphosed into the opposite of that - a perhaps oversentimental, mushy-type person. Gregarious, loquacious, cheery, cheerful, talkative, friendly (probably because of my first couple boyfriends, who were loving and mushy too, and because I forced myself to get social in general. and my jobs in media).

 

I like the new me, who has real feelings and is warm.

 

BUT I am beginning to feel, with this horrible loneliness that has hung over my head for a few years now, that perhaps it would be better to return to the old, cold me. That way maybe I would hurt less. I went through many years (until age 21) of not having a boyfriend and it didn't seem to "hurt me" the way it really hurts me now that I don't have someone.

 

WOW. This is so damn near close to my life its scary. I didn't "open up" for real until college. I had friends, the occasional bf, but very little that felt real and deep. Then college, and it ending, and my now-ex, and life just going on, no matter how I try to spice it up.

 

When things used to be better, well, today is hard to enjoy sometimes. The future, more so, after every day that passes w/o significant improvement, despite everything one does.

[latefragment]

WOW. This is so damn near close to my life its scary. I didn't "open up" for real until college. I had friends, the occasional bf, but very little that felt real and deep. Then college, and it ending, and my now-ex, and life just going on, no matter how I try to spice it up.

 

When things used to be better, well, today is hard to enjoy sometimes. The future, more so, after every day that passes w/o significant improvement, despite everything one does.

 

Wow, yeah, I have been reading your stuff for a while now and I have observed (maybe not with the whole "life story" aspect, but with respect to your feelings about your breakup, and all that post-breakup stuff) that we are kind of similar... in our sadness. But it is scary that we had some similar experiences, huh?

 

I mean, I don't know how I did it, my friend thought I was asexual (and let me assure you, I definitely pined after the boys in my class!). And so shy! And now I'm the opposite... weird... blows my mind sometimes.... And it's ironic, too, don't you think?

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with this- I generally have only close, longstanding friendships. But if one of them suddenly stopped caring? Well, that's traumatic. And the closer you are with someone, the harder it is, even in a long run. That's just how it is for some folks.

 

Life goes on, lord does it, but it's very emotional. And no matter what happens, I hope I don't get hardened to it. Not ever.

People change. Sometimes you have to shed people who negatively impact on your life. I've done it after doing the mental tally of pros and cons. You make your life what you want. It's your choice.

[KittenMoon]

People change. Sometimes you have to shed people who negatively impact on your life. I've done it after doing the mental tally of pros and cons. You make your life what you want. It's your choice.

 

If life were my choice, it wouldn't be like this.

 

That's how I know our personal power only goes so far.

Edited March 19, 2008 by KittenMoon

[Trialbyfire]

If life were my choice, it wouldn't be like this.

KittenMoon, I'm firmly convinced it's your choice.

[latefragment]

KittenMoon, I'm firmly convinced it's your choice.

 

Sometimes there is a great sense of loss of the self when considering, and making the choice. That is how I feel. I would have to grieve for myself all over again. Become someone I'm not. And what for? To be "happy"?

 

By that logic, I might as well quit my job and live on the streets under a bridge - because it doesn't matter, as long as I am happy, and CHOOSE to be happy, right? What's stopping me from that?

[KittenMoon]

KittenMoon, I'm firmly convinced it's your choice.

 

You can be convinced of this until the cows come home, but I know it's not. It's what become based on the mix of my choices, others' choices, the winds of fate, etc etc. It's all a crap shoot, at best.

 

Can I make the choice right now to erase the past two years and have things the way they were? No. Can I choose to do what you say and push it all down, disregard what's occured? Sure, but that makes it not my choice, because that's not me. Can I choose to live day by day and deal with things as they come? Yes, which is what I do.

 

You can't say "Life is what you choose it to be.... EXCEPT others' actions, random events, etc etc." Because those things aren't your choice. And to just push away things you feel? That's not a choice either, if it goes against your personality.

 

Like it's been said, one way of dealing with things doesn't work universally, no matter how much you are convinced it will.

[Trialbyfire]

Sometimes there is a great sense of loss of the self when considering, and making the choice. That is how I feel. I would have to grieve for myself all over again. Become someone I'm not. And what for? To be "happy"?

 

By that logic, I might as well quit my job and live on the streets under a bridge - because it doesn't matter, as long as I am happy, and CHOOSE to be happy, right? What's stopping me from that?

You.

 

Something inside you holds onto something that's not good for you. It's like a sore tooth that you keep running your tongue over. Maybe it's a sense of not deserving the happiness or maybe it's a sense of false security, from your comfort zone of unhappiness, driven by the past or present situation.

[Trialbyfire]

You can be convinced of this until the cows come home, but I know it's not. It's what become based on the mix of my choices, others' choices, the winds of fate, etc etc. It's all a crap shoot, at best.

 

Can I make the choice right now to erase the past two years and have things the way they were? No. Can I choose to do what you say and push it all down, disregard what's occured? Sure, but that makes it not my choice, because that's not me. Can I choose to live day by day and deal with things as they come? Yes, which is what I do.

 

You can't say "Life is what you choose it to be.... EXCEPT others' actions, random events, etc etc." Because those things aren't your choice. And to just push away things you feel? That's not a choice either, if it goes against your personality.

 

Like it's been said, one way of dealing with things doesn't work universally, no matter how much you are convinced it will.

You have to learn to let go of the past. Regrets will kill you.

[latefragment]

You.

 

Something inside you holds onto something that's not good for you. It's like a sore tooth that you keep running your tongue over. Maybe it's a sense of not deserving the happiness or maybe it's a sense of false security, from your comfort zone of unhappiness, driven by the past or present situation.

 

What I'm asking is ... What's stopping me from quitting my job and living under a bridge, as long as I know I can CHOOSE to be happy in that situation? By that logic, we can, and should, be happy in the present situation, no matter how dire.

 

That would seem to run counter to achieving, and trying to further yourself in life, and being ambitious.? I'm confused.

[Trialbyfire]

What I'm asking is ... What's stopping me from quitting my job and living under a bridge, as long as I know I can CHOOSE to be happy in that situation? By that logic, we can, and should, be happy in the present situation, no matter how dire.

 

That would seem to run counter to achieving, and trying to further yourself in life, and being ambitious.? I'm confused.

That's short-term thinking v. long-term thinking. It's also knowing the difference between what's good for you and what's not. Common sense, y'know?

[EllaDerSpin]

You.

 

Something inside you holds onto something that's not good for you. It's like a sore tooth that you keep running your tongue over. Maybe it's a sense of not deserving the happiness or maybe it's a sense of false security, from your comfort zone of unhappiness, driven by the past or present situation.

I would agree with that, but, working out what you are doing and why is difficult without ALOT of introspection and I think meditation. It is very hard if not impossible to see yourself, without another viewpoint.

[KittenMoon]

You have to learn to let go of the past. Regrets will kill you.

 

You can say this, but you're also reiterating that YOUR method of doing this is the only right way. It's not. There are many different ways people can choose to deal with their lives, not just pushing it down, cutting things off, etc etc.

 

And who said I have regrets? I don't regret for a minute how I've acted.

[Trialbyfire]

I would agree with that, but, working out what you are doing and why is difficult without ALOT of introspection and I think meditation. It is very hard if not impossible to see yourself, without another viewpoint.

This is where you get input from your familial or social network. If it's limited or non-existent, you can seek help from a professional.

 

There's also other ways. For example, if there's someone you respect and admire, you can take them apart. What is it that makes them who they are? How am I different? Even better, see if you can't somehow create a mentor/mentee relationship. Perhaps they can help guide you by providing input of how they perceive you.

[Trialbyfire]

You can say this, but you're also reiterating that YOUR method of doing this is the only right way. It's not. There are many different ways people can choose to deal with their lives, not just pushing it down, cutting things off, etc etc.

 

And who said I have regrets? I don't regret for a minute how I've acted.

KittenMoon, your way has now costed you two years of cycling. Is this accurate?

 

I don't particularly care if you take my way or not. But...it must be self-evident that your way...does not...work.

[KittenMoon]

KittenMoon, your way has now costed you two years of cycling. Is this accurate?

 

I don't particularly care if you take my way or not. But...it must be self-evident that your way...does not...work.

 

In the past two years, I've been in pain, yes. But I've also done things I've refused to do in the past, like therapy and medications. And lived my life entirely self-sufficient. And begun writing classes, joined a group, made a ton of new friends, and worked with them to start a new local writiers group, and we're in the process of publishing a book. I've even submitted my own writing. I've traveled and gotten much closer to the people around me. And throughout, I've tried to be interested in the new men I've met.

 

I'v tried confronting, dealing with, and YOUR method of pushing it down.

 

Guess what? Your method hasnt done a damn thing either.

 

So yea, I've been cycling. But I've also been living my life everyday, and doing what I want, for myself.

 

So you can keep thinking you've got THE answer. But you don't. You have A answer, that certainly does not work for everyone.

[EllaDerSpin]

This is where you get input from your familial or social network. If it's limited or non-existent, you can seek help from a professional.

 

There's also other ways. For example, if there's someone you respect and admire, you can take them apart. What is it that makes them who they are? How am I different? Even better, see if you can't somehow create a mentor/mentee relationship. Perhaps they can help guide you by providing input of how they perceive you.

Those are ways that I haven't tried...

I have to say though that in the past people pointed things out to me, that when I was operating from my narrowed perspective I could not see. The very tricks that caused me to hold on to things, would be activated by the suggestion that I could change.

I did alot of self study and meditation which allowed me to see my whole self and now I have more success with removing mind obstacles and limitation.

I don't see what is wrong with emotions...

[Trialbyfire]

In the past two years, I've been in pain, yes. But I've also done things I've refused to do in the past, like therapy and medications. And lived my life entirely self-sufficient. And begun writing classes, joined a group, made a ton of new friends, and worked with them to start a new local writiers group, and we're in the process of publishing a book. I've even submitted my own writing. I've traveled and gotten much closer to the people around me. And throughout, I've tried to be interested in the new men I've met.

 

I'v tried confronting, dealing with, and YOUR method of pushing it down.

 

Guess what? Your method hasnt done a damn thing either.

 

So yea, I've been cycling. But I've also been living my life everyday, and doing what I want, for myself.

 

So you can keep thinking you've got THE answer. But you don't. You have A answer, that certainly does not work for everyone.

The key part of what you haven't done, is to let him go.

[KittenMoon]

The key part of what you haven't done, is to let him go.

 

Again, you just state what everyone knows is the eventual goal. Pointing out whether or not someone has done it doesn't help at all, nor is it any great leap of knowledge or understanding.

[Trialbyfire]

Those are ways that I haven't tried...

I have to say though that in the past people pointed things out to me, that when I was operating from my narrowed perspective I could not see. The very tricks that caused me to hold on to things, would be activated by the suggestion that I could change.

I did alot of self study and meditation which allowed me to see my whole self and now I have more success with removing mind obstacles and limitation.

I don't see what is wrong with emotions...

I guess it depends on how honest, you're willing to be about yourself and to yourself. If I'm not honest with myself, trust me, the people in my life are more than happy to tell me so.

 

Emotions are fine, if you've got a handle on them. If you allow negative emotion to swamp you, you debilitate yourself, especially when they've been present for an extended period of time. Why not funnel negative emotional energy into doing something productive or simply release it?