sumdude Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) Don't you want that chemistry-high again, where your mind, heart and body are going crazy? Then, after the infatuation stage and things start to settle down, that warm, intense love and focus, that two people share, who are fueling a positive relationship. My perception and reality: I know I do but I'll be damned if I'm going to fuel a one-way relationship. Screw that noise. It ain't romantic to me. It's a complete waste of personal energy. This is why I strongly encourage people to move on. You're only hurting yourselves. In some ways, if it lasts a long time, it's similar to a form of self-mutilation. You're emotionally mutilating yourself so you might never have a healthy relationship again, whether you have relationships or not. Never let someone beat you down in life, to the point where you're stewing and wallowing in negative emotion. Sure, there's a recovery period. That's to be expected. But do try, for your own sanity, if nothing else. So true.. When a long intense relationship ends suddenly the grief can be so strong and last a while. But at some point you might get too used to it and maybe it becomes a habit. That's when the real internal struggle begins.. Just last night she crept into my mind... and I though "I did the best I could do." Then the neg thought "So was my best not good enough?" at some point I had to tell myself to shut up and eff that.... because there's no answer.. ever. Edited March 20, 2008 by sumdude Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 So true.. When a long intense relationship ends suddenly the grief can be so strong and last a while. But at some point you might get too used to it and maybe it becomes a habit. That's when the real internal struggle begins.. Just last night she crept into my mind... and I though "I did the best I could do." Then the neg thought "So was my best not good enough?" at some point I had to tell myself to shut up and eff that.... because there's no answer.. ever. Yes, when it becomes a habitual security blanket, a self-punishing act, it does no one any good at all. I wasn't good enough, is so darn subjective. For me, it's more, "We weren't compatible, for reasons of A - Z". Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Love came and went for me, and life goes on. That's all there is to it. Ariadne, you're right. Life does go on, but how it goes on is a whole other conversation. I don't know quite how to tell this story to get the meaning across but I'll try. That kind of love came and went for me too..in the early 80s. Then it stopped. Life went on for over 20 years. I went through a long period of grief, a mindless hookup phase, a normal dating phase, eventually got married and had a child, had a great job, good friends. I lived, loved, gave all of that my focus, did what seemed right and expected, and much of it was good...there were happy times. Yet somehow it always felt like something was wrong or lacking, just out of kilter, just beneath the surface. It was almost as if I was viewing my own life from the outside in. And I didn't know why. Looking back, and because of a few things that happened in the interim that are too much to get into here, I finally realized what it was. Once you feel that kind of connection, that kind of soul love, once you've experienced and felt it, you simply can't ever forget it. Everything else falls short. In your soul. I get sad sometimes because I wasn't prepared for how profoundly it could and would influence my entire life from that point forward. I just didn't know. I didn't have the wisdom or the tools to process the lesson. Could I have learned it sooner? Would that have helped? I don't know. Maybe if someone who had been through it could have sat me down and at least told me their story, it might have helped. Maybe if there was a place like this then for this kind of sharing, it might have helped. Going through it and finally understanding, helps now though...now that I've finally run into love for the second time and it appears like it might not be the right time for him. That scared me for a minute. I remember saying to myself, in those first few days of tears, that I guess I'd just live through another 20 years the way I lived the past 20. Then I realized that I wouldn't, that all of this is really beyond my control. All I can do is carry on with my plans, my life, and accept that sometimes things just don't work out. That wound up sounding...well odd. But maybe it'll help someone. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 You know, with him it never felt like infatuation, butterflies, none of that. It felt peaceful. It felt as if I was floating in sea of heaven. It was not exciting, it was just deep. Deep is the word I'd use to describe it. And you are right about not having a relationship again. But I think if I get old I'll just settle for companionship. I can do that. Thanks so much guys! I'm off to work now. uhuh@the peaceful thing. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 So true.. When a long intense relationship ends suddenly the grief can be so strong and last a while. But at some point you might get too used to it and maybe it becomes a habit. That's when the real internal struggle begins.. Just last night she crept into my mind... and I though "I did the best I could do." Then the neg thought "So was my best not good enough?" at some point I had to tell myself to shut up and eff that.... because there's no answer.. ever. Yes, when it becomes a habitual security blanket, a self-punishing act, it does no one any good at all. I wasn't good enough, is so darn subjective. For me, it's more, "We weren't compatible, for reasons of A - Z". In my current journey, I see myself walking a path between these two statements (Instead of lions, tigers & bears - I am running into a lot of anger, loneliness & doubt, but back to my post)... Sumdude's question still run's through my head a few times a day and I just get to the point where there is no answer. How will I ever be able to judge whether or not I was good enough for her when I too knew that the relationship had to end? I see myself arriving at the point where there certainly are answers - I just didn't want to tell them to myself while I was grieving the loss of companionship (insert reasons A - Z here). So, I will never really get down to who wasn't good enough for who and will just have to settle for knowing that the relationship wasn't good enough for either of us Link to post Share on other sites
eagle5 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 In my current journey, I see myself walking a path between these two statements (Instead of lions, tigers & bears - I am running into a lot of anger, loneliness & doubt, but back to my post)... Sumdude's question still run's through my head a few times a day and I just get to the point where there is no answer. How will I ever be able to judge whether or not I was good enough for her when I too knew that the relationship had to end? I see myself arriving at the point where there certainly are answers - I just didn't want to tell them to myself while I was grieving the loss of companionship (insert reasons A - Z here). So, I will never really get down to who wasn't good enough for who and will just have to settle for knowing that the relationship wasn't good enough for either of us I'm with you dfree, my thoughts go between the two statements too. It's easy to blame ourselves while being angry at them, so is it us? is it them? maybe it's both of us, I'm learning that now, though I'll probably never get an answer from her, so no closure. Hopefully down the line I'll not need it! Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I got more answers and closure from her than I ever could have wanted (and believe me, those words hurt), but some - if not most of it, was said in anger so I still don't feel I will ever get the answers I want. Closure in my case made things harder for the first couple of days, but much easier as I started to move on. Sometimes it is not just the answers the person gives you, but how they speak to you during that very tough time that gives you all the information you need to go forward. As each day goes by, I spend one more day on LS, one more day at the gym, one more night playing pool and meeting new people, one more night casually dating, one more night hanging with good friends, or just one more day working hard on my work project ... All the while getting one more day closer to not needing any answers from or about her! I hope that is where you are going eagle (and very hopefully Ariadne too), because I see some pretty good times coming my way when this beeyotch of a storm passes! Link to post Share on other sites
sweaterlove Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 pink ribbon is right. There is no real way to know if you're perfect at all since everyone has a different idea of what perfect is. There is no way to fit them all. Link to post Share on other sites
EllaDerSpin Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 so right on I cant work out if you are mocking me or not, but *shrug Link to post Share on other sites
EllaDerSpin Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I got more answers and closure from her than I ever could have wanted (and believe me, those words hurt), but some - if not most of it, was said in anger so I still don't feel I will ever get the answers I want. Closure in my case made things harder for the first couple of days, but much easier as I started to move on. Sometimes it is not just the answers the person gives you, but how they speak to you during that very tough time that gives you all the information you need to go forward. Even if you get answers you want, you will still come back to "I'm not good enough", because the action is, that you were rejected. Unless you make a good effort to be more realistic that is. Link to post Share on other sites
EllaDerSpin Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 pink ribbon is right. There is no real way to know if you're perfect at all since everyone has a different idea of what perfect is. There is no way to fit them all. Nobody is perfect and everyone is perfect.. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I cant work out if you are mocking me or not, but *shrug I think LuCidity made the common error of mistaken that LMAO smiley for a crying smiley, so I don't think she is mocking you. Link to post Share on other sites
EllaDerSpin Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I'm with you dfree, my thoughts go between the two statements too. It's easy to blame ourselves while being angry at them, so is it us? is it them? maybe it's both of us, I'm learning that now, though I'll probably never get an answer from her, so no closure. Hopefully down the line I'll not need it! I don't know about blame, but chances are that you were not the best partner you could be, and nor was she. It isn't anything to kick yourself over, but, it can be a good opportunity to learn about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
EllaDerSpin Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I think LuCidity made the common error of mistaken that LMAO smiley for a crying smiley, so I don't think she is mocking you. Ohh ok LOL or rather Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I cant work out if you are mocking me or not, but *shrug i wasn't mocking you. i would never... Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Ohh ok LOL or rather hahaha...sorry about that! Link to post Share on other sites
EllaDerSpin Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 hahaha...sorry about that! hee.. it's okay Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) Yet somehow it always felt like something was wrong or lacking... Once you feel that kind of connection, that kind of soul love, once you've experienced and felt it, you simply can't ever forget it. Everything else falls short. In your soul. Exactly. With him everything fit. We also had the same attitudes towards life, the same reactions. Essentially we were the same. Even our pasts were the same. Now I'm doomed. Thanks for sharing your story. Edited March 22, 2008 by Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Even if you get answers you want, you will still come back to "I'm not good enough", because the action is, that you were rejected. Unless you make a good effort to be more realistic that is. I think if I were to be perfectly honest, I would say that I come back to "I'm not good enough for her" sometimes, but our breakup was so mutual at the onset, that I am kinda settling on "neither of us was a good enough fit for the other". Even though I initiated the breakup and it was mutual, I feel that I started my sabotaging behavior because she was rejecting me on a few important levels. You don't have to dig very far into your psyche to see how much that F'n hurts! Like I said earlier though, it doesn't matter what answers she gave me because I think that I gained more closure by interpreting her angry delivery. Her attitude about certain things during our post-breakup talks led me to believe that our differences are so vast and reconciliation was so far from possible. I left the house after the second of the two thinking that I never wanted to be in a relationship with her again. I have weakened due to loneliness and grief a couple times since, but I still think I have the closure I need from this? Link to post Share on other sites
EllaDerSpin Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I have weakened due to loneliness and grief a couple times since, but I still think I have the closure I need from this? You're lucky I'm not a psychologist, or I might have picked up on the fact that your last statement ended in a question mark. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 If you were a psychologist, you'd notice that my last 10 weeks have been adorned with a big question mark! Link to post Share on other sites
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