i wasn't good enough

[Green]

Life is a game you play in your mind. As a man I some times get to experience more rejection in one night then most women will know in a life time. Getting rejected by another person never means I wasn't good enough, it just means something went wrong that was either in my control or not. People are seperated by an absolute terror field which gives rise to individuality, but with this seperation people are forced to recreate you fore themselves. What I'm trying to say is... while a person in the China might look at you as a superstar, you may go to another country like the USA and people who didn't know about you would be anoyed and disgusted by the same things that made you a king to other people...

[Trialbyfire]

yes, and that is why i said that just because you were not "good enough" for the particular person who actively chose to leave you, doesn't mean you will not be good enough or more than good enough for someone else.

 

your pity party remark is as unnecessary as it is off-base.

 

Strong words for someone who lets life's minor pitfalls, take them by their proverbial balls and squeeze until it makes them scream.

 

You can run around believing that you don't meet someone else's expectations/standards and hammer yourself into the ground...or...you can squeeze back and make life do what you want. Your choice because lady, you've got all the talents in the world to make it happen. It floors me when someone has it all but chooses instead, to do nothing with it.

[KittenMoon]

Strong words for someone who lets life's minor pitfalls, take them by their proverbial balls and squeeze until it makes them scream.

 

You can run around believing that you don't meet someone else's expectations/standards and hammer yourself into the ground...or...you can squeeze back and make life do what you want. Your choice because lady, you've got all the talents in the world to make it happen. It floors me when someone has it all but chooses instead, to do nothing with it.

 

Life is as much luck as choice- someone can have all the ability and opportunity in the world AND use it, but that doesn't mean it will make them happy. We're at the mercy of providence, not to mention other people and their choices. And as much as we can try not to be, we ARE influenced by what happens to us AND what people think about us. So no one should be scolded for being more or less effected by this. Sometimes optimism and hard work just doesn't work.

[Trialbyfire]

Life is as much luck as choice- someone can have all the ability and opportunity in the world AND use it, but that doesn't mean it will make them happy. We're at the mercy of providence, not to mention other people and their choices. And as much as we can try not to be, we ARE influenced by what happens to us AND what people think about us. So no one should be scolded for being more or less effected by this. Sometimes optimism and hard work just doesn't work.

I fully disagree. Put enough time and effort into anything and you'll succeed. It's return on investment and long-term v. short-term thinking. Also ensure you factor in big picture thinking.

 

For example, start looking at your life in it's entirety. Now to death. Before death, I want to be "here". How do I do that? This is when you chop up your life into decades or less, reliant on how much you can stomach. Set your goals and make or exceed each goal by planning, not just reacting. Putting out little fires here and there, ain't gonna' get you to where you want to go.

[KittenMoon]

I fully disagree. Put enough time and effort into anything and you'll succeed. It's return on investment and long-term v. short-term thinking. Also ensure you factor in big picture thinking.

 

For example, start looking at your life in it's entirety. Now to death. Before death, I want to be "here". How do I do that? This is when you chop up your life into decades or less, reliant on how much you can stomach. Set your goals and make or exceed each goal by planning, not just reacting. Putting out little fires here and there, ain't gonna' get you to where you want to go.

 

Ok, I want a true, loyal lover who will be with me until death. Who loves me and whom I love in return. That is where I want to be in life.

 

How is this something I can work hard at and find? Sure, I could play the numbers dating game, but then it's just akin to playing the lotto and hoping your numbers come up. It's just LUCK.

 

I can see how your point can apply to a lot of things- career, money, life experience- but it doesn't apply to everything. Some stuff is out of our hands, and unfortunately sometimes its the things we want most.

[Trialbyfire]

Ok, I want a true, loyal lover who will be with me until death. Who loves me and whom I love in return. That is where I want to be in life.

 

How is this something I can work hard at and find? Sure, I could play the numbers dating game, but then it's just akin to playing the lotto and hoping your numbers come up. It's just LUCK.

Nope, not luck. You can play the numbers game and sooner or later you'll find someone like this, especially if you make it your full-time job. Something tells me it's not as important to you, as you imply, since I highly doubt you're willing to do this. Btw, I crap on the concept of soul-mates. More romantic drivel. It's about compatibility and chemistry.

 

The more requirements you have, the less likely you'll find someone who matches the exact formula you feel you need. It's a form of subconscious self-sabotage.

 

I can see how your point can apply to a lot of things- career, money, life experience- but it doesn't apply to everything. Some stuff is out of our hands, and unfortunately sometimes its the things we want most.

Being in control of your life doesn't mean you stand rigid. You can bend and flex and still not break. Also, attaining your goals isn't necessarily about attaining The Golden Fleece. It's about attaining A Golden Fleece.

 

Overall, you can make your life as happy as you want or wallow in pathos and victimhood (generic you). It's everyone's choice.

[KittenMoon]

Nope, not luck. You can play the numbers game and sooner or later you'll find someone like this, especially if you make it your full-time job. Something tells me it's not as important to you, as you imply, since I highly doubt you're willing to do this. Btw, I crap on the concept of soul-mates. More romantic drivel. It's about compatibility and chemistry.

 

The more requirements you have, the less likely you'll find someone who matches the exact formula you feel you need. It's a form of subconscious self-sabotage.

 

Being in control of your life doesn't mean you stand rigid. You can bend and flex and still not break. Also, attaining your goals isn't necessarily about attaining The Golden Fleece. It's about attaining A Golden Fleece.

 

Overall, you can make your life as happy as you want or wallow in pathos and victimhood (generic you). It's everyone's choice.

 

 

Well, if you play the lotto long enough, with enough frequency, you'll win too. In the end, its luck that determines when.

 

I'll openly admit I won't play the dating game. Because its not something I enjoy, and I feel it would actually be a hinderance to my interactions with people. That doesn't make finding someone not important to me personally- its pretty narrow to think that something isn't important to someone because they won't follow a certain specific path to something, just because it would work. I mean, you could take a sip from a hundred spoiled containers of milk in order to find the one good one, and yeah, that would certainly work, but it's not something that will suit everyone.

 

Go ahead and crap on the idea of soul mates. I think believing in soul mates is a good thing- IMO its better to go into love believing it could be true, than to just decide "it works" but could just be eventually replaced, if it didn't.

 

I'm really tired of this idea of calling people "victims". We all feel like the world is sh*tting on us from time to time- that doesn't make someone a poor, pathetic, weak, victimized person. Someone can be successful, accomplished, talented, personable, etc etc etc and STILL feel empty, or depressed, or lonely. And yeah, they can still wallow. It happens, it's human.

 

Ta heck with anyone who disparages anyone else for feeling a way they feel. No one is under any obligation to live up to anyone elses expectations of how to feel.

[Trialbyfire]

All I'm going to say is that there are similarities between yourself and e.clipse. Both are attractive, smart and potentially accomplished individuals. You have your health and all your limbs. The only thing that's stopping you from being happy, is yourself.

[KittenMoon]

All I'm going to say is that there are similarities between yourself and e.clipse. Both are attractive, smart and potentially accomplished individuals. You have your health and all your limbs. The only thing that's stopping you from being happy, is yourself.

 

See, I don't buy this. Telling people that the only reason they're not happy is because of themselves? I don't know where this idea originated, but it just doesn't work. Sometimes being unhappy is no more than being unhappy. Calling it the fault of the person? Well, THAT'S not going to make someone feel better, anymore than it's actually true.

 

I love myself. Other people love me. I AM attractive, smart, and accomplished. Confidence, I'm not lacking, nor personality, talent, or ability. But for all these things, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy when I'm not, nor would I ever advise someone to do so. We need to be honest with ourselves, and feel what we feel, and not feel like something is off because of that.

[Trialbyfire]

See, I don't buy this. Telling people that the only reason they're not happy is because of themselves? I don't know where this idea originated, but it just doesn't work. Sometimes being unhappy is no more than being unhappy. Calling it the fault of the person? Well, THAT'S not going to make someone feel better, anymore than it's actually true.

 

I love myself. Other people love me. I AM attractive, smart, and accomplished. Confidence, I'm not lacking, nor personality, talent, or ability. But for all these things, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy when I'm not, nor would I ever advise someone to do so. We need to be honest with ourselves, and feel what we feel, and not feel like something is off because of that.

So what's making you unhappy? If you can peg down that unhappiness, DO something about it. Sitting and doing nothing, is a personal choice.

[KittenMoon]

So what's making you unhappy? If you can peg down that unhappiness, DO something about it. Sitting and doing nothing, is a personal choice.

 

You also can't assume a person is doing nothing. Or that a person can even peg down the particular thing that makes them not happy.

 

That's why I say providence and luck have a hand in things, that sometimes, you simply CAN'T work hard to get what you want.

[Trialbyfire]

You also can't assume a person is doing nothing. Or that a person can even peg down the particular thing that makes them not happy.

 

That's why I say providence and luck have a hand in things, that sometimes, you simply CAN'T work hard to get what you want.

KittenMoon, you're determined to remain stuck in the moment. Own it or move on.

[KittenMoon]

KittenMoon, you're determined to remain stuck in the moment. Own it or move on.

 

How do you know this? Hell, I was asking these same questions years before I ever met my ex, broke-up, etc.

 

You're determined to center everything on a person. But sometimes we don't have full control, we can't make the changes we need, sometimes, it's just NOT about us. We do our best, we feel what we feel, and no amount of "I can do anything" optimism changes that.

[Trialbyfire]

How do you know this? Hell, I was asking these same questions years before I ever met my ex, broke-up, etc.

 

You're determined to center everything on a person. But sometimes we don't have full control, we can't make the changes we need, sometimes, it's just NOT about us. We do our best, we feel what we feel, and no amount of "I can do anything" optimism changes that.

If you can't do it on your own, why not get professional help? On the otherhand, therapy only works for people who want to get better because they'll apply the tools that are learned, through therapy.

 

If you really, really want to make a change, you can. It's like a previous example I gave you, in another thread. If you're angry at work, it's possible to suck it up and let it go. You agreed that this is something you do all the time. What you have, is an emotion that you've let go.

 

Have there ever been other situations, where you've experienced anger, that you've let go?

 

Anger can easily be, a stronger emotion than love.

[KittenMoon]

If you can't do it on your own, why not get professional help? On the otherhand, therapy only works for people who want to get better because they'll apply the tools that are learned, through therapy.

 

Been there, done that. Loved my therapist, but never really got any "tools", never really understood what that was about. Frankly, I felt like i intrigued her, and it made me uncomfortable. Therapy might work for some people, I never felt like it showed me much about myself i didnt already know.

 

 

If you really, really want to make a change, you can. It's like a previous example I gave you, in another thread. If you're angry at work, it's possible to suck it up and let it go. You agreed that this is something you do all the time. What you have, is an emotion that you've let go.

 

There is a difference between changing an emotion when it comes to something that's overall unimportant to you, and one that is.

 

Being happy, "letting go", whatever, is not as easy as flipping a switch. It's simply not, or people wouldn't have all the issues with their emotions that they do.

 

Some people can affect their emotions this much, others can't. But the 50-cent therapy mantra that says you can change anything you want to is basically BS to me, just like soul mates are to you, TBF. But at the same time, neither of us can actually say which is real and which isn't, or, at least, prove it.

 

We work with what we've got. For some folks it brings happiness, others, not so much.

[Trialbyfire]

There is a difference between changing an emotion when it comes to something that's overall unimportant to you, and one that is.

Ba da bing KittenMoon. Read your own words and apply it accordingly.

[KittenMoon]

Ba da bing KittenMoon. Read your own words and apply it accordingly.

 

And that means, what exactly?

[Trialbyfire]

And that means, what exactly?

You've created a monster that consumes you. Time to peel it back to the manageable, unimportant little bump that it really is. No one feeds and nurtures the monster, except you. You have no one else in this relationship, but you.

[KittenMoon]

You've created a monster that consumes you. Time to peel it back to the manageable, unimportant little bump that it really is. No one feeds and nurtures the monster, except you. You have no one else in this relationship, but you.

 

See? This is where logic fails. You can tell someone how to feel, what they are doing wrong, but when it comes to actually DOING something? Nada. No definition, just vagueness. No tangible steps.

 

You're giving a destination without any directions.

 

That's why I don't buy into this stuff. Right now is what counts, what one does, how one feels, or doesn't feel, right now.

 

We're not stupid people- we know where we want to be. Reiterating the final product and repeated reminders of "you're doing it wrong" means nothing.

[LuCidiTy]

what's luck? timing? circumstances? everything being easy?

 

i don't think you can just call it luck...not past the initial connection at least. it takes effort and hard work to make it happen and make it last.

[Trialbyfire]

See? This is where logic fails. You can tell someone how to feel, what they are doing wrong, but when it comes to actually DOING something? Nada. No definition, just vagueness. No tangible steps.

 

You're giving a destination without any directions.

 

That's why I don't buy into this stuff. Right now is what counts, what one does, how one feels, or doesn't feel, right now.

 

We're not stupid people- we know where we want to be. Reiterating the final product and repeated reminders of "you're doing it wrong" means nothing.

Stop feeding it. Shove your emotions six feet under, whenever they surface. See it for what it really is. A fantasy relationship that you've personally kept alive and thriving.

[KittenMoon]

Stop feeding it. Shove your emotions six feet under, whenever they surface. See it for what it really is. A fantasy relationship that you've personally kept alive and thriving.

 

Y'know what? Tried that too. I have no fantasy about my relationship. It was good, then it was bad. I know sometimes I'm happier without, and sometimes I'm not. I've dealt with it by walking away, or taking it head on None of that knowledge or action has made me any happier in the long run.

 

The only thing I do know is you can't simply a complex web of emotions into a single issue, or solve it like it's one. And that luck has as much a hand in life as hard work.

[latefragment]

TBF and KittenMoon ... You two have very different personalities. TBF I recall you saying that you only cried *once* during your whole divorce ordeal. You were able to keep your emotions in check until you thought it might be possibly safe to let it go. You keep your emotions in check at all *critical* junctures so that you make rational, deliberate decisions.

 

KM has been crying for *ever*. I myself am a big crier. I cry VERY VERY easily at the littlest stuff. Recently I have been practicing "thought stopping", "thought avoidance" and "emotions-shoving". Whenever I feel powerful, strong, destructive emotions coming on, I actively say, "don't feel this emotion, don't feel this emotion, STOP IT." It doesn't eliminate the source of the feelings but at least I don't start bawling on the spot.

 

But deep down, it's not the "real me." I am simply "forcing" myself into the typecast of a person who is "less emotional than the real me."

 

So, I think you both have a point. To be honest I am leaning towards agreeing more with KM, but I see your point of view. But not all of us are as "good at" or "disciplined about" - I am struggling to find the right words for this - keeping our emtions in check.

 

On some level, I feel that my emotions are my emotions, I can't control them and why would I want to? That would seem to be denying a part of my personality. I mean, TBF what you are talknig about is personally transforming yourself into a different more emotionless (not to say that you don't have emotions, you do. of course) person... the question is... do we want to go through this transformation?

 

Should we want to?

[Trialbyfire]

You keep your emotions in check at all *critical* junctures so that you make rational, deliberate decisions.

 

latefragment, this is a learned process for me. It's now fully incorporated into everything I do. Even when I'm in a rage, I can redirect it to cold purpose. It gets things done.

 

Edit - Flailing around is a waste of personal energy.

[KittenMoon]

TBF and KittenMoon ... You two have very different personalities. TBF I recall you saying that you only cried *once* during your whole divorce ordeal. You were able to keep your emotions in check until you thought it might be possibly safe to let it go. You keep your emotions in check at all *critical* junctures so that you make rational, deliberate decisions.

 

KM has been crying for *ever*. I myself am a big crier. I cry VERY VERY easily at the littlest stuff. Recently I have been practicing "thought stopping", "thought avoidance" and "emotions-shoving". Whenever I feel powerful, strong, destructive emotions coming on, I actively say, "don't feel this emotion, don't feel this emotion, STOP IT." It doesn't eliminate the source of the feelings but at least I don't start bawling on the spot.

 

But deep down, it's not the "real me." I am simply "forcing" myself into the typecast of a person who is "less emotional than the real me."

 

So, I think you both have a point. To be honest I am leaning towards agreeing more with KM, but I see your point of view. But not all of us are as "good at" or "disciplined about" - I am struggling to find the right words for this - keeping our emtions in check.

 

On some level, I feel that my emotions are my emotions, I can't control them and why would I want to? That would seem to be denying a part of my personality. I mean, TBF what you are talknig about is personally transforming yourself into a different more emotionless (not to say that you don't have emotions, you do. of course) person... the question is... do we want to go through this transformation?

 

Should we want to?

 

 

Very true, which is why I suppose I jumped in to defend e. at all. I know she's like me, emotionally.

 

I don't think one end of the spectrum can really do much for the other end. I mean, KNOWING something is one thing, FEELING it is another. And it hurts a "feeler" a lot to be told that they are basically their only obstruction- that's just not true. It's part of the true, but only part.