He lied to me

[Shocked]

I just found out that this guy I;ve liked for a long time lied to me. We both applied for the same job but he got it. At first I was a bit bitter about it--I was happy for him but a little pissed off cuz I know he lied on his resume about his experience while I told the truth and didn't get the job. Regardless, the job was supposed to start this week and it was supposed to be an out of town 4 day thing. However, today I accidentaly found out that the job got cancelled and he was told well in advance. When I talked to him yesterday he acted like he was getting ready to leave on his way and said he would talk to me when he got back this weekend. So far he hasn't contacted me to tell me he is still in town. I'm quite upset and hurt. I can't deal with his lies as there is no point to lie about such stupidity. He probably thought I would never find out the job got cancelled. It looks as if he is going to carry out this charade for the rest of the week and pretend like he is somewhere he isn't.

 

Anyways, right now I have a couple different options.

 

1) I could "save him" from making an ass out of himself and call him and let him know I know his job got cancelled. This way, I don't even give him the opportunity to lie to me about it. (I hesistate on this approach because I feel like I would be manipulating the situation in order to avoid a possible confrontation with him and his compulsive lying).

 

2) Let him hang himself or at least see if he will take it to that extreme. Wait and see if and when he does call or message me, if he will lie and say he was away on this job. This will definately put me in a bad spot as I will have no other choice but to tell him I've known all week and that I think he is a loser for lying. The friendship/relationship will end because I will never be able to trust him and he will feel like an idiot for getting caught.

 

It bugs me so much to have to deal with a person like this. I didn't want to see our friendship end but I know that if I talk to him this weekend and he pretends like he was out of town all week, I will snap. I really liked this guy and I was so looking forward to getting to know him better. But the fact that he lied to me says he obviously doesn't want to talk to me if he lies about being away all week.

 

Can anyone give me some advice. Truth be told, I've caught him in a few lies before but none of this magnitude. Can anybody suggest a logical, reasonable way I can deal with this individual and maybe even possibly comment on whether or not he should remain in my life? And if anybody has any idea as to why he would lie in the first place?

[Tony T]

1. "Can anybody suggest a logical, reasonable way I can deal with this individual and maybe even possibly comment on whether or not he should remain in my life?"

 

The man has very low self esteem and therefore must make a show for you to make himself look better. Have mercy on him, don't even comment on his charade, just get out of his life.

 

No matter what you say to him, you won't change him. That will come in the future as he matures. There are a lot of people like him who lie about their education, their experiences, etc. They simply have to fabricate things about their lives because they don't feel adequate the way they really are.

 

Be thankful you know he is untruthful, feel sorry for him that he has to do this, and rejoice that you have found out about the character flaw in sufficient time to avoid heartbreak later.

 

In the future, it is much better that you don't confront people who lie in this particular way. It tears them down even further. Life will catch up with him on his own and he will pay the consequences. When people like him start believing their own BS, they're really in trouble. It sounds like he's arrived at that stage.

 

2. "And if anybody has any idea as to why he would lie in the first place?"

 

The answer to number one contains this information.

[Shocked]

Hey...I posted a problem of mine about a week ago. It was regarding a guy that I've been friends with (which I concidentally like as more) that lied to me about going away for work for a few days. For those that read it, it was a job we had both applied to.

 

Well...my guy friend continued with his charade for an entire week. I had received very good advice to NOT confront him about his big lie and to just head on out of his life. I was fully prepared to implement this advice also. Friends told me he doesn't really owe me anything, etc. However, things didn't work out as such. He and I spoke yesterday for the first time (after an entire week). He didn't call me but signed on to MSN while I was on. He messaged me and started telling me how his week away went. Knowing that he didn't go I tried to just play dumb. Unfortunately, I've never been really good at doing that and I started to feel like he was majorly insulting me by telling me his lies. So--I ended up going against my initial plan and telling him I already knew he didn't go and that there was no reason to lie to me. I wanted so bad to play it cool but in the end I just couldn't--I felt like he was disrespecting me and I was just accepting it. Anyhow, once confronted he kept on lying. He attempted to cover his tracks by saying more stuff I knew wasn't true but I wasn't buying it. Finally, at the end he said he lied cuz it was easier than explaining things had been postponed. He did not once apologize to me for what he did. He even told me he didn't understand why I was offended and asked if I was mad at the fact that he didn't call me!!! It's like he didn't believe I could be mad at the fact that he lied.

 

Ok...I'm not perfect...I screwed up. But I admit it. Plus I should have waited until he called me instead of going into it on a computer. I'm typing out this post cuz this whole ordeal is something that I wish never happened right from the get go. I was so looking forward to becoming better friends with him NOT cutting him off! But he is such a liar. I'm hurt at the fact that he just kept lying and never apologized for his actions. He hasn't tried to call me to explain himself nor has he e-mailed. In fact, he hasn't been on MSN either. Don't get me wrong, I know he is no good for me. But I would have liked to think that our friendship meant more to him than to just brush it off an not try to clear the air. He always said he didn't let things bother him...I guess this is just another example.

 

Truth be told, I will miss this guys friendship...we did talk often. How can I try to forget about this friendship that's come to an abrupt end? Does anyone have any tips...it's not everyday that I cut my friends off. Do I just block him on the computer? Do I even have the right to be mad at this guy? If the guy was truly sorry how should have he reacted to this confrontation? These are all questions running through my mind.

 

(If you gave me advice before and I didn't follow it please don't hesistate to respond...I value everyone's opinions) :-)

[Tony T]

I can understand your eagerness to confront him. I can also understand his trying very hard to lie his way out of a hot corner. In the end, he was embarassed and you got your truth. So are you a better person for doing that?...NO. However, now you know this guy has not grown up yet. Young children confabulate for various reasons...some to get love and attention....some to feel important....whatever. This guy's lie was not really damaging but it was an untruth. My guess is he suffers from arrested development...a fixation at an earlier stage of development. He has clearly not grown up. Grown ups don't lie about such stupid things.

 

So he may have an adult's body but he has the psyche of a child. Treat him as such, forgive him, send him lollypops, and go find a man who has matured, who can tell the truth, and with whom you have more in common.

 

That you were attracted to this guy in the first place says some things about you as well that you may need to explore. Look into yourself and try to discover why you would be brought into the path of an adult child...well, maybe it was to help him grow up a little. Good work!!!

[evelynlj]

I feel for you. I have a friend who I care deeply for, who is always disappointing me. He is very charming and has managed to weasel his way out of the doghouse every time. Here it is three years later and I am just now trying to cut him out of my life. It is has been very difficult. Do not end up in this situation. It is too hard to maintain a friendship when there is an imbalance of feelings. I agree with Tony, find someone who has enough respect for you to not lie to you and who acts like a grown-up. Good luck.