julietverni Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 1/2 years. He and I have both only had 2 relationships before this one. I'm fine with that, but every once in a while he tells me he feels like he missed out the whole college dating scene because he was with me for his last 2 years of college. The thing is, he had a year or two before dating me where he had all the time in the world to date around. Last night he told me that I was the most important person in his life, but he felt like we had reached a point where we have to either move forward (as in get married) or separate and he doesn't feel ready to devote the rest of his life to one person. I cried all night and even hyperventilated, but I eventually convinced him (I think) that we should not live together any more, but continue our relationship and see what happens when we're not around each other 24/7. The thing is, I think this feeling of having missed out isn't the real problem because he's had opportunities to date around, even for a year while I was living in Boston and he was in Los Angeles, I gave him the option and he refused. Could it possibly be a self-esteem issue? If anyone else has been through a situation like this, can you please help me out? I want to save our relationship, but I don't fully understand everything that's going on because I don't feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 This is absolutely nothing more than a timing issue. Marriage is all about timing. He may love you more than life itself but if he isn't ready to devote the rest of his life to anybody right now, whether it be you or anybody else. he is simply not ready. Not only should you celebrate that he is honest and forthright but you should celebrate that he isn't sucking you into what could be your worst nightmare. People who get married out of pressure, despite their feelings that the timing is wrong, end up making miserable mates. I think your plan to pull back and give him time is good. Your biggest gamble is that he may not be ready for marriage for another ten or 15 years...or ever, for that matter. On the other hand, you could fall madly for somebody tomorrow who is looking for a lady just like you and who wants to be with you now and forevermore...a guy who is ready right now. It's a real bixtch when the timing is off...but it happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julietverni Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 I had posted about a week ago about my boyfriend of almost 4 years breaking up with me because he felt like he had missed out on the whole college dating scene. Well it turns out that wasn't the reason at all. He said he felt burdened by all these problems in his life (his father is an alcoholic, his son lives in another state, and he hadn't had a job for about 5 months) and that having to deal with a relationship on top of that was all too much. He said he wanted to go off on his own and grow up and deal with his problems, figure out who he really is. He still loves me and we want to remain best friends, and even his mother said she thought of me as her daughter. I told him last night that I would gladly take him back if he wanted to start things over again and he said he appreciated the offer, but he doesn't want me to wait for him. I told him there's no way in hell I'd wait for him, but I think part of me always will. Do you think there's a chance that once he's sorted all his problems out and gotten his life on the right track, that he'll want to come back to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah12385 Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 well, one thing's for sure, you two keeping up a friendship is one of the best things to do. i was with someone for 2 years, we had a mutual breakup, but now he won't even talk to me, don't let that happen to you 2. now you say he told you not to wait for him.....i think you should take that into consideration. this may sound, cruel and conceited, but perhaps you could start thinking of dating someone new. keep an open mind about things, don't try 'n find someone who reminds you of your ex you know? how old are you by the way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author julietverni Posted July 18, 2003 Author Share Posted July 18, 2003 I'm 23. This is all so hard because we still love each other and we're still attracted to each other. I just feel like there's a way around this, you know? I don't think this is the answer, but he just won't let himself be open to any other options. I suggested that we stay together as a couple, but live apart so he can have his space to grow, but he said the burden of the relationship would still be there. I just don't see that. Link to post Share on other sites
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