I almost lost it Today!

[THEBIGARC]

The W and I have been talking everything out ok about selling the new house and our son. Well, today she got mad at me for talking to the OM's W. He is going through a divorce. I just wanted to know if she left him or he did. Well, I should have never talked to her. It opened a big can of worms. Now, he is not giving his W money. I feel bad for her. It is a mess. I tried to call my W to talk about the sale of our house and she would not answer my calls. She text me back and said she is going to eat and will call me later. I know she is going eat with him. I was so pissed I got in my truck and I was going find them. I got 1/2 way there and stopped. I would kill this guy. He is a small guy and I am 6'1" 220 lbs. I keep having these feelings. I know it is best to not be with her, but I am so pissed that she has moved on while we are still married. Now that I had time to think, when she does call me back I will be calm and talk about the house. This whole thing is getting very hard to bare. I went to a counselor last week, I think I need to go again. I need meds or something. This whole thing makes me feel like I am dying. I moved out Sunday and it is killing me not to live with my son. I just hope I can keep my calm when I am around her. I almost lost it today. I am thankful I turned around. Anyone else know what I can do to just move past this. When I went to the counselor and really talked about it, I admited I was not happy with her. I wanted out of this marriage. It is killing me now though.

 

Help please!!

[sumdude]

It's damn hard .. been there, done that. I almost had to be held back from driving up to where my X moved to with her new 'roommate'. I know at one pont I called my buddy in Florida and told him I was coming the next day to stay for 10 days. I had to get away and calm down. My mind was racing and I was on edge. If you can get out of town for a week and stare at the ocean or mountains that'll help some. DO NOT get drunk... your emotions might get the better of you and reduced inhibitions could land you a world of trouble.

 

I would blow off steam by:

 

Working out like mad, also lost 50 lbs so that helped my self image.

 

Primal scream therapy (so to speak). I would take an hour alone at home and just let all that stuff out, yell, scream, cry whatever it took to get those feelings out without taking them out on anyone else.

 

Finding projects to work on...

 

Seeing a councilor for a while.

 

It's a hard ride on this roller coaster, this stuff helps but really you're going to go through some wild emotional swings. Understand that it's normal... you'll be okay. There's no real moving past it, there's dealing with it... accepting it and time healing it.

[Nomad1]

Hey TheBigArc. You have gone through so much in such a short period of time. Give it time and bear the pain. But whatever you do, don't lose your cool. It achieves nothing and you will be in trouble. Be totally indifferent to what they do or at least pretend at first until you accept that there is nothing that you can do about the situation. She is no longer your wife. How can she be when she is sleeping with another man. Would you want her back? Surely not. Focus on your son. It's ok to feel resentful and angry, but don't give her the satisfaction to think that you are in pieces. Act happy and indifferent in front of her and your son. It does get better. You will feel relieved that it is all over. She was not a good wife to you. You deserve better even if it means waiting for a couple of years to meet someone you will love and who will love you. Your wife clearly never got over her ex. when she married you. He will dump her again when a better offer comes along.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[mark982]

do not go chasing after him and her!! could very easily end up in jail. don't need that crap.therapy,meds yelling,hell i even talked to a preacher cause i thought i was going nuts. it's a tuff road,i feel for you.

[smileysmile]

Hey big, im on the train writing this, and laughed at yours and other posters replies. I laughed 'cos its the same i am feeling. I wld cry otherwise and im tired of it. Wot u almost did im sure weve all come close to. Read my update on my story thats how bad im feeling. Moment of madness. As god as my witness i dnt ever want to feel pain like this again. When will it end. This is torture!

[guessjeans]

Cool heads need to pervail. Remember! your son lives in that house! You want your son to have to witness his father with whom he looks up to, mentors, see him totally out of control yelling and screaming..maybe violent with someone else? Have his mother scared, his father yelling...i can tell ya, that is something your son WILL NEVER FORGET! NEVER! He will carry that around with him for the rest of his life. That image!

 

You have got to keep your cool. Stop doing things that wind you up. We all know how hard it is to know that someone we love is with someone else. Especially a spouse. The image in our minds, and hearts..its very hard to bare...but what choice do i have?? Telling them how we feel does nothing! Begging, pleading...oh please! We all have more self respect than that.

 

So what are our choices?? Really?? what is it?? Doing nothing! You have to know, like in the back of my mind too, that this relationship is NOT going to work. And I can promise you...every pain you are going through now, will come back as a MEMORY when she calls you one day crying that she made a terrible mistake. And all that hurt will come flooding back, and thats when you will know that all your work you are doing now, is going to prepare for that day, so that you can make the right decision and tell her you have moved on with someone else, and very happy.

 

She will be back. I would guarantee it. How long..who knows..who cares. But for now, you have to stay cool, calm for YOU and more importantly, for your SON..he needs you more than anyone. It is you that he looks up to..it is you who he mentors. Dont make him have to witness a situation where it scares him, and you write it on his slate, to carry around with him, for the rest of his life.

[THEBIGARC]

I am telling you all this site and all the post I have gotten have saved me from making huge mistakes while going through all of this. By not going find them and beating this guy to a pulp, she called me back later and we had a civil conversation. She agreed to sell our new house. I even went to our old house to cut the grass and visit with my son. He stayed outside with me the whole time I was cutting. I adore him and he does me too. We ate diner and then I went up in his room and we played and watched a movie. He kept hugging me and telling me how much he loves me. That is what life is all about. I will not lose controll. I will not make it harder for him than it already is. His mom is going through hell with her own parents because of this. They hate this ex and love me. So, I do not need to add to it. She said my son could come sleep at the family member I am staying with's house on Thursday. I can't wait. Her dad did call me this morning and is still very pissed at her and him. I told him that I no longer wanted to be apart of all this. He respected that and told me that I will always be his son. I am sure when he calls the ex bf and chews him out again, the W will blame me. I hope she will remain civil. I do not want to go to war with her about assets. Only time will tell!

 

Thanks again

[Trimmer]

It sounds like you are doing a good job (although it may be hard at times) keeping things in perspective. I often give this advice to a man in your position (which I was at one time.) Think of your wife as different characters: the friend, the spouse, the mother of your child, a business partner (in your home sale.) At any given time, remember which "character" you are dealing with and interact with that character ONLY in the areas and ways that are pertinent to that character.

 

The biggest advantage this gave me was that when I would be talking to my STBX about kid stuff, I would think of her as our childrens' mother, and I was more easily able to set aside - for that moment - my feelings about her as a spouse. At that moment, be a father, and think of her and talk to her as a mother, for the good of your child, and that will help insulate those interactions from the (understandable) anger you have towards her as a spouse.

 

When you are talking about the sale of your house, think of yourselves as two business partners in a deal where you are trying to do your best to work together so you will both get the maximum benefit from the outcome. Again, try to set aside your "spouse" dynamic for the purpose of accomplishing a successful business deal.

 

And as far as your "spouse" feelings, if the marriage is over, then you probably won't get much help working those out with her, but that's where I found a counselor to be really helpful, so I didn't just swallow those awful feelings down and let them fester and rot inside. Once I started to use my counselor to work that stuff out, then I kind of felt like I didn't need to rely on my STBXW; with another outlet, I was kind of able to let go of the feeling that she owed me any "help getting through it," which further helped me separate those feelings when I was trying to deal with her as a mother or business partner.

 

Being there for your son, showing yourself to be an example of strength and gracious behavior in this difficult time when his world is being torn apart, is a great and powerful gift to him. To the degree that the two of you (parents) can help him feel safe - like he still has two whole parents that he can trust and rely on, and who don't expose him to emotional battles or put him in the middle of a loyalty tug-of-war - you are doing him a great service.

 

In the early days of our separation and divorce, I was a real mess, emotionally, but keeping my eye on the prize of maintaining a healthy and safe environment for my kids (which I strongly believed also meant supporting her in her role as parent) became an anchor that really kept me grounded. In the long run, I've gotten much better, and healed a great deal emotionally, and looking back I am SO, SO GLAD that I kept it together in the early days, and didn't lash out or "lose it," both for the sake of my kids, and for the person I have become.

 

You don't have to swallow or ignore the anger, grief, rage, and all that stuff; that's definitely not good for you. Go try the counselor some more, with the idea that that's a good, safe place to work this stuff out, and that will help you gradually peel away and leave behind the bad stuff, and find the healthy father and man that is ready to move on into the future.

[THEBIGARC]

I will try to deal with her with all that in mind, coparent, business partner.etc. I just get those feelings of missing my old life. Even though I was unhappy, it was a confortable life. I had a wife, a son, a house, and it was safe. Now I have a son that I can not see everyday, a wife choosing another man over me, and no more house. I am living with an aunt. I am having a hard time letting go. I know time will heal things. I just don't want to regret my life with her. I don't want to second guess every decison I made with her. She never has gotten over this ex and there was nothing I could or could not have done to change that. I keep telling myself this and everyone else is, but I still am so sad about it. I am going to really miss her family so much. One of her cousin sent me a quick message on Myspace. It made me want to cry. I know I will always be a part of their lives because of my son, but it will never be like it was. The OM gets all those benefits and he don't deserve them. I am going back to the counselor. She really helps me out.

 

Thanks again!!