i'm ready to get her back. please help.

[kkbutter]

4 months ago I broke up with my fiance and my soulmate of 7 years. It was my 27th birthday, and she was a week short of 26. We had been living together for 3 years and then engaged for 3 months. After our engagement, she panicked, then I panicked, and everything fell apart. I thought we needed time apart to think over, and I suggested breaking up.

 

I actually never dreamt of her really leaving me. For 7 years she was incredibly in love with me while I tried breaking up twice before. Instead, she moved out this time and hooked up 3 days later. For a month she has been living in his apartment, but just until she moves into her own studio in a month or two.

 

We were both aware of our enduring issues. From the beginning of the relationship we fought a lot--too frequently for me and too intensely for her. She is a very vocal and confrontational person, whereas I have never fought with anyone but her. We were probably too young too. It was her first relationship ever, and it was my first serious one. She was always raising issues when I was just trying to get along with her. She thought I was avoiding problems, and I thought she was creating problems. And when we fought, we didn't know how to stop. Basically, I'd break down for a day or two, withdrawing from her to regain my feelings or just in shock while she grew more insecure in my absence. We hurt each other quite deeply from time to time (never physically).

 

On the other hand, I have never met anyone so compatible in so many ways. Sure, I was concerned about her spending time with me 24-7, but it was never boring with her. We did EVERYTHING together, and we dreamt of growing old together.

 

I belive that we needed the breakup. We were fighting more than ever after our engagement, and we needed to cool off. Since the break up I've learned so much about myself, what my problems were, and how much I truly love my ex. I no longer feel that our personalities were so incompatible; we were (I was) just too immature to see what was at stake and to know how to fight for it. But I feel I am ready to go back and rebuild our bond.

 

Unfortunately, my ex didn't give herself a week before she started another relationship (which hurt me tremendously). She told me that her reasons for leaving me were as follows:

1. We were fighting and hurting each other too much.

2. She was curious about other relationships

 

She says she is happy with her new bf, that they haven't fought yet, and that she can't see herself coming back to me. But from how she describes him, she does not seem attached to him or his personality. I am just hoping that she is telling me to give up because she doesn't want me waiting for her.

 

At any rate, our contact has been minimal since the breakup, and I am missing her so much. I've considered just becoming friends with her, but it just won't do justice to how I feel. I am so willing to wait if she just needs more time. The problem is that she is applying to graduate schools next fall, so she will most likely be around for a year and a bit.

 

In thie meanwhile, I've been dated a few girls, but they are no comparison to my ex. The more I date, the more I miss my ex.

 

I need her back so badly!!! What should I do?

[stace]

I really wish I could help you and give you the advice that you need. But I am in the same situation. Me and my ex were never engaged, but we talked about it. We were perfect for eachother, but argued so much too.

 

I know how you feel. You wont lose anything by telling her how you feel, but you need to understand that she is with someone else now, and that was her choice. My ex is also seeing another girl, and I dont understand how he could be over me so quickly and feel something for someone else so soon. I bet you're feeling the same too, eh?

 

Her feelings wont have disappeared over night, thats not possible. But maybe she feels like she has missed out on something by spending so many years of her life with you.

 

I dont know you, and I dont know your ex, but I know it hurts. The fact is, that you were both in love with eachother - it wasn't just you that was loving her, so she must still feel the loss and hurt in some ways too. Maybe she is using this new man to take her mind off of you. In time she may come to realise that he just aint you, and see why you were so special.

 

Only time will tell. The waiting game is tough. I'm still holding on 4 months later, I cant let go yet, but I'm trying. Just hang in there, hold your head up high and keep smiling!! Good luck.

[yagottahelp]

I think the answer to these situations is kind of easy. Someone that is with someone that long and moves on to someone else so fast, sees something the other relationship was lacking. Remember the first 2 months of being with them???? Movies every night, late night pizza, long glances, excitement, tons of excitement. I don't care how much you love someone and they love you, it won't always be that super exciting-

 

That person may, or may not, but just may say hey-well this was fun, but i don't love them, there's no connection, i miss my ex

[kkbutter]

Thanks to both of you for responding. Listening ears mean so much to me right now.

 

I'm feeling a lot better now. I've been talking to my friends more, and I am getting better perspectives on the whole issue. Yes, I've hurt her deeply when I could have avoided conflict, but she had some issues as well. She was curious about other relationships, she thought she deserved better or something like that, and hooking up with someone in 3 days was her way of resolving her issues.

 

I understand that I just need to wait and focus on myself in the meanwhile. I've told her how I feel about her (without putting pressure one her... I hope), and I just need to wait for her to make up her mind at this point. I do belive that she is using her boyfriend to satisfy her curiousity , and I am surprisingly not jealous. I just feel she deserved better than her new man. But I am sure she will realize sonner or later how well we connected. regardless of whether she wants to get back together.

 

At any rate, good luck to you, stacy, and thanks to yougottahelp. there are ups and downs in one's life, and you've gotta embrace every aspect of it.

[stace]

I understand that the excitement kinda wares off after a while of being together, but surely the love, understanding and commitment must mean more than that?!

Yes, the first 2 months of a relationship are usually the best, but in your case (and in mine) our exs are spending every day with their new partners. I'm sure when you two first got together time was precious because there wasn't as much of it. It was the same for me. But when we started to spend more and more time together, that was when the arguments started.

So, if your ex has dived straight into another full on relationship and is moved in so quickly, then she hasn't given the relationship time to develop properly, or naturally. Things have been rushed. So they may seem fine now, but I bet that it doesn't take long before she realises what a mistake she has made.

 

Hope that makes sense???!

[stewh]

Stace and KKButter,

 

Amazingly enough I am in the same position as you both. I was with my ex gf for 9 years. In April we split up and within a week she was seeing someone else. I still can't believe it now! She is going on holiday on friday with him to Tenerife. Cost her £900. We had'nt been on holiday for two years because she could'nt afford it

 

Whilst she is away I get the job of looking after our house and the dog. I don't mind because I miss the dog. But I am so frustrated I can't get her back. She gives me so many mixed signals saying she is confused and even that she loves me.

 

Unfortunately we still have a house together and it is taking forever to get the damn place sold. So I can't cut her off even if I wanted to.

 

Some people amaze me how they can change. When I see her everything seems strange, awkward really.

 

You'll have to read my thread for most of the details to my story. It was a nightmare. Still is. But now it is more a case of wishing I could see the future to find out whether a) she may change her mind and come back b) i should TRY and meet someone else or c) just stay single because I am not ready for anyone else.

 

People can really mess your head up.

 

I hope you two both have happy outcomes to your problems. It is true what everyone says about time healing. But it scares me that I may forget little details between us. I have certainly learned from this experience. But whether that is good I don't know. My ex was the closest person to me for 9 years, helped me through some tough family bereavements and generally was always there for me when I needed her most. I was the same with her too as she had some family trouble with her parents splitting up. It scares me that if this person was able to do this to me after being with me so long and knowing me so well. What sort of things could other people do that I hardly know or have been with for a short period of time.

 

I do get attached quickly and I just don't know whether I could let myself go through this ever again.

 

Just wanted to rant a bit more to be honest but let me know how you both get on.

 

Stew

[RogueK]

My woman of 5 years left me and started dating also a week after the break up. I know she wouldn't have been able to break it off had she not had anyone to "fall back" on or whatever. She's afraid of being single i think.

 

Anyway the entire next month since she started dating this guy was plagued with back and forth calls as well as emails where i would poor my feelings out to her and she would tell me she knows and that she loves me still and misses me constantly.

 

Then i would be like "WTF? If she has all of these feelings for me then why is she with him?". The fact is we were having money problems as well as arguments. In retrospect i feel that those arguements were based off of troubles we had with money.

 

This guy apparently has money and "toys" as i like to call them. So i'm sure she's enjoying her life with money being thrown at her whenever she desires.

 

Here's the twisted thing though. She was emailing me - giving me false hope with her feelings - and i told her either i'm in your life or "he" is in your life...NOT both of us.

 

She then decided to take a week to think about it and EVEN TOLD ME that she's torn between him because he has a good life already and has "potential" and torn between be because of the way she feels about me. TWISTED.

 

Anyway i've figured that it is over. The fact is i went out last weekend and she wasn't with me, right now i'm typing in a forum whose subject is "breaking up", and we have no plans at all in the near future - all ingredients of two people who are NOT together. I've decided that i'm going to finally try to let go completely. I've blocked her emails to my account (she doesn't know) and am going to work REAL hard at not accepting her calls if and when she does call me again.

 

The real kicker is i think she is moving in with him, not this weekend, but the one after. SHE'S ONLY BEEN WITH THE GUY FOR A MONTH AND A HALF!! And a huge part of that still consisted of telling me she thinks about me and loves me. What kind of relationship is that.

 

Anyway (now that stewh and i are done with our rants it's been SO difficult to let go but the thing that i've learned is i wanted to be with her because it made me HAPPY. She doesn't want to be with me, she still loves me, but doesn't want to be with me. So keeping that in mind what can i need to start thinking about what in my life will make me HAPPY again. That is what it's all about. You fall in love and start a life with someone because they make you happy. Happiness should be a standard part of love.

 

I've decided it's time that i work on myself and become the independent person i've always wanted to be. There's still a huge part of my heart that belongs to my ex, but i've decided that is normal considering i love her the way i do. In time that part will fade and i'll be ready to give it to someone else. Although i'd LOVE to be with another person right now i know in my soul that i'm just not ready for it yet. My main concerns now are school and my friends who i've decided i'm lucky to have.

 

A little side note: I found out what my ex's "man" does for a living. The fact is when i'm done with school (around January),and get a year or so of working under my belt to build a decent resume, i'll BURY him in gross income. Sometimes it's good to tell yourself "her loss".