Long Distance Woes (Long story - please read and advise)

[Lost Guy]

Okay, let me tell you my story - its long, so settle in and I'll try to break it up into paragraphs to make it easy. Anyone who reads this story - please just send me something, I'm kinda lost these days, and any advise, thoughts whatever would be incredibly helpful...

 

Okay, moved overseas to study for a year. Broke up with my girlfriend at home, and wasn't really concerned with it (never loved her - it was fun, but it had its time and place). Settled in to my new university, loved it, partied, had a great time.

 

Met a girl who lived down the hallway from me. We clicked instantly. The chemistry was incredible, physically, emotionally, intellectually. We got on like a house on fire (and it usually was when we were in the room together).

 

I was finishing my year and had to move home. We decided to just keep it going for a while just to see what may eventuate - I knew I wanted to move back to her country, just a problem with immigration etc.

 

Amazingly, we keep it going for three more years. We talk every day. I never once think of being with anyone else, and neither does she. We're so in love, and even with the distance, we find creative ways to be together. During those three years, she visits me three times (twice for a week, and once for three months - there was a special visa program that she was able to come on) - I visit her for a full month in that time also (no such visa programs available for me).

 

In the last year of our relationship we are planning to make the final move. We've both graduated and are unsure of what we want to do, but know we want to be together. I'm a bonafide filmmaker now, and she's a new journalist/writer. Anyways, the plan is, I'm going to move there. Some months before the move, i panic, I am ready to move, but want to be ready professionally. So I decide to make an independent film. I do - but communication between she and I begins to dissolve during the filming. Eventually, I get frustrated at the distance and the arguments, and decide to take a break. In the back of my mind, I always wanted to keep it going, but I just needed a break from the long distance. We keep talking though - though not every day. I am suddenly happier - change in mood, not so much pressure. I still want to be with her, but my life is just living in the now instead of waiting for the future.

 

We make a pact, that if we ever sleep with anyone else, we'll tell the other person. Mutual trust was an important thing to us.

 

I wasnt planning to, but I get drunk one night. And I sleep with another woman. I hate it, it makes my skin crawl, and I can't go through with it. I call my girl and tell her. For her, its the ultimate betrayal. She doesnt call me and I dont call her, because i figure she needs time to cool off.

 

Finally I get the nerve to call her. Telling her, I want to come see her at least. She says no, and cries, telling me she's over it. (Its now two months since we broke up).

 

I go a little nuts at this point. Call a lot, asking how she can no longer be in love with me so suddenly after so long (blah blah blah - typical guy stuff). She gets mad at all the calling and tells me to leave her alone. So I do

 

I decide to go see her anyway - start planning the trip, making arrangements. I decide its wise not to just turn up on her doorstep. So I e-mail her two weeks before leaving. She e-mails a week later. Saying she's with someone new, and is in love with him, and that I'm deluded to think that anything would happen. One part of her e-mail sticks with me though. 'If you come, you'll be doing the one thing you've done all along - not listen to me'. Its true, (we went through a lot of stuff together, and while I tried really hard, I would always try to solve her problems rather than listen). So I cancel the trip. In the e-mail she also makes the effort to note the new guy is a very successful TV Producer and yada yada yada (ie. stuff she knew would hurt me)

 

So I cancel the trip, and I sit at home. I decide in order to move on with my life, I still want to move to her country - but just for me (the work opportunities are far better there) - But in order to do this, I still need her help. I call her and ask her. I tell her there is no pressure, and while I'm not completely over her, I need to do this for me. She says she'll think about it. One thing she tells me is that she'll never love anyone as intensely as she loved me, and will love me till the day she dies (its funny how you cling onto little phrases like that and ignore the really devastating ones like 'i love someone else').

 

Anyways, that was about a month ago. Now, I really can't forgive myself for what I've done. I've taken a vow of celibacy for a couple of months (I don't know, seems like something to do in order to punish myself, or at least absolve myself). It was February when we broke up. Its now July. - I havent heard from her since I last called.

 

I miss her terribly. I want a second chance, but not sure if I really deserve one yet. I know I have to allow her to move on. But theres so much we have yet to do together - and the distance was such a build up to all that. I want her and I to start again on equal footing, without the distance and all the baggage that came with it.

 

I dont believe her about being in love with this new guy - i mean, how is that possible?- but the point is, whether I believe it or not, I have to trust her and her judgement.

 

Well, if you got this far - thanks for reading! Any thoughts, opinions, ideas, would be so gracefully welcomed...

 

Lost and heartbroken guy...

[snoopdawg]

Hi,

 

I can relate to your story, ive been in 3 long term relationships lasting 2/3 years a piece.

 

You made a mistake sleeping with the other women and maybe the distance fuelled further suspcious, not saying that you were doing anything.

 

Like myself you seem like a sensitive guy, I feel like I would do anything to get back with my ex but as you said you gotta listen to the women (as per white men cant jump!!) and leave them alone. Its not easy to accept that someones feelings can change so rapidly, use the experience positively. Perhaps it could inspire you to produce a film!

 

Ive worked out that beating yourself up wont change a thing. Im goin though the phaze of waiting for a call to say that she wants me again but that is just goin to cause me more pain with anticipation. I also dont want to give up cause I see that as failure on my behalf. I sometimes think that If I dont try then maybe an opportunity to get back would be lost. Fact of the matter is time heals.

 

Things will change! you'll be happy. Get wired into your job, focus on the things you can do and change. Show her what you can do!

 

You cant change her feelings about you ! whats done is done.

 

Be positive

 

Hope this helps a little.

[Lost Guy]

Yes, I still hope...

 

I wonder if things would be different if we could see each other in person. Like I say, I'm going there at the end of the year, but I wonder if I'll be too late by then. It has been over a year since we last actually saw each other.

 

Am I wrong to still hope? I went to a party last night, and while the people were really nice and fun, I just couldnt really bring myself to stick around for longer than half an hour.

[maskee28]

You mentioned that you still want to move to her country and that in order to do so, you need her help. Just curious - what is she supposed to do to assist with your immigration?

[Lost Guy]

Just file some papers etc. Its no big deal, but it was a sore point for us in the past. Basically now, the reason its difficult is because she really doesnt want anything to do with me anymore - and if she's going to help me, she'll have to deal with me.

 

If I could figure out another way around it, I would do that first. Like I said, I'm not going to pressure her on this decision - its entirely up to her, and I'll take whatever answer she gives.

[mimi]

I would suggest that if you truely love this woman, then go get her. I was in a situation like this before, and I was mad at my ex for cheating, and I even dated a bit too, but when it came down to it, if he would have came back to our hometown and picked me up and took me back home, I would have gone with him in a heartbeat. YOu want to move to her country anyways, do what you had planned in the begining, while you were still together, so do it. Your drive and ambition to get her back will definatley please her if it was truely meant to be in the first place.

The worst that will happen, is you'll have made a move to another country, away from home, thats all. YOu have to go out on a limb for the things that you want, things that are most important in life, like true love. Though at least, whatever the outcome, you fought for her, didn't give up and believed in something alot of people can't.

Sleeping with someone else is just a mechanical action that humans do, it's not a big deal.

Prove your love to her and go and get her.

[Lost Guy]

Hey Mimi

 

Thanks for your message, its amazing how great it is to finally hear encouragment in some form. My only concern is, will I be too late? I am sticking to the plan I had when we were together, but it means moving at the end of the year rather than now. By that time I will be more financially secure and be able to make the permanant move.

 

Also, though it hurts, I do need her help to make the permanant move. If she doesnt help, then my move will only be able to last four months maximum. As I say, there is no pressure on her, and regardless of her answer, I will be there anyway. I just worry that she may have moved on with her new partner, and that me asking may have finally pushed her away. On the other hand, me asking may convince her that I'm serious about her. I dont know, I guess you have to accept fate, no matter what the outcome.

 

But I would like to find out, and she's definately worth finding out about.

 

I love her.

 

Thanks Mimi.