Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[lovebites77]

Alright, this is a fun one, guys, and its a LONG story. I met this guy online last July. At the time, I was going through a painful divorce (at the tail end now). I met up with this man, expecting nothing, looking for nothing more than conversation and just something to do. I have two kids, so I am not the type to be out clubbing, etc. Anyway, I knew he had two kids of his own, was separated for over a year--so we already had something in common. Cool--so we meet up. At first I was a little apprehensive-turns out he has a mild disability which causes a pronounced limp--no big deal though really, just a little curious. But, meeting face to face, eye to eye. My world, and his too, I believe, was turned upside down and shook every which way--never have I connected with someone the way I did with him---never! And we had so much in common, it was almost scary. As he later described it, it was unnerving how well we got along, like old friends.

Well, a very intense romance ensued. It sucked us both in, like we had no control over it really. Love each other, or else : ) We saw other as often as we could, with and without kids, called each other. We bonded quickly, shared our past hurts with each other, had fun together, just enjoyed being with the other, I think. Things were going wonderfully, no sex yet, just heavy making out. We are both shy in that aspect. He almost shyly, tentatively, tells me he is falling in love with me. Then "I love you", and I returned the sentiment. It was scary, after the pain of what our exes did, but I was ready to deal with it, because I liked him so much. I remember telling him that I was scared. It seemed at this point, I began to sense that something was wrong on his end. I did feel in my gut, that he cared a lot for me, but he was pulling away. And there was nothing I could do but love him while he was here, and watch him back off slowly. At one point, he had a breakdown, confided in a long email that he was having trouble dealing with the relationship, due to his past issues and current stress level. He even takes back the "i love you". As a result, I back waaay off, giving him space. We stay together, for the time being, and I keep trying to ignore the fact that I know it is temporary.

We finally end up doing the dirty deed, simply cause we both wanted to finally. In the end, he cracks--he says he can't do "this" anymore, he just can't handle it right now, we talked for over an hour about it. I think I had the guy near tears, he says my understanding humbled him. So we part ways for about 6 weeks. No contact. Serendipity brought us back together, we start emailing a little. Then I drop off a Christmas gift to him, and the man acts like we were never apart-his eyes all over me like he is starved--confusing!!! He holds my hand during the movie, kisses my forehead like it was an everyday thing. We end the night holding each other on his couch, and drawn like magnets to kiss each other goodnight. he seems worried, and I ask him "why is this so hard for you?", to which he replies, hesitantly, earnestly"I'm very scared--every relationship I've been in has ended badly". OK--fair enough. He says "lets take things slowly" OK--I'll resist the urge as always to tell him that I love him, and let it go at that. I can see he is in pain, and seeing someone I love suffer is not my style. So I don't push.

I call occasionally, just to say "hi". He always seems genuinely happy to hear from me. Until our last call--he was in a very dark mood, not about me, but about the rest of his life not going well, not to mention his bitterness toward the crap his ex pulled. I know he hasn't been well emotionally, has a lot of emotional baggage, and I, maybe wrongly, feel that I am bothering him, upsetting him with my "loving presence". Like I said, I can't stand seeing him hurt because of me. So, I did the only thing I knew to help him anymore--took myself out of his life. I sort of said goodbye in a text message--but I didn't mean "goodybye forever" I just said "sorry you aren't well, hope you are better now, take care of yourself, bye" It killed me, but I was at my wits end with him. He blows so hot one day, so cool the next. Its heartbreaking to love someone, and know that a relationship is impossible at the moment because of circumstance, and their own personal issues (with him, self-confidence, emotional baggage, divorce issues)

Heres the part that really kills me, I tried to check in with him about a month or so ago, texted him very casually about how he was, how I was--no response. He has never ignored me. I then tried to call him, let him know I was worried about him, could he please just give me a call, let me know he was OK--nothing but silence. I tried one more message--nothing. I did break down, got ticked off, and sent a text--I really was baiting him. Told him if he really hated me so much, why not tell me to f**k off already? Perfect opportunity for him to do so. but, nothing. It kills me because I really, gut feeling here, thought he was a good man, a better man than he is acting right now. I never thought he would just ignore a friendly gesture. I really did feel that I meant more than just something to him, but yet he treats me like nothing by completely disregarding me? Its not like he is a player-type. WTF??!! I've been so confused, so hurt, so lost....you guys weren't there obviously, didn't feel that connection, the kind that doesn't happen often. All I got now is what he has told me, what I have felt in my gut, and the cold hard facts. He is gone, won't talk to me--it happens, I know. Problem is, though I am mad at how he is handling all this, he is so wrong to treat me this way, I do still love him, and have a hard time believing he really is an a**hole. So, now I'm left with all this, trying to decide, to wait him out and see if he can slay his demons and if it was as special to him as it was to me, time will tell the truth. Or, should I vent and send him a scathing letter??? I know this sounds dumb to a lot of you out there, but I don't want to hurt him, and my gut has been telling me, give it time and leave him be for now. Either he comes back somehow, or I am left with a very vivid memory of "us", a lesson learned and a closely guarded heart. So, do I trust myself or what? Good grief, opinions are welcome, especially constructive ones. Thanks for reading my long, sorrowful tale of love.

[Storyrider]

He might just be too depressed to answer. It might not be about his feelings for you.

[lovebites77]

Forgot to mention, a couple weeks before we last spoke, I spent the night with him. He invited me to spend New Years with him- I had too much to drink, was a bit down about some issues with my kids and the my ex. He took care of me basically, kept me from passing out on the kitchen floor. Took me to bed, was very sweet, not in a manner of taking advantage of a drunk woman. Things progressed, sex happened, we spent the night next to each other. He was a bit odd the next day, moody, but I expected it from him by now. Like I said, hes not a player. He doesn't sleep around--seems to take that kind of thing seriously. So, once again, WTF? He has left me so confused, geez........

[LuCidiTy]

ugh. this sounds so eerily familiar to what i'm going through right now. freakishly so, so i'll be reading comments right along with you to see what people say.

 

all i can contribute right now is what someone else on this forum said in relation to my situation, which again is VERY similar, and that was that it's hard to believe in someone who doesn't believe in himself, and that it's also hard to have someone around who believes in you when you don't believe in yourself.

 

i think it is partly an ego thing. a lot of people, when you see them weak and vulnerable (crying in your arms...boy is that familiar...freaking out after intimacy...yep), often turn away from you. you now know something that doesn't match the image they want to project to the world or even admit to themselves.

 

maybe because, no matter how they needed you and how lovingly and understandingly you were there for them, you now also know their deep dark secret...that they're unable to cope or weak. and so because of this you have some sort of "hold" on them.

 

who knows...maybe even in the past someone used something like this against them, during the ugliness of a breakup, maybe, and they don't want that to happen again or for someone to have that kind of power over them.

 

maybe this wouldn't even be an issue if the relationship were more established and there was total trust and unconditional love and support.

 

just a theory, but i think one that you might consider in your situation.

 

the person who mentioned the above here in LS did so a few days ago.

 

and funny thing.

 

my bf and i are on a break (which could become permanent, which would break my heart). we had had no contact at all for 12 days, and the very first thing he said to me was ... lets see...i have no texts from you...no calls from you...sorry i haven't been around...

 

however, the very next thing was him asking me...what did you mean by the strength thingy? aside from me being the pussy in this? that took me back because i really had to think to remember that one of the last things i said to him in our last text exchange, after our last call when he gave me the "you're not going to like..." news, was "i never realized how much strength i've gained from you." weird.

[LuCidiTy]

forgot to mention too that if you love him and your relationship was loving, i wouldn't send any kind of scathing letter. if you must write and send a letter, let it be as your relationship was, but maybe just do an honest job of explaining your perspective, why you care about and for him and what about him attracted and kept you around...his honesty, integrity, relationship with his kids, whatever fits, without judging or assuming anything about his. that might take some of the stress off?

[LuCidiTy]

Forgot to mention, a couple weeks before we last spoke, I spent the night with him. He invited me to spend New Years with him- I had too much to drink, was a bit down about some issues with my kids and the my ex. He took care of me basically, kept me from passing out on the kitchen floor. Took me to bed, was very sweet, not in a manner of taking advantage of a drunk woman. Things progressed, sex happened, we spent the night next to each other. He was a bit odd the next day, moody, but I expected it from him by now. Like I said, hes not a player. He doesn't sleep around--seems to take that kind of thing seriously. So, once again, WTF? He has left me so confused, geez........

 

maybe mention that! how strong he was n taking care of you!

 

as for the rest, i'd love to hear other opinions...cuz everytime we got intimate, this tended to happen too...moodiness a day or two later. a distancing. when i know damn well it was great. im guessing it just gave him too much to think about on top of everything else that was going on...like oh damn that was good and i want more but am i ready and am i really free and where do i want to go with this and now my head hurts and im just gonna NOT think and back off? something like that? guys?

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm sorry to say that you'll just have to chalk this up to experience.

I like to make it known that alot of emotional people especially those suffering from depression are especially selfish in their motives. They want to be with a partner, but always would place their needs above the rest. They play the victim flawlessly, blaming it on chemical imbalance as an easy way out of situations. It's very inconsiderate, but it's more common than you think.

 

I hope you find someone you can truly relate to more, and try to see this so called prince charming as a rebound back into the world of dating.

[lovebites77]

"who knows...maybe even in the past someone used something like this against them, during the ugliness of a breakup, maybe, and they don't want that to happen again or for someone to have that kind of power over them."

 

Yes--I think his ex did something to him, he has never came out and admitted it though. He was burned badly, however. So was I, however, and I was willing to give him a chance because I had a good feeling about him. Ha! I did actually mail him a letter as a final attempt to reach out to him--it was very calm, with a worried note, trying to explain why I did what I did, and told him I missed him and his kids. Left on a good note. We have never argued, never a harsh word was passed between us. I have never felt much need to be angry with him, until his grand disappearing act. you also mentioned that these things might not be an issue if our relationship had been more established--he wouldn't let it be, due to his fears, i guess. It was going that way, and he started backing into his shell. Sigh.....

[lovebites77]

I've been very depressed myself, and then some--been there, done that. So, I can sympathize. When people are truly depressed, they tend to not see the world around them, and disappear in their own pain--trust me, I know ALL about that crap, been there too many times, thanks to my own issues. And you could be right, though I hope not : ) He wasn't a rebound, technically, I never set out to date him--just happened. It does doubly suck, after being treated so badly by my ex-husband, to meet a soul with whom you connect with on so many levels, and have them pull such a trick. It sucks, i say!! I am going to have a hard time trusting again, I'm afraid. This man set off no red flags, and look what happened.

[LuCidiTy]

I'm sorry to say that you'll just have to chalk this up to experience.

I like to make it known that alot of emotional people especially those suffering from depression are especially selfish in their motives. They want to be with a partner, but always would place their needs above the rest. They play the victim flawlessly, blaming it on chemical imbalance as an easy way out of situations. It's very inconsiderate, but it's more common than you think.

 

I hope you find someone you can truly relate to more, and try to see this so called prince charming as a rebound back into the world of dating.

 

i'm sorry. i must have missed the diagnosis.

 

this is a relatively new relationship, barely 8 months old, and it's hit a bump, albeit a big one. people transitioning from one relationship do often freak out, and sometimes that's temporary and other times well...permanent. i think it might be too soon to tell.

 

but i also do think no contact from you is the best advice for your own self-preservation. and if he contacts you, feel it out slowly.

[lovebites77]

And Lucidity, you're on the right path....take a mental break....I feel your pain!!!!

[lovebites77]

Oh, by the way, don't know if it matters, men are men, but he is British.....so if there are any Brits out there who have any insight on odd British male behaviour, feel free to pipe in. Hes got a lot working against him at the moment--homesick, pain-in-the-rear ex, kids, lousy job, hes bitter about his ex, and then comes along yours truly to shake things up. Geez, I suppose its no wonder hes f**ck*d in the head right now.....

[sedona]

I am living pretty much exactly the same story as what's been described here. I loved and trusted this man completely. Never argued, always had fun together. Started to believe in the soulmate business. We talked about everything, I saw no red flags. For a while, I got back exactly what I was giving to him, and I was so happy. I truly believe that he was happy too.

 

And then he just turned away, slowly but irrevocably. Had the same problems with sex -- it was terrific for both of us, but in the end he just couldn't handle it anymore and stopped even touching me. Yet he says I'm amazing and that if he can't make a relationship work with me, then he can't make one work with anyone. The last times we were together, we had so much fun. Now I have no idea when I'll hear from him again, if ever. I think the problem lies mostly in him, in a fear of commitment. He got so close to me that he just had to pull away. It scared him, and rather than work on it together, he pushes me away.

 

I am hurt more than I ever thought possible and haven't figured out how to even begin getting over this. And in the meantime, I have no closure because the relationship isn't officially over. I tried to break it off completely last week, but it hurt so much that I called him back and said that I need him in my life. He said ok and we agreed to talk later. And that's where it stands. I just can't be the one to contact him first, and I think that he has no real need to talk to me. At the same time, I still trust him and can't imagine him never calling me again. Although I really can imagine it! It's like we are on completely different planets. It's inconceivable to me that he doesn't see how good our relationship could be and do everything he can to make it work. Then again, I guess he is doing everything he can -- which is just about nothing.

 

I don't think the behaviour of your bf had anything to do with being British. I think that for whatever reasons in his past, he's commitmentphobic. The vanishing act is typical. Another typical pattern is that the commitmentphobic gradually grows more distant until the one who actually wants to be together has to be the one to break it off. Then she (typically, but not always the female) lives in absolute pain and horror at what she's had to do while he goes on without any difficulties.

[LuCidiTy]

Started to believe in the soulmate business. <-- yeah...isn't that a bitch...when he just might be your soulmate, which you really never believed in much, and then it turns out you're not his.

 

yikes, sedona. that certainly is another way of looking at it (last paragraph). thanks for that

[Sfbaygirl415]

I know what it's like to be in a relationship that came about unexpectedly. I can relate to your feeling that he's not a bad person. I am going through the same thing. I refuse to believe that my ex is a bad person, I honestly believe he's confused.

 

With that being said, I don't believe that you should ever put your life on hold for anyone. I don't believe you should wait nor write him this letter that you've mentioned. You've done what you could on your end and you really need to let things go for your sake.

 

If things were meant to be.. things will get resolved and he'll be back with you. I know this is hard to hear.. but I'm practicing what I'm preaching here. I know it's easier said than done.

 

You need to focus on YOU! You don't need a man to complete your life. Once you learn to take care of and love yourself, then and only then will you attract the right man in your life. Like attracts like, if you let all this misery into your life.. you're going to continue down this path. Like I said, I know this is all easier said than done.. I should know.. I'm going through it. I'm doing my best to stay positive and be strong.. Be strong hun.. think positive thoughts.. I know you can do it.

[sedona]

With that being said, I don't believe that you should ever put your life on hold for anyone. I don't believe you should wait nor write him this letter that you've mentioned. You've done what you could on your end and you really need to let things go for your sake.

 

If things were meant to be.. things will get resolved and he'll be back with you. I know this is hard to hear.. but I'm practicing what I'm preaching here. I know it's easier said than done.

 

You need to focus on YOU! You don't need a man to complete your life. Once you learn to take care of and love yourself, then and only then will you attract the right man in your life. Like attracts like, if you let all this misery into your life.. you're going to continue down this path. Like I said, I know this is all easier said than done..

 

Exactly. I'm trying to do this, but am really struggling. It's true though, every word. Intellectually I know all this, but my emotions are in a different place entirely, still not being able to believe that he really hasn't called and that he stopped loving me!

 

I suggest that you write the letter, but don't send it. Getting it all down on paper can help you get it out of your system, so the words stop going around and around in your brain. Save it as a record of your feelings now. Some day you may want to look at it again. But there's no point in sending it, it can't help in the slightest. Just leave him alone, for your own good. You can't mess anything up if you don't get in touch.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Sedona.. good idea about writing the letter in a sort of journal and keeping it to yourself. It helps you vent out that frustration w/out having to send the letter out.

 

It breaks my heart to see what you wrote Sedona (the part about your brain's thoughts vs. what your heart's telling you) because I'm going through the same thing. Every day I'm in denial and tell myself that he's not a horrible man. Every day that passes I try to forget him but the thought of his silent treatment kills me even though I try to ignore it. I don't wish him anything bad.. but I do wish that he'll feel lonely soon so that he can realize what a great thing he had going on with me before he decided to throw it away. It's not everyday you feel a connection like that with someone and it's hard to let go and move on.

 

What I had with my ex was nice while it lasted. I guess I'm having a hard time understanding how you can act like a happy couple one day and then act like you're strangers the next. He always told me he was human and couldn't turn his feelings off like a faucet. Funny enough, when he has been upset with me in the past, he's set himself to invisible on his IM. Since we've stopped talking, he hasn't been on invisible but he won't talk to me. Go figure!

 

Anyhow.. how does the saying go? It's better to have loved than to have never loved at all?

[Walking away]

I am another one in the same boat.

 

I guess we just pick up the paddles and row away. We really have nothing else we can do. If these men's issues are so bad, we can't internalize their problems. We didn't cause their problems - we were just the recipients of them.

 

It sucks. I feel pain, too.

 

But, what do we do?

 

We walk away with dignity and pick up and pieces and move on.

 

We really have no other choice...

 

Hugs to all of you...

 

WA

[sedgwick]

Oh man...I am in SUCH a similar situation! Major connection, scary how much we had in common, whirlwind romance, he waffles, loves me then isn't sure, etc, but always comes back. One morning he wakes up, dumps me, takes off, and that was 9 months ago. A few more phone conversations, more waffling. I tell him I love him and let him go. No word since August. Sent him one text, no response.

 

I have no idea why this happens. He really did seem to be madly in love with me -- most of the time. And then one day he took off and stopped speaking to me.

 

I would never, ever break up with someone like that. I cannot imagine being that cruel. I wonder all the time: do they know how much they hurt us? Do they care?

[Walking away]

I had a talk with my guy yesterday. He told me that he desperately WANTS to love, but is unable... (He had a horrifically abusive childhood). Anyway, he is like a little boy who is banging his head up against the wall trying to find that key to open his heart, but there is so, so much damage that I don't know that he will EVER be able to let someone in.

 

He told me he is terrified. I listened. I supported him and I told him what my experiences with him have been. He understands me.

 

He admitted to me that he is an abandoner. I told him that I can speak from experience with him that he leaves a path of destruction behind him everytime he walks away. And he gives NO warning....just disappears. It is simply horrific. Yet, he tells me that is the ONE thing he is able to do. Just leave. To him, that is the easy part.

 

BTW, this man is in psychotherapy, but I don't see much hope.

 

Yet, he calls me (and we are in a LDR) and opens his soul to me.

 

I felt like I had been wrung out to dry after that conversation yesterday.

 

So, I know that I will have to be the one to walk away. He is so confused he doesn't know what end he is standing on.

 

But, I need health. And being with him would and has driven me crazy. It truly is crazymaking behavior.

 

These men's issues cannot be fixed by our love. It is that love that they are afraid of.

Edited March 19, 2008 by Walking away

[Walking away]

And another thing...

 

I sensed that he was commitmentphobic awhile ago, so I slowed things down, never called, let him come to me... (And he flew out here to be with me for the Christmas holidays...) I didn't invite him. He invited himself.

 

Still, I am here today.

 

I didn't smother him ever. He just cannot, IMHO, let anyone in.

 

Yet, I sense he wants my friendship. He feels safe with me. But, I feel incredibly emotionally unsafe with him. I just never know what each day will bring.

 

And that just sucks. Love is not supposed to be that way. Relationships should move forward, not backward.

[BlueHaiku]

And reading this I think I have a better understanding of what my guy is up to, sadly. He fits this pattern, though he's never broken up with or ignored me - he certainly has held me at an emotional distance at times, back and forth back and forth.

 

I guess it is time to break up with him.

[LuCidiTy]

 

Anyhow.. how does the saying go? It's better to have loved than to have never loved at all?

 

Dont' cry because it's over...smile becauseit happened. ~Dr Seuss

[lovebites77]

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and pain. It is an act of frustration and confusion dealing with people who have serious issues, and the only one who can fix their issues are themselves--and they have to do that in their own time. And those of us who love the person we see beyond the pain, are left bereft, heartbroken, confused and its hard to decide what to do when someone doesn't say "goodbye". I fight with myself all the time about "why", and if he really cared. Its exhausting and gets me nowhere. But, I can't fix him and in the end, I couldn't stand always being held at arms length, seeing the pain in his eyes....it was tearing me up. I would give anything if I thought I could actually help, but I can't. And I don't need him, I just miss the light he and his kids brought to my world. Its rather grey without him. There is a void now, and it will be really hard to fill. And if you genuinely loved someone, its hard to just write them off and forget them (I am a hopeless romantic, maybe) But, i will go on, live my life the best I can, and know that if he did return my love, he will find me again when he has cleaned out some serious emotional baggage. The thing with this guy, he has a short list of relationships, but they were long ones--10 years for one, til she fell prey to a serious mental illness, then his marriage, which ended in disaster and left him terribly disappointed, bitter and very sore, obviously. And I come along, just in time to experience the aftermath. He thought he was ready to move on, he told me, but being with me brought up all the past pain and I have been told twice, scared the crap out of him. If he can't deal with his past, he can't forge a future with someone who really does love him. That kills me, it really does. he is letting his ex win, basically, by letting his past stall his future. Crying shame, cause he is a great father, fascinating to know, not to mention that crazy, rather telepathic connection(he has acknowledged this, I'm not making it up)--its insane to me that we should be apart. I know this may sound dumb, but I feel very strongly that he is making a mistake, and I don't mean that in an egotistical manner, but I can't tell him that--he'd think I had an ulterior motive, obviously. Its just a feeling. I'm very instinctual, try to listen to my gut nowadays, just like when my gut says "stay away from him, let him miss me, wake up on his own" If I contact him, it will only stall progress, I feel--it needs to be his decision at this point, and bugging him will only be a bad influence. And I always wonder, if he knew how much I really did love him as a person, all of him, good and bad, and for the first time i can say I love a man unconditionally, even if he is being a selfish turd, would it matter? Ok--enough of my rambling, guys---just trying to make sense of it all, as you all can understand!! All insight is helpful right now--keep it coming folks!

[Walking away]

With a normal man, I think it is fine to share your feelings...but with men will emotional/intimacy issues, I think it scares them away.

 

But, what do I know...?

 

:/