surfcitysiren Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 he just is not that into you. and a creep to boot. I would be pissed that he was not answering a voicemail? text? email? He is trying to tell you he is not interested. He is not trying to say, wait for me while I suffer through my angst. Well, see now, that was MY take on him, too.....and why the dear man got an earbashing for it. Because he has 'issues' I know he is working through, I went this route (trying to reason with him...appeal to his better self, etc.) when I should have just cut my losses and WALKED AWAY. YES, I think we were falling for each other. But maybe he did the best thing for both of us (the first time). I just don't do well with being disrespected. Heaven help the men who tries to f*ck me over. Not that I would DO anything at all---just good luck ever talking to me again is what I mean. HA! Such big talk! He's the first man to ever pull this on me and look at me!!!! I can't let it gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I think it's my hurt pride, partly....and part of it is that it just fascinates the hell out of me what goes on in a man's mind....so called.....LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Well, see now, that was MY take on him, too.....and why the dear man got an earbashing for it. Because he has 'issues' I know he is working through, I went this route (trying to reason with him...appeal to his better self, etc.) when I should have just cut my losses and WALKED AWAY. YES, I think we were falling for each other. But maybe he did the best thing for both of us (the first time). I just don't do well with being disrespected. Heaven help the men who tries to f*ck me over. Not that I would DO anything at all---just good luck ever talking to me again is what I mean. HA! Such big talk! He's the first man to ever pull this on me and look at me!!!! I can't let it gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I think it's my hurt pride, partly....and part of it is that it just fascinates the hell out of me what goes on in a man's mind....so called.....LOL! And that was my situation, too...we were both falling for each other. He even spoke of marriage (wayyyyyyy too fast). When he disappeared I was devestated and everyone told me he's an ********* and all the rest, but I really believed there was more to the story, and that he has potential. As it turns out, he has some financial issues he is in the middle of taking care of and is embarrassed about. He said the other night he didn't feel "manly" being broke all the time and I said it wasn't "manly" to disappear without a trace either. I am sooooooo scared, but because I want to have been right all along, I want to give it a shot. I will know soon enough if it is going to be ok or not. Link to post Share on other sites
surfcitysiren Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I know I'm right about my guy---warts and all. Do I think we are soulmates? Honestly, no. But I still want to be his friend. I just dont' think I can be his lover. And I suspect he feels he can never be 'just' my friend, so, easier to stay away from me then allow himself to get all jacked up over a situation that is, at best, difficult, but in his mind, probably impossible..... But I still have very real feelings for him. I miss him like crazy..... Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 (edited) Och, thare, nah, missy! Doona be disrahspactin the Irish! It's right proud I am bein' Irish, meself! LOL!!!! I'm kidding. I'm very Irish, but that's beside the point! I'm an Irishwoman myself! Cheers to us! You know what MY guy can do...? Pog Mo Thoin! Unfortunately, he also hails from the Rocky Mountain area...(so he is mixed blood) Edited March 20, 2008 by Walking away Link to post Share on other sites
loveralone Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Well, I was reading through this thread, and I thought that you ladies could definately benefit from this website my friend just sent me... http://manslations.com I've been looking through the blogs, and I swear, I wish I would have read these 2 years ago when I was just starting what turned into my first real love...which is why I'm here now... Anyway, this is a blog written by a man for women who want to know why men do the things they do...or whatever. He has an interesting perspective that might be able to help shed some light on these men we've all been describing. If nothing else, it's good for a laugh! Just in case you don't want to dig through all of the blogs, here are some specific pages that sound like they might be helpful for this specific thread: The Case of the Disappearing Romantic: A Reader Request The Case of the Recovering (but sadly not yet “Recovered”) Romantic Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder? Or What? Why Can’t a Dumping Man Leave Well Enough Alone? (okay, maybe this one is more for me, but it might help some of you, too!) I hope you get a little burst of empowerment reading through these...! [url=http://manslations.com/2007/12/21/why-cant-a-dumping-man-leave-well-enough-alone/#more-173][/url] Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 well, did someone on here say her guy was British? Or was that on another thread someplace? Mine's Australian. Anyone? Anyone? LOL! haha...mine's all-American. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 thanks, loveralone...a little more light reading for tonight by a man noless! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 Hello all. I have no pearls of wisdom to contribute except to say that I too am dealing with the EXACT same behavior from someone I care about very much. I suspect depression is a factor, as well, but I simply do not know what all is going on in his mind and heart. I just wanted to put in my two cents so you all know you are not the only one who has ever experienced this. It does make it doubly hard when you care sooo much for the person and would NEVER hurt them and just want to help them through anything and everything they are feeling/dealing with but they won't LET you and respond to your genuine love by backing away completely. And of course this makes you wonder if they just played you all along or used you. But I have to say (and believe me, I'm NOT stupid--I've seen all types of men, I'm 38, been around the block and a good judge of character) that I honestly never could make myself believe this man was a player or a jerk. I know he's not. But it hurts like h*ll because I was really falling for him and I know he had strong feelings for me too...and now he's gone. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again and that's really very sad b/c I know we made each other very happy for a while. All I can do is release him and hope the best for him. He deserves happiness. But d*mn it, I miss him like crazy, you know??? Good luck sweetie.....Just give him space and try to forget about him. that's all you can do. Nailed that one on the head....and I am really trying to let go...really. Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 So he told me he had a meeting at 7 and thought he'd be done before 8. Now it's 9, still haven't heard from him. I don't even have that "i'll never hear from him again" feeling, either, but I also know that no matter what, I can't call him and ask what's up. In some sick way if he doesn't call, then at least I can stop having the anxiety of wondering when he will f it all up. My instincts have usually been right so far, and like I said I don't have that sick feeling that this is it. But maybe it is. I can only control my actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 well, did someone on here say her guy was British? Or was that on another thread someplace? Mine's Australian. Anyone? Anyone? LOL! That was me, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 he just is not that into you. and a creep to boot. I would be pissed that he was not answering a voicemail? text? email? He is trying to tell you he is not interested. He is not trying to say, wait for me while I suffer through my angst. Maybe, I don't know--but that sure as hell isn't the feeling I got when we were together. Like I said, hes not even remotely the player type. But, something is definitely f**ck*d up, whatever it may be. Just aggravating that someone who communicated before couldn't just email, leave a message, something when all I did was ask that hel let me know he was OK, so I wouldn't worry. I asked for nothing else, no crying ,no begging, no whining about how I love him. Just called as a friend. Just didn't seem like the type to pull such a trick Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 So he told me he had a meeting at 7 and thought he'd be done before 8. Now it's 9, still haven't heard from him. I don't even have that "i'll never hear from him again" feeling, either, but I also know that no matter what, I can't call him and ask what's up. In some sick way if he doesn't call, then at least I can stop having the anxiety of wondering when he will f it all up. My instincts have usually been right so far, and like I said I don't have that sick feeling that this is it. But maybe it is. I can only control my actions. It is amazing....these men have NO regard for our feelings. (And apparently no sense of time... ) How hard is it to call or text and let you know he is late? Not hard at all. Sorry you are having anxiety. I know that feeling well. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 Funny you should mention this....in addition to the feelings I suspect he may have been feeling with regard to 'us' he was ALSO dealing with PTSD--for real--from things that happened to him while he was in the service (career soldier till very recently--which has also been devastating to him). And what did I do? The worst possible thing, of course....I confronted him (twice!) about why he would just disappear right after I felt like things between us were so good or we'd just become closer...I let my feelings for him cloud my judgement and wasn't able to see past my own hurt feelings and confusion....why couldn't I see what I was dealing with? God...if I could just take it all back, you know? But then I wonder if he'd still have backed off and left me anyway. Guess I'll never know. The worst thing is all these feelings I still have for him. I wish I could just send him an email telling him I love him and I'm here for him but it wouldn't help, would make it worse, he wouldn't answer, it would hurt my pride even more and it would not fix anything. It really, really sucks. Good grief, that sounds familiar. I was the same--got wrapped in my emotions. I did back off, eventually, but it was too late. Sigh... Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) I think that you shouldn't think that you did anything to make him back away. Ok. If he suffers from PTSD, I feel bad. But that doesn't give him license to run your heart through the wringer. You didn't do anything! You were standing up for yourself. Nothing more than that. And if he couldn't handle it, it is HIS problem. In a healthy relationship, you must speak your feelings and have them be heard. NOTHING you would have said would have changed anything. And, BTW, you had EVERY right to confront him. He was acting ambivalent. And you were showing healthy self respect by standing up for yourself and your needs. It shows that you aren't too tolerant of disrespect. And he needed to know it. Edited March 21, 2008 by Walking away Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 And since I started this crazy subject, in an attempt to figure out this crazy man I have met and fell hard for, Iwill leave a final thought for others in angst. I have learned that for one, I am not the only woman left scratching her head and nursing a broken heart. And it also has occurred to me, that to those on the outside, these men are wrote off as jerks, and aren't "into you", etc. But for those of us on the inside, it isn't nearly so simple. We have looked in their eyes, and have seen so much emotion, trapped and unable to surface, repressed so deeply we can't reach it. Mine told me outright, he was very scared and had repressed his feelings. We have been close to these men in our unique ways, and many of us who were let into their world, even if for a short while will say, these men really are good guys, but they have some BAD issues THEY need to deal with, due to the unique circumstances they have been through. I can honestly say, I love him, but I am scared sh*tless of him now--so yeah, its possible to love someone but be scared and stay away from them for whatever reasons, as I am proof of. And I can further say, it will be real hard for the next man (or HIM) in my life to get to my heart. So yeah, those who have been betrayed/burned have a tendency to guard themselves closely, and to run from love, because it is so scary to us. It really depends on the man/woman, and maybe we need to step back and listen to our gut feelings, on whether to stay or go, whether he really is a user or not. When your head and heart fail you, try your intuition and see where that gets you. Mine says, he and I needed to be apart, if not forever, until he is truly healed from his past hurts. If I made an impact on his heart, the way he did mine, he might think to find me. I might be available, i might not. Que sera, sera, right?? That knowledge won't make me stop missing or loving him, I guess only time will cure that problem. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 that expresses it pretty closely for me too, lovebites. i wrote about that in the one topic i started called Let you down easy...thanks. *hugs ya Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Damn...I haven't looked at this thread since last night! Whew! The hardest part for me right now is giving up the hope of hearing from him again. How do you let go when you love someone like that? I haven't seen him since July. He hasn't spoken to me since August. I have to assume at this point that he has no intention of ever contacting me again. How much longer will I live in fear of running into him? Ugh. This sucks so much. I hope someday I can stop loving him. Oh, and he's American. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Damn...I haven't looked at this thread since last night! Whew! The hardest part for me right now is giving up the hope of hearing from him again. How do you let go when you love someone like that? I haven't seen him since July. He hasn't spoken to me since August. I have to assume at this point that he has no intention of ever contacting me again. How much longer will I live in fear of running into him? Ugh. This sucks so much. I hope someday I can stop loving him. Oh, and he's American. you never give up hope or stop loving, sedg. you don't have to. but it does get easier to deal with and the way you look at it will change..slowly it'll become less raw and more wistful and sometimes you'll even smile when you think about it. as for the fear...just remember that as with most fears, the dwelling on it is going to turn out to be far worse than the reality of it. what's the absolute worst that can happen if you do? what could be worse than what you're already putting yourself through? i swear that writing down all my thoughts to him and tying the paper to a white balloon and letting it go helped me just a little.... Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 And since I started this crazy subject, in an attempt to figure out this crazy man I have met and fell hard for, Iwill leave a final thought for others in angst. I have learned that for one, I am not the only woman left scratching her head and nursing a broken heart. And it also has occurred to me, that to those on the outside, these men are wrote off as jerks, and aren't "into you", etc. But for those of us on the inside, it isn't nearly so simple. We have looked in their eyes, and have seen so much emotion, trapped and unable to surface, repressed so deeply we can't reach it. Mine told me outright, he was very scared and had repressed his feelings. We have been close to these men in our unique ways, and many of us who were let into their world, even if for a short while will say, these men really are good guys, but they have some BAD issues THEY need to deal with, due to the unique circumstances they have been through. I can honestly say, I love him, but I am scared sh*tless of him now--so yeah, its possible to love someone but be scared and stay away from them for whatever reasons, as I am proof of. And I can further say, it will be real hard for the next man (or HIM) in my life to get to my heart. So yeah, those who have been betrayed/burned have a tendency to guard themselves closely, and to run from love, because it is so scary to us. It really depends on the man/woman, and maybe we need to step back and listen to our gut feelings, on whether to stay or go, whether he really is a user or not. When your head and heart fail you, try your intuition and see where that gets you. Mine says, he and I needed to be apart, if not forever, until he is truly healed from his past hurts. If I made an impact on his heart, the way he did mine, he might think to find me. I might be available, i might not. Que sera, sera, right?? That knowledge won't make me stop missing or loving him, I guess only time will cure that problem. I couldn't agree more, even as I sit here at 11 and sorta been stood-up. I called him around 10, he was just leaving his meeting and said he'd call in 2 minutes when he got to the car, and asked if I still wanted to go out. Would he have called if I hadn't? hmmmm. Anyway, he did call, but when I answered it went directly to a missed call. I called him back and got his voicemail (i think he must have gotten another call). I called again few minutes later and he answered and said hold on. While I was holding on, the call dropped, so I called again a while later and it went to voicemail, and he hasn't called since. So wtf does that mean? Is he disappearing again? I am just ready to go to bed and call it a night. Just for the record, I never got dressed or waited, because I guess I just had a hunch something would screw up. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 ugh that really sucks, fallen. i'm so sorry. and the bad cell service doesn't help, does it? Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Get both of them: Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches. Bought them both last year and I agree, they are, hands down, the best books out there for relationships. According to the books, I am a "bitch." Yay! B&N had these two books! But they didn't have the third in the series...Why Men Are Bitches Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Luc...I don't know if I'm annoyed, disappointed, or relieved. I'm tired and gonna go to bed in a minute. I was tempted to try to call him one more time, but I'm not going to. We are supposed to have plans this weekend that he even called and confirmed yesterday. I definitely don't feel that heart-pounding OMG feeling. I only know that if he calls, he calls, and if he doesn't, well it's all his loss at this point, because I know with a very clear head that I tried EVERYthing I knew, and I won't ask for more after this. I may be jumping the gun here, but I also knew all week that I had to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I guess if it's meant to be, it will. I can't even speculate anymore, I'm just so tired. This has been going on since early January. January was the darkest month. February didn't suck as bad, and by March I was well on my way to being healed. Which, of course, is when we got back in touch, lol. I don't think I could ever go back to that dark place I was at in January, though. And I also don't think I will be able to trust another, or him, for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 i don't blame you at all. after a while you just get numb about it all and start being more realistic and accepting about the disappointments. eventually you just get flat out tired...like you said you are. then one day it all just clicks in your head and you said what the hell am i doing? another thing that comes to mind is kinda metaphysical...kinda like that expect the best but plan for the worst thing i keep doing. and if the worst happens, just let it go. for real. hard but not impossible. i honestly believe that sometimes we can actually block good things by thinking negatively. i know for a fact that my ex-husband blocked good things with his constant horrible negative attitude...so much so that the minute he finally left this house for good the very air felt cleaner and more breathable. some people just have a very strong presence that way. oh and in this case, the good things can simply mean us getting over them, or it can mean that somehow they're picking up on our "preparing for the worst" or "not expecting much" vibes and that somehow perversely gets interpreted by them as pressure or stress. ugh it's late. hope that makes some sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Yeah, it makes sense. I really do try to do positive visualization, and send out positive vibes. I never saw "The Secret" but have read a bit about it and really try, when I remember, to think positively. It's hard, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
traveller991 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Well here I am back in Cabarete. LDR lover disappeared after almost two years - last thing I heard from him was "I'll call you tomorrow darling" on January 22nd. Went to Punta Cana for a wedding he was supposed to be coming to with me. Decided why not keep my original plans and lose out on a month long vacation just because of Nick-head? I never phoned because I had a sick feeling after our month here together in December that he was losing interest although he kept phoning when I went home. During December he NEVER kissed me - we had sex once and he quit half way through. Humiliating at best. Told me he was depressed, had no interest in sex, asked doctor about Viagra but doctor said no. I did not believe one word of it for some reason - just decided I was too old, fat, ugly for him to stomach even though I had lost 30 lbs since first time we had sex which was the most incredible sex of my life. So when I was in Punta Cana I took my cell out of my purse and it rang. Only other person who has my number (it's a Dominican Cell I use down here) is my son. Display said Private. I answered, heard music and breathing, then click. Never had a wrong number down here before. Got thinking, looked at my dialed calls, and sure enuf my phone had called his 4 minutes earlier. So guess he called back to see if I was here. That was one week ago. Don't know if he knows I'm in Cabarete or thinks I went home from Puna Cana. Don't know what to do - PLEASE TELL ME NOT TO PHONE!!! Of course I want to know why he did what he did but on the other hand I don't want to hear what I don't want to hear. Very difficult now as I am in the same suite in which we spent 21 weeks in the last year. Talk about a disappearing act!!!!!! He did say if he had a rope he'd hang himself he was so depressed (in Dec.) I don't know why I don't believe him. Two nights ago my friend told me he had talked to a 13 year old girl who is the daughter of Nick's friend and she told him I am stupid and that he is only using me for money and actually has a wife!!! He did have a wife 5 years ago and this girl is not very bright, but..... How could over 50 people be lying to me? Met his friends and all family, work people, etc and all said he was madly in love with me and called me his wife when I was away so excited I was coming back in Dec etc. Anyway I digress ... my pain point here is I like Sedgewick am terrified of running into him down here, holding hands with whoever or whatever. so I stay in my hotel. Talk about nuts!!!! All I do is think and obsess - does he have someone? What did I do? should I have called back to see how he was? He was sick at the time of our last conversation. As I said I just had this sinking feeling that he had cooled off. More like frozen me out, i guess. even tho no sex and no kssing etc he actually said in Dec "when we're married" wtf????????? Re: I personally have never been the type to be drawn to jerks or players so this was a new one for me--but I deserved exactly what I got for engaging in an EA to start with...and a LD one on top of that---and YES I knew it was STUPID/wrong/impossible/doomed from the beginning, so one would naturally question my sanity---I've questioned it myself to be honest. So I've gotten EXACTLY what I deserve and don't expect empathy from anyone. But I was just looking for a friend when it started...not a lover. That it turned into that is regrettable now that my heart is shredded but I've brought it on myself. This is EXACTLY what happend to me. He pursued me relentlessly until I gave in and now here I am. Re obsessing _ I think we do it to keep ourselves in the relationship because we are afraid of what lies ahead without them. I did this when my daughter died and here' s how it went. I started drinking wine and playing the same two songs over and over again that were playing the day she died. I did not want to forget ONE THING about her because all I had were memories and if I forgot one tiny thing she would really be dead in all ways. So I re-lived her life moment by moment, over and over again so as to keep her with me. I know this behaviour is self destructive but that's what I am doing again now. I keep thinking about him and everything we did because if I stop thinking about him he will REALLY BE GONE. This way I can keep him with me, hearing his voice, seeing his smile, etc etc because I am scared &**-less that if I forget there will be nothing but a big black void awaiting me. Rambling I know but I am so tormented here I want to take a machete and cut the part of my brain that is screaming NICK right out of me. The worst part is imaging his mouth on someone else, whispering in her ear in Spanish, saying all the things to her he said to me and never giving me a thought. WHY OH WHY did I EVER give in to him? I was at peace, I was happy, now I am in self imposed torment again. Please someone could you give a few words of something to me? Feeling very lost at the moment with no friends or family around. Traveller Link to post Share on other sites
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