Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[Far Behind]

Traveller, we are all in this boat together it seems. All of us have felt the sting of emotionally unavailable men who claim they love us and then, as someone said above, toy with us like cats do w/ mice. I am caught up in the middle of my own personal anguish, and I feel yours, I really do. I wish I had some words to offer you other than the obvious ones that it does get better. Mine disappeared and then we went out on Monday, had plans for last night that didn't work out and after a little phone tag last night I haven't heard from him. He is on line right now, though at work, and I said hey to him in an IM, and he did not reply. Again, he is at work and could be busy or away from his computer. But that old panic feeling is coming on again and I hate it. I only know I can only control what I do and how I feel, and you must do the same. Do not be a prisoner in your hotel room if you can help it. I am sorry you are going through this alone.

[sedgwick]

Traveller, I just want you to know I did read all that, and I understand exactly how you feel. Everything seems so perfect, they're amazing, they treat you like a goddess, and then one day they just vanish. It's such a terrible feeling. I am right there with you.

 

It's so hard, but I think maybe I'm starting to get better. I still miss him terribly, but I'm feeling okay today. It's the first day of spring, which means I survived winter without him. I got through every one of those cold nights by myself. Soon it will be warm enough to ride my bike again, and I'm looking forward to that. The next time the seasons change it will have been a year since he dumped me, and then I'll really feel like I've accomplished something.

 

It really is a day at a time right now.

[sedona]

Wow! Haven't read this thread for a while and look at what I find! Ok. get this... Saw him on Thursday, we had a great time, but I was careful not to mention anything personal. On Friday, however, I just had to. Things are really hard for me now. Really hard. Depression-type hard. I've never experienced anything like this. I need to be able to share things like this with my friends, and certainly with my bf. And I told him that I need his help.

 

So his way of helping is to withdraw entirely from my life so that I can concentrate on myself and getting better.

 

The thing is, he's right. I can't get better until he's really gone. But it's killing me. And you know what? It didn't seem to bother him all that much. He told me about a woman he had seen on TV who was diagnosed with cancer and was talking about how she coped with that. In other words, I just need to get some perspective. Pull myself together is what he told me. And that it wouldn't take me long to get over him. Obviously, he has no clue - just because he's already over me and it was painless for him. He's just left feeling a bit puzzled because he can't figure out why he stopped loving me.

 

I can only hope that I met him for a reason. That this horrible thing that happened to me will help me grow - simply by forcing me to learn about myself. I have to do something. I am terrified of going through this again and again. Of meeting the same type of person and reliving the same pattern. I just wish I knew how to start. How to get over this. How to mature and become a stronger me. And how long it will take.

 

A few thoughts:

 

 

Hang in there. It has always been my experience they always come back when you least expect it.

 

I have never ever have had this happen to me. It's not going to happen this time either. Even though I have my stupid hopes. I hope that he gets over his mental block, that he'll really work with himself and that he'll call me. I hope to one day be able to start afresh. And what's worse... I wrote him an email and told him stuff like that...and I sent the thing. Stupid. That, mind you, was after a long conversation where I just had to hug him one last time. Ok, several times. He "obliged," but I know he felt uncomfortable.

 

But for those of us on the inside, it isn't nearly so simple. We have looked in their eyes, and have seen so much emotion, trapped and unable to surface, repressed so deeply we can't reach it. Mine told me outright, he was very scared and had repressed his feelings. We have been close to these men in our unique ways, and many of us who were let into their world, even if for a short while will say, these men really are good guys, but they have some BAD issues THEY need to deal with, due to the unique circumstances they have been through.

 

YES! So true. If a friend of mine had met this guy and been through these things, then it would be so easy for me to tell her to get far away from him and never let him near again. but it's so hard for me "on the inside". Plus all the confiding in me. His issues, which he doesn't discuss with anyone. He'll never work his way through them alone.

 

I would never, ever break up with someone like that. I cannot imagine being that cruel. I wonder all the time: do they know how much they hurt us? Do they care?

 

No, I don't think they know. At least mine doesn't. He was surprised to hear how much this is effecting me. Again, he told me just to pull myself together. Of course I know there are worse things in life. But this just makes me feel worse. Think about it. Some people contract cancer and still manage to see the bright side of things. My bf breaks up with me and I'm crushed. How pathetic is that.

 

 

He is aware. But, he has a mental block. He cannot get beyond his fear.

 

And fear is what I think we are dealing with.

 

Mental block. Exactly the words of my ex. Impenetrable. And he doesn't know why.

 

The worst thing is all these feelings I still have for him. I wish I could just send him an email telling him I love him and I'm here for him but it wouldn't help, would make it worse, he wouldn't answer, it would hurt my pride even more and it would not fix anything. It really, really sucks.

 

Wise words here. But I sent the email. I knew he wouldn't answer. I knew that nothing could help. And I hope to get over him so that if he ever does call me, then I won't even be tempted. But I sent it anyway.

 

I think these men are about as common as field mice!

 

Where the heck did they all come from?

 

Mine's from Norway. They should come with labels.

 

How can one tell the difference between a normal man who's really falling in love with you and a commitmentphobic man who convinces both himself and you that he's in love, and then just changes his mind? Does anyone have a good answer to that?

[Walking away]

With me, I didn't see it coming the first time with my guy. (yes, he came back after four months of no contact, and stupidly and naively I let him back in my life) He even said to me before we met (we talked on the phone for two solid months before meeting) that this could be his last first kiss.

 

What a joke.

 

And when we met, it was incredible. He agrees. Even today, though we are no longer together, he would still agree that we were amazing together everytime we saw each other.

 

He also said that if we were in the same state, it would be a no brainer. We would be together. Nope, don't think so.

 

He would just come up with some other bull**** reason for distancing. I'm not that stupid.

 

Can you tell the difference between this type and the normal man? I don't know. I took things really, really slow and I still ended up with a commitmentphobe.

 

But, I am not going to waste anymore time trying to understand him. He just is too damaged for my taste. And I know that every woman he meets will run into the same problem. I am just amazed that we lasted for a year being long distance and all. Perhaps it was the distance that kept us together. He says no. It is too difficult for him being far away from me. And that's his story and he's sticking to it. And, oh yeah, he said that I am geographically undesirable and unavailable. Funny....he knew that when he entered into my life and he knew that when he returned after four months.

 

Whatever.

 

Me thinks that he hasn't gotten a clue what his problem is. And, for once, that would be something that we agree on.

 

The man of my life will move mountains to be with me; not put them up.

 

Peace.

 

WA

Edited March 22, 2008 by Walking away

[sedona]

But, I am not going to waste anymore time trying to understand him. He just is too damaged for my taste. And I know that every woman he meets will run into the same problem. I am just amazed that we lasted for a year being long distance and all. Perhaps it was the distance that kept us together. He says no. It is too difficult for him being far away from me. And that's his story and he's sticking to it. And, oh yeah, he said that I am geographically undesirable and unavailable. Funny....he knew that when he entered into my life and he knew that when he returned after four months.

 

 

WA

That complaint about the distance. Complaining about something that's pretty intrinsic which they knew about before the relationship began. Typical commmitphobic behaviour. My ex said that he always felt that our relationship was an LDR. It takes 20 minutes to drive from his house to mine. But then he said that he also felt the same way about his last gf, and she lived 5 minutes away.

 

I think he'll run into the same problem with the next woman he meets. Wonder if i'm just trying to flatter/console myself. Still, I can really picture him sitting alone his house as an old man. Not upset, not lonely. Just alone.

[Walking away]

I have no doubt that mine will be a lonely old man.

 

And it's no one's fault but his own.

 

I don't feel sorry for him. He hurt me and it is time for me to self-protect. He surely won't protect me.

 

His loss....

 

but he already knows that. He knew that when he returned and he will realize it in the future when I am long gone.

 

What a sad, pathetic human being.

[sedona]

Lucky you. I wish that I were angry with mine and that I didn't feel sorry for what could have been. What a fantasy world I made up for myself. i have to admit that he helped me make it, but still...

[sedgwick]

My ex said that he always felt that our relationship was an LDR. It takes 20 minutes to drive from his house to mine. But then he said that he also felt the same way about his last gf, and she lived 5 minutes away.

 

Are you serious? What would be his version of a local relationship? A Siamese twin?

[Walking away]

I was where you were, Sedona. Believe me, I was wringing my hands wondering how we had become such star crossed lovers.....

 

But, then I realized after reading lots and lots of books on commitmentphobia that there was NOTHING I could have done to change the outcome.

 

In my situation, there is no hope. There never was if I actually think about it.

 

To think that somehow I would be able to get through his 40 years of emotional damage is just astounding now. I can't fix him. No one can. Only HE can fix himself.

 

Even his shrink told him that he doesn't know that there is any hope for him. (And, THAT, my friends, speaks volumes.)

 

But, there is something called respect and common decency. That is something that every human being with a soul has.

 

And he didn't show it to me. He is unreliable, unpredictable, and self absorbed. And he surely didn't take my feelings into consideration when he decided to not call, not respond to me and ignore me in the rare times I needed him. In this relationship I was in, it was all about HIM.

 

Not a good match for me, that's for sure.

 

Hang in there. When you look back at how he treated you, anger will surface. And that is the beginning of healing. You will start to feel indignant. You will say to yourself, "How dare he..?"

 

That, I believe, is the beginning of getting your self back. Indignance is the beginning of freedom.

 

Hang tough..

 

Love yourself enough to realize that you deserve so much better. (And I know that you already do....just reiterating it. )

Edited March 22, 2008 by Walking away

[sedona]

Are you serious? What would be his version of a local relationship? A Siamese twin?

Yup. Serious. He feels that it's not a real relationship until the 2 people live together. And surprise, surprise -- he says that he's never quite been able to figure out what to do in that period after he meets a girl but before they move together.

[LuCidiTy]

sounds like a lazy man to me.

[LuCidiTy]

i'm sitting here deciding whether i should go on a date tonight with a man who's been asking me for four years. he's sitting there wondering if i'll come and being very patient. we're both cluelss. ha.

 

p.s. why the helll did i type this HERE? sorry all.

[Walking away]

Go!

 

Out with the old and in with the new!

[LuCidiTy]

yeah i'm thinking so...at the very least it will be FUN!

[Walking away]

Yes your heart still hurts. I know.

 

But, being with someone who WANTS to be with you can be incredibly self esteem building.

 

Just be careful not to hurt this man.

 

P.S. An ex from my past (who has remained a friend in the three years since we have parted as partners) is coming here tonight. We are karaoking with my friends and tomorrow he is spending Easter with me and my kids.

 

See...? There ARE good guys out there.

[LuCidiTy]

yeah...it still hurts lots. but there's not a thing that's going to really change that.

 

not hurting him is something that ran through my mind too, so i spilled and he knows where i am with all that's been going on in my life and i with his, and i've been clear about how "bitchy" i'm feeling and he still wants to go out "on a real date" and have some fun, so...what the heck!

 

hmmm...an ex with the past coming back as a friend can be just the perfect thing...someone who knows you well, warts n all, and still wants to be there for you. that's kinda adult and very cool.

[Walking away]

Yep, we have been friends ever since we broke up. (But, we did have a three month break right after to get to the friend stage...)

 

I only like him as a friend now, as does he with me, but we are kinda like Harry and Sally.

 

And my kids and friends LOVE him. He is a cool guy.

[LuCidiTy]

Utoh. What happened to Harry and Sally? I forget! LOL

[Walking away]

Oh God!

 

This is REAL life, sweetie...

 

No wedding cake with sauce on the side....

[LuCidiTy]

hahaha...you're right!

 

it was wonderfully decadent to sleep in late today, but i better get moving before i change my mind about this...thanks for listening and have a wonderful weekend.

[Walking away]

Right back atcha!

 

Enjoy the weekend.

[sedona]

I was where you were, Sedona. Believe me, I was wringing my hands wondering how we had become such star crossed lovers.....

 

But, then I realized after reading lots and lots of books on commitmentphobia that there was NOTHING I could have done to change the outcome.

 

In my situation, there is no hope. There never was if I actually think about it.

 

To think that somehow I would be able to get through his 40 years of emotional damage is just astounding now. I can't fix him. No one can. Only HE can fix himself.

 

)

I've read those books too. And figured out that I can only help myself. If he wants to change, then he has to do it himself. Even so, I'm stuck, wondering how he can possibly drop me like he has. Why he can't see that this relationship had such potential. I guess I'll get over that and start resenting him for being such a cad. Better still is if I come to feel nothing special about him -- not love, not anger.

 

Boy, that'll take some doing. Lots of time. And then I wonder how I can avoid falling into the same trap in the future. When someone says he loves me and shows me he loves me, when do I start believing in him? How can I possibly know that he won't be saying different things after a week or month? How to trust?

[Walking away]

I feel the same way.

 

My radar is off. And in the books, it tells you that we, too, have commitment issues.

 

Makes for a scary, scary situation.

 

I think I am best alone. And I am headed to a therapist to keep my head screwed on straight next week. I want HEALTH. I am sick of dysfunction...

 

But, the trust thing...?

 

I have no clue.

 

When you don't see it coming, it's hard to predict, huh?

[sedona]

I feel the same way.

 

My radar is off. And in the books, it tells you that we, too, have commitment issues.

 

Makes for a scary, scary situation.

 

Yup, I've thought about that too. Do I want to be with him so much just because he's unreachable and I know that it'll never happen? And I've thought a lot about my previous relationships and can see the same sort of pattern. I think I've been on both sides of the commitmentphobic scale, active and passive. On the whole, it's a lot worse to be the passive one! Much more painful. But maybe this'll be my catalyst to change. A long road ahead.

[Walking away]

Sedona,

 

I am with you. The last AWESOME man that I dated said that he thought I was the most commitmentphobic woman he had ever met. He said he had those tendencies, too, so he thought he could handle me.

 

I dumped him. Why? I have no idea. Honestly, I don't. Everyone loved him. He sent me flowers all the time at work, fed my entire department at the hospital by catering in food by surprise, sent cards, flew me everywhere to see him, treated me and my kids like gold, prepared gourmet meals for my family when he came to visit me....

 

This man has integrity, a great job, great kids (I met them and his parents and they loved me too), a great house, etc. etc. etc.

 

Yet, I couldn't close the deal.

 

Active commitmentphobia....that's what it was. And I recognized it. And I tried to stop it, but as I pulled away, he clung tighter until I felt smothered. And, that, my friends, was when it was all over for me.

 

And I broke his heart.

 

But, I understand both spectrums of the commitmentphobe scale. I, too, have been on both sides. And the passive side does suck.

 

I have issues. And I am going into therapy to fix them. I refuse to hurt another man or be hurt by another man until I am healthy emotionally.

 

This messed up relationship I am currently extricating myself was the last straw. Reality has hit me right between the eyes. I need to figure this thing out.

 

Alone.