Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[mistie03]

It is called the Houdini Syndrome. I read it in "Men Who Can't Love".

 

When you are healed, he will return.

 

Mine did. Four months later....

 

And, here we are again.

 

But, you hurt me once....shame, shame on you.

You hurt me twice....shame, shame on me.

 

There will not be a third reappearance with me.

 

But, prepare.

 

I never in a million years expected to hear from my guy again. But, he came back full force with explanations for his behavior.

 

And now, 5 months later, we are dealing with the same issues.

 

Crazy...

I read that book. I felt like I was reading about my ex-bf when I read it.

 

He was a Houdini. He disappeared at least 3 times a year. I would always feel so much pain when he was gone. One time he disappeared for 2 weeks. For those 2 weeks, I couldn't eat, sleep or do anything but think about him. I thought that if he would just come back, the pain would be gone. This went on for 7 years!!!

 

I always thought that the relationship would move forward. It never did. It wasn't like I wanted to get married or anything. I was fine with just dating. He would buy me beautiful gifts for special occasions and do work around my house. We had wonderful weekends together and laid in bed and talked and made love. Then, for no apparent reason, he would be Houdini again! Uggh!

 

I was so crazy about him that I could feel electricity when I touched him. I loved to bury my face in his chest. I loved the very smell of him.

 

This past Christmas, he disappeared again. He didn't even call me on Christmas Day. I was crushed. When I told him how hurt I was, he turned cold as ice. I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I stopped taking his calls. I had to accept that he was never going to love me the way I wanted. I let him go. It's been 2 months, and he hasn't tried to contact me once. I guess he's out breaking someone else's heart now.

 

He is a beautiful man. Even after being with him for 7 years, the sound of his voice still made my heart speed up a little. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I accept it now.

 

Men like that are damn hard to understand. The book, "Men Who Can't Love" helped me let go.

[sedona]

OK Walking Away,

It looks like we're in the same boat. I'm trying to do the same thing.

 

Keep posting here, please. I'd like to hear how you progress.

 

And if you just happen to come across the magic solution, then please share that too!

[Walking away]

Sedona,

 

You keep posting too. When you hit 100 posts, you can PM me.

 

I am sure we have alot in common.

 

The magic solution...? I thought recognizing and being cognizant of my issues and potential partners' of mine, I thought I could handle things. And for the most part, I have been....as long as I stay unattached and distant myself.

 

Turns out I have met probably one of the most unsalvageable commitmentphobes in the West. Which says alot about my issues. Simple phobes are no problem in my life. The hard nosed, totally f*cked up ones are the ones that align with me.

 

Let's see: #1 Nightmare: The married minister (of all people) who lied about being married and living with his wife and four kids

#2 Nightmare: Mr. Current Nightmare whom has more mental health issues than I have ever seen in my life. This one makes the married minister look like a dream.

 

Lucky, lucky me.

 

I wish us both luck in changing our patterns.

Edited March 23, 2008 by Walking away

[Far Behind]

Sedona and Walking Away...I just lost a long post to both of you saying I felt I was right there in that same boat with you. I don't even remember what all I said now, darn it, but something along the lines of feeling like I had come to peace with what has happened because even if he did contact me now, i would tell him to go away, for a minimum of 3 months, and then IF he grows up we can see if there is anything else to talk about, that is assuming I would be available at that time, and if the words he spoke and wrote so beautifully were actually truth. I honestly don't believe that mine set out to intentionally hurt me, thought that was the outcome. He is just a flawed, flawed coward of a man (and I use that word hesitantly). I guess I need to do a little reading this Spring Break.

[Walking away]

Sedona and Walking Away...I just lost a long post to both of you saying I felt I was right there in that same boat with you. I don't even remember what all I said now, darn it, but something along the lines of feeling like I had come to peace with what has happened because even if he did contact me now, i would tell him to go away, for a minimum of 3 months, and then IF he grows up we can see if there is anything else to talk about, that is assuming I would be available at that time, and if the words he spoke and wrote so beautifully were actually truth. I honestly don't believe that mine set out to intentionally hurt me, thought that was the outcome. He is just a flawed, flawed coward of a man (and I use that word hesitantly). I guess I need to do a little reading this Spring Break.

 

 

Read, read, read....

 

With knowledge comes power....

 

And with power comes an ability to see things clearly, no matter who painful they may be....

 

Don't romanticize about him. This is not the stuff of fairytales, as you know. This is a nightmare....

 

Keep Walking away. You are on the right track.

 

Peace will be your guide.

 

WA

[Far Behind]

Of all the books you've read on the topic, which would you recommend first? I am on break all week and would love to go to B&N tomorrow and pick something up.

[Walking away]

He's Scared, She's Scared

Men Who Can't Love

 

Both written by the same authors, Steven Carter and Julia Sokol

 

Enjoy...

 

[sedgwick]

Walking Away, were you in love with the guy you dumped? Were you attracted to him? The one who was really good to you?

 

I was an amazing gf to the guy who dumped me. But he ran anyway, and I've spent months trying to figure out if it was because he just wasn't into me. He could have fooled me, but maybe I was just being stupid.

 

Did you walk away from the good guy because he was boring or unattractive to you? I've never done anything like this (I am almost always the one who gets dumped), so I don't understand it. I've never been afraid of commitment. I made the mistake of getting married too young, before I was ready for the commitment, but I wasn't afraid of it. I meet so few people I really like that when I find one, I cherish him. Or her. Or whatever.

 

And you didn't want him back after you left him? You never thought you might have made a mistake? Or did you just decide your life would be better and happier without him in it and have no trouble letting him go?

 

The last part is what truly keeps me from contacting my ex. I know he took an inventory of his life and decided I was the expendable person. He decided his world would be a better, richer, happier place if he stopped speaking to me and pretended he never knew me. Or that's what I assume to be the case, anyway. I don't want to annoy him by contacting him and making him think about me when he has no use for me, when in his mind I'm just worthless.

 

I guess I just need to know that maybe, maybe that's not how he feels. Is that how you felt about your ex, that he was just worthless and you wouldn't miss him if you let him go? Why weren't all the good things about him enough? Did you just feel that he wasn't good enough for you?

Edited March 23, 2008 by sedgwick

[sedona]

 

The magic solution...? I thought recognizing and being cognizant of my issues and potential partners' of mine, I thought I could handle things. And for the most part, I have been....as long as I stay unattached and distant myself.

 

Let's see: #1 Nightmare: The married minister (of all people) who lied about being married and living with his wife and four kids

#2 Nightmare: Mr. Current Nightmare whom has more mental health issues than I have ever seen in my life. This one makes the married minister look like a dream.

 

My ex isn't anything like that. Single, talkative, smart, handsome, always willling to help others, good sense of humor, you can see in his eyes that he's a nice guy. Last year when I met him, he was actively looking for someone to share his life with. Then when he runs into a real possibility, he shuts down and withdraws, leaving me hanging. He says that he's no longer where he was last year. He says that this isn't about me at all -- I'm amazing and fantastic, but no thanks.

 

As for being aware... I am aware of what went wrong, but it isn't helping me recover. Even though I think I know why he did a 180, I still can't truly comprehend with my soul.

 

Sorry, I'm having a bad morning. I want this to be over and it's just starting.

 

I honestly don't believe that mine set out to intentionally hurt me, thought that was the outcome. He is just a flawed, flawed coward of a man (and I use that word hesitantly).

 

I believe that mine didn't mean to hurt me either. I believe that he never lied to me. I just can't get past how he could feel so strongly about me and then just give it all up. How the feelings could just disappear. He might think that it's odd not to have any contact with me, whereas I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. So unfair. He did this -- he should be the one who suffers, not me.

 

When I tell him that I need his help, then he vanishes. He doesn't want to HAVE to call me and talk to me so that I feel better. And I of course don't want him to feel obliged to call me -- I want him to want to be with me, and he just doesn't get it because he is so not in the same place as me. He said that if I had been fine with taking things slowly, then he could still have contact with me, but if I'm really in as much pain as I describe, then he can't play a part in prolonging it. I had to tell him the truth about what I'm going through, and I knew that this would be his reaction. I provoked this because intellectually I know it's the best thing, but I still long to talk to him.

 

Today is Day 2, of infinity.

 

Yup. A bad morning. How can he just drop me, perhaps with an occasional thought of puzzlement as to what went wrong when I sit here a complete mess, obsessing about how we got to this point??? Oh yes, I really want this to be over!!

 

Of all the books you've read on the topic, which would you recommend first? I am on break all week and would love to go to B&N tomorrow and pick something up.

He's Scared, She's Scared. Easy read and gives a good overall view of the problem. I lent it to my ex. I know he started reading it, but don't know far he got.

[sedona]

Read, read, read....

 

With knowledge comes power....

 

And with power comes an ability to see things clearly, no matter who painful they may be....

 

Don't romanticize about him. This is not the stuff of fairytales, as you know. This is a nightmare....

 

Keep Walking away. You are on the right track.

 

Peace will be your guide.

 

WA

One more thing Walking Away,

You helped me get through last night without being incredibly sad.

Thanks.

 

If I can only get my thoughts to walk away from him, then I hope to feel peace.

[traveller991]

Hello all:

 

I see a common thread here in your thinking - which is that many of you are assuming that your man is commitment-phobic. I think in some cases they are just commitment-phobic to US. My guy also disappeared without a word two months ago after saying I'll call you tomorrow, darling.

 

He is definitely not commitment-phobic as he was married for 7 years but something obviously happened to us, I don't know what and it drives me crazy wondering. But if he could drop me like that after two years I suppose I'm better off.

 

In my experience some men use the commitment issue as an excuse as it is a catchy sort of thing to be these days, sort of like having a dreaded disease that no one can argue with. Instead of having to explain it all, they just say they can't commit and who can argue with that?

 

It's also easier for friends to put that label on our men. Oh, obviously, he's commitment-phobic. End of story. Quit driving us crazy with your obsessing. Just stick the label on the guy's forehead and we can all go out and not talk about it, sort of thing.

 

Some men like this aren't commitment-phobic at all, it's just a handy label to trot out when you don't want the relationship any more and don't want to argue about it. Like when men say it's not you it's me what they really mean is, it's you.

[mishy]

Hello all:

 

I see a common thread here in your thinking - which is that many of you are assuming that your man is commitment-phobic. I think in some cases they are just commitment-phobic to US. My guy also disappeared without a word two months ago after saying I'll call you tomorrow, darling.

 

He is definitely not commitment-phobic as he was married for 7 years but something obviously happened to us, I don't know what and it drives me crazy wondering. But if he could drop me like that after two years I suppose I'm better off.

 

In my experience some men use the commitment issue as an excuse as it is a catchy sort of thing to be these days, sort of like having a dreaded disease that no one can argue with. Instead of having to explain it all, they just say they can't commit and who can argue with that?

 

It's also easier for friends to put that label on our men. Oh, obviously, he's commitment-phobic. End of story. Quit driving us crazy with your obsessing. Just stick the label on the guy's forehead and we can all go out and not talk about it, sort of thing.

 

Some men like this aren't commitment-phobic at all, it's just a handy label to trot out when you don't want the relationship any more and don't want to argue about it. Like when men say it's not you it's me what they really mean is, it's you.

 

Oh this is so so so true.Its just an excuse for laziness and cowardice. Slapping the commitmentphobe label on a guy is too easy, and gets too many men off the hook. And they know it, and use it.

[sedona]

Hello all:

 

In my experience some men use the commitment issue as an excuse as it is a catchy sort of thing to be these days, sort of like having a dreaded disease that no one can argue with. Instead of having to explain it all, they just say they can't commit and who can argue with that?

 

It's also easier for friends to put that label on our men. Oh, obviously, he's commitment-phobic. End of story. Quit driving us crazy with your obsessing. Just stick the label on the guy's forehead and we can all go out and not talk about it, sort of thing.

 

Some men like this aren't commitment-phobic at all, it's just a handy label to trot out when you don't want the relationship any more and don't want to argue about it. Like when men say it's not you it's me what they really mean is, it's you.

 

Yes, of course. That's what I thought at first- that there was something about me that he had discovered that just wasn't right. I'd never heard of or even imagined commitmentphobia. He never said anything about a fear of commitment either - he still doesn't.

 

What he said is that he had a mental block which he just couldn't explain or get over. He said and still says that he enjoyed being with me, liked everything about me, respected me, etc. He says that he doesn't understand why he can't reach out to me when he's even lived with women who aren't as good for him as I am.

 

In the past, he told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever -- that is something he stopped saying!

 

I was the one who searched for answers and came across the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". When I read it, then things fell into place. Not everything fits us, of course, but enough to make me believe that this was our problem. I never thought that I'd be able to open a book and see myself, but there it was. That's when I really started to worry, because this problem just doesn't go away. It's not insurmountable, but you really have to work on it. My ex is satisfied with his life. He enjoys being alone, and although he gets the occasional pang of wanting to be with someone (like when he met me), in the end he just can't do it.

 

Of course nobody wants to commit to a relationship that's wrong, but there was nothing wrong with us. He just stopped. This man is not lying to me. He's not cheating on me or interested in someone else. He likes me and trusts me. He just doesn't love me anymore and can't help me. His feelings have melted away, even though he wanted to get those feelings of intimacy back.

 

I want to believe that what we had together could be a wake-up call for him, but I don't think it was powerful enough to make a difference. After all, he told me that it won't take long to get over him. He has no clue what this relationship meant for me if he can say something like that.

[Walking away]

Walking Away, were you in love with the guy you dumped? Were you attracted to him? The one who was really good to you?

 

I was an amazing gf to the guy who dumped me. But he ran anyway, and I've spent months trying to figure out if it was because he just wasn't into me. He could have fooled me, but maybe I was just being stupid.

 

Did you walk away from the good guy because he was boring or unattractive to you? I've never done anything like this (I am almost always the one who gets dumped), so I don't understand it. I've never been afraid of commitment. I made the mistake of getting married too young, before I was ready for the commitment, but I wasn't afraid of it. I meet so few people I really like that when I find one, I cherish him. Or her. Or whatever.

 

And you didn't want him back after you left him? You never thought you might have made a mistake? Or did you just decide your life would be better and happier without him in it and have no trouble letting him go?

 

The last part is what truly keeps me from contacting my ex. I know he took an inventory of his life and decided I was the expendable person. He decided his world would be a better, richer, happier place if he stopped speaking to me and pretended he never knew me. Or that's what I assume to be the case, anyway. I don't want to annoy him by contacting him and making him think about me when he has no use for me, when in his mind I'm just worthless.

 

I guess I just need to know that maybe, maybe that's not how he feels. Is that how you felt about your ex, that he was just worthless and you wouldn't miss him if you let him go? Why weren't all the good things about him enough? Did you just feel that he wasn't good enough for you?

 

Was I in the love with the guy I dumped? Sort of. I fell in love with his kindness and his character. And, to make matters even more confusing....we didn't have intercourse but we did everything but. And, he was, hands down, the best lover I had ever had. So, it looked to me that we were compatible in all areas.

 

But, as he grew clingy (texting all the time and calling several times a day), I found myself looking for things to pick apart. And I warned him that he was smothering me. Looking back, he wasn't. He was trying to maintain the relationship because we were long distance. I mean, really. How can you smother someone from another state? But, that's how I perceived it.

 

I agonized for days before I let him go. I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want to make a mistake. He was so good to me. And I certainly didn't want him out of my life. I just wanted to see what else was out there.

 

And, in popped Mr. Ambivalent again, just at the right time. So, I let Mr. Wonderful go.

 

I didn't disappear. I told him I needed time to myself. I told him I wanted to stay friends.

 

And we are. We talk occasionally. But, he is uncomfortable when we talk, so I talk to him maybe once a month now.

 

He is not expendable. We talked in length about my issues and he knows that it wasn't him, it truly WAS me. How cliche, huh?

 

But, I adore him. I still do. I just feel claustrophobic when I think about trying again with him.

 

Do I regret leaving him? You betcha.

 

But, I am not going to hurt him again and mix him into my ambivalent behavior, so I leave him alone.

 

Mr. Wonderful was good to me. I never saw him nor see him now as less than me. He didn't deserve what I did to him. He did nothing wrong.

 

It was MY lopsided glasses that perceived his behavior as being over the top.

 

He holds no blame in my heart or head. He was wonderful.

[Walking away]

One more thing Walking Away,

You helped me get through last night without being incredibly sad.

Thanks.

 

If I can only get my thoughts to walk away from him, then I hope to feel peace.

 

 

I hate when anyone is sad.

 

It is so hard.

 

Peace to you, my friend...

 

WA

[Walking away]

I hate when anyone is sad.

 

It is so hard.

 

Peace to you, my friend...

 

WA

 

My guy....

 

called last night.

 

I let it keep ringing....

 

As I said before:

 

I'm done.

[Far Behind]

My guy....

 

called last night.

 

I let it keep ringing....

 

As I said before:

 

I'm done.

 

 

Good for you...that could not have been easy!

[Walking away]

Where I am right now....

 

It wasn't hard at all.

 

He had his chance with me and he blew it.

 

Unfortunately for him, you don't miss the water until the well is dry...

 

Oh well....

[Far Behind]

Where I am right now....

 

It wasn't hard at all.

 

He had his chance with me and he blew it.

 

Unfortunately for him, you don't miss the water until the well is dry...

 

Oh well....

 

I wish mine would take a flying leap into a dry well!

[Walking away]

I know you do.

 

Brush him off.

 

Truly, he is a flake. And even though you care about him, you deserve better.

[sedgwick]

My guy also disappeared without a word two months ago after saying I'll call you tomorrow, darling.

 

Traveller, do you know that he's okay? Do you know that something really bad didn't happen to him?

[LuCidiTy]

My guy....

 

called last night.

 

I let it keep ringing....

 

As I said before:

 

I'm done.

 

big hugs...

[LuCidiTy]

i went on that date yesterday. long story short, we went to dinner, had a fun time, just laughed, listened to the band, talked of nothing at all serious. i was my goofy old self.

 

at the end of the evening, he wouldn't leave (i tried to say g'night three times or maybe four) and then he finally grabbed me, kissed me, and literally ran away! i said to myself, well finally! thought he'd never go.

 

but then...and this is the weird part...he texted me an hour later saying exactly the same words my ex said to me on our last call..."sorry i ran away, don't be mad, it has nothing to do with you. you're great." surreal. i stared at the text then just shook my head and said what on earth? hmmm...maybe it is me not. i perceived nothing of the sort...didn't give it a moment's thought in fact.

 

well he won't be getting a reply. i don't have the time, inclination, or energy, and frankly, i just don't care. oh well, at least this one "figured it out" in one date rather than nine months. sheesh.

Edited March 23, 2008 by LuCidiTy

[Far Behind]

I was wondering how your date went...at least you took a chance and went out.

I can say that about my situation, too, I guess...I took ANOTHER chance and went out with him on Monday and then waited all week for him to do what he eventually did.

 

Today I went to the bookstore and bought "Men Who Can't Love" and also "Don't Call that Man."

 

He hasn't been on line since Friday evening before we had spoken on the telephone. Not even on myspace. Yes, I know I should not be looking, and I'm sure I will taper off as the week progresses. I can't help wondering if there is just that .000001% of a chance that something may have happened, but I know better. I think he knew that he screwed up on Friday and then didn't want to deal with the confrontation that would be sure to follow if he actually would have manned up and called yesterday. Idiot.

[LuCidiTy]

it was nuts. i was nothing but carefree and honestly didn't give a damn. same as i always am. i'm seriously beginning to think there is a certain type of woman men want and lose their heads over but just can't seem to handle, aren't strong enough for. and i think that freaks them out, some sooner rather than later. you know that old stevie nicks song with whatshisname? leather and lace? there's a line that says, "When I walked into your house, I knew I'd never want to leave..."

 

i'd venture to say you're probably freaking him out too. it's just bizare behaviour. can't be explained otherwise.