Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[sedgwick]

Man, I am so jealous of all of you with your exes who contact you. I am here as proof that sometimes they really do just vanish and never look back. Sad but true. Sigh...it's so hard to let go when I have all these things I still want to say to him. But he knows how I feel, and he knows how to get in touch with me. I still have the same phone number and email address, I still live in the same place. It would be very easy for him to contact me if he wanted to talk to me, and he hasn't. And I absolutely will not contact him at this point. I would never put my heart out there like that for him to stomp on again. I think this really might be the most painful thing I've ever been through, and I'm not going out there and begging for more. I just wonder if he even notices I'm not contacting him.

[Elena62]

Well, we'll know all the answers tonight...I am going over there in about an hour to finally have this soul-baring talk. I asked him in one of the emails we did "I need to know, honestly, do you love me?" and he replied "with all my heart."

 

More to follow.

 

Wow such an awesome thread! I'm glad I'm not alone in how I feel! I hope this evening goes well for you!

[LuCidiTy]

Man, I am so jealous of all of you with your exes who contact you. I am here as proof that sometimes they really do just vanish and never look back. Sad but true. Sigh...it's so hard to let go when I have all these things I still want to say to him. But he knows how I feel, and he knows how to get in touch with me. I still have the same phone number and email address, I still live in the same place. It would be very easy for him to contact me if he wanted to talk to me, and he hasn't. And I absolutely will not contact him at this point. I would never put my heart out there like that for him to stomp on again. I think this really might be the most painful thing I've ever been through, and I'm not going out there and begging for more. I just wonder if he even notices I'm not contacting him.

 

thinking you might be the lucky one in some ways. it's not so easy when they keep coming back and you have no idea why and you don't know what to say, ya know? plus, there's really no time limit on it either, so you're not exactly out of the woods. they all do come back in one way or another. always.

[Walking away]

Update ladies....

 

He left a message on my phone Saturday night, sent me an email yesterday for Easter and called me at 5:15 this morning.

 

We had "the talk."

 

I told him that I was done. I was strong, firm, unemotional, and very kind.

 

He told me he wants me in his life.

 

Long story short, his head is spinning, I am sure. I stopped him dead in his tracks when he was in pursuit of me.

 

I feel empowered. It hurts to know that we are over, but I stood up for myself and my needs. And I kept my dignity in the midst of it.

 

What he was offering me wasn't enough and I told him just that.

 

I am not settling and I am not being demoted to just a friend, either.

 

I feel raw, yet strong.

 

I will miss him....

 

WA

Edited March 25, 2008 by Walking away

[beta]

Update ladies....

 

He left a message on my phone Saturday night, sent me an email yesterday for Easter and called me at 5:15 this morning.

 

We had "the talk."

 

I told him that I was done. I was strong, firm, unemotional, and very kind.

 

He told me he wants me in his life.

 

Long story short, his head is spinning, I am sure. I stopped him dead in his tracks when he was in pursuit of me.

 

I feel empowered. It hurts to know that we are over, but I stood up for myself and my needs. And I kept my dignity in the midst of it.

 

What he was offering me wasn't enough and I told him just that.

 

I am not settling and I am not being demoted to just a friend, either.

 

I feel raw, yet strong.

 

I will miss him....

 

WA

 

Wow...well done. That just might be what his come round on bended knee? (don't mean to put hope there if there is none) but you have shown amazing strength and are ultimately not settling for second best. Bravo.

 

Man, I am so jealous of all of you with your exes who contact you. I am here as proof that sometimes they really do just vanish and never look back. Sad but true. Sigh...it's so hard to let go when I have all these things I still want to say to him. But he knows how I feel, and he knows how to get in touch with me. I still have the same phone number and email address, I still live in the same place. It would be very easy for him to contact me if he wanted to talk to me, and he hasn't. And I absolutely will not contact him at this point. I would never put my heart out there like that for him to stomp on again. I think this really might be the most painful thing I've ever been through, and I'm not going out there and begging for more. I just wonder if he even notices I'm not contacting him.

 

Hang on! I have NC too! I'm with you!

 

 

Well, we'll know all the answers tonight...I am going over there in about an hour to finally have this soul-baring talk. I asked him in one of the emails we did "I need to know, honestly, do you love me?" and he replied "with all my heart."

 

More to follow.

 

How exciting! We'll miss you if you leave this thread but I would be soooo happy for you if you did. (I would love nothing more for myself!)

 

That made me feel better. We do all sound intelligent, articulate, and aware. We can't all be nuts.

 

 

hmmm. You're right...maybe you are me. You've just described what I've been living.

 

 

KS? lol I lived in the UK for some time...tis where I want to be...Europe is my home I feel.

 

Starting day3 of real NC. Will he even know? I've never managed more than 3 days. Am resolved this time though. AM NOT getting humiliated AGAIN!

Did I mention I still love him? Dammit.

[LuCidiTy]

hugs, WA. that must have been very hard to do. bittersweet. and yes, i bet his head is spinning.

[Walking away]

Thanks.

 

I hurt, that's for sure. But I did what was best for me.

 

I see it this way: either way I win.

 

If he does pull his arse out of his ass, he will fix himself and come get me.

 

If he doesn't, well.....I saved myself sure heartache by staying in this mess of a relationship.

 

Either way, I win.

[Far Behind]

Wow...WA, I know how hard this is, and I know what you mean by raw but strong.

 

My night was very interesting. I honestly believe him when I hear his words. We are going to continue to give it a go...but I implored him to when he feels like he has to retreat to that cave to just let me know before he goes in and when he comes out, and if he does that I won't bug him while he's in there. We both have issues to work on. We just need to go really slowly. I'm not leaving here so fast.

[mistie03]

Man, I am so jealous of all of you with your exes who contact you. I am here as proof that sometimes they really do just vanish and never look back. Sad but true. Sigh...it's so hard to let go when I have all these things I still want to say to him. But he knows how I feel, and he knows how to get in touch with me. I still have the same phone number and email address, I still live in the same place. It would be very easy for him to contact me if he wanted to talk to me, and he hasn't. And I absolutely will not contact him at this point. I would never put my heart out there like that for him to stomp on again. I think this really might be the most painful thing I've ever been through, and I'm not going out there and begging for more. I just wonder if he even notices I'm not contacting him.

My ex did the same thing, Sedgwick.

 

After 7 years, he walked away and didn't look back.

[sedona]

Man, I am so jealous of all of you with your exes who contact you.

So am I! Mine's not going to contact me. I would love to believe that he will, but I don't think I made a big enough impact in his life for him to bother. A bitter pill to swallow, one which is making me physically nauseous.

He knows that I'm hurt and can't deal with it. I think he'll never bother calling for fear of opening old wounds, even if he should one day start thinking he made a mistake. I also can't imagine that he'll ever think he made his mistake because those feelings of love and longing that he once had just completely vanished- they might just as well have never existed for all he's concerned. But I'm still stuck there and can't get over them. Aargh!

 

 

thinking you might be the lucky one in some ways. it's not so easy when they keep coming back and you have no idea why and you don't know what to say, ya know? plus, there's really no time limit on it either, so you're not exactly out of the woods. they all do come back in one way or another. always.

 

I don't feel lucky. Even though you're right.

And they always come back? Seems hard to believe!

 

We had "the talk."

 

I told him that I was done. I was strong, firm, unemotional, and very kind.

 

He told me he wants me in his life.

 

Long story short, his head is spinning, I am sure. I stopped him dead in his tracks when he was in pursuit of me.

 

I feel empowered. It hurts to know that we are over, but I stood up for myself and my needs. And I kept my dignity in the midst of it.

 

What he was offering me wasn't enough and I told him just that.

 

I am not settling and I am not being demoted to just a friend, either.

 

I feel raw, yet strong.

 

I will miss him....

 

WA

 

I'm so sorry that you had to do this. Even though you feel it was the right thing to do, that must have been incredibly hard.

 

 

I had "the talk" on Thursday, although I hadn't started out like that. I just needed to tell him how I really was instead of just maintaining a happy face. I also said something about having been demoted from lover to friend. He didn't understand how I could say something like that. Why can't he understand how painful that is?

The result was the same as yours, but I wasn't quite as dignified as you. Couldn't stop crying. What a mess I was!

 

He was fine, in case anybody's worried.

 

 

 

KS? lol I lived in the UK for some time...tis where I want to be...Europe is my home I feel.

 

Starting day3 of real NC. Will he even know? I've never managed more than 3 days. Am resolved this time though. AM NOT getting humiliated AGAIN!

Did I mention I still love him? Dammit.

 

Today is Day 4. Wonder if he's thought about it at all. And I still love him too. How did we get here?

 

My night was very interesting. I honestly believe him when I hear his words. We are going to continue to give it a go...but I implored him to when he feels like he has to retreat to that cave to just let me know before he goes in and when he comes out, and if he does that I won't bug him while he's in there. We both have issues to work on. We just need to go really slowly. I'm not leaving here so fast.

I wish you luck with all my heart.

[Mary3]

I've only read to post # 20 because I have to get some sleep now.

 

I just wanted to say that you are dealing with an emotionally damaged man who may have wounds that will never heal or (maybe) partially heal with therapy.

 

I have learned , learned , learned , to not pick up the wounded birds anymore. I can't fix their broken wings. I tried and now I need to be around emotionally stable people. The stability that I have worked at for my self , my own love for myself and that is when fast forward I can go back out into the world and fish the great pond for someone great

 

I once dated a man who was so damaged by his wifes 20 years of cheating , how he stayed and how she used him , how she took out loans behind his back , how he had to bear the burden on raising the child they had , on and on, He told me he could never trust a woman again,. With that I walked out and never returned.

 

You don't want a damaged bird. You may think with all you said that you can save him, you can love him ! But in reality , if he had a bad childhood or bad marraige , you can't fix his damage. You get strong yourself and find yourself a new bird , one thats ready to fly with you , who is strong like you and ready to love.

 

Cast this bird to the quarantine and have him get his wounds healed professionally.

 

You did the best you could

[Walking away]

I've only read to post # 20 because I have to get some sleep now.

 

I just wanted to say that you are dealing with an emotionally damaged man who may have wounds that will never heal or (maybe) partially heal with therapy.

 

I have learned , learned , learned , to not pick up the wounded birds anymore. I can't fix their broken wings. I tried and now I need to be around emotionally stable people. The stability that I have worked at for my self , my own love for myself and that is when fast forward I can go back out into the world and fish the great pond for someone great

 

I once dated a man who was so damaged by his wifes 20 years of cheating , how he stayed and how she used him , how she took out loans behind his back , how he had to bear the burden on raising the child they had , on and on, He told me he could never trust a woman again,. With that I walked out and never returned.

 

You don't want a damaged bird. You may think with all you said that you can save him, you can love him ! But in reality , if he had a bad childhood or bad marraige , you can't fix his damage. You get strong yourself and find yourself a new bird , one thats ready to fly with you , who is strong like you and ready to love.

 

Cast this bird to the quarantine and have him get his wounds healed professionally.

 

You did the best you could

 

you are absolutely right.

 

And I agree. You can't heal everyone's wounds.

 

And I am a nurse.

[Far Behind]

I am very scared, but I feel better than I did last week. He is such a mess in so many ways, but there is so much potential, too. He explained what happened this weekend and actually wondered/hoped that I would call HIM when I hadn't heard from him. He did say he understands he has put me through the wringer. Ya think? He insists he wants to be with me and nobody else. There has been nobody but me through this whole mess. I told him I don't know when I will be able to trust him again but if he understands that and stays in contact with me WHEN he says he will...we should be ok. Now we have my kids to deal with, but even at that, we are going slow. Which sounds good but can we really? How do you slow something down anyway? We've already said we love each other, from the git-go we said that. I told him he isn't going to be able to stay here this weekend as the girls are with me. There is a small chance they may go with their dad because his folks may be here, but that is not for sure. Soooooooo....we'll see. I proceed with caution.

[sedona]

Found this on an old thread, posted by MissTiss (btw how are you now?):

 

"You obviously haven't dated a commitment phobe. The time you spend with one is a years worth of relationship rolled into a tight, shorter package...the whole scope of love gets touched upon. Trust me on this. I haven't done much posting on my situation because well, I feel like a fool, but it doesn't mean I wasn't very much in love or hurting now. Yes, maybe I should be over it, but I am not...just like the OP.

 

Not really fair to tell someone to just get over it, or question their ability to do just that. Everyone is different."

 

There are so many old posts on this same subject. I wonder where all those people are now...

[Far Behind]

Funny, I flat out asked mine if he was commitment-phobic or intimidated by the idea of being in a committed relationship, and he said not at all. He does have some depression issues he's working on, but the idea of being with me is not one of them. I always believed him when he said he loved me, and I always thought there was a way we could be together. I'm very scared, though.

[sedona]

Funny, I flat out asked mine if he was commitment-phobic or intimidated by the idea of being in a committed relationship, and he said not at all. He does have some depression issues he's working on, but the idea of being with me is not one of them. I always believed him when he said he loved me, and I always thought there was a way we could be together. I'm very scared, though.

Mine doesn't think he's commitmentphobic either. He just can't explain this mental block. But he can't point out anything wrong in me or the relationship. His feelings just vanished. I wish I believed the problem was something else, but I've read lots of books and most of what he says and does falls into the pattern that they describe.

 

Get this... He was once together with a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness before they had met. She couldn't do things with him because she could hardly walk. He had to wear headphones when he watched TV because the noise bothered her. Yet in spite of lots of problems like this, he never felt the mental block that he has developed against me. My explanation (which I never ever would have said to him) was that of course he never felt a mental block. There was no need to have any fear of commitment because he knew beforehand that she wouldn't be around long. Isn't that a horrible thought?!?! But I think it's true. I don't think it's just me being bitter. I think he's still be with me if I were dying!

 

Far behind - how is your guy working on his depression issues? All by himself or does he have help?

[Far Behind]

Far behind - how is your guy working on his depression issues? All by himself or does he have help?

 

He says he is too stubborn to get help, just trying to deal on his own. As long as he doesn't shut me out, we will probably be alright. But I'm not a therapist and I can't fix him, so I hope he is willing to fix himself. Time will tell.

[sedona]

Far Behind,

I truly wish you the best. I know that you have to do what you have to do.

But I just spent some time reading all the threads that you started - maybe you should try that too. You've been on the same rollercoaster ride now for a long time. You've already been through what you going through now. If he loves you and wants to be with you, then you should insist that he do something more than try to work out his issues alone. He's trapped inside his own skull and won't be able to fix himself (ok, here I'm talking about my guy, but I think it's true of yours).

 

Stand up for yourself! Don't you deserve that?

And you're letting him do this to you...maybe you need some help too. The books talks about a passive commitmentphobe, the so-called "victim" in all this.

 

I know you have huge hopes in him and feel that you just have to give this a shot. I know because I'd do the exact same thing in your situation! You're not ready to give him up, and so you shouldn't. But you need to protect yourself. You can't just listen to him and trust him again. He has to earn your trust, something he hasn't yet done.

[Far Behind]

I told him I don't know how long it will take me to to trust him. He said he understood. I know what you are saying because it's all true. Last night was the first time we really started to speak on the deep level we need to continue to communicate on. He seems to want this...I asked him do you want to take a break and let's talk in a month or so? NO. So, am I setting myself up for ultimate hurt and disappointment? Possibly. And I know I have abandonment issues, which may be part of that passive commitmentphobe you mentioned. I am starting to examine that. I'm off to run errands. Talk later!

[LuCidiTy]

Yeah, I don't think mine's a commitaphobe...more a wounded bird. Probably as wounded as they come. Then again, so am I. Who among us isn't in some way or another, especially as we get older and go through enough of this pain? Guess it all comes down to love, patience, and understanding. You do it until you can't anymore.

 

Seems like Neil Young may have known a wounded bird...

 

Birds

 

Lover

There will be another one

Who'll hover over you beneath the sun

Tomorrow

see the things that never come

Today

 

When you see me fly away without you

Shadow on the things you know

Feathers fall around you

And show you the way to go

It's over, it's over.

 

Nestled

In your wings my little one

This special morning brings another sun

Tomorrow see the things that never come

Today

 

When you see me fly away without you

Shadow on the things you know

Feathers fall around you

And show you the way to go

It's over, it's over.

 

*from the album After the Goldrush

Edited March 25, 2008 by LuCidiTy

[Far Behind]

GREAT song by Neil Young, and appropriate, too.

He keeps telling me not to be scared, but I am. I hope it passes.

[Advocate's Devilette]

Well the answer to if he really loves you and wants you or not is in his actions. YOU are the one seeking HIM out to contact him. He is not contacting you, you are initiating all of it.

His silence is his way of saying 'I'm just not that into you' plain and simple.

Let this one go and find someone who is not so weird. Sorry but that is the truth, you are never going to get a real relationship with this man. He isn't going to give you what you want, ever.

[beta]

I think that is the best way to describe all these emotions. Bloody Frightening!

How much time? I want to know! I really need to know! It's been 3 weeks since the breakup...day 3 completed of NC. Not a day has gone by without me falling completely apart. I've lost 7lbs (new weight loss book?) I didn't really need to lose it though.

I thought I was doing good today. Accomplished a couple of things...but not everything I was suppose to Damm him for throwing me off the Eiffel Tower! Wait. It's not the Eiffel Tower. That would be the equivalent of one of the highest buildings in the world....i've fallen from there before! (Not in love but other situations...even life threatening ones!)

He took me flying! It was exhilerating! The best view of the planet I had ever seen! Breathtaking really. Then he threw me out of the plane! I don't even know which continent I landed on...? How am I suppose to know which direction to take?

I sound like a such a neurotic basket case! Truth is: I WAS once a stable, confident intelligent beautiful woman with (dare I say) some real successes that I have achieved! What the hell happened to me!???

Worse than that: HOW did I let this happen???

---Broke down in massive tears earlier ...out of the blue!!! I want to know when it will stop!

[Advocate's Devilette]

Oh, by the way, don't know if it matters, men are men, but he is British.....so if there are any Brits out there who have any insight on odd British male behaviour, feel free to pipe in. Hes got a lot working against him at the moment--homesick, pain-in-the-rear ex, kids, lousy job, hes bitter about his ex, and then comes along yours truly to shake things up. Geez, I suppose its no wonder hes f**ck*d in the head right now.....

 

Honestly if a man really loves you and wants to be with you, these things are very minor and would not get in the way of him being with you.

Sorry, the truth is he's just not that into you.

[Advocate's Devilette]

Yeah, I don't think mine's a commitaphobe...more a wounded bird. Probably as wounded as they come. Then again, so am I. Who among us isn't in some way or another, especially as we get older and go through enough of this pain? Guess it all comes down to love, patience, and understanding. You do it until you can't anymore.

 

I don't understand why you keep making excuses for this man. Why is it so hard for you to accept that he just doesn't love you? see, you say it gets all good and you have a wonderful time of having sex and such, then he distances himself.

See, he gets what he biologically needs and wants (sex) from you, then he doesn't need you around for a while so that is what the "distancing" is about. I can't believe you haven't figured this out yet, it is all so very clear.