Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[LuCidiTy]

i'd like to know that too, beta...

[mistie03]

Well the answer to if he really loves you and wants you or not is in his actions. YOU are the one seeking HIM out to contact him. He is not contacting you, you are initiating all of it.

His silence is his way of saying 'I'm just not that into you' plain and simple.

Let this one go and find someone who is not so weird. Sorry but that is the truth, you are never going to get a real relationship with this man. He isn't going to give you what you want, ever.

You are absolutely correct with this assessment. I am apparently a slow study, but had to come to terms with the fact that my ex-bf "just wasn't into me". I knew it was time to stop the madness and move on for a new love. I'm not ready to date yet, but I will get there. He's out there somewhere......

 

I used to be so enamored with my ex-bf that I didn't think another man could possibly catch my eye. Now, that is changing. I am starting to find other men attractive now. In fact, I have a picture of my ex-bf on my computer that is a really bad shot of him. When I start thinking he's all that, I look at that picture. He does have a really hot body. Too bad he wasn't as beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside.

Edited March 26, 2008 by mistie03

[Takn4Granted]

Sedona & Lucidity -- I know exactly what you are going through, but I'm the guy on the other side of this type of coin. I'm dealing with a women who I believe is cared of commitment (recently divorced) and pushes me away when we get close but my story has a few more twists...if you want to compare notes check out my post "is there a chance".

[Walking away]

Ouch....

 

Even though I did the right thing by stopping this nonsense with my guy, I am hurting.

 

Gosh, even doing the RIGHT thing sucks...

 

WA

[sedona]

Ouch....

 

Even though I did the right thing by stopping this nonsense with my guy, I am hurting.

 

Gosh, even doing the RIGHT thing sucks...

 

WA

Sorry, WA. Of course it's painful even though you did the only thing you could have to save yourself. No way getting around the hurt.

I woke up this morning sad because I feel I have nothing to look forward to. I won't be hearing from him. I won't be seeing him. No more plans to do something together. At the moment, I can't wake up any interest in other people or other things. I am just existing, not living.

But I couldn't go back to dealing with his ambivalence towards me. THAT was painful and never-ending.

[Walking away]

You know...

 

I said this a thousand times to myself before I ended it with him:

 

Pain if I stay and pain if I go. I knew that. But I also told myself exactly what you said, "If I stay, the pain will never stop. If I go, at least it will eventually go away...."

 

You are so right. It is true. The pain of staying would be never ending...

 

Sadly, before I lowered the boom in our last phone call, he was so upbeat and full of compliments for me. Of course he was! He was in pursuit mode once again!

 

I think I shocked him as much as I shocked myself at my strength of conviction. I don't think he saw this coming...

 

Oh well. I did the right thing and I did it in the right way. I didn't cry. I was just resolved.

 

I hope he at least respects my strength for standing up for what I want in the relationship.

 

I do miss him.

 

WA

[sedona]

You know...

 

I said this a thousand times to myself before I ended it with him:

 

Pain if I stay and pain if I go. I knew that. But I also told myself exactly what you said, "If I stay, the pain will never stop. If I go, at least it will eventually go away...."

 

You are so right. It is true. The pain of staying would be never ending...

 

I do miss him.

 

WA

The last few weeks I've spent my time waiting to hear from him, never knowing when I was going to see him again. In a strange way, it's almost a relief to know that I don't have to wait anymore. He just won't be calling. There's no more suspense, no more thinking "doesn't he want to talk to me?"

 

And I finally don't feel the urge to text or call him. I think this NC will stick.

 

And this is so hard, because I want him to reach out to me.

 

But now I can start licking my wounds.

 

Today is Day 5 of NC.

[LuCidiTy]

Sedona & Lucidity -- I know exactly what you are going through, but I'm the guy on the other side of this type of coin. I'm dealing with a women who I believe is cared of commitment (recently divorced) and pushes me away when we get close but my story has a few more twists...if you want to compare notes check out my post "is there a chance".

 

will check your topic out. nice to see a man here...and that it's not just a gender thing too (i assume that's what you mean by other side of the coin).

[Far Behind]

Hey guys...just wanted to let you know I'm doing ok. We are supposed to see each other tomorrow night. I have been doing a lot of thinking. I also have been reading my books, lol. I know, for example, that most of the issues right now are HIS, not mine, and he has to be willing to work on them, not me. I have issues of my own I need to work on. And what I have to find out is IF he is willing to work on them, or if he thinks they will some how just magically disappear if he continues to ignore them. The one thing I don't have insecurity about is our feelings for each other, but at this point in my life, love alone is not enough to make it work; there has to be good mental health and stability, and if he isn't willing to work on himself, ultimately we won't make it. I'm pretty sure he is depressed, but he says he is too stubborn to go to counseling. I feel more in control than i have in quite a while, because I know what I want, and I know if he can't give that to me, I will be able to let him go. The thing is, we have both sort of lived the last 2 months in limbo and are finding our way back to each other...I hope he is willing to do what it takes to make it work.

[beta]

You girls sound so much stronger than me....I used to believe I was I had another really hard night last night....all I wanted to do was sleep it off. I put the kids to bed then went to sleep myself (alone...again) at 8pm. I woke up this morning at 3am thinking "this is not happening. We're going to be toghether! We have to be!" I actually was smiling this morning as I went about my day. Had a photo shoot today and was feeling good. In the middle of the day (his night) I called. He didn't answer The phone just rang and rang. Damm! Now he knows I called! NC was broken I'm down to day 1 again! What tools am I missing?

Will I get to that place of "resolve"? I still just can't believe it's over?! It's still so shocking and overwhelming after 3 weeks. When will it sink in? I don't want it to sink in...that is the problem I'm sure.

---everyday is a struggle still....

[sedona]

When will it sink in? I don't want it to sink in...that is the problem I'm sure.

---everyday is a struggle still....

Yup, I don't think I'll get better until I let it sink in and let him go in my heart. Something I don't want to do because I love him and that would mean it's truly over.

 

From what I understand beta, NC is a tool to help you. There's no point in being upset because you broke it. You're not starting over again, even though it's "Day 1". What you're going through is really hard. Don't beat yourself up for a moment of weakness. That weakness was brought on by hope and love and those are good things, even though they're working against us at the moment.

 

I know that I'm not stronger than you. Believe me, I wish I were but I'm in the same boat.

[beta]

How long has it been Sedona? (break up?)

Was thinking of flying over to the UK in a couple of weeks. I wonder how that would work? Maybe he would melt when he saw me and sparks will fly? Maybe he'll be so dammed irritated that he'll think I've gone mad?

[sedgwick]

Beta, DON'T CHASE HIM!!!! Showing up on his doorstep is a really bad idea. Take care of yourself, okay?

[Walking away]

The last few weeks I've spent my time waiting to hear from him, never knowing when I was going to see him again. In a strange way, it's almost a relief to know that I don't have to wait anymore. He just won't be calling. There's no more suspense, no more thinking "doesn't he want to talk to me?"

 

And I finally don't feel the urge to text or call him. I think this NC will stick.

 

And this is so hard, because I want him to reach out to me.

 

But now I can start licking my wounds.

 

Today is Day 5 of NC.

 

Today is Day 3 of NC.

 

And not a peep from him...

[LuCidiTy]

ahh. good for you WA! but it'll happen. always does eventually.

 

i'm on day 20. with just the IM from him that i responded to on day 11 and the texts i didn't respond to on day 15. i haven't even lifted a finger to type or dial.

[Walking away]

I feel pretty good.

 

I hurt, of course.

 

But, I know that I absolutely handled the phone call beautifully. He was dumbfounded. His respect was apparent in his voice and in his words.

 

I don't think any woman has ever told him, "Thanks, but no thanks. What you are offering me in not good enough...."

 

And right before I lowered the boom, he kept telling me how wonderful I am and how he is in awe at how people respond to me.

 

Fool.

 

His loss. And he knows it.

[LuCidiTy]

well done. sounds like he has some thinking of his own to do now. *hugs ya

[Walking away]

Right back atcha...

[sedona]

How long has it been Sedona? (break up?)

Was thinking of flying over to the UK in a couple of weeks. I wonder how that would work? Maybe he would melt when he saw me and sparks will fly? Maybe he'll be so dammed irritated that he'll think I've gone mad?

I started noticing that he had begun pulling away in November. It became more and more obvious with time. We took a break about a month ago so he could try to figure things out. I don't know what he did during that time. It didnæ't change anything anyway. In the end, I broke NC. He said that he'd like to do things together to see if his feelings toward me would gradually warm up again. Tried that a bit, but I couldn't deal with it. I called him up about 2 weeks to say it was over. Then called him the next day to say that I still wanted him in my life. That lasted another week, but he didn't make any effort and it was too painful for me. When I told him how much I was hurting, he said that he'd just leave me alone so I could heal. That was 6 days ago. Haven't heard from him since and don't expect to anytime soon. If he does get in touch, then I know that it won't be to tell me what I want to hear.

 

He says he's a believer in taking things sloooooooowwwwwllllyyyyy. He thinks that I'm just too impatient. But is not being able to live with the demotion from gf to friend being impatient? I don't think so.

 

The last time I talked to him, he said that he knew he'd see me again. His way of keeping his options open and keeping me dangling.

 

Still, I have to admit that I needed to hear that. I couldn't bear leaving him, knowing that he was completely out of my life forever.

 

Beta, I think it's a bad idea to go to the UK on a surprise visit. That's just letting yourself in for more hurt.

[Walking away]

Yeah, Sedona.

 

I get it. My guy was pulling away and giving me the long distance relationship excuse. But, he still wants me in his life as his friend. Said I'm too special to let go. Said he was frustrated that God dropped this beautiful blonde in front of him who has every attribute he wants in a woman.....but puts her in a different state.

 

So, could I please just be his friend since he can't handle the distance....?

 

I told him there was no way I was taking a step down. I am not interested in being his friend.

 

Either he was IN a relationship with me, or he was OUT. I am not settling.

 

He was stunned and said so.

 

I also told him that he was not going to "wean" himself off of me by gradually contacting me less and less. He was not going to be able to get his "fix" of me when he needed it.

 

But, I was kind but strong. Firm, yet calm.

 

Do I hope that he will realize what he has lost? Oh yea.

 

But, he has to come back on MY terms. HIS terms were killing me.

 

I don't hold my breath, though. He has lots of childhood issues and emotional walls up from that.

 

But, I did what was best for me. And even though I may never hear from him again, I showed self respect by standing up for what I want. And I was dignified.

 

I may lose. I may not.

 

Maybe he will come back with a passion and ardor like he has never known. But maybe he won't.

 

But, I left on my terms and I can live with that.

 

Sedona, your man was killing you slowly.

 

I get that. Mine was doing the same.

 

Hang in there.

Edited March 27, 2008 by Walking away

[sedona]

Yeah, Sedona.

 

I told him there was no way I was taking a step down. I am not interested in being his friend.

 

Either he was IN a relationship with me, or he was OUT. I am not settling.

 

 

I also told him that he was not going to "wean" himself off of me by gradually contacting me less and less. He was not going to be able to get his "fix" of me when he needed it.

 

But, I was kind but strong. Firm, yet calm.

 

Do I hope that he will realize what he has lost? Oh yea.

 

But, he has to come back on MY terms. HIS terms were killing me.

 

I don't hold my breath, though. He has lots of childhood issues and emotional walls up from that.

 

But, I did what was best for me. And even though I may never hear from him again, I showed self respect by standing up for what I want. And I was dignified.

 

I may lose. I may not.

 

Maybe he will come back with a passion and ardor like he has never known. But maybe he won't.

 

But, I left on my terms and I can live with that.

 

Sedona, your man was killing you slowly.

 

I get that. Mine was doing the same.

 

Hang in there.

You and I did the exact same thing, except you managed to handle it calmly and with dignity. I was a mess, bouncing back and forth for the past few weeks. During our last talk, he was just fine while I couldn't stop crying. Aaaaargh. Oh well, I did the best that I could.

 

Killing me slowly. Yup, that's exactly it. Exactly.

 

Mingled in with my hurt and disbelief is a bit of relief in knowing that I'm no longer waiting for the phone to ring.

[Mouldylocks]

Tentatively dipping my toe in the water to say that I'm also a magician. Yes, I managed to make my boyfriend disappear too. Okay, I know I didn't really make him do it, but he did it anyway.

 

It's still a bit raw to tell the whole story, but there are similarities with you all, and it sucks. I'm working on my issues - and I admit that I had quite a few, more than I realised to be honest - and I'm working damned hard. The past few months have been the worst of my life, and that's saying something.

 

I don't know if he'll come back. One day we were talking about living together, he was telling me he loved me so much, I was everything to him......and a week later, it was over. No big fight, no 'anything'. I haven't heard from him in nearly two weeks. I haven't tried to contact him for a week. All I can do is focus on me. It hurts, I miss him - I miss his smile, his laugh, walking with him, holding his hand. I miss his presence, I miss so much about him. He's hurting and he's gone into shutdown. I can't reach him, so all I can do is leave it.

 

Sigh.

[Walking away]

You and I did the exact same thing, except you managed to handle it calmly and with dignity. I was a mess, bouncing back and forth for the past few weeks. During our last talk, he was just fine while I couldn't stop crying. Aaaaargh. Oh well, I did the best that I could.

 

Killing me slowly. Yup, that's exactly it. Exactly.

 

Mingled in with my hurt and disbelief is a bit of relief in knowing that I'm no longer waiting for the phone to ring.

 

The only reason I wasn't a mess when I did it was because I had DAYS to think about it. And I came to the conclusion long before he called that I had had it with his ambivalence.

 

I have been down this road before, so I knew how to handle this situation, sadly.

 

That is the only thing different.

 

I walked this road before, so the path was already travelled by me.

 

Day 4 of NC....

 

Hugs

 

WA

[sedona]

The only reason I wasn't a mess when I did it was because I had DAYS to think about it. And I came to the conclusion long before he called that I had had it with his ambivalence.

 

Oops. Forgot that there is one pretty big difference between your situation and mine. Your guy wanted you back. At least, that's the last thing he said to you, whether or not you choose to believe it. Mine dropped me completely. I guess that in the long run, my guy is making it easier for me, but it the short run it's an awful lot worse. This is tiring me out. Going to bed now. Night.

 

I miss him.

[Walking away]

Oops. Forgot that there is one pretty big difference between your situation and mine. Your guy wanted you back. At least, that's the last thing he said to you, whether or not you choose to believe it. Mine dropped me completely. I guess that in the long run, my guy is making it easier for me, but it the short run it's an awful lot worse. This is tiring me out. Going to bed now. Night.

 

I miss him.

 

He wanted me in his life on his terms....not mine. He never once said that he wanted a monogamous, committed relationship with me in our last conversation. Had he said that, I wouldn't be where I am today.

 

He wanted me there for him when he needed me, but he wanted to keep his options open locally for him if someone entered into his life in his city, his state.

 

He wanted me as a standby. Just in case. After all, according to him, I'm pretty terrific. He loves talking to me. He trusts me. But he wanted to put me in a box and look elsewhere for someone locally who is like me. In a nutshell, he wanted me to be there in case he realized I was the one after all. He wanted the perks of a relationship without the commitment.

 

He likes me, yes.

He wants me in his life, yes.

Does he want me in a committed relationship; just him and I?

 

Nope.

 

And that is never good enough for me.

 

But, alas, I miss him too.

Edited March 27, 2008 by Walking away