Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[sedgwick]

Wow ladies...I really needed to read this tonight!!!

 

First of all, Walking Away, YOU ROCK!!!! I am so proud of you for the way you handled the phone conversation, and he will NEVER forget you! Wasn't it nice to hear how much he respected you?

 

Anyway, I was talking to my best friend last night, and she reminded me that when I was with my ex, I was always annoyed with him for not making contact when he was on the road. He did, and he got better about it over time, but he'd go several days without calling or emailing or anything, and it really hurt me. It wasn't a case of him being out on the road partying, it was more like, he'd run into some people he wanted to play music with and he'd forget to call me because he was sucked into his bass all night. That's okay every once in a while, but it happened a lot. I didn't need him to call me every five minutes, but when you're someone's girlfriend, I think it's the considerate thing for him to do to make some kind of daily contact with you, or tell you when he can't. Especially if you're driving all the time and she worries you've fallen asleep at the wheel and killed yourself. To me that's just kind of common courtesy. I tried to say, "Oh, that's just how he is," but inside it was eating away at me because, I mean, how hard is it to send a text and say, "Out playing music, I'm okay?" Was he SO busy that that was too much to ask?

 

There were other things, too. He was just kind of oblivious to a lot of stuff. Like, that "girls like to be told they're beautiful" kind of stuff. We could never go away together because he was always on tour, and when he had time off he just wanted to be home resting. He wouldn't take care of himself on the road -- didn't sleep or eat enough, smoked a lot of cigs -- and then, surprise, he'd come home sick. He'd have three or four days off and he'd spend them in bed with the flu. I felt that this, too, was very inconsiderate. I mean, if you can't take care of yourself for yourself, can you try to do it for me, so you'll be healthy when you see me?

 

The more I look back at it, the more I see that he's just in major self-destruct mode for whatever reason, and it was going on before I met him and it's probably still happening now. And as much as I love him, those things would absolutely have to change if I were to take him back.

 

I'm so sick of guys who get with awesome girls and don't appreciate them (and yes, guys, I know it goes the other way too!) I met a woman recently whose ex was this writer I know. He's attractive in a dorky sort of way, but he's rather arrogant, and that makes him far less attractive to me. He has no sense of humor. Anyway, so this woman was gorgeous and funny and vibrant, and really impressed me, and when she left I asked our mutual friend, who introduced us, how they knew each other.

 

Well, turns out she's the ex of the arrogant writer, and he DUMPED her because he found out she worked briefly as a stripper to put herself through GRAD SCHOOL!! Like, 15 years ago! Long before she knew him! And I mean, for crying out loud, we're in New York City, who HASN'T done sex work? This woman is now a published author. And apparently she was really in love with him, which led my friend to say, "She's WAY too good for him." My friend thinks he dumped her because she was a better writer.

 

Sometimes I think men have these impossible ideals of what they want in a woman and they use them as security blankets to protect themselves from commitment. I mean, a 31-year-old man breaking up with his bellydancer girlfriend, who's WILDLY in love with him and wants to have sex with him all the time, because she's not an old-time fiddle player?!?! What the f*ck?

 

Sometimes I am able to stop beating myself up long enough to see how ridiculous this is. Of course, I go right back to beating myself up, and therein lies the problem.

Edited March 27, 2008 by sedgwick

[Walking away]

Sedg -

 

You seem so together and accomplished.

 

Be proud of yourself.

 

I have said it before (and believe me, I've read enough books about this stuff, I feel like an expert), his problems will follow him wherever he goes.

 

He will be no different with anyone else if he has true commitment issues.

 

Thanks for the kudos.

 

I feel empowered and I know I did the right thing, but it still stings.

 

I mean, he has been mouse quiet since that call. I do hope that you are right. I hope that he remembers me fondly and with respect. I would like that very much.

 

But, based on his actions, in his eyes, I'm not worth the trouble.

 

Idiot.

 

Edited March 27, 2008 by Walking away

[Walking away]

Tentatively dipping my toe in the water to say that I'm also a magician. Yes, I managed to make my boyfriend disappear too. Okay, I know I didn't really make him do it, but he did it anyway.

 

It's still a bit raw to tell the whole story, but there are similarities with you all, and it sucks. I'm working on my issues - and I admit that I had quite a few, more than I realised to be honest - and I'm working damned hard. The past few months have been the worst of my life, and that's saying something.

 

I don't know if he'll come back. One day we were talking about living together, he was telling me he loved me so much, I was everything to him......and a week later, it was over. No big fight, no 'anything'. I haven't heard from him in nearly two weeks. I haven't tried to contact him for a week. All I can do is focus on me. It hurts, I miss him - I miss his smile, his laugh, walking with him, holding his hand. I miss his presence, I miss so much about him. He's hurting and he's gone into shutdown. I can't reach him, so all I can do is leave it.

 

Sigh.

 

I am the regular David Copperfield, then!

[beta]

I told you guys I broke NC by trying to call...that was yesterday (God, it seems like forever ago!) Anyways, he didn't answer. Sooooooo , after making myself a couple of stiff drinks to go to sleep, I wrote him this email (how embarassing when reading back! Can I sound more pathetic!?)

subject: Where are you?

Where are you (name)?

This hurts and I need you now..... You might think what you're doing is for the better...believe me, it's not. Not for me. Not so long ago, I was the most important part of your life...our life.

I'm really reaching out here...please hold out your hand....?

 

Guess where that got me? NOWHERE! Actually, probably further than nowhere since he didn't answer! Then, in the middle of the afternoon, (when we normally would be together) Whilst I am sitting at my dining room table trying really hard to be productive and write out my business goals, my hands start shaking, I feel sick to my stomach, tears are welling up in my eyes and falling down my face faster than I can wipe them. I can't stop it. OMG, I'm panicking! My friend tries to be there for me but of course she's saying "that jerk ain't worth you!" But but but but...HE WAS! What happened?

She leaves. And I tried calling! Damm!

Spoke to his best friend tonight (my good friend too) he didn't speak to him about me but he sounded fine and he (ex) booked our friend a flight to go out to see him to spend the weekend watching the Grand Prix together! ????? Life seems to be just dandyo for him whilst I am having a nervous breakdown!

Now what? labotomy? hypnosis?

Is he really trying to get me to hate him? Is this his way of trying to make things better? I just don't understand! And he should know! I could never hate him! This is so much worse! If I don't see him in April, I know we'll see each other in July.

I want to go to sleep and wake up in 2 weeks! (maybe the only way I will stop trying to contact him!)

He has never logged on anymore (mutual friends say the same), has also logged off skype , won't return emails and doesnt answer phone! I took him off speedial but can't bring myself to delete his number

It's been 3 weeks and it just seems to be getting worse ;(

Had appt with psychotherapist last night. Took some time just to get her "in the know". Should speak with her tomorrow again....I'll do anything at this point! i don't recognize who I am anymore!

Oh! Did I mention that I feel utterly rejected!? By the ONE person who I trusted more than anyone in the world?

Edited March 28, 2008 by beta

[sedgwick]

Beta, me too. I feel like I met my twin, the person I was put on earth to know, the one I looked for all my life, the one I could love and trust, blah blah. And it just turned out not to be true. It hurts so, so much, and I want him to come back because I don't want to think I'm that blind about the people I love. I want to be right.

 

But I'm not. He had to go off and destroy himself, because ONLY THEN would he be a TRUE musician. He's not done living out that fantasy, and I can't do anything to pull him through it. I can't see him coming out of it anytime soon unless he dies of exhaustion or malnutrition or a collapsed immune system or something. That's where he was headed the last time I saw him. I don't want to be with someone who is in denial about being sick, it's exhausting. Just slow down and eat a pizza and go see a shrink, already. There has to be a point where I allow myself to admit that MAYBE at least PART of this was his fault.

[sedona]

I told you guys I broke NC by trying to call...that was yesterday (God, it seems like forever ago!) Anyways, he didn't answer. Sooooooo , after making myself a couple of stiff drinks to go to sleep, I wrote him this email (how embarassing when reading back! Can I sound more pathetic!?)

subject: Where are you?

Where are you (name)?

This hurts and I need you now..... You might think what you're doing is for the better...believe me, it's not. Not for me. Not so long ago, I was the most important part of your life...our life.

I'm really reaching out here...please hold out your hand....?

 

Guess where that got me? NOWHERE! Actually, probably further than nowhere since he didn't answer! Then, in the middle of the afternoon, (when we normally would be together) Whilst I am sitting at my dining room table trying really hard to be productive and write out my business goals, my hands start shaking, I feel sick to my stomach, tears are welling up in my eyes and falling down my face faster than I can wipe them. I can't stop it. OMG, I'm panicking! My friend tries to be there for me but of course she's saying "that jerk ain't worth you!" But but but but...HE WAS! What happened?

She leaves. And I tried calling! Damm!

Spoke to his best friend tonight (my good friend too) he didn't speak to him about me but he sounded fine and he (ex) booked our friend a flight to go out to see him to spend the weekend watching the Grand Prix together! ????? Life seems to be just dandyo for him whilst I am having a nervous breakdown!

Now what? labotomy? hypnosis?

Is he really trying to get me to hate him? Is this his way of trying to make things better? I just don't understand! And he should know! I could never hate him! This is so much worse! If I don't see him in April, I know we'll see each other in July.

I want to go to sleep and wake up in 2 weeks! (maybe the only way I will stop trying to contact him!)

He has never logged on anymore (mutual friends say the same), has also logged off skype , won't return emails and doesnt answer phone! I took him off speedial but can't bring myself to delete his number

It's been 3 weeks and it just seems to be getting worse ;(

Had appt with psychotherapist last night. Took some time just to get her "in the know". Should speak with her tomorrow again....I'll do anything at this point! i don't recognize who I am anymore!

Oh! Did I mention that I feel utterly rejected!? By the ONE person who I trusted more than anyone in the world?

Oh beta sweetie, you have to stop trying to contact him. He knows where you are and knows how to dial the phone. You're only hurting yourself. Your letter was beautiful, but the fact is that he can't reach out to you.

 

I have the exact same feelings as you. I am going through the same thing. I have periods where I can't stop crying, when I can't seem to catch my breath, or when tears just start welling up. I know it doesn't help at all when friends tell he that he wasn't good enough for you.

 

For me, drinking doesn't help. Drinking just enhances whatever mood I'm in. If I'm happy, then I get silly and if I'm sad then I get depressed. Sleep deprivation certainly won't help your state of mind, so you need to start sleeping. Can't you see a doctor to find out what's best for you? Some sort of sleeping pill over a short period maybe? I found that sleeping pills didn't help me -- I still don't sleep well and then the next day my head feels heavy all day long. I've found that melantonin helps me and I don't get any hangover. Where I live, melatonin is available by prescription only, but it the US you can just buy it over the counter. People use it to get over jetlag and just to get a better night's rest.

 

Stop talking to mutual friends about what he's doing. In the last few weeks, that's one thing that really hurt me -- how my guy just went on with his life, doing all sorts of fun stuff with his friends - not at all affected by what was happening between us. While I was falling apart. Now is NC Day 7, and I can tell you -- it's so much better not to know what he's doing. Don't find out whether he's logged on or not. Just stop.

 

You're seeing a therapist!!! This is wonderful! This is your survival instinct kicking in.

 

I know you don't recognize yourself anymore. I fully understand this. What I'm going through has affected everything about me -- I am an academic and have always been able to produce. Now I can't concentrate, can't focus, and feel like a fraud when I am with my colleagues. I have now gone on partial sick leave in order to relieve myself of the pressure of having to push on. I have never done this before and feel like I should just be pulling myself up by the bootstraps and getting on with things, but you know what? I can't right now. It's time to concentrate on other things for a while and get over my guilt at not being able to study.

 

You will find yourself again, and you know what? You will be a stronger person, a more mature and confident edition of yourself.

 

Another thing. I have a friend who went through her own crisis a few years ago. She told me to read a book called "You can heal your life" by Louise Hay. I've ordered it, but haven't yet received it so I can't say any more about it. But I do know my friend and trust her judgement. Maybe you could take a look at it too?

[Walking away]

Big hugs to all of you....

 

You are all amazing women.

 

This too shall pass....

[Mouldylocks]

I had a dream about him last night - that he came to me and said he'd made a horrible mistake, that the pressure he was under at work was just too much for him. Of course, I forgave him - as I would in real life.

 

We both had 'issues', I guess. And mine coming to a head came at the worst possible time. But he didn't stand by me. He fled, and lost himself in work - which is typical behaviour from him. Now I wonder if he ever really existed at all .

 

But now I see my therapist, and I throw myself into new hobbies and I'm so much stronger. I can see why I felt the way I did, why I behaved how I did, and I can never go back to being that person again. I can't unlearn all I've now learned.

 

It's all so confusing. He told me I was his 'one', that I would never lose him, that we were forever. That the love was true and deep. And I can't not believe that. I never treated him badly, I loved him. I did lots of little things for him that he said no one had ever done for him before. He cried when he opened my christmas gifts to him because he said no one had ever made that much effort for him before. But now he's gone.

[LuCidiTy]

why do they tell us these things, then run? do the get scared? change their minds? i'm sure they mean it when they say it, but then things change...

 

those dreams are killer too...so real...yet not.

[Mouldylocks]

My therapist said he might have said them because that's how he WANTED it to be, not necessarily how it was But that makes no sense either, because if it's how he wanted it to be, he wouldn't have buggered off either

 

It's just confusing, and we're left here picking up the pieces of our shattered hearts and wondering what the hell it was all about.

 

I'm tempted to write him a (final) proper letter, telling him that I love him and want him back. Since he 'ended the relationship', I've been doing the 'I'm strong, I'm fine, I'm coping' routine in our sporadic email contact. I stupidly think he might not realise I want him back. I'm kidding myself, of course.......

 

We still have a key to each other's houses, I still have things of his here (all packed in a box because I couldn't bear to look at them), and he still has things of mine. I don't want to push that issue because then everything is very final. What can I say? I'm a wimp.

[sedona]

why do they tell us these things, then run? do the get scared? change their minds? i'm sure they mean it when they say it, but then things change...

Yeah, things change. I don't get it either, at least not on an emotional level. I'm just not programmed in the same way. I feel the same way towards him that I felt when he loved me too. But because he changed, then my feelings are no longer acceptable. Loving someone who loves you is right. Loving someone who doesn't love you is wrong, even though it's the same love and the same people involved.

 

We still have a key to each other's houses, I still have things of his here (all packed in a box because I couldn't bear to look at them), and he still has things of mine. I don't want to push that issue because then everything is very final. What can I say? I'm a wimp.

Giving the stuff back was really difficult for the very reason you say. It is so final. But again, that was only true for me. He felt that separating is only difficult when two people live together. For people like us who weren't living together, then it's just a simple matter of exchanging a few items and then it's over. Easy. My heart sunk when I heard that because for me it all meant so much.

 

How could he be so cold and unfeeling? He was so kind and warm before. And he does still like me.

 

He still has something I lent him. He has much more use for it, but it cost a lot of money and has sentimental value for me. I've asked him (twice) to leave it in my garage, but have yet to find it waiting for me. The day I find it there will be hard for me, because that's really the last tie I have to him, other than memories.

[LuCidiTy]

your therapist hit on one of the many possibilities, i suppose.

 

the letter thing leaves me so ambivalent...i wrote one. really, really needed to and was this close to sending it last week. then he made contact and all of a sudden everything changed and i had no desire to ever send it. then a few days later, i thought of some other possibilities, which would have totally invalidated what i had sent if i had sent it originally. so i just added to the letter. i say, as many people here seem to, write if it helps you sort through and clarify your feelings and the facts and possibilities as you know them. but use it for you.

 

and since when is hope or having a large heart wimpy?

[LuCidiTy]

Loving someone who loves you is right. Loving someone who doesn't love you is wrong, even though it's the same love and the same people involved.

 

yep. well put.

 

for a minute i did that emotionally driven i'll love you forever and wait forever thing in my head. now, it's no longer that profound. i still keep coming back to that nat king cole song...when i fall in love...

 

When I give my heart it will be completely

Or Ill never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too

Is when I fall in love with you.

the trick it seems...is that third line.

[sedona]

yep. well put.

 

When I give my heart it will be completely

Or Ill never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too

Is when I fall in love with you.

the trick it seems...is that third line.

Yes, the third line is tricky. I got fooled. I felt that he felt that way too. That's why I'm so hurt --turns out I was wrong.

[LuCidiTy]

same here. i was so sure this time too that he felt it first. oh well. life is nothing if not erratic and changeable.

[beta]

It really amazes me to read the posts here. Sedona, you really do sound like me! But so many of us are clearly going through the same things!

How sweet and loving and so there he was...until he wasn't!!! What's that about!!!!

Managed today!

I am having panic attacks now. They start round 2pm (When I am SURE he is home...not on site) and go till 5pm (1am) ...My heart feels like it sinks. I immediately feel VERY irritated. The slightest thing gets me off. My body trembles and my throat swells. I feel physically sick and can't fathom the thought of food. My therapist didn't call back today I don't even want to call friends anymore...it's been 3 weeks....they must be sick and tired of hearing about this!

Alone tonight....again! (Normally I have been booking someone to be with me in the evenings....if for nothing else, to occupy my mind!

I've been looking at finding silent retreats somewhere. I just need to pass these next 2 weeks....with NC!

I do feel better coming here...knowing I am not the only complete nutter out there! Can't we all just rent a cabin somewhere for a week and go there to heal?

Will that ever happen? (healing?)

I don't know whether to call a friend, therapist, astrologer or 911! But I can't call him .....I used to. I always could. He's not there now. Just gone.

Damm! x10000!

[Far Behind]

Hello everyone. Beta, i am so sorry for what you are going through; all of you. I still can't believe that my situation appears to have changed, but I am being very cautious. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get ya!

 

We spent the evening together last night. Due to his living with a roommate (an older woman) and my kids being home, we wound up in a motel! We felt like kids with no where to go, it was kinda funny. We spoke of very scary things. He said he loves me, doesn't want to be alone, was abslutely miserable with out me. I know I felt that way for the past 2 1/2 months. I told him how awful it feels to always wonder if he is going to disappear on me again. I said I'm sure I'll make you crazy, but he said I'm making myself crazier with it, which is true. I am having these mini-panic/anxiety attacks but so far he is still there and says he isn't going anywhere. Will I ever believe him?

 

I also wonder if I'm having "buyer's remorse" so to speak. I got all I have been wanting...do I still want it now that I have it? He said he would follow my lead as to timing, the kids, everything. So I told him we need to just go slow and with caution. He seems ok with that. I am not in any hurry to move past this dating phase with no talk of moving in or marriage. (That was what he did the first time around.)

 

I just wanted to post here because you guys have been so supportive of me and even though my situation has changed, it could revert back to what it was in an instant, so I don't want to say good bye!

[beta]

You all will think I am a complete nut case!

Listen, I am NOT the type to give up without a fight! Crazy? maybe! But somehow, I think he is scared ****less of me!

I'm going!

He will be back in his Country in one or two weeks. I am going there! Full stop!

I will take both his hands in mine and look him in the eyes and see if we have something!

I cannot sit here and wait and hope and wonder and and and and.....!!!!

This is NOT me! It never was!

Am I crazy!? Yeah. But I always have been!

One would think that was what he fell in love with! (to quote him on the first time he told me he loved me : "I love the fact that you are a complete nut case!")

Ha!

I am!

If he says no...will I hurt more? I really doubt it!

PLUS, I will move on knowing I DID do everything I could do to make this work!

If his eyes twinkle and his hands hold me tight? Then I will know that too!

 

Need to sort this out!

It's only a ticket and a little bit of time. Not worth NOT fighting for!

I'm going!

I need to find out when he arrives in his country though (either april 7 or april 14)

Will keep you posted!

[Far Behind]

Well, as one who refused to let go and now seem to have him back, if you feel strongly that you must do this, then go. But please please please be careful and take care of YOU, have a back up plan if things backfire in anyway.

[sedgwick]

Oh Beta...methinks this is only going to hurt you more. But do what you gotta do, I guess. Just make sure you have somewhere else to stay and people to be with.

[beta]

I know I know...

Still.....How long will i be like this? I cannot sit around here for another how many weeks? Imagine! Me going on (even though in the forefront trying to fool myself into carrying on) and just waiting...agonizing until we DO see each other in july!?

No way! I would rather get kicked in the teeth if that is really what it is! Imagine! If he really does stand there (this is the ONLY time I will entertain this outcome) and say to me that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me and that it was all just a mistake....then I will be able to express my passion and energy in other ways (mainly with objects flying from my hands being directed at him!) lol

no seriously, I am not going there to be put in prison! I'm telling him how I feel and he is going to react....one way or another ....there WILL be reaction! Which at this point, is better than NONE at all!

I haven't told our friends yet...will need them onboard...i'm sure they will be. WORSE case senarios I do have friends I can stay with all over the country...good on that one!

ONE week!

Now I need a plan! A place to see him! he cannot know until we're there. Neutral territory. If we meet at our friends, he may end up feeling ganged upon.

Am thinking a cabin ? hmmm no cabins really in the UK. Manors there are loads of! Pub? hardly! Want somewhere more intimate! Then how do I lure him there? (without him being suspicious?)

hmmmmmmmmmm

If I'm gonna be crazy...am going all out!

cheers for now!

Beta!

[Mouldylocks]

Well, my magical disappearing boyfriend (okay, ex boyfriend) emailed this morning. In reply to the last email I sent him 8 days ago. It was nothing about us - just relating another tale of the whacko behaviour of my narcissistic mother. So he replied. He did ask a couple of questions, but none that I really feel the need to reply to. He doesn't answer my direct questions - only a few of which were actually about 'us' - so screw it. After all, how can he miss me if I won't go away?!

[Walking away]

Good girl, Mouldylocks!

 

Not a word from mine since Monday.

 

But, I expected this. And with each day, I feel more peaceful.

 

I needed to removed myself from the emotional rollercoaster ride.

 

I do wonder if he thinks about me, though.

 

I guess not enough to come fight for me....

 

Oh well.

 

My prince charming will move mountains to be with me, not put them up!

 

[sedona]

Same here WA.

 

I hope that he thinks about me. So stupid! Human nature to waste time thinking such pointless thoughts.

 

I have calmed down some too since I last saw him and no longer expect to hear from him. I feel drained and oh-so-sad and still disbelieving. Still waiting to feel happiness, joy or anticipation again.

 

But the man in my life won't build walls to keep me out. He won't be thinking all the time about what he has to give up or change to be with me. He will want to be with me because we make each other's lives richer.

 

Now I just have to figure out how to know when I've found the real thing. I was so sure that this guy wanted the same things as me -- not because I assumed, but because we talked about everything and his actions also showed me that we were on the same wavelength. In the future, assuming I someday meet a man again, how will I ever be able to judge whether he's another guy who suddenly going to do an about-face on me?

[Walking away]

That is my fear too, Sedona.

 

I didn't see this coming either.

 

I, however, am repulsed by men right now. For the first time, I feel this way.

 

I have to believe that somehow I attracted this type of person to me. How I don't know.

 

But I am heading into therapy to get this thing figured out because this relationship was toxic to my mental health.

 

There is no hope with my man so that keeps me trudging the path away from him. He came back once before and we are right back to where we are again. The only difference is that I stopped things with a bang this time instead of letting things die with a whimper.

 

I am at a loss, too.

 

WA