beta Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 I don't know where you are in the world, but it sounds like you really want to be in England and that England is far away. I would say, if that's what you really want, if that's truly where your heart lives and what you really want, find a way to make it happen. Whatever it is you have to do to get there and build a stable career for yourself, do it. Spend some time chasing your dreams rather than this guy, and remember how much your kids love and need their mom, okay? This had me thinking sedgwick....WHAT is THE ONLY thing that one can tell me at this point right now that would make me happy? (a part from bf rocking up on bended knee?) It would be "you can move to England with the kids!" That would make me SOOOO happy! Right. So if that can't happen now? What if someone came over to me and said "Listen, I can't make this happen for you now but here is a signed document that is pretty guaranteeing that if you want to be in England in five years, I'll make that happen for you!" Would I be pleased? YOU BET! WHAT is that document? My law degree! For the past 3 weeks, I have been walking into the same house, logging on the same time, sleeping in the same bed and pouting the same way about the loss of my love, my best friend , my dreams. I (hopefully) have finally hit rock bottom! (I can only now hope to God that I don't get a restraining order sent against me for my obsessive behaviors!) This may sound drastic but drastic situations call for drastic measures! I am going to physically remove myself from this situation! By doing so, I am shutting possibilities out with the ex-bf (but I think I nailed that one on my last email anyways ) I've already spoken with ex-husband. Gave him a quick senario. The conditions will be tight. He has offered to pay more (in the past) if I would simply move to where he is! I gave him a quick picture. He sounded very pleased and very willing to do whatever it takes to get me to where he is! It will take me 5 years (though maybe 4!...just saw a possibility with the University!). My dreams with bf are gone! But I am not going to let my life dreams go down too! A friend of mine criticized me tonight by saying "why can't you just let him go in your head!?" Well, that hasn't been working very well for me in the past has it? AND WHAT is it that is showing me that if I keep doing what I am doing that I will get anywhere else? So this move is drastic. So be it! It will make my kids happy. My ex-husband happy and bring me a new dream to hang on to! (one that can't "change it's mind"!) I'll have to put the house on the market, find another one and apply to the program in the next few weeks. THAT alone should keep me sufficiently busy! I know I've been up and down before (I'm doing NC! to damm, I broke NC ) But I will check in tomorrow and the day after and the day after. Man alive this is just NOT how I want to be remembered! By no one! OH! I also ate today! need a new song.... gonna be a new day? gotta be something like that somewhere? cheers for now, Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 Go Beta, go Beta, go Beta!!! You sound like you have a workable plan and on your way to feeling better. Good for you! I, on the other hand, have possibly let my insecurities push the guy away again. Not that I'm insecure concerning him without reason. And we are communicating, but he sees me as being pushy, and I see me as being scared s'tless based on past happenings. So he sent me an email telling me how he thought I was being pushy and I responded with an email, followed by a card, that said essentially what I just said here, and said please don't give up on us. No response as yet, and I know not to contact him further. I know he isn't disappearing, he has told me he needs space. Why couldn't he have told me up front instead of aggravating my insecurities? I guess maybe we are doomed, but for goodness sakes we haven't really had a chance to get it right, either. I hope we can work past our issues, but I know I'm not going to be back where I was a few weeks ago. I will not call him or email him until he gets in touch with me, and he will. Or he won't. But either way, I'll be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) YES Beta, yes! Think about this: what were you doing 5 years ago? What were your biggest worries? How much do those things worry you now? I was thinking of this tonight while worrying over money. 5 years ago I was also worrying over money, but it wasn't the same money. Somehow all the stuff I had to pay back then got paid. Somehow my NYC rent has gotten paid every month for 5 years. I was also thinking about a guy I had a crush on 5 years ago, and how I couldn't even really remember what he looked like! My professional life back then caused me no end of stress and grief. I was at a job where I was utterly miserable, and I didn't get along with my boss. This whole big drama happened at my workplace and I got caught up in it, and that stress took up several months of my life. And does any of it matter now? No! Do I see any of those people anymore? No! Is my life better? Yes, because that was the job that made me say f*ck it, I'm writing a book, because that's what I really want to do. And now here it is 5 years later, and look, my book is sold and I'm supporting myself (barely) as a writer. I have an apartment in NYC with my name and only my name on the lease. And there is nothing else in the world I'd rather be doing. I am one of the few people who can say that they actually did achieve their life's dream, and the thing is, I got there because I busted ass. Anybody can do it if you're willing to work hard. I can guarantee you that if you continue your education and get your law degree, that will be the thing that will seem like your biggest accomplishment in life (after the kids.) So if what you really want is to go to law school and move to England, do it! You have to find an obsession to replace the guy. Having dated someone who was in law school when I was in college, I can tell you that they spend at least 80% of their time studying! Most of his nights were this: come home from school, eat dinner, study, have sex with me, study. Come to bed hours late. Get up early to study. Meanwhile, I was still asleep and had been since just after the sex. What country are you living in now? Edited March 30, 2008 by sedgwick Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Ugggg! Day 5 of NC.... I miss him today... Alot. Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 WA: to quote what you told me just today: go to that place that has you at peace. Pray. I have just had a night with my dear friend. She is like a surrogate mum to me. 65yrs old and has been there seeing me so low and confused for months! (even before bf came along! (with regards to my marriage)) I told her of my decision. Not realizing I had actually MADE the decision! I called my ex-husband just before she came over. He didn't have much time but I asked him for 5 min. I told him that I was thinking of options....He sounded very interested. I said my conditions would be very strict. He WILL have to pay support either way. He can do so after paying thousands of $ in legal fees and I will still stay here OR IF I go, it's 5 years. Full support. (financial) AND joint custody. The deal? It's OVER in five years! Not 13! I can rightly (in the name of the law) wallop in my depression and he'll still have to pay OR I get this sorted...get my law degree and he is FREE after that! He was willing to pay for a house for me to live in...I will pay him rent, this will all be agreed upon in writing, legalized and notarized. I will have the kids half the time (which allows me time to study and do "my" thing when they are with him and I truly believe I will be a better mum on "my weeks with them" with this arrangement) His house will be his to live in in 5yrs time and I will have options! Independant of a man. This will have to play out fairly quickly (putting the house on the market, finding a new one, applying to school etc...) so I'll be busy in the next little bit. He is calling me in the morning, (HE ALWAYS calls me when he says he will!) and we will work this out! My kids will have the best of both worlds! They will see both their parents on a regular basis and will see ME pursuing MY dream...not to their detriment, I might even be so self-indulging to suggest: possibly to their benefit! Do I think this happened for a reason? NO Did I love bf? With all my heart! Do I think he did me a favor? Not at all! Will I forget? NEVER But I have been backed into a corner. A corner that I am ashamed to admit I almost didn't come out of! Yup, irrespective of my past successes, trials, tribulations and even my three beautiful children, I went through 2 distinct nights these past few weeks where I could only see darkness...the worst kind. I have lived all over the place. Mainly in Canada (this is where I am now Sedgwick). I have been on my own since the age of 14 (now almost 35) and I make friends easily enough. Acquaintances really. I've always measured the true friends by the degree of vulnerability we have with them. This sounds cynical but so true. Those who really know you, all of you and your weaknesses yet choose to be there with you are your best friends. This may sound so contradicting on a forum where I have poured my deepest fears and feelings on so openly but I am not in the habit of opening up to people. Like I said, acquaintances, I have a ton of! Close friends? I can count on two hands. I think at different times in my life I have had different best friends. This is normal given that I have moved so much I think. These days my surrogate mum is my best friend. But these past few weeks, You all have been! Will I get over this man? I'm not sure. Right now, I don't think so. I hate that I sent him that psychotic email yesterday. I really don't want to be remembered that way. One day (maybe in July?), maybe he can see something else? Either way, this is not about him. It's about me and making the decisions that will make MY dream come true! With this arrangement, I will be able to spend 1 month a year in Europe (my closest friends are in the UK and in France) and this is where I want to be! When times get hard and studying gets mundane, I will find motivation with the plane ticket I will post on my fridge that will bring me back to where I want to be! I'm not leaving here. I want us to stay in touch (odd eh?) Eh! HA! There's my canadian thing coming out! lol WE should make a date! WE should! To meet over a glass of wine! (or two!) Did I mention I drink? lol Who's in? When? Aug? Will report in tomorrow. cheers for now, Beta (when we meet, i'd love to hear the stories of our names...I have one. I'm sure you all do too!) Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Beta: Good luck with your plans. I think (hope) that we're going through this for a reason. Maybe in the end you'll see that this crisis was what pushed you into making the decisions you're making now. Please don't bother being upset about your "psychotic" email. You can't change the past, you've been having an incredibly tough time, and that was your way of dealing with it. That's all. But don't do it again. If you're anything like me, then you'll still have moments of weakness. Don't contact him again, no matter how much you might be tempted. Leave your house and cell phone behind, go to a cafe and sit on your hands if you have to. Remember that he knows how to get in touch with you if he wants to, but he doesn't want to. You deserve so much more! Far Behind: I'm sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse. But him calling you pushy?!?! Aargh! Don't put up with that after what he's done. From your post, it sounds like you're handling it just fine. I hope you really are as strong as your last message made it seem! That's just great! WA: Yeah, me too. I am trying to stop thinking about all the good times we had and the things we said to each other, because that's when I really get sad. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. But I don't miss the uncertainty and sadness I felt with him in the last few months. Do you know what? Yesterday I talked to both my mom and dad, one after the other. They were divorced when they were in their 30s and I was a little girl. Turns out that when they were the age I am now, they both went through this type of thing. My dad didn't say all that much, but my mom's relationship was a typical textbook case commitmentphobe, with this back and forth style. Except for then there weren't textbooks written about this. She went to a therapist once when she was trying to deal with it, and all he said to her was "what's wrong with you!?!". So she went home and thought "What is wrong with me?" and got over it. I doubt it was really that simple, but maybe it seems like that in hindsight. I remember the people they were talking about, but I had no idea. They must have been going through the same rollercoaster emotional ride I am now, but as a child I was oblivious to it. Maybe this is part and parcel of my genetic inheritance? Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Sedona, interesting that you mention that. I know, from therapy, that I have abandonment issues. My guy didn't cause them, though he sure did aggravate the heck out of it. My parents split up when I was almost 8. My dad married 5 more times after my mom, and one of my greatest fears has always been that I would end up like my dad. So even though my 2nd marriage lasted 15 years, maybe I'm the commitmentphobe here, too, though I haven't thought about it like that. I never did hear from him last night, and realize that I may not for another day or so. I'm fine and my resolve is still strong, though I thought of more I want to say. If he calls, then I'll have my chance. Otherwise, it's just thoughts for me to continue my growth. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) Sedona, I am just like my dad (he is has been divorced for 20 years and can't commit). And I have an uncle and a brother who are hardened bachelors. I remember asking my uncle (who is 68 years old and never married) a few years ago why he couldn't settle down with one woman. (Now, understand that this man was in the local papers several years ago in an article about the most eligible bachelors in town) and he told me clearly that he wanted very much to be with one woman. He explained that he meets a woman and he really is into her....but then, when it is time to make a commitment, he fears that there is someone better around the corner. My brother is the same way. 40 yrs old, successful, good looking....and can't commit. They both saw me last summer and told me I was the female version of them. The only difference is that I at least TRIED to be married (I have been married twice). They said they didn't have the guts to get that far with a woman. I think there is some genetic predisposition to this. At least there is in my family. Lucky, lucky me. But, I am headed into therapy to tackle my issues. I am gonna beat this. Edited March 30, 2008 by Walking away Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 My brother is the same way. 40 yrs old, successful, good looking....and can't commit. Hmmm. Age is right. Successful, good-looking sound good. Wanna set me up with him? I'm sure that I could make him change! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Oh, I would love that! He, however, travels to the Ukraine all the time for business! Interested...? Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 An LDR with a commitmentphobe. At least I'd know his sister so you could kick him hard when he dumps me for no reason! Ask him what he thinks about Northern Europe. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 LOL! This guy rocks! But, I wouldn't date him in a million years. And I told him that. He just looks at me with this wierd stare when I tell him that he is a dating nightmare. LDRs with phobes suck. That is exactly what I just walked out of. I mean, really, if you can't make it work with a phobe long distance, you can't make it work ever! BTW, how are you doing? Although I am proud of myself for standing up for myself, I am hurting. Even though I absolutely KNOW I did the right thing, I half hoped he would be on his hands and knees crawling back to me by now. Geeesh.... This is harder than I thought. Day 6 of NC. Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 At this very second, I am doing okay. Thanks for asking. I go up and down all the time. To tell the truth, I really can't believe that I've heard the last of him and that thought helps keep me going now. One day, I think/hope/dream that he'll call. He must miss me. The only thing is, you're right WA. Even if he calls, he'll still be the same person with the same issues, unless he grows up a lot in the meantime. Something I don't see happening (again, except in my dreams). But the noise my kids are making is driving me absolutely crazy, more so than usual. Yoga class soon. Hope that will help. Other than that, I've arranged to go away in a couple of weeks. I'm going to work for a week in a village for mentally handicapped adults, a place where I worked about 17 years ago. It's in a beautiful location and they always need help so I won't be in anybody's way and I'll actually be doing something useful. It'll be a complete change from my present life with all sorts of new people, plus a few people who knew me way back when. I am so looking forward to it! The woman there who I spoke with was so grateful that I want to come and do this, and I am so grateful for being allowed to come. Win-win situation. And I hope that being there will make me appreciate my own home more. Now it's NC Day 8. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Oh good for you! I was asked to be a camp nurse for the month of July but my business is doing so well that I can't go! I really want to, though. It would be SO nice to get into the fresh air, ride a horse, swim, and get into a different environment.... With that said, I think that trip will be absolutely WONDERFUL for you. I am so jealous.... Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Aw, screw it! I can take a month off! Me thinks it would do me some good! You have inspired me! Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Oh, I would love that! He, however, travels to the Ukraine all the time for business! Interested...? I speak Ukrainian...lol! And I too could help him commit...to someone else! Haha! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I speak Ukrainian...lol! And I too could help him commit...to someone else! Haha! Sounds like a match made in heaven! Link to post Share on other sites
justine4 Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Hi, I've just been reading your thread. Logged onto the site for the first time after googling commitment/insecurity advice following breaking (sounds horrible) up with my boyfriend of 15 months. It was a relationship very similar to the one posted initially on here. We live 80miles apart but he travels most weekends to me, and I go to him on the other weekends. Holidays are spent together. I'd been married for 8 yrs and seperated 2 when I met him, and I was blown away. Its the knee-jerk kind of connection I hadn't realised existed until then (even with my ex-husband). We connected on every level. It was full on from the start - he suggested going away for a weekend on the very first date. Anyway, to cut a long story short, everything was going unbelievably well until 5 weeks ago when I wasn't supposed to be having my children for the weekend and something came up which meant their father couldn't have them, so I texted my bf (still don't wan2 say ex bf) and told him. He decided he might stay at home instead - hence, the can of worms was opened. I asked him not 2txt for a few days as I wanted to work things through in my head about how we could work out if he didn't want to be around my two children (he hasn't any). He begged me to let him come up afterall and talk it through, which I did, we did, and the outcome was he was scared how he'd be able to cope with responsibility if we where to move in together (I hadn't even mentioned that, or thought that far into the future - he had!) Anyway, we decided to carry on and maybe cross that bridge when/if needed. However, I got the impression that he was starting to pull away a little bit (not physically, but from a guy who texted me at least 10-15 times a day to only 3-4, but saying that he started to ring more on the phone) I gave it a couple of weeks to see and then, the weekend before last, I said to him I didn't think things where going to work out for us. Not that I loved him any less (I've never loved, and don't believe I ever could any man as much). I told him I felt like he was detaching himself a little bit (maybe I did too??) and I asked him to go back to where he lived instead of staying the evening at my house. We had a talk and he left. My heart was broken. I rang a friend who said the best thing to do was to not have any contact with him and let him realise what he was losing by being afraid of what problems might happen in the future (ie whether i'd move towards him, or him up here and what if he wasn't happy living away from home) I did this. He went home the saturday eve & on the sunday morning I got a txt saying he felt guilty. I told him not to,but I hope his fears of the unknown wouldn't stop him from going further in life, and that I hope he wouldn't get to 60 and look back at a pile of 'what ifs'...) I finished the text though saying if he got over his fears, then & only then contact me, otherwise, for him not to contact me at all again. I didn't reply to next few texts then a couple of hours later, he texted and said I was right and he really wanted to give us, as a couple, a really good go. He spent a day persuading me to go for a few days away with him last week. I did and it was pure bliss. Then we got talking last night and he asked if we'd both taken a step back. This then escalated and we ended up finishing on the phone. I txted this morning asking to meet halfway to talk & he said he wasn't up2 it but we should talk on the phone. We talked for an hour and then he said he knows how much he loves me, he hasn't felt this way about anyone before (I know this is the case, his friends/family would back this up) but what should we do as he has a lot of things going on in his head (he did have a car accident years ago which left him with depression sometimes) He said he wanted us to be together, and wanted me around all the time, and the distance meant we couldn't. He asked if we're maybe clutching at straws trying to make it work because of how much we feel. I don't know. What I do know is that he was the one looking into the future for us. Anyway, it was decided it'd prob be best to leave things as he knows how to handle retreating back into his little world, even though he's not happy with it - he has difficulties coping with life sometimes if it moves out of the familiar. I feel devasted now. I can't cry properly as I feel in shock. Its unbelievable how, when we do feel how we do, that rather than moving forward in the future, and coming out of 'his comfort zone' hes putting us both through being thoroughly miserable and throwing it all away. I got texts then from him saying he loves me soooo much and will remember every minute of us, that its very hard for him, and to remind me he's always going to be there for me anytime I want. I then get another saying how much he really cares for me and please rethink not staying in contact and I deserve the best as he knows how good I am. SORRY, THIS IS LIKE WAR & PEACE NOVEL, BUT ITS LETTING ME GET IT OUT.... Any thoughts about any of this - i'm hurt and confused... Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I speak Ukrainian...lol! And I too could help him commit...to someone else! Haha! Hey Lucidity! Quit trying to cut in on my turf! I've got first dibs on him! You can have him when he's done with me. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Hey Lucidity! Quit trying to cut in on my turf! I've got first dibs on him! You can have him when he's done with me. hey! I was only trying to help you! tag team it, ya know? lol! Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Aw, screw it! I can take a month off! Me thinks it would do me some good! You have inspired me! Wow WA. You're pretty cool. I'm looking forward to going, and I haven't looked forward to something for a long time! Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 something to look forward to always helps. i think i'm still at the point of running away from everyone and everything. going through the motions, wearing a mask of normalcy, hoping that eventually, that will become the reality. help me out in my new topic? not having such a great weekend here Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 hey! I was only trying to help you! tag team it, ya know? lol! Ok, sorry. You're a genius!!! You know, this could be the perfect solution to deal with a commitmentphobic man. When he starts distancing himself from me, then you get him. And when he gets scared of you, then I get him. Hmmm. But then he gets 2 women. So does that mean that he'd be rewarded for being ambivalent? Or punished? Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 haha...so there are some kinks to work out! Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Guess what!? NO panic attacks today!!!! The plan is still the same! Spoke with ex-husband briefly this morning. Listened to the saddest song ever! (Goodbye by Gabrielle!) As I was learning to play "Rise" on the guitar. Rise is good. Goodbye is bloody torture! BUT...the clock hit 2pm and I didn't panic I so think you should take the month WA! Do it! People will love you for it! Sedona and Lucidity: you realize you're thinking of dating another man?! How cool is that?! Justine4: ****. This sounds so cynical but things will get worse before they get better Call in support NOW. (At least, as you read, you are not alone!) No dibbs on meeting at a cabin with a few bottles of fine wine? lol Of course I got NC. I don't expect I ever will I just had a chilling thought though...the day he is with someone else Oh God...can't think of that now. Besides, I know too dammed well he'll never have what we had. And if he has better, then I can honestly say that I will be happy for him. I do love him. Of that I am sure. However, As Gabrielle puts it in the chorus of Rise: Look at my life Look at my heart I have seen them fall apart Now I'm ready to rise again Look at my hopes Look at my dreams I'm building bridges from these scenes Now I'm ready to rise again xx Beta Link to post Share on other sites
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