LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 haha, beta..i was pretending! i can't even stomach the thought right now downloading that song now...i can't wait to cry...again. glad you're feeling strong today! something for us all to look forward too. *hugs Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Sedona and Lucidity: you realize you're thinking of dating another man?! How cool is that?! I just had a chilling thought though...the day he is with someone else Oh God...can't think of that now. Beta Yeah beta, We're thinking of sharing an LDR with an ambivalent man. That's sure to be a story with a fairytale ending! I bet you could get in on it if you want! Btw WA, is he also wealthy? That would be a definite plus And that chilling thought is something you should try to put out of your mind. The thought of my guy with someone else- with all its implications --makes me nauseous. I doubt he's going to start dating anyone anytime soon, but I just don't want to know anything about it. Just like I don't want to hear about everything else he's doing in his life and how easy it all is for him. That's great on the NC. That's really great! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Unfortunately, the strength comes and goes... Each day brings a new feeling. I am not contacting him but I feel weakened. But, I will persevere. Quietly and calmly, I will persevere.... Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Yep, Sedona, my bro is wealthy. And attractive, and smart, and independent, and fun, and entertaining. And very, very commitmentphobic. I tell you....he is a nightmare for women. He got hurt once in college (caught his girl in bed with his friend) and he hasn't ever been the same. He dates, but he attracts women with real issues (I've met one...total flake). I wonder what he would do with a strong, independent woman. It would probably knock his socks off.... Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 justine4, I'm not quite sure I get it. You write that you had the impression that he was pulling away. Was he really? And that he was scared first by your kids and in the end about the distance. Any chance of the distance changing one day? Is he the one who really started pulling away or were you the one who got nervous first and he ended up reacting to you? Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I wonder what he would do with a strong, independent woman. It would probably knock his socks off.... Ha! I thought that I was a strong, independent woman and look at me now! Oh well. Sigh. I guess I won't put all my hopes on your brother and work on myself instead. Tonight that means ice cream and "Sex and the City" reruns. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Wow WA. You're pretty cool. I'm looking forward to going, and I haven't looked forward to something for a long time! I think a change of scenery is a good thing at this time in our lives. It certainly gives us something to look forward to! Another great book to read: Get Rid of Him by Joyce Vedral... Tells you how to get on with your life and not settle for less than you are worth... I've read that book so much that the binding is broken! Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Don't download Goodbye!!!! Download RISE! I swear Sedona, you are me on a different continent! (I presume?) Am getting ready. Haven't showered in ...damm.! I have a talk to give in a couple of hours! Thank God I don't have a fear of public speaking ! This has been planned for months! Of course I thought I had a while to prep but then I got dumped and fell into a massive massive depression wondering if I would even wake up (when I would get myself intoxicated enough to just fall asleep!) Sooooooo these people know me for the strong and confident woman I thought I was! URGH. If they only really knew None the less. Must shower, shave my legs, do my hair and put on a skirt and heels! No time right now for panic attacks...that would be utterly embarassing! Tomorrow will be a test of my resolve. I knew today was about this talk so have been a bit busy with that. Tomorrow I have to follow through with my plan (start making calls etc....) And wait for that bloody 2pm to roll around (panic attack) Oh wait! i'll be with my therapist then! Cool! Do you think one day we'll be better off? really? better off? RISE! RISE! ....where are we all? (is that ok to ask or say?) Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) You go Beta! We all sound like strong, confident women. And we are! My gosh! Look at us.... I would bet my butt that we are all incredibly attractive, too! Let our LIVES raise our self esteem! We have alot to offer the world! Screw the men that can't see it! And the men for us would NEVER let us go! We don't want anybody that doesn't want us! Right...? We are awesome women! Beta, I hail in the sunny, warm state of Arizona. Edited March 30, 2008 by Walking away Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I would bet my butt that we are all incredibly attractive, too! Beta, I hail in the sunny, warm state of Arizona. Well, I'm pretty gosh-darned attractive. At times, in any case. Arizona, huh. Sedona. The only town in the world where McDonald's golden arches are teal. That's why I picked this name. I'm in Norway. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Sedona... The most beautiful and mystical town in Arizona. Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Sedona... The most beautiful and mystical town in Arizona. Yup. That's another reason I picked the name. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 You go Beta! We all sound like strong, confident women. And we are! My gosh! Look at us.... I would bet my butt that we are all incredibly attractive, too! Here is what I wrote on that subject last night. Long but it was my attempt to state the facts of the situation: i keep thinking he's replaced me, but then i think about what a seriously awesome girlfriend i was and i think, no way. he hasn't found someone else with whom he has frightening amounts of weird things in common. he hasn't found another girl who wears crazy vintage clothes like he does. he hasn't found someone else to knit for him, dance for him, give him massages, make him home-cooked meals when he comes in off the road, have sex with him in the back of the van, and hide love notes in his suitcase. he hasn't found another girl to carry his records up the stairs, help him do his piles of laundry, and surround him with her half-naked undulating friends on a regular basis. he has not found a girl who does all of this and has another career besides, another activist girl, another older woman with more education in the same subject. he hasn't found another tattooed big-lipped steel-bunned girl with dreadlocks. he hasn't found another woman with a terrace and no roommates in manhattan. he hasn't found another woman who (REALLY) doesn't want kids and doesn't need a man with a stable job, and who, furthermore, prefers when her men go away sometimes, so all that touring is no problem. or at least, i would think it is highly unlikely he's found someone else who is all of those things or even really any combination thereof. he might have found a hairy chick who plays the fiddle, indeed, but i do not think that in eight months' time he has replaced me. there is NO WAY that he will not remember me. what he had with me doesn't come along very often, and i know that. i KNOW all of the above things are objectively true. i was the sixth woman he's ever slept with in his life. he's not out banging some chick, he's out in bassland. it would appear that is his coping mechanism of choice for whatever's going on in his head. i think he felt he had to choose between me and music, because for whatever reason, he thought he could only have one. these last few statements are total speculation. i stopped stating the facts there. okay, back to the facts. he is an abnormally skinny man. he is rapidly balding. he smokes. he smells bad. he has this weird lump on the side of his neck (that's not funny.) it hurts to hug him. he's obsessive beyond anything i have ever witnessed if he is your boyfriend, you will not see him 2/3 of the time, and when you do see him his glasses will be held together with paper clips because he couldn't stop playing music. these are just a few reasons why a chick would not want to hook up with him. it's weird, i'm giggling as i write this at the thought of him as a chick magnet, but then i spend all this time worrying that he's naked in a creek with some really hot girl in some state with virginia or carolina in the name, basking in this glorious, perfect love worthy of a margarine or herbal essences commercial. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Sedg - I love what you wrote! You, like me, have spunk! And he will never forget you. That I can assure you. You sound SO cool! Chin up, girl! Some man is gonna thank his lucky stars that you didn't end up with Mr. Smelly, Lumpy (I'm not laughing) Bass Player. Does he really paperclip his glasses!? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 He really walked around with his glasses held together with paper clips until I dragged him to the store to get new ones. And when they were done, I went and picked them up, because he was on the road playing music. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I love it! His loss, baby! Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Sedgwick: Too cool! You are SO right!? (who the hell would sleep with a smelly bass player with a lump in the back of a van???) LMAO! Seriously! HOW is it that you KNOW (we know) that they have ALL they could ever dream of and f*ing walk away?! (sorry WA, no pun intended!) I am very hot! (at least the heads turning on the street tell me so!) I run marathons, am ambitious, LOVE to cook and take care of people! I am understanding and encouraging...and had more sex on cam with him than he's ever had in his life! Did crazy things and am game to do more! I understand I.T., business, finances and play the guitar for crying out loud! We love the same people (our best friends) and they love US! We have intellectual talks about data acquisition software, interface cables and discuss conspiracy theories and debate the landing on the moon! Then we laugh! Histerically at his debockled love affair with coka-cola! I make soap for crying out loud! Sent him care packages from across the world of hand made granola bars and custom concocted shampoo for his psoriasis! DAMMIT! Which sexy intellectual sex kitten will he ever find that can challenge his intellect and keep up with him on the slopes? Back pack thru Africa and make him proud in a Ball gown at a posh work event. WHO? Idiot! no one! Why can't you just LOVE what you love and not walk away? He is a beef eating (I'm vegetarian), coke drinking, stubborn workaholic! Who would put up with that? I did. I would. Why? Love.... and you walk away? Did my talk. It went well. Almost didn't think of him...until I did! double dammit. My ex-husband is not happy. He wants to fight me on my proposition! JESUS! Will this fighting ever end? Emailing my lawyer now. ---I'm in Northern Canada! Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Caught this post pretty late but I can relate to a lot of it, especially Walking’s posts. I think we both are the bitches in Why men love bitches. Although I don’t know that I necessarily subscribe to the cp theory in all cases (too many people would be cp), I did get a hell of a lot of laughter out of Jeff Mac’s site about the romantic and other manslations. The guy knows his stuff. My situation is slightly different, however, because mine didn’t ever “vanish.” He got kicked out. 4 times now, I guess. I wonder if that’s why he keeps coming back. Sigh. Sorry this is long, ladies. I wrecked my new bmw convertible, I have whiplash, I'm bitter, and I have a lot of time on my hands. Met several years ago. I paid no attention to him as I had about 3 other guys I was flirting with. He spent a few months trying to flirt (he’s an introvert, so I had no idea) and when he finally got my attention, made a few blunders that caused me to reject him. Soundly and repeatedly. Finally, he figured out that he had to be nice and we went out. Dated a while, got close pretty quickly. Eventually became intimate. Shortly thereafter mentions he wanted to move. (He had lied that he would be here for school for 'at least another 2 years') Break up #1. I wished him well, kicked him out nicely. Caught him on my doorstep with tears in his eyes. 4 days later he started up by leaving roses on my doorstep. Asked for another chance and that he wanted to see where it would lead. He was contrite. I was stupid. I gave it to him. We have fun, date and later, he utters the L word. I pretend to not understand. A few days later he mentions that he’ll never stay where I’m living and wants to leave. Break up #2. Not as nice, I tell him to take a leap and have a good life. He asked me if I’d consider going with him. I say no. I make an incredible living, and even though I could afford it, wasn’t willing to go because he wouldn’t try staying a little longer. Plus, I mentioned that I didn’t want to move where he was going, but mentioned another place that I would consider. 6 weeks go by. He finds out where I’m hanging out since I’ve avoided him completely. I ignore him. He pursues. I’m dating someone else, very new. He looks like he’s lovesick because competition makes him want me more. I toy with him a little, cos he deserves it. He doesn’t get anything from me but friendship. But when I let him back in just a little and we’re hugging, he tells me he’s going the next weekend to check out the new place he wants to move to. Goodbye #3. I tell him I wish I had never met him and that I never want to hear from him again. He looked like a lovesick puppy. I had never really raised my voice before, so when I let him have it, he was shocked. He kind of looked turned on, truth be told. A year and a couple of weeks later, I get an email. I knew I would and a few weeks before, I wondered why the hell I hadn’t heard from him. I knew that I had gotten to him. But he offered an apology without regret. He was saying he made the right choice, so I told him he did. Told him I bought a house (i.e. I’m never going to move now buddy). Told him I was learning to trust again (i.e. dating someone better than him.) asked him a few questions, got no response. Didn’t care. I was mad that his apology was a sincere nonapology, but also happy that I had found someone else who I thought was more of what I needed. Turned out I was wrong. Broke up with that guy 2ce because he was a psycho and player. Second time, 6 months after the email, I immediately called the ex. It took me a long time, but I told him the story. He was supportive, concerned and protective. He immediately started talking about me coming to visit him. Normally I wouldn’t have agreed, but he lives in the place above that I said I would consider living. Of all 50 states, he moved to the place I considered moving to. Coincidence? I got cold feet. He talks me back in. I immediately regret it when I get there. But we have a great time. He treats me like a princess. He's teh nurturing, unconditional loving parent I've never had. Everything’s going well. We’re talking hypothetical me moving out there, him getting a house. More likely, me getting a house for him. I’m now at a point in my career where I can retire and move wherever I want and he suspects that. However, he's laying things out on HIS TERMS. Funny how that works since he's a potsmoking desk clerk that is still undecided on his undergrad. He gets a little jealous of a couple of guys that are hitting on me. Things go downhill a little. But he’s still trying hard. The night before I leave, I let go a little and I hold his hands and we cuddle. I make it clear that I don’t want sex but that he can stay since his roommate kicked him out for the night. He tells me he can’t stay because….. he’s “sort of seeing someone else.” I ask him to leave. Tell him I’d like to think highly of him, but his actions are shady. He points the finger back at me and says “well you’re the one that said you just wanted to be friends.” On return, I emailed him a polite thank you, think you were wrong to do it, but I wish you well and am glad you’re happy. He responds, ignores responsibility, makes a few jokes. I ignore it. He writes again. I ignore it. Will I hear from him again? I would be willing to put 10k on it. Will I ever give him another chance? I’m willing to put a lot more on that being a negative. If you’re still awake from getting this far (these are the cliff notes), this guy freaks out every time we hit a milestone. I.e. we become intimate. He backs off. He says he loves me. He backs off. He thinks maybe he has me. He backs off. I sense that he tests me because he needs to feel wanted (well that and he emailed me that he does that). He recently admitted that he cheated on his first girlfriend, because he didn’t want to marry her. He just doesn’t want to be tied down. I never really knew who this guy was, because I never thought he was the cheating type. I don’t care what his excuse is, he’s dysfunctional. I don’t care if he’s a cp, he’s unstable. I do care that he goes out of his way to let me know that when he left he was still thinking a lot about me. Let me know he got his haircut when I came to visit, because I mentioned that he was cute with short hair. Still had my company’s ticker on his phone. Still paid attention to everything that goes on here, where I live. And MOVED TO MY DREAMPLACE. Honestly, I think part of the reason that he can’t let go, is because he never conquered me. Every time he yanked my chain, I walked away. But he’s on notice cos I’m letting him go. Again. 2 years ago it hurt like hell, but now, I see his issues for what they are. Not some poor wounded guy who’s just been beaten up by life. His life has been easy compared to most, especially mine. He’s a baby that refuses to grow up and plays the victim. He also wants to be the nice guy. That’s why he invited me to visit. FOR ME. LOL. That’s why he cuddled with me and held hands. FOR ME. he’s just that nice of a guy that he can’t kick someone when they’re down. My point is, when you really look at the way these guys have handled things in black and white, without the rose colored glasses and projection of who you are, or who you’d like them to be, you’ll realize that the guy’s just a F L A K E. mostly, I think it’s a guy who really loves the idea of being in love or pursuing it, but you may not fit the picture of what they thought they wanted. Or the guy likes the excitement of the beginning, but not necessarily the vanilla part of the relationship. Either way, he’s a flake, and imo a liar. Take off the glasses. This ain’t it. ps. I didn't know he was a pothead loser the first time we dated. That did help a lot in gaining perspective since I'm a yuppie overachiever. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) You guys crack me up! Ok... Here goes... When my honey and I went out, it was the real life version of Beauty and the Beast. He looks like Shrek. He acts like Shrek. But, yeah, he turned me on. Where else will he find a blonde bombshell (been asked to model but declined several agencies) who graduated valedictorian of her nursing class with 5 kids in tow? Or a woman who looks 15 years younger than her age....sporting a few discreetly placed tats and a bellyring? (And, oh yeah, no stretch marks ) And get this, Sedg...I bellydance. According to him, I am the perfect mix of naughty and nice.....girl next door turned tramp in the bedroom....(He said I have an angel face with a devil's body....) He calls me an angel who oozes sex...an enigma... I found a niche in the medical field which enables me now to own my own company (which is very, very lucrative), work part time as charge nurse in the best hospital in town, have tons of friends, dated a celebrity (whom I didn't feel chemistry with yet whom I am still friends with), get asked out all the time by men, get treated like a queen in every relationship I've ever been in... UNTIL.....him. He is emotionally scattered, chunky, bald, crabby, inconsistent, unreliable, and entirely too moody for my sunny disposition.... He is a flake and can't seem to make up his mind about anything stable in his life. Yet he tells me that he is so turned on to me on so many different levels...(Damn right he is!) emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually...(Yep, he told me this word for word last weeK) but is still obviously able to let me go....(Yeah, that's a real smart move, dude) Has a myspace page with tramps and crack whores that post to him.....real trash. (Whatever does it for ya, buddy...) Yep... Me thinks these men are outclassed and out of their league... Edited March 31, 2008 by Walking away Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I am actually laughing! HARD! Lol! WTF? We are all hot, articulate (duh!), intelligent, mature sex goddesses that have been dumped by insecure, ungrateful men!!!! HOW (I beg!) HOW on earth did this happen? It's not like any of us are afraid of not finding "A" man again...I'm sure we can get tons at the door...it's "him!" THAT ONE! Hang on.... What if? Oh God...COULD this be true? What if WE are the ones wanting what we can't have? Even those of you who have had him coming back never really felt like "he was back". Is it possible that we felt all along that "he might not stay"? Was he a challenge? Are we playing their game? Then I remember...I remember the precise moment that the last brick of my perverbial wall came down and "I believed" simply and utterly believed. But I still loved him more than ever.... damm. there goes that theory Am happy to entertain other ones though! Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 ps. I didn't know he was a pothead loser the first time we dated. That did help a lot in gaining perspective since I'm a yuppie overachiever. I'm a pothead overachiever. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 You guys all sound like amazing women. I too look pretty damn good for my age...just turned 50 2 weeks ago. This guy has turned me into a bowl of xanax-popping jelly. He claims he loves me (and I believe him as far as that goes) but his own issues are going to get in the way of making a serious go of things. We had an intense evening on Thursday, soul-baring. I have not spoken to him now since Friday, though there was email on Saturday saying he thought I was acting pushy (?) and he needed some alone time. All I wanted from him was advance warning of when he wants alone time so I don't panic and think he disappeared again. Does that seem like a lot to ask? I know I probably just need to tell him this isn't going to work, but when I know we both love each other, it's hard to walk away. But love is not enough at our age to sustain it. He has financial problems right now that he is working on solving. Maybe when he gets his act together we can try? I don't know. I have felt anxious all weekend but did not act on my impulse to contact him. It isn't like before when I didn't think I would hear from him, because I know I will. I have to make the decision here to let it go on like this or not. Your descriptions of some of your guys were hilarious. Mine happens to be nice looking, funny, polite...and immature. Kind of like an overaged teenager I guess. And in the rock 'n roll industry I guess that's a plus, but it doesn't necessarily work outside of there. WEll, I'm off to work after a week off for spring break. I teach elementary school and I'm NOT looking forward to returning today. Link to post Share on other sites
Mouldylocks Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Far Behind - he told you he wanted alone time, so that's an improvement from the 'not telling you and just disappearing', right? I'm not saying you should tolerate it (but I would lol), but at least it's a tiny baby step in the right direction? I'm missing my ex badly today. The sun is shining here, just the sort of day where we'd take my dog for a long walk, holding hands, not talking, just enjoying each other's company I can't help but remember. The love I have for him is abiding and true - I sometimes wish it weren't so. I haven't replied to his email from Saturday, and am fighting the urge. I want to tell him so many things and it breaks my heart that I just can't. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I broke down, and after 4 months, I broke contact after finding he had cheated on me. I told him exactly what I thought of him. I had been silent too long. I don't care what the out come is, I just wanted him to know that I knew. Period. I wanted him to know that I see him for what he really is, because he's acting like prince charming with everyone in his life, his parents, his new girl, his sisters, and his friends, he's a liar, and I wanted him to know that I know. I don't care about him anymore and I am done......and believe me when I say that is true. I just wanted him to know that I knew what he did. Tell me it was alright to do that finally, because it sure as sh** felt good. Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Today is really hard. I thought that sure, he has to miss me. But you know what? He doesn't. If he missed me, then he'd call and my phone's not ringing. It's the first week since the breakup that I've been alone. I feel lost. And sad. I wish I could tell you that my ex was ugly, that no woman would ever give him a second glance. But he's really good-looking, he's kind, he's a good listener, he can talk about all sorts of subjects.... The only problem is that he fell in love with me and then changed his mind, and I can't get over it. I really miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
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