Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[sedona]

And I really, really, really want to call him. Or visit him. I know he's at home now.

 

But no, I'm not going to. If I ever talk to him again, then I want in to be when I'm strong again, not in some moment of weakness when I can't stop crying.

 

When will that be?!?!?!

 

He doesn't care enough for me. Too painful.

[Mouldylocks]

Sedona, I'm in the same place today. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

I wish I could convince myself that this really is it for him and I. I wish I could make myself believe it's truly over, forever.

 

I want to talk to him, I want to reach out and say "I'm here, I love you". I just cannot believe it ended how it did, or when it did. Forever meant nothing.

[sedona]

No, that's just it. I can't convince myself that it's really over. No arguments ever. Good friends. Great sex. No practical problems standing in the way. It's just....over. How am I supposed to accept that? I miss him. I was so happy when I was with him. He was happy with me too.

[LuCidiTy]

weird how that happens, isn't it? perfect then done. and we can speculate all day and read a thousand books, but there'll never really be an answer or any closure.

[LuCidiTy]

it's funny...in reading sedgewick's almost hilarious thread, i think back on how NOT attracted to him i was when we first met and how my instinct said forget about it. but he wriggled his way in and grew on me. then poof. that kinda chafes now too.

[sedona]

it's funny...in reading sedgewick's almost hilarious thread, i think back on how NOT attracted to him i was when we first met and how my instinct said forget about it. but he wriggled his way in and grew on me. then poof. that kinda chafes now too.

I was attracted to this guy from the very first minute. Still am.

Oh, today is hard!

[LuCidiTy]

I was attracted to this guy from the very first minute. Still am.

Oh, today is hard!

 

yeah...it's kinda weird going to sleep (or trying to) not knowing if tomorrow is going to be hard or okay, isn't it? this whole weekend was hard.

[cat-power]

Been lurking here a while...but I signed up especially because of this thread !

 

Amazing how much we have in common !

 

Sorry for the long read, but here is my story- I havent heard from him in a month now, and i'd sooner chop my hand off than use it to dial his number

 

how we met: made first contact by (unintentionally) bumping into him rather hard. I was pissed off at something at the time and bursting through a hallway like a mad bull. Naturally I had to say i was sorry...but to be honest I didn't take much time for that as i was still mad as hell :-) The next day (unbelievable but true) the exact same thing happened....and that was it, from that minute he was on my trail for 5months and moving out of the country didn't even help, he tracked me down :-)

I didn't want a relationship, but I finally went out with him. The 5 months of flirtations etc. and the fact dat we did get to know eachother well at work resulted in a couple of wonderful hours in my bed- he kissed me first, and we tore our clothes off like there was no tomorrow.

I then told him it was a great one-night stand (as he was leaving the country in 1 day as well) and that we'll now never see eachother again. He didn't buy into that, and wanted to keep contact (this was 24th october 2007)

- Het came back to see me after one month and wanted us to be exclusive.

- I was gonna go over to the UK to see him, but until now he hasn't been able to give dates, mostly because of work + his ex likes to dump his kid over at his place just about every weekend.-

-During this time I nearly broke it off twice because of lack of contact (I think one call or text a week is minimum !)He absolutely did not want this- and communication has been a lot better.

- his busy life: he's top executive in Oil-Gas industry, drives to work on Monday morning2.5hrs stays in hotel, evening meetings and dinner with clients etc., drives home friday night then picks up his kid (another 1.5hr drive) and drops him off sunday.

 

]My email: I sent him this, because I was tired of it all- wanted **** or bust with "mr Big"

 

Dear Mike,

Just to get one thing clear: i'm not angry or upset with you, that's not the reason for this email. I would call you, but everytime I do you either don't pick up or you're off to dinner, meeting etc

 

I'm quite sure things would have worked out differently if you had stayed in Belgium, or if we hooked up sooner- maybe it wasn't meant to be. I also wish I could see you one last time- but from the end of November until now, you haven't been able to make one weekend available for me to come see you, just 2 days in 3 months time, so I guess it isn't going to happen. In all this time, i've never heard anything from you during any weekend, it's like you go off the face of the earth. Even when I send you a message saying I fell off my horse....nothing...not even a "are u ok ?" Actions speak louder than words- or in this case, lack of action.

Do you realise what this looks like/feels like from my point of view ? I feel like priority nr. 100 on your list. If one of my (girl) friends told me this I would tell her to get the hell out because this guy must be "playing house" with someone else over the weekend.

I really don't want to end this, but if it is to continue, I need to know what is going on and why you want to keep me around, because at this moment I haven't got a clue. I would have liked to see where it took us. I don't want to marry you, I don't want your kids- but I do think we could be great together in some form. But it has to come from both sides especially since you will be in the UK for some time. I could have dealt with that if there was more communication and a visit now and then. With more communication I don't mean daily phonecalls, I can do with 1 a week, but some aknowledgement of my existence when I text you would be nice

 

You're a great guy, I hope the girl you end up with appreciates that. Wish it were me, but from here it looks like you don't feel that way.

----------

Edited March 31, 2008 by cat-power

[sedona]

Cat-power, You did just the right thing. I really wish I could have been so clear. Did he ever answer your email? Was this the last contact you had with him? Did you send this email a month ago?

 

And did you really manage to read through this entire thread? That in itself is pretty impressive!

[cat-power]

Hey Sedona,

I sort of knew I would only have one chance to "say it all" I figured he would take his "sweet time" to reply.

And no, I haven't heard from him in a month. Somehow though..i'm quite sure he will "come back" . In a meantime I will do some powertraining to make sure the door I will slam in his face, will really hurt !

 

Truth is, I would love things to work out- but I will not be treated like this! I'm 36, I still turn mens heads, have my own house and business- I don't need him (but man do I WANT HIM !)

 

I also bought" why men love bitches " and discovered I was already a bitch

 

It seems to me all of these guys have issues that they can't get their heads around....and we're the victims.

 

There's this old Fleetwood Mac song (Sara) that haunts my mind every minute of the day:

 

Wait a minute babe, stay with me a while

Said you'd give me light, but you never told me about the fire....

 

Drowning, in a sea of love, where everyone, would love to drown

Now it's gone, it doesn't matter what for, but when you build your house

Call me...home

[sedgwick]

The worst part of it now for me is how I miss the collaboration. We had such great conversations about music and dance and philosophy, we thought so much the same. I knew I could count on his opinion, and I'd go hear him play music, and my thoughts about whatever I was working on would fall into place. It was just so much fun being together.

 

I wish he could do sound for my film. I wish I could ask him questions about microphones right now. But I can't, because HE HAS DECIDED IT WOULD BE BETTER NOT TO KNOW ME.

 

Over and over, a thousand times a day, my brain butts up against the question What the f*ck did I do? Like, did he REALLY THINK that when you have that much in common with someone, when you finally meet someone who totally loves you for you, supports you, and thinks you're the sexiest thing on earth, the thing to do is tell yourself you can do better and completely cut that person out of your life? That makes no sense, so I must have done something. But you drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what, and over and over you come up against: nothing. You didn't fight, didn't cheat, didn't lie...so what was it? And nothing there makes any sense either. So it's like being constantly trapped in this little cell running into one wall and then the other, back and forth, for eight months and going strong, exhausted and in pain but unable to stop.

 

Last night I dreamed we were back together. AGAIN. I was kissing him and then my eyes were open and I was drenched in sweat and alone in bed. Several times last week I woke up in the middle of the night from dreaming of him and threw up. This is just ridiculous. I have no frame of reference for this, so I have no idea when or if or how it ends.

[macon]

That's a really interesting post - do you really have absolutely no idea why he decided not to see you again? I mean, my ex had many of his own problems that I think contributed to his perspective on our relationship, but although I therefore think his view was warped by his own baggage, I understand why he dumped me, from his perspective with his baggage.

[beta]

Man Alive this is really freaky!

 

I knew I was seeing my therapist today. Up until now, we've only talked on the phone (and took some time just to put her "in the know"). Maybe that's why tears seem to flow freely as I was trying to get ready and make myself look presentable in public? (something that has required more energy lately than running my marathon)

 

Before my appointment, I was doing a quick food shop (something I don't particular enjoy at the best of times!) and BAM! Panic attack again! My throat was swelling, hands shaking and tears welling up faster than my ability to pull a tissue from my handbag.

God I miss him! I need his advice right now. He always had that quick reply to just about anything I can ask. I am pretty quick and witty and am oftened described that way but this one matched me! He "wow'd" me and did so every single day for months!

I want to call him so bad. I flip open my phone and call someone else instead. Just to keep me busy.

I'm not waiting for the phone to ring anymore, I SO want it to! But the truth is: I wonder if he's thinking of me at all? But how could he not?

How is it that every waking moment seems to be consumed of thoughts of him and "what could be"?

Like many of you, nothing happened! No lying, no cheating, no fights! THEN WHAT?

 

My therapist is a friend of mine. She is good though and knows I know most of what she is going to throw at me. As she speaks, I realize that she is using DFE (Drama for effect). I know this. But somehow, it's helping....

I kept thinking all this time "If only I hadn't pushed so hard...if only I didn't need him so much(trying times here with the Divorce and all). If only I could leave him more space...then maybe he would still be here

 

K (therapist) says :

Hang on! This man said he wanted to be your everything! He promised to love you and never hurt you! You show your vulnerability (NO ONE sees that openly) and he walks out??!!!!

He's effectively demonstrated that he is not in it for the stay! He watched you hurt and call out to him and he "changed his mind??!!!"

WHAT in the world are you doing traipsing after a man that has shown you "the hand"? (which, really, is what he did...really.)

And then she suggests: Suppose he DID come back?! Suppose you had moved your life upside down to be with him.."are you going to be walking on threads now being careful not to push him too hard? Are you going to refrain from showing yourself completely in case he feels too pressured by your needs again?"

Hmmmmm

Kinda sounds pathetic put that way!

She is SO right when she says "believe me, there is a reason he is still single at 35!" (even though he is gorgeous, brilliant, funny, witty, makes a nice living, sails and competitively skis!)

 

He walked away!

And I am running after that?

 

I need answers! WHY??? WHY did this happen?! Was I that dumb? She thinks he didn't do this intentionally but when things got too real, he walked out! Decided to change his mind. (not very honorable on his part) but he did. So am I a fool? Did I deserve this heartbreak? Do I deserve to find myself in a place where I have panic attacks, refrain from going out in public and have resorted to getting severely intoxicated just to fall asleep at night?

WHY??

she gave me one answer:

"Bad judgement"

That's it. It happens.

 

I see her again on Friday.

At least the tears stopped...for now.

Edited March 31, 2008 by beta

[Far Behind]

Far Behind - he told you he wanted alone time, so that's an improvement from the 'not telling you and just disappearing', right? I'm not saying you should tolerate it (but I would lol), but at least it's a tiny baby step in the right direction?

 

I'm missing my ex badly today. The sun is shining here, just the sort of day where we'd take my dog for a long walk, holding hands, not talking, just enjoying each other's company I can't help but remember. The love I have for him is abiding and true - I sometimes wish it weren't so.

 

I haven't replied to his email from Saturday, and am fighting the urge. I want to tell him so many things and it breaks my heart that I just can't.

 

I have to run to my therapist right now but wanted to take a quick second to reply to you, mouldylocks, because I know it's a baby step, and I know it's not about me, but it still puts me into this panic mode that i hate. I also haven't heard from him since the email on Saturday; he didn't reply to my response to his, and he did not open the card I sent him. I have to really ask myself why. Thursday night: I love you, I was miserable without you, I don't want to be alone...to this? WTF?

I'll be back and post later!

[sedona]

K (therapist) says :

Hang on! This man said he wanted to be your everything! He promised to love you and never hurt you! You show your vulnerability (NO ONE sees that openly) and he walks out??!!!!

He's effectively demonstrated that he is not in it for the stay! He watched you hurt and call out to him and he "changed his mind??!!!"

WHAT in the world are you doing traipsing after a man that has shown you "the hand"? (which, really, is what he did...really.)

And then she suggests: Suppose he DID come back?! Suppose you had moved your life upside down to be with him.."are you going to be walking on threads now being careful not to push him too hard? Are you going to refrain from showing yourself completely in case he feels too pressured by your needs again?"

 

 

she gave me one answer:

"Bad judgement"

When you see her again, don't forget to share what she says. What she says applies 110% to me.

 

Two for the price of one.

[sedona]

I sort of knew I would only have one chance to "say it all" I figured he would take his "sweet time" to reply.

And no, I haven't heard from him in a month. Somehow though..i'm quite sure he will "come back" . In a meantime I will do some powertraining to make sure the door I will slam in his face, will really hurt !

 

Truth is, I would love things to work out- but I will not be treated like this! I'm 36, I still turn mens heads, have my own house and business- I don't need him (but man do I WANT HIM !)

 

You have your head screwed on right. Good for you. You sound a lot more grown-up than me. Oh well, I'm working on growing up now.

 

Didn't call him tonight (knew I wouldn't).

[LuCidiTy]

.

Last night I dreamed we were back together. AGAIN. I was kissing him and then my eyes were open and I was drenched in sweat and alone in bed. Several times last week I woke up in the middle of the night from dreaming of him and threw up. This is just ridiculous. I have no frame of reference for this, so I have no idea when or if or how it ends.

 

I despise these dreams. I have three recurring ones that it's almost not right to call dreams because they're so very, very vivid and real. I can feel him get into bed, touch me, kiss me. Then of course, awakening. I threw up a few times after,

 

the most disconcerting thing is going to sleep dry-eyed and waking up sobbing, pillow soaked. It's as if it's totally out of my control...must be what I suppress during waking hours needing to come out somehow.

[LuCidiTy]

 

Didn't call him tonight (knew I wouldn't).

 

knew you wouldn't too.

[Far Behind]

Just got back from my therapist and talked about abandonment issues stemming back from when my dad left before my 8th b'day. Also, I have routinely chosen men who in one way or another are not good for me. This current guy, for example, has similarities to my dad I hadn't thought of before. For one, the instability and immaturity are both traits my dad had. Don't know if i ever mentioned my dad was married 6 times in his life! I had little stability growing up, going to lots of different schools. So, this PANIC at the thought of being rejected goes back to unresolved issues many, many years ago. As to what I"m doing to myself, well, turns out my therapist said similar stuff to Beta's. Why would I choose to be with a guy who has shown me he doesn't follow through, can't be counted on, etc. What I see with him is when he bares his soul to the point of extreme vulnerability, as Thursday night, then his own panic ensues and he retreats. Two insecure people we are. Not good for each other. So rather than wait for him to come back out of his cave, maybe what I need to do is let go of him...via email because I don't even know if he would answer his phone if I called. And if he didn't answer his phone, I just don't want to deal with what that would feel like. And I just can't keep waiting for him. At 48, he is never going to change no matter how much he thinks he loves me. He just doesn't have it in him. And I guess I don't have it in me. I don't know when I'm going to do it, but I am really thinking about it now. OMG, I'm so nervous. But how can I ever get strong again if I am constantly waiting on him? I am responsible for my own happiness regardless of if I am with him or not.

Sorry for rambling, but I just had to get it out. I was in hysterics at the session, and it was a great release. I'm going to ask my GP about going back on lexapro for a while, too.

[Mouldylocks]

I have abandonment issues too. I was never physically abandoned, but I was raised by a narcissistic mother so emotionally I was out there on my own. It's only in the past few months that I've put together the jigsaw of why I've always felt the way I have (which was pretty crappy, to be honest!), why my achievements meant nothing to me (because they meant nothing to her) and what this horrible emptiness that followed me around was all about.

 

I think my ex has issues too. And I think they stem from his family.

 

Urgh, recipe for disaster really.

 

Anyway, I'm still fighting the urge to contact him. In order to try to haul myself out of the deep depression I was in, I took up jewellery making. It turns out that I'm pretty damned good at it too - and I've just had my first two commission orders. I am so proud of this. All my life I've thought I was supremely uncreative and untalented - probably because that's what I was told. I was never encouraged to do anything, so I didn't bother. Now I am, and it's great.

 

I'd love to share it with him - but I think there's an element of "Look, I'm good at something, please come back" in with it, so it's probably best I don't. I didn't tell him until after the event that I'd taken in another dog to foster, because I knew any negative vibe from him about it would have made me doubt myself. I have to do things by myself and for myself. It's a novel experience, but I'm rather liking it......

[beta]

 

How to save a life (The Frey)

Goodbye (Gabrielle)

Clearly NOT the right songs to be listening to!

 

I know K is right. Everything she says is true. She brought up past issues too. I'm not a fan of going back to my childhood (have spent the majority of my adult life de-programming my childhood). It's not that I am running away from it. I honestly think I have dealt with those things a long time ago.

I don't mean to sound harsh but to be honest, I think anyone can attribute almost anything back to their childhood? Cause we fell in love with a man who dumped us makes it obvious that it has to do with our childhood issues? Every child has but ONE father and but ONE mother. Therefore ANY situation can invariably be somehow connected to the physical lack of, or the mental neglect or the smothering or the high expectations or the constant let downs...etc

I'm not happy to accept this as a means to recovery. I am sorry (my therapist slightly touched down that road and wants to come back to it...)

It's like statistics. ANY stats can make ANY product be true. It just depends what you're happy to give credit to or what you want to try to prove.

I'm also not happy to accept that "this might be time to really be on my own" What? Like REAL love can be stable and true only after a said time ALONE?

 

The irony is: I never felt I needed him when we were a team. I just really really loved it! Now that he is gone, it's like the life has been sucked out of me. Is it possible to decipher the feelings of need and true love whilst IN the relationship? (or are we privied to this only when they walk out?) And do we then know by the way we react?

Edited April 1, 2008 by beta

[Far Behind]

Well here we go again. I saw him sign online, but I had an away message up. After a few minutes of staring, I put myself to available and typed to him "I feel awkward and didn't know if I should say hey, so...hey" and guess what? No response! Go figure. I am going to start working on my email that I want to send him but I'm not going to send it as yet. I don't want to look like I'm reacting to his not responding to my IM. But the bottom line is I just can't deal/cope with his nonsense any longer. I deserve MUCH more than what he can give me. I'm sad but resolute. Guess it's the first step on my journey to recovery.

 

Mouldylocks, that's terrific about the jewellery. I, too, have always felt like I was the most uncreative person around, though I used to play guitar when I was younger, and I'm an elementary school teacher. An uncreative elementary teacher!

 

It's time to start working on my own personal agenda. It's funny, I realized tonight at counseling that I am not doing anything different than before I got married. I just took a break for 15+ years where I didn't have to obsess about someone I guess. Well I'm tired of obsessing, I have made a lifetime of it (minus 15 years). I need to fix me and stop finding men that need fixing and thinking I can fix them. I can't. I thought me and this guy could help fix each other, but it doesn't work that way either. For one thing, I don't think he is serious about wanting to fix himself.

 

Damn it. Damn him.

Edited April 1, 2008 by Far Behind

[beta]

Oh Far Behind...it just doesn't make sense!

 

I'll damm him too!

 

You do have something with the "fixing" though. I did it with both my husbands...I think I thought this one didn't need fixing? Until he walked out! (then of course, I tried "showing" him just how much love I can give him and thereby "fixing" maybe his issues?) 35 and still single...NEVER lived with anyone...NEVER been in a relationship for more than 1-5 months...sounds like issues to me!

 

Damm yours and damm mine! lol

[Far Behind]

Damn them all, lol!!!!

 

I started trying to write the email and I can't get it right so I'm going to hold off for now. He will resurface I'm quite sure, so I may have the opportunity to do it as a conversation or a response email, but for right now I can't make the words come out right. But I KNOW I have to let go even if he does come back, because, at least at this time, he isn't ready and his actions speak tons louder than his words. His words were beautiful, and I think when he spoke them he was truly sincere. Then when he lays bare his soul and feels vulnerable, he retreats. F*ck that! And you said yours was 35 and never married? Mine is 48, and though married for 10 years, it was not a real marriage (he married this girl he met in Poland but I'm not sure what kind of r'ship they had...like if they dated, or what) but because it was convenient due to his constantly being on the road he stayed until about 3 years ago. And he has never had any other real long-term relationship!

 

I think in the long run, as sad as it makes me, I am much better off without him. Damn him. Damn yours. Damn them all.

[LuCidiTy]

 

I'll damm him too!

Damm yours and damm mine! lol

 

May seagulls poop on ALL their heads!

 

(and I'm a gypsy, so that'll stick! )

 

on another note...has any guy posted in this topic yet?