Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[Far Behind]

I bought a book today called "Don't Call that Man." I started reading it tonight. I suggest you buy it as soon as you can today. It WILL help. You will see, first of all, we are all in this together, and you will also learn how to work through the feelings of wanting to call. You WILL want to do it again, but you will learn how to keep from doing it.

 

I am so sorry you. too, are going through this.

[sedona]

Guess what? He didn't call! (duh!)

Am I too far in to have NC be significant at all? Am utterly humiliated now But i do feel like I'm done. For the first time in 3 weeks....I am losing faith As one of you said, if this REALLY was love...he would be there wouldn't he?????? It just hurts so much!

 

thanks,

It's never too late for NC. You texted him, you called him. It's ok. I've done that too, trying to get some real response even though I suspected that I wouldn't get any. And afterwards I kicked myself: Why couldn't I just have held out and not called/texted???? But you know, I just wasn't ready. It wasn't time for that, so I have to accept that.

 

But if things don't improve, then there comes a point when you are ready for NC even though it hurts. But the alternative of hoping/waiting/walking on eggshells for a bit of attention hurts more.

 

I've been trying to go NC for a few weeks now, but haven't managed it. Now though, I haven't been in touch with him since Friday and I truly feel that I won't be reaching out to him again. Now I'm just trying to deal with the fantasy I have when I wake up in the mornings that he'll call me in 6 months time to tell me that he's worked out all his issues and wants nothing more than to get our relationship back on track. It's not going to happen, I know that. But I can't stop dreaming about it. Npt yet. I guess that day too will come...

 

And yes, I think that if it were love, then he'd be there.

[sedgwick]

Beta, you're absolutely right -- the same exact thing did happen to all of us! Amazing connection, madly in love, and then NOTHING. (And is "crack on" Brit-speak for "get on with it?" That's awesome, says the American. But then when you say "get on," that means you get along with someone...hmmmm.)

 

Lucidity, good for you for ignoring him. That's fantastic. I too wish mine would try to contact me so I could ignore him. He really did just vanish. I sent him one text and heard nothing back. The last time I spoke to him was seven months ago.

 

He waffled constantly about everything -- had a harder time making a decision than anybody I ever knew -- but overall things were great between us. I have never had more in common or more fun with anybody in my life. When we were together, we were overflowing with things to talk about. We'd take road trips and get lost because we were so involved in conversation. It was like this right up until the minute he left. The night before he dumped me, we had a great time.

 

There is only one way I would take him back, and that's if he showed up on my doorstep and proposed. That's what it would take for me to forgive him. Anything less than that is just more waffling. But after eight months, I'm not expecting to ever hear from him again anyway. My friends all say, "Well, he probably just feels really guilty." Whatever. I don't think he feels anything as long as he has his bass.

 

Oh, and I'll vouch for the "Don't Call that Man" book. I got it and "It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown," in the week after it happened. (I cannot believe I'm admitting this.) The first one is short and good, the second is dumb. I kind of want to read these others now, but spending money on breakup books makes me feel pathetic.

Edited March 24, 2008 by sedgwick

[LuCidiTy]

it's more annoying at this point that he does contact me. annoying because i don't know why he is and annoying because he's the one who asked for time to sort his life out and get a grip and annoying because i'm beginning to think he's a wimp and i don't want to.

 

i feel exactly like you do, sedgewick...show up at the door (not necessarily with a proposal though...not doing that again) if and when you figure it out. it's probably because i was so clear about that that he insists on annoying me. that and he probably misses the support and the ear.

 

as for the books...maybe the library?

Edited March 24, 2008 by LuCidiTy

[Far Behind]

Mine is not dead, has not been kidnapped by aliens, and is apparently not in the hospital because he is on line, which means he is at work. I need to remove him from my buddy list. I will in a few minutes.

[LuCidiTy]

do aliens take requests?

 

and why in a few minutes? why not NOW?

[Far Behind]

I just did.

[beta]

I love this thread.

It has to be said...(and yes, crack on is brit. for get on with it ) 2 nights ago was my very very worst night ever. After three weeks of "walking on eggshells" (as you put it) in a vein attempt to win him back, I deepened into depression. Of course, I could only see his gorgeous face, his beautiful eyes, remember his caring thoughts and laugh at his sharp witt. Damm! THen cry. And cry and cry. Two nights ago, I reached out and called a friend (not normally the type to do this...believe it or not, I am usually the "life coach") Thank God she came over. I'm not feeling AS depressed. Utterly confused....lost and betrayed (how do you go from being so close to NOTHING??!!) I also feel embarassed and desperate.

We were going to see each other in April but I don't think that's going to happen now. There will certainly be July however (share same mutual friends where we actually both stay when we're there together)...I am not rocking up looking like death honed over!

I'm starting my training again. I had completely let that go (while we were together AND especially since D-day!) Yesterday, I was in a ***you mode and wrote him a letter! (see thread "letter")

i wonder how long it will take before he realises that I'm not calling again? The longest I've gone NC is 3 days I think (God, that sounds so pathetic) i've managed a txt, email or call after that (then would go 3 days again). Day 2 today.

-----Do you think you'll ever allow yourselves to love like that again? I'm sorry...but I won't! I just can't imagine how anyone else can have me believe they are sincere? (bearing in my mind, I was skeptical before him but his ever so honest personality, mutual friends, amazing convincing words and tenderness ALL had me believe HE was the one!) HOW in the world can anyone come up with anything more AND have me believe them? Not going through this again! I'm not!

[Far Behind]

Beta, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now because I feel that way as well. I removed mine from my buddy contact list, though I didn't block him because I don't think he intends to contact me anytime soon, either, or else he would have. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, though stronger in a way, too, because I know I can and will resist the urge to contact him and ask why or cuss him out or anything we are wont to do in these situations. I am going to see my counselor this morning. Then I'm going to try and read and let go. Letting go is so freakin' hard, and it should be so easy when you feel so humiliated.

[LuCidiTy]

do whatever it takes to make it easier for you. if you must get on messenger, at least delete his name so you don't see it...those kind of reminders are just barriers to moving on. block him if you want to kill all contact there. same with the phone and email. at the very least put his ring on silent so you're not listening for it, even subconsciously. i swear it's easier if you KNOW they can't contact you.

 

FB, why do you feel humiliated?!

[Far Behind]

I feel humiliated because I started to put my trust in him AGAIN...this happened one other time after the first time. This week, when we started communicating, I made it so clear how scared I was, and he assured me it would be ok, he UNDERSTOOD, he felt like crap about what had happened, wondered what the hell was wrong with him, etc. I just feel humiliated/embarrassed/ashamed. I really should have never seen him in the first place, I should have put a stop to this crap a long time ago. I initiated contact in the past, then when I slacked off he started, and when I got this pathetic one last week the day before my b'day where he said he relized he may have run off the best thing in his life in a long time, maybe ever, and he said he was leaving town, well I started right back in about how we need to see each other then, clearly we both have feelings for each other...I can't believe I believed him. And in a way I still do. I think, though, that once he got his act back together, worked out his problems at work and wasn't going to leave town, I became secondary. When he didn't call/show-up Friday, he probably decided the inevitable confrontation wasn't worth it, coward that he is, and here we are again. I did not block him but I did remove him from my buddy list.

[beta]

I blocked him on MSN. Truth be told, I think he beat me to it? Probably for skype anyways. There is no way I could bring myself to deleting him. I wish he would call back (as he said he would) just so I could NOT PICK UP! How childish does that sound? We were never about games...but then what do you call running away and not giving face time to what has happened between us? Oh I know...COWARDLY JERK!!! (lol)

Truth is: he hasn't contacted ME in 3 weeks! WHY on earth do I think he will now? (of course, I was always the one contacting)..

I don't expect to hear from him. Am going to search for a counsellor tomoroow (closed here today), start marathon training again and get thru this book (A New Earth)...AND...keep reading here (makes me feel better....really it does) I'm so deep in this hole of negative emotions...I just can't wait to see the light...

[sedona]

Nobody should feel humiliated for loveing someone.

 

I don't feel humiliated by him, but I do feel like I shouldn't be so depressed. I was with this guy for only 7 months. I am a grown woman. I own a house, have 2 kids, work. I am in good health. I have lived in several countries, speak several languages. I was married for 12 years and my divorce didn't affect me nearly as much as this.

 

I feel like this is something you go through when you're 16. And yet look at me. A complete mess. And the only thing that happened to me is that I broke up with my bf. How pathetic. I feel like I don't have the right to be so crushed by this.

 

I guess it was just my time. That I've been strong for a long time now and can't do it anymore, at least for now. Maybe this break-up was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's time to change.

 

I so want this to be over. A difficult day, again!

[beta]

Sedona: I am you! (or are you me?) Damm!

Utter depression! Is what it is!

I have been married for 12 years, 3 kids, have a business, write a column, run marathons, look bloody good truth be told (ok, not with puffy eyes and running mascara ) Bilingual, 34 years old. AND I have NEVER EVER EVER been this depressed! As you say...a 16 year old

Which is why I am saying, I will never let myself go thru this again.

[sedona]

I feel humiliated because I started to put my trust in him AGAIN...this happened one other time after the first time. This week, when we started communicating, I made it so clear how scared I was, and he assured me it would be ok, he UNDERSTOOD, he felt like crap about what had happened, wondered what the hell was wrong with him, etc. I just feel humiliated/embarrassed/ashamed. I really should have never seen him in the first place, I should have put a stop to this crap a long time ago. I initiated contact in the past, then when I slacked off he started, and when I got this pathetic one last week the day before my b'day where he said he relized he may have run off the best thing in his life in a long time, maybe ever, and he said he was leaving town, well I started right back in about how we need to see each other then, clearly we both have feelings for each other...I can't believe I believed him. And in a way I still do.

 

Far Behind,

If my guy came back and said the things that yours said to you, then I'd react in the exact same way. No doubt about it. I love him. How could I possibly say no? Even though my brain would be telling me that this can't possibly be true. Still, I'd have to give it a shot.

 

When he came back to you, then you just weren't in the position to turn him away. You shouldn't be embarrassed about your feelings and hopes.

 

That's how I feel about my having tried to start NC, but not having been able to keep it up. It just wasn't time yet. I wasn't ready. I just have to accept that and stop feeling guilty for not having been able to do it sooner.

 

Now I think I'm ready though. 2.5 days and ticking.

 

Sedona: I am you! (or are you me?) Damm!

Utter depression! Is what it is!

I have been married for 12 years, 3 kids, have a business, write a column, run marathons, look bloody good truth be told (ok, not with puffy eyes and running mascara ) Bilingual, 34 years old. AND I have NEVER EVER EVER been this depressed! As you say...a 16 year old

Which is why I am saying, I will never let myself go thru this again.

Gosh beta, if we're the same person, then I have more problems than even I knew. Split personality!

 

I never want to let myself go through this again either. But I do want to fall in love again and trust again. And I think that the only way to do is to find out about myself first, and do that alone (like Walking Away wrote). Being alone is the only way to heal and become strong enough to find someone again.

 

At the same time, I am so lonely and tired right now!

 

The only thing I have energy to do these days is to write on LS, watch reruns of "Sex and the City" and read a book a picked up at the airport, "The Kabul Beauty School". But I'm a fast reader and am almost finished. Need a new book to look forward to when I go to bed and wake up.

 

Going to yoga class in a while. That'll help get my mind off my sadness, at least for a few minutes.

[Far Behind]

I turned 50 last week, have 2 kids, been through 2 divorces, and never felt like I'd had my ass kicked as badly as it was through this. I just got back from my therapist. One thing I had read yesterday was this fear of abandonment/rejection goes back to a daddy thing. Mine left when I was almost 8, and though I had a wonderful relationship with him for the rest of his life, I guess I never dealt with whatever issues that obviously left behind. I'm ready to tackle this issue. I have made a lifetime of poor choices concerning men. I can't do it anymore. Nothing like what I'm coming out of, however. I walked away from both my marriages, I was never abandoned by anyone other than this guy. My ex-husband quoted Warren Zevon to me one time and said this was me: "If you won't leave me, I'll find someone that will." I guess J was that someone.

 

Sedona, his words were all I had longed to hear for the past 2 months, and when I told him of my fears and he said he understood...how could I not be hopeful? But I am realizing that my anger does not need to be directed at him because he isn't worth it in the long run. My anger is at me for being so friggin' needy that I fell for it again, wanted it so badly I grabbed hold of...air, I guess. There certainly was nothing concrete to grab onto. I want so so badly to tell him to fk himself, and if/when he calls, I'm going to, because that will be the ultimate empowerment to me, I believe.

 

I'm a teacher, on spring break this week, so I want to use this time to be good to myself and my kids. I will take a couple of yoga classes, which I couldn't in the past month because of the surgery I had in February. I will keep posting with you guys cuz it is therapeutic as hell knowing we are all not alone. I will read, too, not just the relationship books I bought yesterday, but I also started a novel yesterday as well. So life WILL go on without him. I called my brother a few minutes ago and told him I was serious about hanging out with him and his wife and their friend one night this week. I have licked my wounds for over 2 months now, and I will NOT let this guy have anymore of my energy (except when I post here).

[sedgwick]

Yes it is very therapeutic...it makes me feel like maybe it wasn't all my fault. Everyone here seems to be an intelligent, articulate woman, and I refuse to believe that we are ALL so flawed or we ALL did something so bad (of which we are completely unaware) that we ran these guys off.

 

Mine was completely incapable of ever slowing down. It was often stressful to be with him because he just couldn't stop working. Last night I had an invitation to a party, but instead I stayed in, curled up in bed with the cats, and read a book. It was great. I'm trying to allow myself to do whatever I need to do right now to heal, and one of the things I need to do is RELAX, which he made me feel guilty about doing. I just need to enjoy my own company for a while. This is a time of introspection and healing for me.

 

Now if I could just stop stressing out about work and money, I'd be set!

[Far Behind]

Yes it is very therapeutic...it makes me feel like maybe it wasn't all my fault. Everyone here seems to be an intelligent, articulate woman, and I refuse to believe that we are ALL so flawed or we ALL did something so bad (of which we are completely unaware) that we ran these guys off.

 

Mine was completely incapable of ever slowing down. It was often stressful to be with him because he just couldn't stop working. Last night I had an invitation to a party, but instead I stayed in, curled up in bed with the cats, and read a book. It was great. I'm trying to allow myself to do whatever I need to do right now to heal, and one of the things I need to do is RELAX, which he made me feel guilty about doing. I just need to enjoy my own company for a while. This is a time of introspection and healing for me.

 

Now if I could just stop stressing out about work and money, I'd be set!

 

Of all the posts I have read by you on here, I have to say I admire and respect you. You seem like such a together person, and yes, you have every right to relax and enjoy your own company, or company of others. I feel amazingly calm right now. I am recognizing that my anger is self-directed, not because I did something to run him off (because I know I didn't) but because I keep making such bad choices. Like I said before, I have never been involved with someone like him that continued to seemingly deliberately hurt me...and I still don't believe that it is truly deliberate. But I don't think I have ever been in what could be considered a normal, healthy relationship. Even my second marriage that brought my 2 wonderful daughters and lasted over 15 years, was not a healthy relationship. I stayed as long as I did because of the girls.

That fear of rejection/abandonment...I have completely abandoned myself in every relationship I've been in. Oh, you're in a bad mood? I'm sorry. (I apologize a lot.) Oh, you're happy today? Great, let's be happy. Where have I been for the past god knows how many years???

The time has come to relocate myself.

[beta]

Of all the posts I have read by you on here, I have to say I admire and respect you. You seem like such a together person, and yes, you have every right to relax and enjoy your own company, or company of others. I feel amazingly calm right now. I am recognizing that my anger is self-directed, not because I did something to run him off (because I know I didn't) but because I keep making such bad choices. Like I said before, I have never been involved with someone like him that continued to seemingly deliberately hurt me...and I still don't believe that it is truly deliberate. But I don't think I have ever been in what could be considered a normal, healthy relationship. Even my second marriage that brought my 2 wonderful daughters and lasted over 15 years, was not a healthy relationship. I stayed as long as I did because of the girls.

That fear of rejection/abandonment...I have completely abandoned myself in every relationship I've been in. Oh, you're in a bad mood? I'm sorry. (I apologize a lot.) Oh, you're happy today? Great, let's be happy. Where have I been for the past god knows how many years???

The time has come to relocate myself.

 

In past relationships...I think I always knew there was something "off" I feeling I did NOT experience with this one! This is why I feel I am having such a hard time dealing with this. It really WAS amazing! We DID have this connection..one that we BOTH acknowledged..felt and even intelligently discussed! Although there were times when we felt like we were tippy toeing telepathically through fields of daisies, we would then discuss that and even bring the realities of our challenges back on the table (I would often joke about "numbers" (making reference to Erin Brokovich) the countries, oceans, seas and children!) But we talked about all of that...talked about how we can get through that and how what we have is so amazing that logistical challenges were never considered as reason enough to let this go.

Then what happened!!???

Oh I've been down the "I got too needy...needed too much support" But hang on...we didn't see each other very often did we? Yeah we logged on everyday and talked but it was effortless...or so it was for months! Until he "switched off" and then of course I got "crazy" in disbelief mainly.

I haven't stalked him (yeah, I called and emailed and txt'd maybe a total of 6 times in the last 3 weeks) but crazy?

I grieved my second marriage better than this 4.5 month relationship!

I think it's because I gave it "all".

I was always a bit reserved (at first mainly) He was so loving and present and one day (I remember exactly when) I said "I'm not scared anymore". That was the day "I KNEW" I just KNEW that everything was going to be all right! More than alright. It was amazing. I was smiling. He was smiling and he said so tenderly "good. i'm glad"

Then he left!

After I surrendered my all....he left.

I had never felt like I had surrendered my all before. Which is why I wholeheartedly believe I could never do that again. EVER.

Did WE choose wrongly? I don't think so.

Is there a reason? (obviously, we are all here searching for one). I'm not sure?

It is natural to look for one though.

I mean, if something went horribly wrong with one of my children or my business, I would do everything I could to understand WHY? If only to prevent that same event from occuring again.

hmmmm. I have just said that I would never let this happen to me again because I have resolved to never giving myself like that again...

Day 2 done. (he's sleeping now...halfway across the world from me)

Does he remember? Will he ever forget?

Am I a fool?

I want to do martial arts. I want to white water kayak. I want to jump from airplanes!

More than all of that....I just want him back in my life again and I want to smile like I did and share like I did and feel like a Queen again. I don't want to be a Queen alone though. I want my King back

---of course, King's aren't meant to slay their Queen's are they?

 

---heartbroken

[Far Behind]

No, queens are not meant to be slayed by their kings...just ask Anne Boleyn, lol.

But seriously, why not take up marital arts or jump out of an airplane? I have been reading Don't Call that Man all afternoon. It is very interesting and I suggest it highly. There are writing exercises which I have been doing in my head. It doesn't all apply to me, but a lot of it really does. As I said in an earlier post, or maybe even on another thread, I let the guy "in my box" as he put it, and then he disappeared. And we found our way back because I pursued it. And he disappeared again. And I pursued some more, and then he pursued until we saw each other Monday. At that time he said people don't often get a 2nd chance...we are so lucky! I have an email where he told me he was glad we were headed in the right direction. I don't know. I guess they get you to a place where you are ready to relax and then ZAP right between the eyes. Dangle that carrot. I wish I understood, but I am slowly coming to terms that it is more important to understand me and my reaction rather than what he did. I have ZERO control over him and his actions. He made some kind of a conscious choice some time after we spoke on the phone Friday at 6:00 that this was happening again. I really hope he does contact me, because I really want to have the opportunity to tell him to fk himself and to leave me alone forever. I wanted, at one point, to tell him that I hoped that the Blue Fairy would come along and turn him into a real man, and then maybe we could have a chance...but as someone said before, this is not a fairy tale. I am not a therapist, I can't fix him. but I can continue to work on fixing me, and that's the plan. I'm so glad I'm off work this week!

[Far Behind]

I got an email and I responded. He attempted to explain what happened on Friday and as I thought it was all due to his embarrassment regarding money, etc. I wrote to him about trust, he was supposed to trust me and I wanted to trust him. He didnt reply to my last one, so maybe that's it. But I knew that he didn't "deliberately" set out to decieve me. He just continues to do it to himself. He really does need to grow up.

[sedona]

Yes it is very therapeutic...it makes me feel like maybe it wasn't all my fault. Everyone here seems to be an intelligent, articulate woman, and I refuse to believe that we are ALL so flawed or we ALL did something so bad (of which we are completely unaware) that we ran these guys off.

 

That made me feel better. We do all sound intelligent, articulate, and aware. We can't all be nuts.

 

That fear of rejection/abandonment...I have completely abandoned myself in every relationship I've been in. Oh, you're in a bad mood? I'm sorry. (I apologize a lot.) Oh, you're happy today? Great, let's be happy. Where have I been for the past god knows how many years???

 

I find myself doing this too. When I first meet someone and don't yet know him well, then I'll suggest doing things which for me are natural to do. But then as I get to know him and find out about the stuff that he's used to, then I mold myself to fit his habits. I become more inhibited and less myself. Pretty ironic, as it's being myself which attracts men to me in the first place.

 

Like with this guy in the beginning, I asked him out to a cafe on a Tuesday evening. Turns out that he never goes to cafes and even if he did, he'd never go to one on a Tuesday because he has to get up really early for work. But when I didn't know any of that, then I justed asked him without a second thought - he showed up and we had a great time. Later on, it seemed unthinkable to do something like that!

 

That's just a tiny example, but I have loads of them.

 

 

In past relationships...I think I always knew there was something "off" I feeling I did NOT experience with this one! This is why I feel I am having such a hard time dealing with this. It really WAS amazing! We DID have this connection..one that we BOTH acknowledged..felt and even intelligently discussed!

 

Then what happened!!???

Oh I've been down the "I got too needy...needed too much support" But hang on...we didn't see each other very often did we? Yeah we logged on everyday and talked but it was effortless...or so it was for months! Until he "switched off" and then of course I got "crazy" in disbelief mainly.

 

More than all of that....I just want him back in my life again and I want to smile like I did and share like I did and feel like a Queen again. I don't want to be a Queen alone though. I want my King back

---of course, King's aren't meant to slay their Queen's are they?

 

---heartbroken

Hmmm. You're right...maybe you are me. You've just described what I've been living.

 

I am not a therapist, I can't fix him. but I can continue to work on fixing me, and that's the plan.

Yeah, we have to fix ourselves. What they do or don't do is out of our hands.

[0hpenelope]

Yeah, we have to fix ourselves. What they do or don't do is out of our hands.

 

 

So true. We can't control them, but we can definitely control us.

[sedona]

I got an email and I responded. He attempted to explain what happened on Friday and as I thought it was all due to his embarrassment regarding money, etc. I wrote to him about trust, he was supposed to trust me and I wanted to trust him. He didnt reply to my last one, so maybe that's it. But I knew that he didn't "deliberately" set out to decieve me. He just continues to do it to himself. He really does need to grow up.

And why did he wait until Monday to get in touch with you? And why an email? Why didn't he call?

[Far Behind]

And why did he wait until Monday to get in touch with you? And why an email? Why didn't he call?

 

Well, we'll know all the answers tonight...I am going over there in about an hour to finally have this soul-baring talk. I asked him in one of the emails we did "I need to know, honestly, do you love me?" and he replied "with all my heart."

 

More to follow.