LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 But the strength comes from the knowledge that you and I and everyone else is worth more than this treatment. Real strength says, "I love myself too much to do this to myself." of course we are. but when you love deeply and you know that it could be great, you put up with a few things too. i think that's part of the essence of true love and commitment...only in this case it comes at the beginning of the relationship instead of in the middle? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Share Posted March 20, 2008 It almost seems, at least in some situations, they really don't want to let go, they want to be with the other person, but have serious issues blocking the way. And its hurtful for all involved. I don't want to let go, but it seems I have no choice at the moment....maybe its the same for them Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I can share tons of nuggets of truth from what my man has told me. He has made himself very, very vulnerable to me and has been very open....and after those conversations he distances for a few days, of course... My man told me that he wants someone in his life but doesn't know if he can HANDLE one full time. He wants that love but runs from it when he gets it. He is aware. But, he has a mental block. He cannot get beyond his fear. And fear is what I think we are dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 And it is a hard conclusion to come to, and even harder to find the strength to back away from them....hard to walk away from someone who really needs help, but won't accept it....... sure is. but you know what? they have to seek and find that help in their own time and in their own way or it won't take or last. in the end they're stronger for it even if they lose us along the way, which may be one of the things they'll recognize at that point. whether we're still here or not...well that's up to the universe and us. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 In the book it tells you that when a man absolutely is POSITIVE that you will be there for him even when he leaves....that is when he exits. If he doesn't know where you stand, or if you will be there if he goes, he will hang in there. His behavior will continue to be more and more provocative, but he won't leave completely until he absolutely believes that you are there for him no matter what. And, that, my friends, is nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I can share tons of nuggets of truth from what my man has told me. He has made himself very, very vulnerable to me and has been very open....and after those conversations he distances for a few days, of course... My man told me that he wants someone in his life but doesn't know if he can HANDLE one full time. He wants that love but runs from it when he gets it. He is aware. But, he has a mental block. He cannot get beyond his fear. And fear is what I think we are dealing with. omg so true. he wants it sooooo badly. it makes me cry thinking about it. fear is a HUGE part of it and something i struggled with in this relationship too and finally just let go of. he hasn't let go of it i don't think. men tend to have bigger issues with it in some respects...especially where they show vulnerability. i think we said that earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Oh, and he told me that he loves the cat and mouse game with him and I. That is his catnip. The "not knowing" is the thrill for him. Yes, it is fun, but eventually, NORMAL people want to settle in and solidify the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 In the book it tells you that when a man absolutely is POSITIVE that you will be there for him even when he leaves....that is when he exits. If he doesn't know where you stand, or if you will be there if he goes, he will hang in there. His behavior will continue to be more and more provocative, but he won't leave completely until he absolutely believes that you are there for him no matter what. And, that, my friends, is nuts. i missed that reference to houdini relating to what we're discussing now. makes perfect sense in a way. and that is exactly what he does! and probably exactly why he touches back now and then just to make sure. ugh about the leaving completely. damn. i have no clue WHAT to make of that! Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Oh, and he told me that he loves the cat and mouse game with him and I. That is his catnip. The "not knowing" is the thrill for him. Yes, it is fun, but eventually, NORMAL people want to settle in and solidify the relationship. he actually SAID this to you?! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 My advice: Don't be there for him. Sometimes you don't miss the water until the well is dry. But, like I said before, unless they have made some REAL changes, the relationship will just repeat itself again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 It almost seems, at least in some situations, they really don't want to let go, they want to be with the other person, but have serious issues blocking the way. And its hurtful for all involved. I don't want to let go, but it seems I have no choice at the moment....maybe its the same for them i think so. that's got to be a large part of it. and that would be okay except the thing is? there are no guarentees we'll be here. we hang in there and get on with our lives very well and if the timing is right again someday for us both...wow. if not, his loss and ours. so sad. but you can't fix everything.... Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 he actually SAID this to you?! Absolutely. He is brutally honest with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i think so. that's got to be a large part of it. and that would be okay except the thing is? there are no guarentees we'll be here. we hang in there and get on with our lives very well and if the timing is right again someday for us both...wow. if not, his loss and ours. so sad. but you can't fix everything.... And that is the truth. We get on with our lives very well. It truly is their loss. They KNOW how great we are. THAT I believe without a doubt. We just got too close. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I was the cool girlfriend...full, successful life without him. He tells me he adores me. Yet, he can't get any closer. I did everything I could to show him I wasn't going to smother him and I still failed. Yes, yes, yes. I could have written this word for word. He loves me, he loves me not. I say, make up your mind, I'm going to back away. He loves me. And then he doesn't. And I back away. Just about the time I think, okay, things are good, we're together, all is well, he'll waffle again. Just enough that I'm always a little bit on edge. I don't think he did it on purpose. I think he would get close, get scared, run, get lonely, come back, repeat. He told me once that he had "fear of missing out," that he always wondered what was around the next corner and if it was something even better. Like if he was playing with one band, he was sad because he couldn't play with two others. So he'd kill himself to play with the two others, and then he'd be all conflicted over the two more that wanted him by that time, because WHAT IF playing with them was better? It has to be a sad, anxiety-producing way to live. I always thought I was bad about working all the time and being unable to relax, but this guy makes me look like effin' Panama Jack, chillin' in a hammock with a margarita. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Yes, yes, yes. I could have written this word for word. He loves me, he loves me not. I say, make up your mind, I'm going to back away. He loves me. And then he doesn't. And I back away. Just about the time I think, okay, things are good, we're together, all is well, he'll waffle again. Just enough that I'm always a little bit on edge. I don't think he did it on purpose. I think he would get close, get scared, run, get lonely, come back, repeat. He told me once that he had "fear of missing out," that he always wondered what was around the next corner and if it was something even better. Like if he was playing with one band, he was sad because he couldn't play with two others. So he'd kill himself to play with the two others, and then he'd be all conflicted over the two more that wanted him by that time, because WHAT IF playing with them was better? It has to be a sad, anxiety-producing way to live. I always thought I was bad about working all the time and being unable to relax, but this guy makes me look like effin' Panama Jack, chillin' in a hammock with a margarita. he would be your man! Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 My advice: Don't be there for him. Sometimes you don't miss the water until the well is dry. But, like I said before, unless they have made some REAL changes, the relationship will just repeat itself again. Lather, rinse, repeat. i took myself out of it. i answer if he contacts me and leave it and get back to NC. and he's so far found some interesting ways to contact me seeing as i THOUGHT i had removed/blocked him from most everywhere. well on the cell phone i change his name to don't answer and set him to silent. heaven forbid there should be a real emergency, you know? that's the key. REAL changes. and now i don't think that's going to happen for him anytime soon. he's at the moment considering going back to a toxic situation...exactly right back where he was a year before we met...something he worked very hard to get out of and something he managed to convince us both was settled. in my view, he gave UP. maybe with good reason in his mind, but gave up nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Share Posted March 20, 2008 Ugh, pity the woman or man, who falls in love with someone carrying emotional baggage and/or serious commitment issues......This has been a new one for me to deal with.....it has definitely thrown me for a loop.....its easy to walk away if your heart doesn't get involved, but too late for the rest of us. Keep my fingers crossed he has the same problem wherever he is....cave in, already!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 And that is the truth. We get on with our lives very well. It truly is their loss. They KNOW how great we are. THAT I believe without a doubt. We just got too close. absolutely. and they miss that closeness but something in them...ego...pride...whatever...overrides it. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i wish WE could all go sit down and have THREE margaritas! right now! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 i took myself out of it. i answer if he contacts me and leave it and get back to NC. and he's so far found some interesting ways to contact me seeing as i THOUGHT i had removed/blocked him from most everywhere. well on the cell phone i change his name to don't answer and set him to silent. heaven forbid there should be a real emergency, you know? that's the key. REAL changes. and now i don't think that's going to happen for him anytime soon. he's at the moment considering going back to a toxic situation...exactly right back where he was a year before we met...something he worked very hard to get out of and something he managed to convince us both was settled. in my view, he gave UP. maybe with good reason in his mind, but gave up nonetheless. I am removing myself from the situation. I told him, "If you ever find it in your heart to let someone in and I am still on your mind, come find me." Until that happens, I refuse to be his therapist or emotional crutch. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 hard to walk away from someone who really needs help, but won't accept it....... Amen and hallelujah! As my friend said the other day, "For whatever reason, he's just in self-destruct mode, there's nothing you can do about it." Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Ugh, pity the woman or man, who falls in love with someone carrying emotional baggage and/or serious commitment issues......This has been a new one for me to deal with.....it has definitely thrown me for a loop.....its easy to walk away if your heart doesn't get involved, but too late for the rest of us. Keep my fingers crossed he has the same problem wherever he is....cave in, already!!! now MY gramma always said, it's not the baggage...it's how you pack it! i still think mine might be worth this and has a shot. we had three mini-breaks he didn't make it two days through. this is his third attempt. if i'm still at this place, he might get lucky. if not... Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 Awwww....a margarita. THAT sounds good! (And I live an hour from the Mexican border... ) Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 In the book it tells you that when a man absolutely is POSITIVE that you will be there for him even when he leaves....that is when he exits. Truer words were never spoken. That's exactly, exactly my case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebites77 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Share Posted March 20, 2008 Real change (that sounds like a political slogan), and real progress. Without that, and a recognition of whats going on, and a will to face your fears, there is no hope for this crap. Why let fears run your life? I've said before, i think he is wrong in this, but he has let his fears win. And I'm not in the mood for instant replays, but I'm ready for a new level if he comes back to the game prepared and has learned his lesson well. : ) Link to post Share on other sites
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