Immaturity and commitment phobia

[Jeff22]

Hi there,

 

I'm 22 and I've been dating a girl (she's 22 also) for 2 years now. I started to feel really bad and shaken inside about 10 months ago when I started to panic about our relationship and how I was going to be "stuck" to her for quite some time. As time went on, some of our common friends commited and I honestly talked to her about it and how I didn't like the idea of commitment at age 22. Upon reflexion, chat with long-time friends and an inside out look at me I came to the conclusion that I'm really not made for any long term relationship. Here is me and how I think:

 

1) 22 is MUCH too young for commitment and/or any serious engagement, it's the time of my life where I want to have fun, sex and I want to prove myself I can be worthy with women.

 

2) In my life, I always have to change things quite often. Whether it is a computer, a stereo, an oven or anything, I need to change models periodically or I get bored....and I seem to translate this into relationships too.

 

3) In the past, I only had ONE other relationship longer than one year and it ended cause I met another girl and I simply felt my life was "incomplete" if I stayed with my girlfriend at the time instead of going with the new lady.

 

4) My parents got married when they were about 36 and had me when they were about 33. I don't plan to have children before 30-32 and most girls seem to want them at 25 and this makes me panic A LOT!

 

5) I'm currently studying hard to get my way through life and get an excellent job later on. For me, professionnal success is really important and I make MANY sacrifices when spending time studying rather than going out with friends. This enhances my feeling of being "trapped" in long relationships.

 

6) I like to live relationships one day at a time and I honestly can say I'm not ready for commitment or long-term engagement, at least not with the women I'm currently dating.

 

Furthermore, the "trapped" feeling is enhanced by the fact that both me and my GF are possesive and we don't go out alone or with friends often (which is a situation we HAVE to correct or this is going to be war!).

 

I don't know what to do. Since those 10 months of reflexion, I have had NUMEROUS occasions of letting her and going with some other women and I didn't do a single bad thing. I am kind of wondering why I repress myself for doing those "immature" things in the name of love somewhat.

 

All being analysed, I can't say wether it's better for me to hold on to our relationship, let it grow and get commited and have children or let it die and have fun on my way to paradise while missing her all along... I don't know what to do since this girl fits in like everything I want so I guess the girl's not the problem, I HAVE a problem that is called fear of commitment and I don't know if I should let it destroy this relationship or not. Moreover, my GF seems to love me so much...it would be so unfare to break her heart for such immature reasons. See, when we started dating, I WAS into commitment, but as time passes, my ideals changed and now I'm more into getting a "free looking pass" than getting the old-couple style of life. All my friends tell me to stick with her cause we love each other so much, but this fear of commitment or "need for change" is killing me badly.

 

By the way, I'm sorry if I sound like an a**hole or a player, but I'm really not the kind of guy that can stand the same job/things/relationships/cars... longer than one year or two before getting bored with them...that's just it and I've always been like that since I'm a child! I have always need 5 flashlights (different models), 6 radio controlled cars and many many different music CD/tapes to listen to.

 

And I know I sound like I don't love my GF much anymore, but the fact is that when I started feeling "stuck with her for the rest of my life" I started loosing grip and my feelings seemed to slip, even though sex is excellent, romantic feelings are great, etc

 

Thank you so much...!

 

Jeff22

[Tony T]

You don't have committment phobia at all. You're just smart. If you don't feel like you're ready to be with one person with the rest of your life, it is perfectly sane and rational not to do so. So what's the problem? Do you have a problem with being sane and intelligent?

 

It would be stupid beyond imagination to settle down with somebody just because you're in love with them. You can fall in love with somebody any time you elect to. That doesn't mean you have to marry them. It just means you have special feelings for them. If the timing isn't right, if you don't feel like you want to settle down, the DON'T.

 

You are a free human being and there is no gene that predetermineS when you will marry or if you will do so at all. Don't preoccupy yourself with this situation. When you are seeing ladies and you see signs of them getting serious, just let them know you love them and care about them but you are NOT ready to settle down. It's very much OK to be that way, for whatever reason.

 

One day, perhaps when you're 30, 40, 50, 60 or whenever, you will meet a lady, fall in love and you will be ready. You will feel that you just can't live without this person. You will feel the time is right and you'll ask that person to marry you. But, meanwhile, don't buckle to pressure from the outside.

 

Hell, when I was 22 I still believed in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Getting married was the last thing on my mind. It still isn't something I give a lot of thought to one way or the other. You're nuts to be worrying about that stuff. You're barely out of the cradle. Relax, enjoy everything you can in life. It's yours completely to do with whatever you wish.

 

Now go find something else to concern yourself about.

[yes]

i think it's great that you know yourself this well - it sounds like you know how to get what you want out of life.

 

i don't think you can hurt anyone, either, as long as you're up front & tell them you're not ready for committment. just bear in mind that some girls will be hurt by such a statement b/c they'll think it's just an excuse ... but that's not your problem, really.

 

best of luck,

-yes

[julietverni]

My boyfriend has been going through the same problem you're having for the past year now. He mentions it to me and we talk through it and it passes, but it does come up at least twice a year. Just this past Tuesday he finally told me he wants to break up over this and it absolutely tore me apart.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT break up with your girlfriend until you are 100% sure that this is what you want to do, and let her know beforehand what's been going through your mind. Tell her what you've been thinking about and talk with her about it. But do not break up with her out of the blue.

 

Feel free to respond if you want to talk more about this because I know A LOT about your situation and I'd like to save your girlfriend from the hell I went through.