dreamer Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 SORRY ABOUT ALL THE SPELLING ERRORS:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted July 22, 2003 Author Share Posted July 22, 2003 hi, im feeling alot better today, keeping busy now, i have a job for the summer and cant wait 4 the money, to spend it all on me lol just about to goto colegenow so im off, cheers dreamer, it means alot!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted July 30, 2003 Author Share Posted July 30, 2003 life just totally sux at the moment!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamer Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 well why?? whats going on??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 4, 2003 Author Share Posted August 4, 2003 yea, life is really sucking at the mo, everyone i know is breaking up everywhere and i just cant comprehend whats gone on, my ex is starting to email me now she sent 2 in like 5mins i am getting mixed signals, im not sure if ican remain friends with her, HELP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 Here's some personal experience.......I recently broke up with a girl of 2 1/2 years- we are both 20, and I know we weren't going to date al the way through college and get married, and if we did, it would have ended on account of not growing up I really think we are for each other, just not right now- I did the friend thing for a few months, things were great, wonderful, couldn't have been better-i pulled away, she would get upset and want me closer, so i thought it was working- well to make a long story short, it's come to the point i couldn't do it anymore, we are super close still, she understands i am cutting some ties for the moment, and that's ok with her, since she's the one that really wants the space to be her for a wh ile without really anyone else, she did the same stuff, she acted like my gf, her actions say she loves and likes me, but mind doesn't say that to me, she's confused- and frankly i could use it too since i don't want to be the one to wonder what else is out there- i think you should explain to her it's very difficult to do what you're doing, you'll feel better, and she'll get her space, give it some time to really miss each other, i mean almost no contact-see what happens, trust me, you'll feel better Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 6, 2003 Author Share Posted August 6, 2003 i dunno what to feel, she is emailing me and stuff but y is she doing this? i wanna be friends but i fear its hard, im so confused, i met a girl on the internet and we have hit it off, i dunno what to do though Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 The girl seems to be doing this because a part of her loves you-but another part wants to see whats out there. In reality, she probably knows she wants you-but just needs to make sure. Therefore, she keeps stringing you along. My ex was ridiculous, sending me letters with perfume on it, calling every night, and when I asked what she hasd figured out after a few months, she's like nothing yet-we've acted like we're together. Space is the only thing that will decide it one way or the other. As for the other girl-i wouldn't jump into the sack with her tomorrow night, but there's nothing wrong with a few dates, you're SINGLE now, your gf might even see you moving on and want you back, who knows-either way you get a good time and experience out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 7, 2003 Author Share Posted August 7, 2003 sorry, my bad, this new gal live across the world t me, i live in the uk and she lives in australia lol, no chance til i go meet her to jump in the sack lol, i know she still feels for me as she acts real nice sometimes, then i dont hear from her for a while, but theres no way im gonna be 2nd best in anyones life, she either wants me or not, i just have the guts to tell her that :'( Link to post Share on other sites
Aleroboy Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 I've heard that story from many people and lived through it myself. She found someone else and doesn't want to just leave you for him. You've probably noticed a new guy friend, that is "just" a friend. Happened to me, luckily the guy was abusive and she got out of it just in time (2 months) for me to end my rebound relationship with some sorority slut. Good luck bro. Kurt (21/M) & Lisa (16/F) Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 8, 2003 Author Share Posted August 8, 2003 hey get outa here, there has never been a close guy to her, she has never cheated on me and vice versa, look, just coz it happened to you dont mean its happened to me, if she has met a new guy then why would she still be friendly and chat a bit?? Link to post Share on other sites
lost Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 Maybe she still wants u as a friend. I'm in a very similar boat to u at the moment. My gf broke up with me about 2 months ago, because she was seeing another guy. She is the love of my life, my first and only, and she left me after a long relationship. But she still talks and chats to me, and we regularly see each other, but all that she wants to be with me is friends, depressing and agonizing i know, but wot can ya do? All I want to say is hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 8, 2003 Author Share Posted August 8, 2003 she is giving mixed feelings to me, happy when she is talking to me then she just stops for a hile then carries on like nothing has happened, i really hope she is happy as i dont want her to feel what i am, there is something we can do about it, lay it on the line to em, they will respect you for it, i id and she sorta was shocked!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mont Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 I empathise with this thread so much. I just found this page by looking on Google for something like "love lost get back" or something! I don't just empathise with the topic, but the timeline, as for me this descent into a sunless summer started - God, I just realised this! - on the first day of summer! Go figure... And, I can offer NO good advice because I am EXACTLY in the position of the original poster, and am as lost as he! (Although, for us it's a post university thing...) I could go on and on about my situation, but then I should start my own thread. I guess I just thought if I participated in this, I might figure something out or learn something - a bit of the blind leading the blind, though... So, my girlfriend (refuse to use that awful ex prefix!) said she didn't want to speak for three months, about a month after this happened, but then her mum got sick, and, voila, suddenly she needed to speak, we spoke over the course of a week, her voice was warm and full of love, our conversations full of all the pet names we used to call each other, said she wished she was in her city (university is over, so we are apart), and she said she wished we were still "together" that I could hug her hold her kiss her. The VERY next day, I rang her from an airport when in transit, and she acted rude as hell, as if I were imposing on her and disturbing her. She got what she needed from me, and was back to wanting to start a new phase of her life... When I say stuff like this, I'm sure anyone reading this would say she was very selfish, and I agree, but I also have loved her for three years, and accept her faults (few) because her qualities are so great! So, like the poster, I have had to "take care" of my girfriend some times, but visa versa too. We spent too much time together, sure, space would have been a good thing. Sorry, sorry, this is off the track, my own story... What should I say? Everyone tells me to give her space, that she will come back, (or maybe not). They all say she doesn't have enough experience, but when she sees how special I am, she will come back. Somtimes they say it would be horrible if she came back, because she doesn't respect me enough, or appreciate my idiosyncratic qualities - she would prefer someone exactly like her father, whereas I tend to be a bit more on the creative side - she would prefer it if I was more boring, basically! What a bad influence, they say.. What's my point? My point is, anyone can say anything he wants, yet nothing takes away from this deep deep feeling of profound, almost supernatural love - that is to say, of course I love her romantically, as a (best) friend, as the closest person in the world to me, but there is also some very weird element of what I can only imagine is what a parent might feel, in that I ALWAYS forgive her for anything, not matter what she does I cannot stay mad at her for more than a day. (This all has to do with the recent problems - in three years, I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the times I got truly mad at her - we got along nearly perfectly, we loved each other, each other's company...) So, she has decided I'm not THE ONE, although she tells her friends, who report back to me, that she still thinks, in the long run....who knows.... But she is determined to try out another guy, and this is the most crushing and devastating thing I can imagine. I kind of had that "experience" thing once before her, but she is really the only girl I've ever "been" with, and visa versa, and I know this isn't exaclty cool in today's world, but we are both cool people who just happened to fall in love, and that idea of her doing that (not to mention the emotions) with someone else makes me sick... But, I've said enough (far too much!), I just wish someone had a crytsal ball and could tell me what the future might hold. I miss her desparately, and want to know she'll come running back to me in a few months...we don't live in the same city, nor will we next year, but our paths might cross...she's a beautiful, attractive, intelligent, wonderful girl, and has always been the heart-throb of most guys she knows, and if she wansts a new boyfriend, she simply has to snap her fingers and choose from the candidates - does anyone actually think I have a chance? What should I do? I have NEVER posted anything on the internet in my life, so if I broke some rule by posting what turned into my story on someone else's thread, I'm so frigging sorry,but I don't think people probably come here when they are sparkling with mental clarity, and if nothing else, the length of this post should be some indication of my current heart-sick self...:-/ :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 hey there, dont worry about the long post, you gotta get them feelings out. this love i bare for her is more than just supernatrual it is indescribable, i fall asleep of an evening and dream of what it would be like with her again and that she comes back (everynight since the break-up) then i awake and realise that it was only a dream. i really love her and if she knew what pain and heartbreak i was going through im sure she would snap out of it as she says i havent done anything wrong to her, she just wants to try a new fresh start, baffling after 3 years now she decides this but hey i tried and i guess my best wasnt good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 I can completely relate to the situation of the original poster. About 3 weeks ago the woman I have been dating for the better part of a year called it off and said she needed time just after we got back from a trip. We have had a rocky relationship, but have always been very close and it has hurt a lot to know it is over. I am 31 and she is 32 and breaking up never gets easy. We have not had any nasty fights since the break up or anything like that but I did find myself losing sleep and sending her sappy emails about how much I love her. The one thing I have come to realize is that sending her emails or calling her to tell her I love her will only make it less likely she will come back. The constant Instant Messages or emails or phone calls about how much I love her would only drive her away. It has only been a day since we last spoke on IM, but I have made a commitment not to contact her at all. She said she would contact me this week and I am going to let that happen. She said she needs time or space, so I am going to give it to her. One or two things will happen. Either she will realize what she had and come back and we will work it out or the time will give me the space I need to let go of my feelings. To the original poster - love is a hard thing to cope with when you have to let it go or take a risk of not sharing it with the one you love. However, no matter how much you love someone, they have to want to love you back. You cannot change their mind with phone calls or emails. They have to make a decision in their own mind and heart that they want to share their life with you. If you back off and let her have her space away from you, you will get back your confidence and also self respect. Sappy emails make you look weak and has made me look the same. I want my confidence level sky high for one reason - I want to be happy. I can be happy without my girlfriend, however I would prefer to have her with me. You can also. You have to make a commitment to yourself to be happy no matter what she is doing. I want to call my recent ex girlfriend so badly right now just to hear her voice, but I know that is the one thing that will not bring her back. You just have to find the strength to look out for yourself anf realize you can be happy in life even if she is not in it. If you get your confidence back and she sees that you are capable of moving on without her, that is probably the only way she will come back. Women like a challenge and if you appear to be too easy of a catch you will never earn her respect and she will never come back... Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 that is so true, im the original poster, Daniel, i understand what you are saying and the last two posts have made me realise what i must do, you are completely right, thanx alot mate, Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Even though I have for the most part convinced myself that the only way to get her back or move on is to give her space away, that does not make her being gone any easier. I still miss her a lot, but I am not going to show my weak side any more. It will just not do me or any chances of it working any good. I hated admitting that to myself yesterday, but it was a realization I had to come to. I would love to call my ex, but that is the one thing that would hurt my chances more than anything else. I read somewhere else on this board that when a woman says she needs space you have to give it to her. If she gets bombarded or crowded, she will back further and further away. I do not want to ruin my chances, so I am sucking it up and just letting her make the next move if there is one to make... Either way I will be all right in the end... No matter how much it may suck today. Link to post Share on other sites
Mont Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 So, anyway, it's the summer, what are you doing? School doesn't start for a while for you, does it? I had already signed up for a language course, of all things, and arrived still very despondent. Well, actually, the day before I left, she had told me all sorts of wonderful things, then, in transit, she....whatever! The point is, I found myself ina new situation with new people, like a very compressed form of school - you are forced to meet people the first day, form social groups, all this stuff, at an incredibly compressed way. Nothing really to lose, either, because, outside chance, you might keep in touch with one or two people, realistically, you'll never see any of the people again. Four hours of classes, a little bit of homework, and screwing around, making friends, exploring, sight-seeing, sitting around cafes, whatever, for the rest of the day. It doesn't change the fundamental feeling, but...well, John Lennon once said, a bit off the subject, I suppose, but, "I'd rather suffer in comfort", and as long as your school doesn't start for a while, if you can afford it, finding yourself in a situation like I am in is really helpful in terms of short term feelings. I'm not suggesting it's more than an asprin, but, I mean, what's wrong with asprin? As for the long term, I desparately wish I'd known a few things a year ago, when we broke up for two weeks, because if I did, my entire world would be different. One: people's feelings don't go away over night, no matter what they say...Two: (this is again off the subject a bit, but...) Almost all fights/discussions (studies prove it!) which occur when people are upset enough that their hearts are beating faster, etc., end badly. If you simply MUST communicate, and simply CAN'T stop yourself, hit yourself over the head with a large hammer, promise yourself you can do so later, give yourself a time when you'll allow yourself to, whatever, but wait until you are calm. Because, as is the cliche, one should limit if not stop one's communication, but it will be infinitely more productive, if you simply must communicate, to do so when in a calm frame of mind. Of course, you then start out calm, and get upset. I mean, nothing's going to be perfect. EVERYONE says to give her space, I've heard that so many times, but, actually, what really happens is you do eventually get used (more, not completely) to being without her (at least for the present),and you therefore do, eventually, gain more confidence, and as soon as she sees that, her feelings and attitude etc at least have a chance to change back to the way they were. I'm just far too accustomed to communicating with her, and she knows me well enough to know I'm not faking anything, so as my confidence genuinely comes back, it at least gives her the chance to see me in a new light. I think what I actually believe is NO MATTER WHAT we needed time apart from each other, because we actually had grown too dependent on each other, so, in that sense, it is good, it had to happen. If I had played the game of NOT contacting her whatsoever, she might have come running back, or at least had serious second thoughts, but, in the end, she saw how desparate I'd become, and this just made things worse. But worse in the short term. In the long term, we really did both need to develop independently of each other, and at least this is now happening. She still has this desire to see what another guy would be like, and, just before she did what she did (I still can't bring myself to say it!) I was wondering, too, and kind of looking forward to being apart from her next year, thinking, hmmm, I wouldn't actually DO anything with anyone else (I'm not that much of a jerk), but just the freedom to freely sort of hang out with other girls without her constantly nearby was appealing. But, as soon as she did what she did, my mind set itself on another course, and over thecourse of the summer I have become more and more convinced that she is it, period, exclamation mark! She still has this desire to see what another guy is like, but, then, she knows I still want her... When the chips were down, and she was in trouble, she turned to me, now that everything is okay, she can be without me. Cold, cold, and selfish, yes... But, no one's perfect, and I still feel the same way. All I know is, with time, one can't help but feel more confident, and whether you are able to avoid contacting her or not, she will see that, and that can only be in your favour. I started the post with suggestions for HOW to feel better in the short term, and it's still the beginning of August, there might be something you can do, I've heard London is insanely hot right now, but it's hotter over here in... I actually was desparate enough to go to the "relationship" section of the bookshop, and most were crap, but some wisdom: About adults, but, still, reconcilliation - people's main wish was that they had stayed apart a bit longer. A year ago, when we split for two weeks, I did not have the confidence that her feelings would not vanish overnight, and so was persistent, and we got back together so soon... Yet, I saw an email I wrote back then, which said, God, I had been standing on the street soemwhere, and one thing had led to another, and although late Friday night, during that converstation plans for Saturday and Sunday had developed wth my friends and acqauintances. I still remember that. If we had still been together, I would have instinctively rung her before those converstations started, and my plans for the weekend would have been just her, rather than all these other things. She felt the same way when we were split, and it is TRAGIC, in retrospect, that I did not have the confidence in our feelings - AFTER SO LONG! - that I could not endure being apart a bit longer, to really solidify our independent lives. And, so, this time it's much worse, because one of her biggest complaints about me is a lack of a full life without her - which is true! So, the thing is, if her feelings are still strong, as I think you said they were, they'll only get stronger if you really concentrate on yourself, and make your life fuller. It would be much easier to do this away from London, and travelling around Europe, or taking a course somewhere or something, is a REALLY good thing to do, because you see yourself through others' eyes, you are constantly forced to see how others see you, to learn from them, with no real consequences because you'll probably not see these people again. I mean, get on a train, go to eastern europe. She will respect you so much more when she sees how confident you've become, and when you're no longer around, nearby, she will start thinking about you more and more. But, that should be a secondary motiviation, you should really do it for yourself. (I'm re-reading this before I post it, and realise that's bullshxx - if she's motivated you to do it, do it for her - why not? - do something for love...it's as good a motivation as any!) Another thing I got from one of those books is the idea of having a simple, short term goal. Like, say, by September 1, she'll at least admit there's a good chance for getting back together. By September 23, she says there's an even stronger chance. By October 15, you have a really nice romantic encounter. Something like that. But all of that will be a waste, you'lll have learnt nothing, and this whole thing will repeat itself, but worse, soemtime in the future, if you dont' change and grow. I'm not saying the lessons you need to learn are the ones I should have learnt a year ago, but it is a great opportunity to learn about yourself,she's not going to go falling in love with someone else while you're away somewhere (she'll think about you more and more, I'd bet!) - and, it's not so expensive to travel, I hope you can afford it, if not, at least visit a friend somewhere away from London if possible - or, hell, get some kind of job somehwere else...but, whatever, it should NOT be your primary motiviation (oh, why not!), but she'll respect you more, you'll change and be more confident, and maybe you can have a better relationship than you had before. And if that doesn't happen, at least you'll turn what has so far been an exclusively bad experience into something that has some benefit. But I'm optimistic for myself, and can't help be so for you, too. It's my first love, too (although I had one other girlfriend for a long time, it was never the same, never this intense, love, and yes, I too, woke up this morning, thinking...anyway...) I hope for the best for both of us, and for anyone reading this! Cheerio ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Mont Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 Oh - as for emails, it seems the best thing to do is write them in Outlook, or Word, or whatver, and wait a day or two. read them again. 9out of ten will be wanking embarrassments, and you'll thank me you took my advice, and you'll delete them. One out of ten might be wonderful - you can send that one. Read this again, and apply it! This advice is not intended so much for the original guy (sorry, it's Dan, right?) as for others, like the poster who was just talking about instant messaging, and others in that boat (sinking ship!) Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 I can agree with what you posted. So far it has been two days since I last was in touch with her and it does suck. However I have not cracked by calling or emailing her. I have wanted to, but I have resisted it and I think as the days move on, it will get easier and easier and the desire to get in touch with her will start to lessen. She told me last that she would call me this week. I will let her do just that. I have no reason to think anything will change because of a phone call, but I am not going to contact her before she contacts me. That would show weakness and I am not going to do that. It was not easy coming to the reslization that I have to give it time and back off. Not easy at all especially when she is on my mind a lot. Often times I do wonder what she is doing or thinking, but I will not let her know that. I have done just what you said before (i.e. writing emails I do not send) but I am even trying to resist doing that. In time it will get better, that I am sure of. In the end I will be better off one way or the other. I miss her a lot and wish things could work out, but the solution for me to be happy is not to keep in contact. It is for her to contact me... Call it a game. Call it whatever, this time I have no choice but to just suck it up and let her come to me. And if she does not, I will have gained back self confidence and respect that will ultimately allow me to move on to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Mont Posted August 16, 2003 Share Posted August 16, 2003 Yo Dan - what's up with you? I keep checking back to find out what happened - but, maybe, nothing yet...?!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 19, 2003 Author Share Posted August 19, 2003 mauki, this is my topic, go start your own please. yea im ok i suppose mont, i have been hanging out loads more with my mates and i really like it, my ex hads gone away on holiday for 2 weeks, she txts me from tunisia but i havent replied, before she wemt she agreed to go out with me for a chat an gossip session when she gets back, part of me cant wait but part of me is really nervous and scareed, even a part of me doesnt even want to go anymore but i need to clear my mind, get to know her again as mates and who knonws from there.?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mont Posted August 23, 2003 Share Posted August 23, 2003 Thanks for the update - You know what would be, IMHO, an incredibly generous thing to do (for the world!)? If, if/when it works out, you post again - even if it's several months from now. I've got this page bookmarked. Because most people - myself, for example, and you - found this board because we were despondent, and when things go well, one doesn't have the tendency to spill one's guts in front of strangers, one might end up with an unnecessarily pessimistic view of the world by looking over these boards... So, if it doesn't, if it does work out (I hope!), whatever happens - if, in a week, a month, a year, you let us (me, in particular!) know, I, for one, would appreciate it. I'm at the stage where it looks like it's gonna be a long long term thing if it works out for me... As i said, here I am on this summer thing, everyone falls in love with everyone else, it's so easy, it's so easy to have my girlfriend pushed to the back of my mind, but... My friend was here, who is wiser (and more experienced than me), and he said that' s a delusion, the real hurt will come later and will last (he said in his case it was years ago, and it still hurts - (this is not to do with just regular girlfirends, but with someone who, as in your case and mine, seems more special than it's possible to imagine, and with whom the feeling is so strong and intense, even after years, that it's clear that, perhaps (perhaps?) it might (might?) come again (maybe?) with someone else (although maybe not), but it is 1000% (sic) clear that it is not possible for a human being to feel a stronger feeling. And this after three years. Yeah, so, if it's THAT kind of a love, my friend said I should pursue it now. But I hear from her friends I shouldn't. At least I should wait. So... my point, to get back to it, is no matter what happens, if you're still alive with internet access, it would be really instructive and helpful to me, at least, and I'm sure to others, to learn what happens with you... I'll check back on this page every once in a while...I really hope, even if it goes well, if you move on, if it doesn't go well - but, even if it does go well (I hope), you let us know, because that might give others not only hope, but perhaps they can learn from you as well... Anyway, I sincerely hope for the best, although, of course, it might remain unresolved and unclear for a while... Cheers, :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author danandlea Posted August 23, 2003 Author Share Posted August 23, 2003 im all chocked, il update every day Link to post Share on other sites
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