Dealing with her past?

[Siphon9a]

New to the forum and looking for some guidance on my current situation. I haven't had a gf for awhile and had not really messed around and am not the 1 night stand kind of guy. Well I have friends that come over to my house and we play our drinking games on weekends. Well there was this girl that would come over and I had known her for around a year or so, she had started coming over to my house when my house became the "hangout". BTW, I'm 27 and she 24. Well we started talking on New Year's, started dating and all of that. Well we got together as bf/gf or whatever basically around V-Day. Now on with the story.

 

She dated what she said was her first love for 2 years. He broke it off with her on V-Day and then basically for the entire year of 2007 she had a tough time. I found out from her telling me that she has slept with ten different people over the course of Feb-Dec of that year. One of which was some guy over 20yrs her senior. One guy is a close friend of mine and they were apparantly "friends with benefits". And she also had a drunken 1 night stand with another friend of mine. He and I are not close. Basically her explaination to me was that she was depressed from he breakup, all she wanted to do was drink and her sleeping with those guys was a way for her to feel like she had someone. To have someone laying next to her even if it was only temporary. She keeps telling me to not think about these things and to not worry about them. I'm not worried about them, it's just the stuff that runs through my head about one of these many guys on top of her doing whatever just irks me. I guess if she had been in a relationship with them, I would see it differently. But they were just a f***. And the number to me is staggering at least in my mind and world. And then the 40yr old??? In my mind I think, What have you not done? Makes me feel like what we have is really nothing as she has already shared that with so many and all this was in 2007 so it's not like it's been that long ago. She seems really into me and has been staying over at my house but the more I find out the more I'm afraid I'm looking at her differently and need direction on how I can move these things out of my head. After all, it's her past and my problem for letting it get to me. But I never expected a past that this recent and with so many. I wasn't raised with the mindset to deal with this kind of stuff in my head. I mean girls I've dated have had pasts, just not f****** up like this. Thoughts anyone?

 

Oh for what it's worth and if it even matters, I've only been with 6 women in my years and all of them I was in a relationship with.

Edited March 19, 2008 by Siphon9a

[mark982]

what she did b/4 you,can't change. in my mind it wouldn't even matter,if you care for her you are gonna have to accept it,sometimes it can be tuff, but she's with you that's all that matters..

[Siphon9a]

what she did b/4 you,can't change. in my mind it wouldn't even matter,if you care for her you are gonna have to accept it,sometimes it can be tuff, but she's with you that's all that matters..

 

That's what she keeps telling me. I almost feel like it's something in my mind that makes me think this way. Almost a negative voice that won't stop grinding at me. I guess maybe getting on here is my way to vent it out as I all of our friends are pretty much the same and I can't go look to them for guidance without it becoming public knowledge. Other than some kind of couseling is there something I could to do to get to the root of my problem? I guess I've got it in my head that was we have isn't really of importance as she has given that to alot of others in such a short amount of time. I know she had a tough year and kind of understand why she did what she did. She did say in a talk when all this came up that "she wishes that she could take it all back and that she doesn't want me to think she's a slut for doing those things". I think she thinks I look at her in that light but in her mind she's past all these things and seems happy with me. I guess I'm just confused. I see alot in her that I like and want to be able to just focus on that and push all this **** out of my head. I just don't know how.

[Bryanp]

This is a difficult position to be in. I understand that you do not feel very special but again it was before you met her but still. The problem I see is what happens in the future if she gets depressed or gets into a major fight with you? Will her outlet be to pick up any guy to sleep with so she will feel better? Is this how she reacts under stress? Another issues you may have is that she was with so many men in such a short period of time that the chances of her picking up some STD and giving it to you has got to be a concern for you.

 

I guess only you can decide if this will be a deal breaker for you. I wish you luck.

[Shindig]

If you can't look past her history to see who she is now, the issue is with you. Your preconcepts are normal but not healthy. Keep in mind that it's not what we believe, what we have done, or where we came from that makes us who we are. These things shape us but they don't define us, we define these things.

 

On the other hand, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can deal with the possiblilty that history will repeat itself, then you'll have to act accordingly.

 

You can't change the past. Accept it or move on.

[blind_otter]

I've said it many times before - there have been dozens of men/women who posts about exactly the same thing.

 

Google "retroactive jealousy"

[Siphon9a]

This is a difficult position to be in. I understand that you do not feel very special but again it was before you met her but still. The problem I see is what happens in the future if she gets depressed or gets into a major fight with you? Will her outlet be to pick up any guy to sleep with so she will feel better? Is this how she reacts under stress? Another issues you may have is that she was with so many men in such a short period of time that the chances of her picking up some STD and giving it to you has got to be a concern for you.

 

I guess only you can decide if this will be a deal breaker for you. I wish you luck.

 

I don't see that happening but then again, that would show her TRUE colors. Not something I would worry about as far as the cheating thing. Besides she seems like cheating is not her thing as she knows how it feels on the other end of things, as do I. And "our" friends would never let her live it down if she did. And the STD's, well she's been tested at her girly thing and was okay. SHE SAYS the only one she didn't use protection with was my friend Jason as they were "friends with benefits". I appreciated the response and the luck!

[Siphon9a]

If you can't look past her history to see who she is now, the issue is with you. Your preconcepts are normal but not healthy. Keep in mind that it's not what we believe, what we have done, or where we came from that makes us who we are. These things shape us but they don't define us, we define these things.

 

On the other hand, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can deal with the possiblilty that history will repeat itself, then you'll have to act accordingly.

 

You can't change the past. Accept it or move on.

 

This is what I'm trying to grasp. defining the things instead of the other way around. It's actually quite a relief to just talk on here and get some of this out.

 

As far as past behavior being the future behavior, she wasn't cheating on anyone, she was dealing with her past by making, what she claims to me, were bad decisions to deal with the present pain she felt. I can only go on what she tells me as the truth in that. Accepting it is what I'm working on doing as I know for a fact it's something in myself that is the direct cause of this and it's not her. My own insecurities and obsessive compulsion toward wanting to worry to much and brining negative things around me have been a problem for me for quite awhile. Hopefully, I can get these things dealt with and find the source of my grief.

[Cobra_X30]

That's what she keeps telling me. I almost feel like it's something in my mind that makes me think this way. Almost a negative voice that won't stop grinding at me.

 

Most people are going to tell you that its all your problem... that whatever she did before has nothing to do with you... and a whole world of other garbage. Here is the straight poop. First... what she did reflects on who she is. Keep that in context. So you should have a clear understanding that if you went out of town for 2 months, there is a higher chance she would go chasing after other men. That's fact.

 

Second, your feeling jealous of her past primarily because she fails to make you feel as though you are different or special. Maybe get her to work harder at that.

 

You also should recognize that you more than likley have personal insecurities that magnify these problems.

 

I can't count the amount of times I've heard a skanky girl use the line "But I'm with you NOW." as if that means something. It doesnt... because yesterday... that NOW was with another guy.

 

So... tell her how you feel. Let her know that some of it is your personal insecurities... another part is her problem... and you both have to work together to fix it.

[Siphon9a]

Most people are going to tell you that its all your problem... that whatever she did before has nothing to do with you... and a whole world of other garbage. Here is the straight poop. First... what she did reflects on who she is. Keep that in context. So you should have a clear understanding that if you went out of town for 2 months, there is a higher chance she would go chasing after other men. That's fact.

 

Second, your feeling jealous of her past primarily because she fails to make you feel as though you are different or special. Maybe get her to work harder at that.

 

You also should recognize that you more than likley have personal insecurities that magnify these problems.

 

I can't count the amount of times I've heard a skanky girl use the line "But I'm with you NOW." as if that means something. It doesnt... because yesterday... that NOW was with another guy.

 

So... tell her how you feel. Let her know that some of it is your personal insecurities... another part is her problem... and you both have to work together to fix it.

 

As far as the chasing after other guys, well it's too early to tell whether that would be an issue or not. I know that the 1 guy she "fell in love" with broke up with her over drugs and a stripper. Got to be some irony in that. She's always affectionate towards me, wants to be next to and all that. I think the last part of what your saying is the main source and what Blind Otter said, the RJ is something I have to get over in my own mind and just realize, she's with me in a relationship and not just a 1 night thing. She was that way towards me from the beginning, or so she says. Who knows. I've heard from her friends, that are my friends, that she liked me and wanted to see where it would go.

 

We have talked about my insecurites and she's reassuring when she feels I'm down, it's just at some point I need to f****** man up and just get over it. When I don't say anything to her about it when I'm down, she can tell and automatically becomes even more affectionate. Maybe I'm on here to spill my story to you guys as a way to get past the thoughts in my head. I thought about making private blogs on myspace but with the stuff I might say that goes through my head. If it was accidentally viewed. Man I'd be in deep poop!.

[Siphon9a]

I've said it many times before - there have been dozens of men/women who posts about exactly the same thing.

 

Google "retroactive jealousy"

 

 

I've seen your past posted and am glad you posted. I've looked up the RJ and have def self-diagnosed myself with that problem. Couple that with my obsessive-compulsiveness and you got a mess on your hands. I wonder if I could direct the OC into a positive channel instead of such a negative one. I hate being insecure about myself and it causing my partner grief. Any advise blind otter?

[Cobra_X30]

As far as the chasing after other guys, well it's too early to tell whether that would be an issue or not. I know that the 1 guy she "fell in love" with broke up with her over drugs and a stripper. Got to be some irony in that. She's always affectionate towards me, wants to be next to and all that. I think the last part of what your saying is the main source and what Blind Otter said, the RJ is something I have to get over in my own mind and just realize, she's with me in a relationship and not just a 1 night thing. She was that way towards me from the beginning, or so she says. Who knows. I've heard from her friends, that are my friends, that she liked me and wanted to see where it would go.

 

Well, it sounds like your assuming a good chunk of the responsibility for this. You probably should.... it sounds like your insecurities are getting the better of you.

 

So... if she is all that and a bag of chips with you... why does that not make you feel special?

[Isabella82]

no one knows me here so I'll be honest. I am 25 have been with 7 guys. However my first year of college I did everything but sex with over 10 guys within one year. No sex because to me that was too intimate but oral to me was fine. I know people don't agree.

 

My reasoning?? My ex of 2 years cheated on me. I was depressed. It was college. I was used to getting it whenever I wanted that it was hard to stop completely. I mean I kissed over 30 guys within a year. I believed that love did not exist. My ex made me feel like it was all crap. I guess the best way to describe would be hmmm I will act like a guy now. No emotion just playing around.

 

I am not a slut. I've only had sex with bf except one FWB because another ex broke my heart later on in life but I still had my needs. My bf hates hearing about it but I am completely faithful. I don't go running to other guys when we have issues. I'm not proud of my past but let it go. It was in the past.

 

When someone cheats on you people take it differently. It was my 1st love I'm sure hers was the same situation give her a break. She is with you now, treat her right.

Edited March 19, 2008 by Isabella82

[Siphon9a]

Well, it sounds like your assuming a good chunk of the responsibility for this. You probably should.... it sounds like your insecurities are getting the better of you.

 

So... if she is all that and a bag of chips with you... why does that not make you feel special?

 

 

Because I have a negative innerself that I cannot kill off. I seen a couple doctors. I have trouble relaxing, am compulsive when it comes to many things, and get myself in the situation where I feel I lack "self-worth".

 

I see her as a caring, genuine person who was hurt by the person she loved in her past. She delt with it in the only way she knew how. Allbeit not necessarily the right way. She says she just wants to forget about the past and move on with me. She calls me everyday, stays the night with me at my house, always holding hands and wants me to go everywhere and do everything with her. Why that doesn't make me feel special?

 

Cause seem to be my own worst enemy. Maybe writing here is the start to get past it all? I mean afterall, it's her past, either I can get over it or I shouldn't be with her. Well I want to be with her so I've got only one other option but to look to myself as the source of the problem.

[Siphon9a]

no one knows me here so I'll be honest. I am 25 have been with 7 guys. However my first year of college I did everything but sex with over 10 guys within one year. No sex because to me that was too intimate but oral to me was fine. I know people don't agree.

 

My reasoning?? My ex of 2 years cheated on me. I was depressed. It was college. I was used to getting it whenever I wanted that it was hard to stop completely. I mean I kissed over 30 guys within a year. I believed that love did not exist. My ex made me feel like it was all crap. I guess the best way to describe would be hmmm I will act like a guy now. No emotion just playing around.

 

I am not a slut. I've only had sex with bf except one FWB because another ex broke my heart later on in life but I still had my needs. My bf hates hearing about it but I am completely faithful. I don't go running to other guys when we have issues. I'm not proud of my past but let it go. It was in the past.

 

When someone cheats on you people take it differently. It was my 1st love I'm sure hers was the same situation give her a break. She is with you now, treat her right.

 

What you just described is her. To the letter, that's her. And as far as treating her right, that's not the problem. I care for her and respect her. I'm just trying to find a way to understand everything in my own mind so I can put this garbage out of my head. I'm not worried about her cheating on me or anything like that. Does your bf know about everything? What was his take at first when he found out about it all? How do you think he deals with it in his mind?

 

Thanks so much for you reply. It's nice to hear the response from someone on the other side of the situation so I can try and rationalize my own mind.

[Shindig]

Self knowledge is probably the most difficult step in self-improvement. It sounds like you have an honest relationship with a caring person who might also be willing to help you with and look past your flaws just as you're learning to help her with and move past her flaws. Good luck.

[AussieJack]

I am not going to get all moral about this.

 

So this is what I think in a general way (more advice to younger men - this is getting to be a habit with me)

 

!. The way she acted is an indicator of her emotional maturity. SHe had random sex with anonymous men to "feel" better. Fact.

2. You are disturbed about this otherwise you would not have posted about it. Fact.

3.You have tried, thru your choice of word play, to partially deny and minimise your feelings of being disturbed by her recent past behavior . My opinion.

4. The end of any relationship is ALWAYS in the beginning if we look closely . My opinion.

5. IF her behavior is not OK with you then her behavior is not OK.

Pop counseling.

 

Good luck with this.

[Shindig]

Glad to see there's diversity of opinion.

 

AussieJack has proposed some plausible hypotheses to explain your SO's behavior but keep in mind there are other plausible hypotheses as well.

 

1. Sleeping with anonymous men might be a sign of emotional insecurity, it could also be an indicator that she draws a distinction between sex and intimacy and has sex because... it's fun (like many men do).

 

2. Being concerned about the future is normal, especially for intelligent or thoughtful people who are more likely to ruminate over problems and examinig possible outcomes.

 

3. I take this to be a sign you really like her... a good sign.

 

4. Looking for an end means you're more likely to find it. I prefer a more Zen-like philosophy: appreciate the moment for what it is and keep realistic expectations and perspectives (don't take this to mean you should disregard the future... that would be dumb).

 

5. There is always room for growth. There is, however, no growth without anxiety. Ask yourself why it bothers you (which you're doing). Ask if it is a rational reason or not. If not, then find a way to work through it. If it is rational, then act accordingly.

[Cobra_X30]

Because I have a negative innerself that I cannot kill off. I seen a couple doctors. I have trouble relaxing, am compulsive when it comes to many things, and get myself in the situation where I feel I lack "self-worth".

I see her as a caring, genuine person who was hurt by the person she loved in her past. She delt with it in the only way she knew how. Allbeit not necessarily the right way. She says she just wants to forget about the past and move on with me. She calls me everyday, stays the night with me at my house, always holding hands and wants me to go everywhere and do everything with her. Why that doesn't make me feel special?

Cause seem to be my own worst enemy. Maybe writing here is the start to get past it all? I mean afterall, it's her past, either I can get over it or I shouldn't be with her. Well I want to be with her so I've got only one other option but to look to myself as the source of the problem.

 

My original point was that you need to work WITH her on this. I still think that is the way to go, however you must approach it in a way that doesn't make her feel judged or incriminated.

 

In other words, you should focus on this as your issue, and ask her to help you with that.

 

Do you have that negative monologue going on inside your head? Where your often not the person you want to be?

[Siphon9a]

I am not going to get all moral about this.

 

So this is what I think in a general way (more advice to younger men - this is getting to be a habit with me)

 

!. The way she acted is an indicator of her emotional maturity. SHe had random sex with anonymous men to "feel" better. Fact.

2. You are disturbed about this otherwise you would not have posted about it. Fact.

3.You have tried, thru your choice of word play, to partially deny and minimise your feelings of being disturbed by her recent past behavior . My opinion.

4. The end of any relationship is ALWAYS in the beginning if we look closely . My opinion.

5. IF her behavior is not OK with you then her behavior is not OK.

Pop counseling.

 

Good luck with this.

 

1. True

2. True

3. True

4. You lost me on that one? Can you elaborate on you opinion of that and what you mean?

5. Her past behavior I was not okay with. How we are together is a totally different story. From her, she says as the other girl posted, it's not something she is proud of, but has moved on from it. I would guess the moving on is that she met me????

[Siphon9a]

Glad to see there's diversity of opinion.

 

AussieJack has proposed some plausible hypotheses to explain your SO's behavior but keep in mind there are other plausible hypotheses as well.

 

1. Sleeping with anonymous men might be a sign of emotional insecurity, it could also be an indicator that she draws a distinction between sex and intimacy and has sex because... it's fun (like many men do).

 

2. Being concerned about the future is normal, especially for intelligent or thoughtful people who are more likely to ruminate over problems and examinig possible outcomes.

 

3. I take this to be a sign you really like her... a good sign.

 

4. Looking for an end means you're more likely to find it. I prefer a more Zen-like philosophy: appreciate the moment for what it is and keep realistic expectations and perspectives (don't take this to mean you should disregard the future... that would be dumb).

 

5. There is always room for growth. There is, however, no growth without anxiety. Ask yourself why it bothers you (which you're doing). Ask if it is a rational reason or not. If not, then find a way to work through it. If it is rational, then act accordingly.

 

 

Thanks for the reply Shindig. To reply:

 

1. Yes it is emotional insecurity on her part given the break up of her first love. She did what she did to feel wanted so she didn't feel alone. She said it wasn't about the sex so much as it was about the companionship of a person being with her. "These are her words"

 

2. That is definitely me. I have trouble keeping my mind and rest and pushing thoughts out that I don't want to be there. Kind of like an angel on one shoulder and devil on the other. Seems like the devil always wins. Guess that's true of the world. :o/

 

3. I really do like her, her company, everything about her, well except the past. That's all that bothers me about her. Stupid I know but huge in my mind at least for now.

 

4. She has told me the same to just go with what's given. Someone like me with the "plan it all, try and control it all, even though I know deep down I can't" personality....well thats a hard pill to swallow. I want to be like that.

 

5. Room for growth. We can all learn from alot of things in life. Maybe this is a test for me and my emotional being to see if I have what it takes to be in a serious relationship? Who knows.

 

 

I just know I like this girl, when were together I'm happy and I want to get this crap outta my mind for good. She mentioned that time will help with those things. Maybe she's right.

[Siphon9a]

My original point was that you need to work WITH her on this. I still think that is the way to go, however you must approach it in a way that doesn't make her feel judged or incriminated.

 

In other words, you should focus on this as your issue, and ask her to help you with that.

 

Do you have that negative monologue going on inside your head? Where your often not the person you want to be?

 

Oh yes I have the negative going on in my head. It doesn't happen all the time. Just sometimes it will randomly popup and I'll see or think something in my head and then off my I go running with it. You may have hit something there, I'm very often not the person I want to be. I'm reluctant to take compliment to anything I do and always find fault within myself. Why?

[Cobra_X30]

Oh yes I have the negative going on in my head. It doesn't happen all the time. Just sometimes it will randomly popup and I'll see or think something in my head and then off my I go running with it. You may have hit something there, I'm very often not the person I want to be. I'm reluctant to take compliment to anything I do and always find fault within myself. Why?

 

Two generic answers. Brain chemistry, plus past experience has taught you to be negative like this. Consider what in your past may have provided you this type of thought process.

 

Also... when this begins, try to focus your thoughts on those things that make you great! If you can't think of anything... you need big help!

[Isabella82]

I think that people go through different perspectives in their life when it comes to sex. In HS at 15 my 1st sexual experience I thought oh I'm in love and he loves me too!!! Ha was I wrong welcome to the world of teenage guys telling girls everything they want to hear. Of course my brothers warned me but I thought oh no not him.

 

Then you know in college I finally for the 1st time ever learned how to have sex/mess around without all the feelings and emotions. It was empowering i finally understood how guys can be like that and it all made perfect sense. People men AND women have needs. Why is it okay for a guy but not a girl?? It feels good for us too!

 

My 1st FWB situation I never thought in a million years I could emotionally do that but it worked perfectly for a whole year! Amazing mind blowing sex without all the worry/jealously etc...

 

My bf now, I decided to give love another chance. He knows what I have done and he doesnt comletely understand. He has said some pretty mean things to me before or he will say I know how you are! If we break up you would hook up with a guy the next day.

 

#1 thats not true

#2 he would definately do that!

 

I think for him it was easy to forget because I went though my bad girl stage at 18-19. My FWB at 21-22. I am now 25 and he didnt know any of these guys.

 

You might have a problem because you know some of these guys and it was all so recent.

 

Some benefits of my experience is I have experienced many different guys so 10 yrs down the road I won't say "I wonder what it would he like to be with someone else. Been there done that! And my bf always says "wow where did u learn that, how did u get so good??" So he can enjoy all my practice.

 

I rather have a meaningful relationship, don't let her past hurt you. I am sure u have done things that u r not proud of. No one is innocent.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Isabella82

[Isabella82]

One thing I just thought of that can hopefully make u feel better about the situation. All of these 10+ guys that she messed around with obviously she didnt want a long term relationship with whereas she thinks u are better than them and special and she wants to give her heart to you because she thinks u r worth it.

 

Example I have had oral both ways with a guy I met at some random party or kissed a guy with heavy grinding at a club BUT when I met my now BF I immediately felt something there. I made him wait 2 months before we did anything. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it to be special and I wanted to have a long term relationship.