Dealing with her past?

[HenryII]

U are just like a lot of men . We put our women on pedastals. They can do no wrong.

U claim u knew her for about a year and used to hang out at your place. I can't believe that u did not realize she had a colored past o. , or did I miss something in your first post.

U can't change the past. And u can't prdict the fiture. So, when u are with her tonite u don't have to worry about anyone else.I have been in the same boat as u.

Married a virgin, not my choice, hers. However years into it she feel out of love and needed to sew some wild oats. Divorce,etc.

Your girl has already done that and may now be ready for that true love ,long term commitment? Only time will tell.

Met a girl with a past who was not afraid to talk about it. Accept me for who I am not what I've done. However what you've done sort of defines who u are does'nt it?

I really feel your pain, it hurts the man who puts his women on a pedistal when we find out they can be just like men , and we all know all men are whores. Its in the brain stem!

[Siphon9a]

Two generic answers. Brain chemistry, plus past experience has taught you to be negative like this. Consider what in your past may have provided you this type of thought process.

 

Also... when this begins, try to focus your thoughts on those things that make you great! If you can't think of anything... you need big help!

 

I'll def look deeper into it. I actually talked with her last night and she said she understands why I feel the way I do. She understands some things are a big deal to me but she says I make them a bigger deal. Like I go over the top with it I guess.

Whatever the case, I'll work on me so I can feel better about everything. I appreciate the adivce Cobra. It's help me see some things I need to work on inside myself.

[blind_otter]

I've seen your past posted and am glad you posted. I've looked up the RJ and have def self-diagnosed myself with that problem. Couple that with my obsessive-compulsiveness and you got a mess on your hands. I wonder if I could direct the OC into a positive channel instead of such a negative one. I hate being insecure about myself and it causing my partner grief. Any advise blind otter?

 

cobra gave some great advice. It's all about replacing those negative thought patterns with positive ones. At first it feels contrived and awkward, to say positive things about yourself in your inner monologue when you've been so used to the negative parts. But over time it gets easier.

 

Believe me, I had dismal self-esteem and a very negative inner monologue for many, many years. I did pursue individual counseling and some medication therapy (I no longer take the meds, tho) to achieve progress in terms of my personal insecurities.

[AAlike]

U are just like a lot of men . We put our women on pedastals. They can do no wrong.

U claim u knew her for about a year and used to hang out at your place. I can't believe that u did not realize she had a colored past o. , or did I miss something in your first post.

U can't change the past. And u can't prdict the fiture. So, when u are with her tonite u don't have to worry about anyone else.I have been in the same boat as u.

Married a virgin, not my choice, hers. However years into it she feel out of love and needed to sew some wild oats. Divorce,etc.

Your girl has already done that and may now be ready for that true love ,long term commitment? Only time will tell.

Met a girl with a past who was not afraid to talk about it. Accept me for who I am not what I've done. However what you've done sort of defines who u are does'nt it?

I really feel your pain, it hurts the man who puts his women on a pedistal when we find out they can be just like men , and we all know all men are whores. Its in the brain stem!

 

Yeah, there are a lot of issues here - men seeing their women as "tainted" or compromised somewhat if they've had a fair amount of sex, and as you mentioned, the whole "wild oats" thing.

 

That's what you need to realize, most people do have a sexual exploration/expression period in them, whether it's early or later in life, and it very often occurs relatively soon after people lose their virginity, or after a serious relationship, when people have tapped into their own sexuality a little bit and the libido is still running at full steam. And as Henry pointed out here, it's probably better that it happens when they are younger than when they've been married for ten years. What your girlfriend did, OP, is not really out of the norm - most women I know that had any sort of promiscuous period in their lives did so right after a relationship. you can look at it as some product of being "emotionally unstable" if you want, but what single 20-something is emotionally sound these days?

 

Another thing that is probably magnifying the effect for you is that, according to you, you have never had casual sex of this nature, and we naturally tend to demonize sexual behavior that we do not engage in. So the stuff that she's done that you haven't seems "filthy" because you have no frame of reference - in my case, my girl had a fairly colorful past but none of it bothered me except a one-off crazy night she had a few years back that involved more than one guy. Since I had never had nor wanted a group thing like that, it struck me as so shocking and disturbing when in reality it really isn't any different than any other sex. What you need to realize is that most casual sex isn't some crazy manifestation of unbridled lust, free from the restrictions of relationships - it's usually bland and akward and registers barely a point of masturbation as far as satisfaction and significance. we live in a culture where the sexual behaviors of others affects us more than our own. so odd.

 

These topics often spark debate on whether the past should matter or not - and I think Henry's question here is quite important:

 

"Accept me for who I am not what I've done. However what you've done sort of defines who u are does'nt it?"

 

and I would argue that it does not when it comes to matters like these. I think that the only decisions that you make that should define who you are are ones that have an overall, long-term lasting effect on your life or the lives of others. a conscious decision to have consentual, PROTECTED sex with another single person is not a decision that harms anyone, unless of course future signficant others let it harm them! some people have a very different viewpoint and think that this decision is very serious and character-defining. If you are one of those people, you could have some issues, but it seems to me that you're not based on the fact that you're realizing that this is YOUR problem and not a general problem and asking for help instead of just writing her off.

 

and really, people generally just grow up and move on and forget about that crap. maybe that'll help you...I mean, I had a pretty decent amount of casual sex (although I'd say that I was pretty discerning, I was just single for a long time) and now that I'm in a great relationship, I don't ever even think about the flings that I've had nor the prospect of any flings in the future - it almost feels like that was a different life. and I know how little those experiences affected or have defined me beyond just being learning experiences - they were simply situational decisions that I made as a result of being lonely and horny. not a huge deal.

 

eventually it should all pass, especially as you start to develop new experiences, both sexually and others, to eclipse those old ones.

[Siphon9a]

I think that people go through different perspectives in their life when it comes to sex. In HS at 15 my 1st sexual experience I thought oh I'm in love and he loves me too!!! Ha was I wrong welcome to the world of teenage guys telling girls everything they want to hear. Of course my brothers warned me but I thought oh no not him.

 

Then you know in college I finally for the 1st time ever learned how to have sex/mess around without all the feelings and emotions. It was empowering i finally understood how guys can be like that and it all made perfect sense. People men AND women have needs. Why is it okay for a guy but not a girl?? It feels good for us too!

 

My 1st FWB situation I never thought in a million years I could emotionally do that but it worked perfectly for a whole year! Amazing mind blowing sex without all the worry/jealously etc...

 

My bf now, I decided to give love another chance. He knows what I have done and he doesnt comletely understand. He has said some pretty mean things to me before or he will say I know how you are! If we break up you would hook up with a guy the next day.

 

#1 thats not true

#2 he would definately do that!

 

I think for him it was easy to forget because I went though my bad girl stage at 18-19. My FWB at 21-22. I am now 25 and he didnt know any of these guys.

 

You might have a problem because you know some of these guys and it was all so recent.

 

Some benefits of my experience is I have experienced many different guys so 10 yrs down the road I won't say "I wonder what it would he like to be with someone else. Been there done that! And my bf always says "wow where did u learn that, how did u get so good??" So he can enjoy all my practice.

 

I rather have a meaningful relationship, don't let her past hurt you. I am sure u have done things that u r not proud of. No one is innocent.

 

Thanks for the reply. I guess alot of that does make sense. People do have needs and different people meet those needs in different ways. I'll probably never completely understand her reasoning behind what she did, but then again, I'm not the one who has to live with those things. And yes, part of my problem is that it's all so recent and I know some of these people and know what they're about. In fact I just went to a hockey game with her used to be FWB last night. He feels akward about it, you can tell. Four of us went and he didn't really say much to me at all. I guess it's just one of those things, that with time maybe I'll put it all out of my head. I know in a past relationship I was kinda this way as I knew her ex and we didn't talk for awhile but after some time, it was all okay.

 

She told me last night that maybe with time and her showing me how serious she is, I will put it aside and not worry but that she wants me to focus on the present and not so distant future. She worked to put those things out of her head as she used to cry alot about all of the stuff going on in her life and the mess she made of it. She did tell me before we got together and I knew all this stuff that she was working to put her life back together and become herself again. I guess all of it makes sense, at least it's kinds starting to in my mind. It certainly helps talking to all of you guys on here, thats for sure.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Siphon9a

[Siphon9a]

U are just like a lot of men . We put our women on pedastals. They can do no wrong.

U claim u knew her for about a year and used to hang out at your place. I can't believe that u did not realize she had a colored past o. , or did I miss something in your first post.

U can't change the past. And u can't prdict the fiture. So, when u are with her tonite u don't have to worry about anyone else.I have been in the same boat as u.

Married a virgin, not my choice, hers. However years into it she feel out of love and needed to sew some wild oats. Divorce,etc.

Your girl has already done that and may now be ready for that true love ,long term commitment? Only time will tell.

Met a girl with a past who was not afraid to talk about it. Accept me for who I am not what I've done. However what you've done sort of defines who u are does'nt it?

I really feel your pain, it hurts the man who puts his women on a pedistal when we find out they can be just like men , and we all know all men are whores. Its in the brain stem!

 

Thanks for the reply Henry. It's true I knew a little about her past. Not nearly as much as I know now with the number of people after her break with her bf guy. She's not afraid to talk to me about, is very open and wants me to be same, which I am. I talked with her some last night after coming onto this site and getting such an overwhelming response to my problem. I don't doubt that she's ready for a real commitment but just as you said, only time will tell me those things. We shall see. I know I've grown from my past experiences and learned how stupid some of the choices I made were. But I guess if I continue to look back, I'll never see what's in front of me.

[Siphon9a]

cobra gave some great advice. It's all about replacing those negative thought patterns with positive ones. At first it feels contrived and awkward, to say positive things about yourself in your inner monologue when you've been so used to the negative parts. But over time it gets easier.

 

Believe me, I had dismal self-esteem and a very negative inner monologue for many, many years. I did pursue individual counseling and some medication therapy (I no longer take the meds, tho) to achieve progress in terms of my personal insecurities.

 

I've read through some of your posts on subjects like this and you did give me alot of insight on the why and how. I know I can get over my insecurites, cause if there's one thing I know I can do, when I decide to do something, it's all or nothing. I don't teeter one way or the other. I'll dive head on into it. And I am damned determined to get myself out of this rut and he happy. I'm finally happy with my job, friends, family, and her as my gf. That should be enough. But the negative voice tries to come up and run me crazy. I just gotta get to it's source and kill it.

[Siphon9a]

Yeah, there are a lot of issues here - men seeing their women as "tainted" or compromised somewhat if they've had a fair amount of sex, and as you mentioned, the whole "wild oats" thing.

 

That's what you need to realize, most people do have a sexual exploration/expression period in them, whether it's early or later in life, and it very often occurs relatively soon after people lose their virginity, or after a serious relationship, when people have tapped into their own sexuality a little bit and the libido is still running at full steam. And as Henry pointed out here, it's probably better that it happens when they are younger than when they've been married for ten years. What your girlfriend did, OP, is not really out of the norm - most women I know that had any sort of promiscuous period in their lives did so right after a relationship. you can look at it as some product of being "emotionally unstable" if you want, but what single 20-something is emotionally sound these days?

 

Another thing that is probably magnifying the effect for you is that, according to you, you have never had casual sex of this nature, and we naturally tend to demonize sexual behavior that we do not engage in. So the stuff that she's done that you haven't seems "filthy" because you have no frame of reference - in my case, my girl had a fairly colorful past but none of it bothered me except a one-off crazy night she had a few years back that involved more than one guy. Since I had never had nor wanted a group thing like that, it struck me as so shocking and disturbing when in reality it really isn't any different than any other sex. What you need to realize is that most casual sex isn't some crazy manifestation of unbridled lust, free from the restrictions of relationships - it's usually bland and akward and registers barely a point of masturbation as far as satisfaction and significance. we live in a culture where the sexual behaviors of others affects us more than our own. so odd.

 

These topics often spark debate on whether the past should matter or not - and I think Henry's question here is quite important:

 

"Accept me for who I am not what I've done. However what you've done sort of defines who u are does'nt it?"

 

and I would argue that it does not when it comes to matters like these. I think that the only decisions that you make that should define who you are are ones that have an overall, long-term lasting effect on your life or the lives of others. a conscious decision to have consentual, PROTECTED sex with another single person is not a decision that harms anyone, unless of course future signficant others let it harm them! some people have a very different viewpoint and think that this decision is very serious and character-defining. If you are one of those people, you could have some issues, but it seems to me that you're not based on the fact that you're realizing that this is YOUR problem and not a general problem and asking for help instead of just writing her off.

 

and really, people generally just grow up and move on and forget about that crap. maybe that'll help you...I mean, I had a pretty decent amount of casual sex (although I'd say that I was pretty discerning, I was just single for a long time) and now that I'm in a great relationship, I don't ever even think about the flings that I've had nor the prospect of any flings in the future - it almost feels like that was a different life. and I know how little those experiences affected or have defined me beyond just being learning experiences - they were simply situational decisions that I made as a result of being lonely and horny. not a huge deal.

 

eventually it should all pass, especially as you start to develop new experiences, both sexually and others, to eclipse those old ones.

 

AAlike, you hit the nail on the head. You description is 100% exactly how I feel about it all. It is very wierd how the actions of others in this circumstance bother you more than the actions of your own self. As far as her encounters, she says she barely even remembers them at all. Maybe she does or doesn't, I'm going off that she's telling me the truth as she has been pretty straight forward with me thus far. Maybe thats my problem. No point of reference leads me to think it's wrong. I know I'm at a crossroad in my mind, outlook, and personality with all of this. I can feel that. I just want to make sure I'm on the right road when it all plays out. You said you did those things from being lonely, those same words came from her. She was lonely and needed something to feel. She was always crying and felt numb about life and hated it at one point. She would drink and drink and then go out and do these things to feel something. When I met in the manner of wanting to date her, these things had sort stopped and she was putting her life back together. Thanks alot for posting that. It's amazing that so many people deal with this same kind of thing. I wonder, if I had a past like that, none of this would probably bother me at all would it? I guess thats why I'm having such a hard time grasping it, cause I never chose to make those kinds of decisions. Maybe it was fear that kept me from it or my idea of personal respect for myself, who knows.

 

I realize the problem lies within myself and certainly didn't just wanna write her off as something she's not. She's a sweet caring person, who just wants to be happy. Ever since we got together, she always says she happy, she's smiles, laughs, acts like a little kid around me. She wants to make sure I'm happy and is always doing little things for me, ie...notes, letters she'll leave at my house after I left for work and she's getting ready for her work. She even cleans up around my house! She also wants to make sure I'm happy during the intimate times as well. See how this paragraph went. I start looking at the good things and I run with it. Same thing happens when I think about the bad, I run with it. Like my thoughts start snowballing downhill. If I can get the bad stuff out, I'll be set!

 

Maybe like you, her, and others have said, with time all this will pass and become a memory. What I do know that is fact, she cares for me, wants to be a part of my life, wants me to be part of hers, and wants us to be able to understand each other and communicate, which is what we are working on building. She said last night she knows that it will take time for me to work through it all and she said she will just wait and for me to work on focusing more on her and I now and to just talk with her when I start to have these feelings.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Siphon9a

[AAlike]

AAlike, you hit the nail on the head. You description is 100% exactly how I feel about it all. It is very wierd how the actions of others in this circumstance bother you more than the actions of your own self. As far as her encounters, she says she barely even remembers them at all. Maybe she does or doesn't, I'm going off that she's telling me the truth as she has been pretty straight forward with me thus far. Maybe thats my problem.

 

let's put it this way - after talking to her several times about it and generally obsessing over what she told me about, my girlfriend made a very valid point when she said to me that I had thought more about it in a couple of weeks than she had in several years. I'm sure that she remembers having the encounters, but probably not nearly in the detail that you're imagining them. when it comes down to it, really, since most casual sex lacks the intimacy of emotionally charged sex, people will naturally be more inhibited and the sex itself is probably more likely to be mundane. and really, it's kinda crazy to evaluate a person for their actions in what amounts to probably three hours or so of total time.

 

No point of reference leads me to think it's wrong. I know I'm at a crossroad in my mind, outlook, and personality with all of this. I can feel that. I just want to make sure I'm on the right road when it all plays out. You said you did those things from being lonely, those same words came from her. She was lonely and needed something to feel. She was always crying and felt numb about life and hated it at one point. She would drink and drink and then go out and do these things to feel something. When I met in the manner of wanting to date her, these things had sort stopped and she was putting her life back together.

 

yeah, I never thought that it was "wrong" either - it's not a moral thing, as this happens to guys that have "slutty" pasts of their own. Now, the thing that's different about your situation than mine is that your girlfriend is saying that all of this stuff was a byproduct of an emotionally unstable period. First of all - i'm never 100% sure that women are being on the up-and-up when they say this...sometimes I think that they say that they made a mistake or were in a "bad time in their life" because ideally it makes it easier to digest for their boyfriend than "I just wanted to get laid and decided to screw some guy" - plus, if you let on that it bothers you that much and reflects poorly on her, she might even start to believe it and feel the need to justify it. my gf said that she never even felt bad or regretful about her incident until my reaction to it - she just told it as a funny story. That's kind of absurd, considering she did this years before she knew me. However, if she really had this period in her life, you have to decide what is really bothering you - the sex that she had alone, or the fact that she dealt with emotional instability in this manner. The former I think will be no problem in the long run, the latter very well could be, as in my opinion only the latter is likely to be an indicator of future behavior.

 

Thanks alot for posting that. It's amazing that so many people deal with this same kind of thing. I wonder, if I had a past like that, none of this would probably bother me at all would it? I guess thats why I'm having such a hard time grasping it, cause I never chose to make those kinds of decisions. Maybe it was fear that kept me from it or my idea of personal respect for myself, who knows.

 

eh, I doubt it. even if you did have a past like that, you'd probably find one thing in hers that doesn't directly correspond to yours and it might very well freak you out. Love wreaks havoc on your logic circuits, man. My past includes quite a few colorful incidents (heh) but I still freaked when I heard hers. and it's simply a product of her reaching a level that no women had previously reached in my heart - you want the perfect girl to have a perfect past, but it ain't gonna happen.

 

I realize the problem lies within myself and certainly didn't just wanna write her off as something she's not. She's a sweet caring person, who just wants to be happy. Ever since we got together, she always says she happy, she's smiles, laughs, acts like a little kid around me. She wants to make sure I'm happy and is always doing little things for me, ie...notes, letters she'll leave at my house after I left for work and she's getting ready for her work. She even cleans up around my house! She also wants to make sure I'm happy during the intimate times as well. See how this paragraph went. I start looking at the good things and I run with it. Same thing happens when I think about the bad, I run with it. Like my thoughts start snowballing downhill. If I can get the bad stuff out, I'll be set!

 

haha yep, that's the problem...in the early stages of really falling for someone, you see all those little nuances of "sugar and spice and everything nice" and you think to yourself "how could she have done anything like that"? or in my case "why did she have to tell me about that?" It seems like it's going to be impossible to reconcile this perfect, sweet girl that you know with these isolated acts, and then it bothers you that guys who didn't appreciate all the things that you do about her got to "have" her...it's a crazy notion but it definitely happens.

 

To that I just say give it time. Once you get down from Cloud 9 and you start to humanize her and take her down from the pedestal you'll stop thinking in those extremes and accept her past and her flaws along with her good points as the person that she is. In the infatuation stages, you'll have trouble doing that - you're romanticizing the good and obsessing over the bad. eventually it all evens out. Will you ever totally "get over it" - probably not, but you'll be able to not think about it regularly and when it does pop into your head just dismiss it, and as you've made enough memories with her you'll just continue to distance yourselves from her past.

 

Maybe like you, her, and others have said, with time all this will pass and become a memory. What I do know that is fact, she cares for me, wants to be a part of my life, wants me to be part of hers, and wants us to be able to understand each other and communicate, which is what we are working on building. She said last night she knows that it will take time for me to work through it all and she said she will just wait and for me to work on focusing more on her and I now and to just talk with her when I start to have these feelings.

 

well, it sounds like you're on the right track, and it's good that she's willing to talk it out with you as sometimes that's not easy for women to do, especially if that period in her life was as bad as you say. Good luck, and I have a feeling you'll get past this man, just let reality set in.

[AAlike]

One thing I just thought of that can hopefully make u feel better about the situation. All of these 10+ guys that she messed around with obviously she didnt want a long term relationship with whereas she thinks u are better than them and special and she wants to give her heart to you because she thinks u r worth it.

 

Example I have had oral both ways with a guy I met at some random party or kissed a guy with heavy grinding at a club BUT when I met my now BF I immediately felt something there. I made him wait 2 months before we did anything. I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it to be special and I wanted to have a long term relationship.

 

Haha Isabella, this sentiment drives guys absolutely nuts!! to say that you'll blow some dude at a party but make your boyfriend wait so that it's special is pretty much the exact opposite of how your average guy thinks. I understand the thought process behind it, and ideally the sex that you wait for is going to be better than a one-off, but remember that men in general have a very merit-based view of sex, like it's some kind of "conquest"...and whether the sex is special, more intimate, or hell, even good at all doesn't normally factor into that viewpoint. Most guys are not going to be able to get past the fact that some random dude was able to finish the "conquest" in a matter of hours and yet it's taking them several months, regardless if the reasoning is that you wanted it to matter more with the guy you really liked - that's just totally backwards to typical guy logic.

 

This is just another reason why it's not a good idea to discuss this crap - the general differences in the way that men and women process stuff like this just points to too many potential headaches and pointless jealousy issues.

[Stockalone]

Haha Isabella, this sentiment drives guys absolutely nuts!! to say that you'll blow some dude at a party but make your boyfriend wait so that it's special is pretty much the exact opposite of how your average guy thinks. I understand the thought process behind it, and ideally the sex that you wait for is going to be better than a one-off, but remember that men in general have a very merit-based view of sex, like it's some kind of "conquest"...and whether the sex is special, more intimate, or hell, even good at all doesn't normally factor into that viewpoint. Most guys are not going to be able to get past the fact that some random dude was able to finish the "conquest" in a matter of hours and yet it's taking them several months, regardless if the reasoning is that you wanted it to matter more with the guy you really liked - that's just totally backwards to typical guy logic.

 

That is tue. I have had one gf who told me that and my reaction was "WTF?!?!" and I immediately dumped her.

 

 

This is just another reason why it's not a good idea to discuss this crap - the general differences in the way that men and women process stuff like this just points to too many potential headaches and pointless jealousy issues.

 

I think it is a good idea, for me it is even necessary to talk about it, as soon as possible. It makes things much easier if you get this kind of information early in the relationship.

[Isabella82]

Stockalone-

 

Here is what I'm saying. I know this to be true and so do other females. When u r easy and u sleep with a guy right away they are done with you. They don't respect u and they definately don't want to take you

home to mom. You see my point?

 

I play hard to get so that the guy will respect me etc... No guy I thought wants a wife that put out the first night so correct me if I'm wrong.

 

So for u to break up with ur ex for making u wait that makes her think that u didnt think she was worth the wait. And she is thinking that ur like everyother guy who just wants sex.

[Stockalone]

Making me wait played only a small part in my decision. I would have stopped dating her and most certainly would not have had sex with her in the first place, had I known about her past. I have ethical/moral objections against casual sex and never had casual sex myself.

 

I was obviously way too naive to think that people only have sex with people they have strong feelings for. I learned my lesson.

 

The reasons I broke up with her were because I felt deceived. I no longer trusted her and wondered what else there is I don't know about. I also didn't respect her anymore. And I could not understand why I had to earn something that others would get without any effort. Especially if that something was having sex. Having sex is very special to me and her having a very different approach with other guys made me feel cheap.

 

Quite franky, I was left wondering who that person was. I no longer saw the woman I had feelings for, there was nothing left.

 

So I told her how I felt and that I couldn't be with her anymore. She made decisions in her past that were unacceptable to me and one of the consequences of her actions was that I chose not to be with here because of those decisions she made in the past.

Edited March 24, 2008 by Stockalone

[Phateless]

New to the forum and looking for some guidance on my current situation. I haven't had a gf for awhile and had not really messed around and am not the 1 night stand kind of guy. Well I have friends that come over to my house and we play our drinking games on weekends. Well there was this girl that would come over and I had known her for around a year or so, she had started coming over to my house when my house became the "hangout". BTW, I'm 27 and she 24. Well we started talking on New Year's, started dating and all of that. Well we got together as bf/gf or whatever basically around V-Day. Now on with the story.

 

She dated what she said was her first love for 2 years. He broke it off with her on V-Day and then basically for the entire year of 2007 she had a tough time. I found out from her telling me that she has slept with ten different people over the course of Feb-Dec of that year. One of which was some guy over 20yrs her senior. One guy is a close friend of mine and they were apparantly "friends with benefits". And she also had a drunken 1 night stand with another friend of mine. He and I are not close. Basically her explaination to me was that she was depressed from he breakup, all she wanted to do was drink and her sleeping with those guys was a way for her to feel like she had someone. To have someone laying next to her even if it was only temporary. She keeps telling me to not think about these things and to not worry about them. I'm not worried about them, it's just the stuff that runs through my head about one of these many guys on top of her doing whatever just irks me. I guess if she had been in a relationship with them, I would see it differently. But they were just a f***. And the number to me is staggering at least in my mind and world. And then the 40yr old??? In my mind I think, What have you not done? Makes me feel like what we have is really nothing as she has already shared that with so many and all this was in 2007 so it's not like it's been that long ago. She seems really into me and has been staying over at my house but the more I find out the more I'm afraid I'm looking at her differently and need direction on how I can move these things out of my head. After all, it's her past and my problem for letting it get to me. But I never expected a past that this recent and with so many. I wasn't raised with the mindset to deal with this kind of stuff in my head. I mean girls I've dated have had pasts, just not f****** up like this. Thoughts anyone?

 

Oh for what it's worth and if it even matters, I've only been with 6 women in my years and all of them I was in a relationship with.

 

This is your own insecurity talking, nothing more. This is 100% in your own head. You just need to man up and trust her if you think she's trustworthy. She's with you now. Get over yourself. Not trying to be mean, just brutally honest.

[AAlike]

That is true. I have had one gf who told me that and my reaction was "WTF?!?!" and I immediately dumped her.

 

well, that's a bit extreme, but it certainly serves as a shining example of what I'm talking about. i'm sure it was to do with how things are promoted in our society, where the man-whore is encouraged and the "slut" is shunned, hence in general, women are much better at differentiating between emotional sex and purely physical sex IN RETROSPECT. Could be cultural, could be biological, but a guy is much more apt to be hung up on his girlfriend having some fifteen-minute long akward drunken casual escapade while a woman is able to dismiss that as meaningless and is more apt to be disturbed by a serious ex-girlfriend. or it's just a pride thing - guys can't deal with the possibility that they are "dating the slut", as if some guy that she had some random fling with years ago is still regularly high-fiving his buddies on a daily basis. question for siphon - how old are you, and is this the first girl that you've felt this way about?

 

I think it is a good idea, for me it is even necessary to talk about it, as soon as possible. It makes things much easier if you get this kind of information early in the relationship.

 

well, yes, I suppose it's better to get it early, that is if you really insist on getting it at all. I guess that I just don't see the point, and after my experiences I realized the inherent danger in getting this info. To me, the only people that feel the need to get this information are the people that are potentially going to let it hurt them. Otherwise why else would you be asking?

 

If this is a moral/religious thing, that is one thing - obviously someone who believes that sex should be saved for marriage is probably not going to be right for someone that has had copious amounts of casual sex. But that incompatibility is due to the clash in values and beliefs, not the sex itself. Stock, if I recall, you were the guy who had some sort of age-driven equation for an acceptable number of previous partners (I would argue that, from a purely statistical standpoint, amount of time single vs. in a relationship should factor into that, but that's not the point). I also believe that you had told me that your issue with a girl whose numbers fell outside of your parameters was not a moral one. If that's the case, then I feel you are ascribing to an antiquated and fairly sexist notion of "declining value" as it pertains to women. and I'm not bringing this up in an accusative manner - trust me I've had the same issue - but you've got to think of WHY this is getting to you.

 

It seems that the problem that OP and yourself seem to have with women that have slept around a bit is that they have been willing to have sex in the past when it has not been "special" or something to that effect. and although I can completely understanding not condoning that decision-making or conveying that you hope that the girl is past that, there is just no logical basis to writing her off because of it, other than you feel that a woman can be "tainted" by her decision to have recreational sex. Again, I dealt with the same problem with my current girlfriend - I was letting her past bother me as if there was some sort of "worth" that was being compromised, but one day it just hit me how inane that really was.

 

OP, again, I think you'll be ok with this in the long haul because you've got the proper attitude. in the long run, a couple of one-nighters really don't matter, and if you're really happy with this girl as you seem to be, wouldn't it be ridiculous to let that get in the way of that?

[Isabella82]

you know honestly I am offended. People's outlook can change in life. I have never had a one night stand whereas its my understanding that most people have had a one night stand at least once in their life.

 

I am not proud of what I have done, but it happened during a hard time in my life. I do respect myself so I don't think it is necessarly fair to judge someone based on what they have done in their past. People change. That's like saying in HS u cheated on ur GF so don't marry him when he is now a 30 yr old man.

[Siphon9a]

let's put it this way - after talking to her several times about it and generally obsessing over what she told me about, my girlfriend made a very valid point when she said to me that I had thought more about it in a couple of weeks than she had in several years. I'm sure that she remembers having the encounters, but probably not nearly in the detail that you're imagining them. when it comes down to it, really, since most casual sex lacks the intimacy of emotionally charged sex, people will naturally be more inhibited and the sex itself is probably more likely to be mundane. and really, it's kinda crazy to evaluate a person for their actions in what amounts to probably three hours or so of total time.

 

 

 

yeah, I never thought that it was "wrong" either - it's not a moral thing, as this happens to guys that have "slutty" pasts of their own. Now, the thing that's different about your situation than mine is that your girlfriend is saying that all of this stuff was a byproduct of an emotionally unstable period. First of all - i'm never 100% sure that women are being on the up-and-up when they say this...sometimes I think that they say that they made a mistake or were in a "bad time in their life" because ideally it makes it easier to digest for their boyfriend than "I just wanted to get laid and decided to screw some guy" - plus, if you let on that it bothers you that much and reflects poorly on her, she might even start to believe it and feel the need to justify it. my gf said that she never even felt bad or regretful about her incident until my reaction to it - she just told it as a funny story. That's kind of absurd, considering she did this years before she knew me. However, if she really had this period in her life, you have to decide what is really bothering you - the sex that she had alone, or the fact that she dealt with emotional instability in this manner. The former I think will be no problem in the long run, the latter very well could be, as in my opinion only the latter is likely to be an indicator of future behavior.

 

 

 

eh, I doubt it. even if you did have a past like that, you'd probably find one thing in hers that doesn't directly correspond to yours and it might very well freak you out. Love wreaks havoc on your logic circuits, man. My past includes quite a few colorful incidents (heh) but I still freaked when I heard hers. and it's simply a product of her reaching a level that no women had previously reached in my heart - you want the perfect girl to have a perfect past, but it ain't gonna happen.

 

 

 

haha yep, that's the problem...in the early stages of really falling for someone, you see all those little nuances of "sugar and spice and everything nice" and you think to yourself "how could she have done anything like that"? or in my case "why did she have to tell me about that?" It seems like it's going to be impossible to reconcile this perfect, sweet girl that you know with these isolated acts, and then it bothers you that guys who didn't appreciate all the things that you do about her got to "have" her...it's a crazy notion but it definitely happens.

 

To that I just say give it time. Once you get down from Cloud 9 and you start to humanize her and take her down from the pedestal you'll stop thinking in those extremes and accept her past and her flaws along with her good points as the person that she is. In the infatuation stages, you'll have trouble doing that - you're romanticizing the good and obsessing over the bad. eventually it all evens out. Will you ever totally "get over it" - probably not, but you'll be able to not think about it regularly and when it does pop into your head just dismiss it, and as you've made enough memories with her you'll just continue to distance yourselves from her past.

 

 

 

well, it sounds like you're on the right track, and it's good that she's willing to talk it out with you as sometimes that's not easy for women to do, especially if that period in her life was as bad as you say. Good luck, and I have a feeling you'll get past this man, just let reality set in.

 

Your right about the point of the how she "deals" with the emotional instability. I remember when a couple weeks ago when I had a moment of jealousy as she was just talking to her old FWB, he's a friend of mine, I talked to her about it and we got on the subject of her past and she was upset and made the comment that "I know you think I'm a slut, but can't you just forget about my past and just be with me now?" for some reason that stuck with me. I often wonder how she looks at what she did? I don't think it was a problem before she met me evidently. Who knows. All I know is that she used to cry alot. I know that as fact. I mean things seem to be getting a little easier each day. Maybe your right when the "Newness" is gone, I'll be okay with it. Funny thing is though, I dated a girl that had kids before and I never once thought about this kinda stuff. With the recent time period of her actions and the fact there were so many different guys, I guess that's what bothers me the most. Too me that's alot in my world. Then again I don't know what she was going through at that time. She obviously can detach the sex with friendship with those people. Maybe with time I will be able to as well. Seems like on her side of things, she would be wondering how I viewed her and thinking that I might just view her as a slut and move on. I dont' see it that way but that would be how I would feel in her shoes. Who knows!?

[AAlike]

No guy wants a wife who will blow random guys at clubs either. I'm with the other poster who dumped his girl- I am willing to wait to be intimate, but if I wait and later find out that she just gave it away to all the other guys before me, I'm out the door.

 

What Isabella is describing is a sort of deception- pretending you're not the kind of girl who puts out on the first date to nab the nice guy, when in actuality she's exactly the kind of girl who gets down and dirty on meeting. The point of men wanting a girl who waits is not that they want to have to wait for sex (who does??) but that they want the kind of girl who respects herself enough to want to wait.

 

so it would be totally uncharacteristic for a guy to want to wait for sex, because "who does"?

 

yet if a girl doesn't want to wait then obviously it is due to her lack of self-respect.

 

you really believe this?

[Stockalone]

If this is a moral/religious thing, that is one thing - obviously someone who believes that sex should be saved for marriage is probably not going to be right for someone that has had copious amounts of casual sex. But that incompatibility is due to the clash in values and beliefs, not the sex itself. Stock, if I recall, you were the guy who had some sort of age-driven equation for an acceptable number of previous partners (I would argue that, from a purely statistical standpoint, amount of time single vs. in a relationship should factor into that, but that's not the point). I also believe that you had told me that your issue with a girl whose numbers fell outside of your parameters was not a moral one. If that's the case, then I feel you are ascribing to an antiquated and fairly sexist notion of "declining value" as it pertains to women. and I'm not bringing this up in an accusative manner - trust me I've had the same issue - but you've got to think of WHY this is getting to you.

 

Yeah, I am the guy with the acceptable number of partners but the number only comes into play if none of my deal breakers apply. I most certainly have moral objections against casual sex. In the case of my ex that included a threesome with two guys she met at a party. I was disgusted.

 

That kind of stuff gets to me but not in the sense of retroactive jealousy as so often is assumed to be the case by some posters on this forum. I have no images in my head of what a woman was doing in the past. I just find such behaviour to be incongruous (not sure if this is the right word) with my morals/beliefs.

 

It is also true that I apply this standard more harshly to women, but since I don't date men, I don't think that makes it sexist nor makes it a double standard. I am friends with a "player". He thinks I am a prude, I think he is a male slut.

[AAlike]

Your right about the point of the how she "deals" with the emotional instability. I remember when a couple weeks ago when I had a moment of jealousy as she was just talking to her old FWB, he's a friend of mine, I talked to her about it and we got on the subject of her past and she was upset and made the comment that "I know you think I'm a slut, but can't you just forget about my past and just be with me now?" for some reason that stuck with me. I often wonder how she looks at what she did? I don't think it was a problem before she met me evidently. Who knows. All I know is that she used to cry alot. I know that as fact. I mean things seem to be getting a little easier each day. Maybe your right when the "Newness" is gone, I'll be okay with it. Funny thing is though, I dated a girl that had kids before and I never once thought about this kinda stuff. With the recent time period of her actions and the fact there were so many different guys, I guess that's what bothers me the most. Too me that's alot in my world. Then again I don't know what she was going through at that time. She obviously can detach the sex with friendship with those people. Maybe with time I will be able to as well. Seems like on her side of things, she would be wondering how I viewed her and thinking that I might just view her as a slut and move on. I dont' see it that way but that would be how I would feel in her shoes. Who knows!?

 

let me ask you this - would it be better or worse for you if instead of citing that she cried a lot and wasn't enjoying life during her promiscuous period, she just matter-of-factly said "yeah, I went through a stage where I was just taking advantage of being single for a while and experimenting - it was fun and I don't regret it but I'm past it and looking for something deeper"? How would that change your outlook on the situation?

 

you mentioning the girl with kids is interesting too, and reinforces my point that it's the casual sex that bothers guys, not just past sex in general.

[Siphon9a]

you know honestly I am offended. People's outlook can change in life. I have never had a one night stand whereas its my understanding that most people have had a one night stand at least once in their life.

 

I am not proud of what I have done, but it happened during a hard time in my life. I do respect myself so I don't think it is necessarly fair to judge someone based on what they have done in their past. People change. That's like saying in HS u cheated on ur GF so don't marry him when he is now a 30 yr old man.

 

 

That's the same thing my SO has said to me. Your outlook and her outlook are pretty much the same. One night stand, or having oral, would be of no difference to me as far as how it appears. Sex to me is sex, no matter the kind. Alot of the remarks you are getting on here are probably from people, such as myself, that have not had the kind of past to have a point of reference. I personally have never done anything like that and was always in a relationship when anything sexual occured. I can't say there's things that I would look at myself in a negative light as I was with that person and had genuine feelings for them, beit that it may not be as real as I had first thought. That's my reason for this whole post and why I'm glad you replied. I'm trying and want to understand so I can rationlize it. There are people who will judge you on what you have done, but don't let that get to you. Your comfortable enough with you, to post your past here to help me and I'm sure others and I respect that fact. You've been a great help to me as well as some other posters on this thread and I thank you for that.

[Stockalone]

I do respect myself so I don't think it is necessarly fair to judge someone based on what they have done in their past. People change. That's like saying in HS u cheated on ur GF so don't marry him when he is now a 30 yr old man.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't believe that people truly change, not unless there is some life altering experience. I am sorry that you feel offended, that was not my intention. However, I stand by what I said.

Edited March 24, 2008 by Stockalone

[AAlike]

Yeah, I am the guy with the acceptable number of partners but the number only comes into play if none of my deal breakers apply. I most certainly have moral objections against casual sex. In the case of my ex that included a threesome with two guys she met at a party. I was disgusted.

 

That kind of stuff gets to me but not in the sense of retroactive jealousy as so often is assumed to be the case by some posters on this forum. I have no images in my head of what a woman was doing in the past. I just find such behaviour to be incongruous (not sure if this is the right word) with my morals/beliefs.

 

It is also true that I apply this standard more harshly to women, but since I don't date men, I don't think that makes it sexist nor makes it a double standard. I am friends with a "player". He thinks I am a prude, I think he is a male slut.

 

ok, if that is the case then I suppose it makes some sense - however, are these "dealbreakers" of yours completely irreconcilable and absolute? and is there a time period that can go by to render a girl yet again "acceptable"? i do agree that it's not always retroactive jealousy - that term kind of annoys me, actually.

[Siphon9a]

let me ask you this - would it be better or worse for you if instead of citing that she cried a lot and wasn't enjoying life during her promiscuous period, she just matter-of-factly said "yeah, I went through a stage where I was just taking advantage of being single for a while and experimenting - it was fun and I don't regret it but I'm past it and looking for something deeper"? How would that change your outlook on the situation?

 

you mentioning the girl with kids is interesting too, and reinforces my point that it's the casual sex that bothers guys, not just past sex in general.

 

 

If I found that out to be the case, I think I would look at her differently. I would have less respect for her. But that doesn't just go for girls. I'll call a guy friend of mine a slut if he starts spouting off his "conquest stories". To me, casual sex is being a slut, guy or girl. I see no difference in gender with those actions. I was raised to believe those sorts of things weren't right and shows the respect you have for yourself and the person your doing it with. Your exactly right, past sex doesn't necessarily bother me, it's the casual past sex and the number of partners during the time period of the casual sex that irks me. It makes you feel like she would have anything up inside her just to get off. To me that's gross. Now you got me wondering if I should look into that further. Hmmmm......

[Stockalone]

ok, if that is the case then I suppose it makes some sense - however, are these "dealbreakers" of yours completely irreconcilable and absolute? and is there a time period that can go by to render a girl yet again "acceptable"? i do agree that it's not always retroactive jealousy - that term kind of annoys me, actually.

 

Given that I believe that people hardly ever change, my deal breakers are set in stone. There is no bending the rules.