Dealing with her past?

[AAlike]

Agreed. I think it is an instance of "I'll know it when I see/hear it". Putting an exact number/measurment on it is not fair or possible.

 

Yeah, that makes some sense. The problem is that with sexual issues, people tend to impose their own morals or sexual openness on this determination.

 

That's why you'll see things written like "no self-respecting person would sleep with X guys in two months" or "no self-respecting person would have a threesome" or whatever...and, really, is that necessarily true? Is there a certain "degree" of casual sex that implies a lack of self-respect?

 

wow, I just attempted to answer a question and arrived at the same exact question. very informative, self...

 

Yeah, I've really struggled with the fact that people can or cannot change. Currently, I'm of the camp that yes people change, but they redirect that obsessive behavior somewhere else. So for instance, a chain smoker may quit smoking, but they will, in most cases, redirect that obsession somewhere else be it chewing gum or drinking 10 cups of coffee a day. Actually, now that I think about it maybe this comparison isn't fair since nicotine causes addiction. However, is not the person who feels the "need" or "desire" to constantly sleep with someone else suffering a psychological addiction? They are addicted to the fact that they need to feel wanted or close to someone.

 

yes, i was going to cite that example as well...my brother is in recovery and he's been doing well for over four years now - it'd be hard to explain the "people can't change" mentality to him!

 

the fact that you bring up this example is more debate material though - if someone sleeps with 10 people in three months and stays protected, is it necessarily indicative of some emotional imbalance or insatiable addiction towards attention? or can it just be "hey so and so feels like getting laid?" and is it different for women and men?

 

So I take the stance that these obsessive behaviors manifest themselves in different forms later on. That's what I saw happening in my relationship. And I think that is what you need to be wary of when your partner says they've slept with 40+ people.

 

well, obviously if that was happening in your relationship, then you probably made the right call.

[dogtown]

Yeah, that makes some sense. The problem is that with sexual issues, people tend to impose their own morals or sexual openness on this determination.

 

That's why you'll see things written like "no self-respecting person would sleep with X guys in two months" or "no self-respecting person would have a threesome" or whatever...and, really, is that necessarily true? Is there a certain "degree" of casual sex that implies a lack of self-respect?

 

wow, I just attempted to answer a question and arrived at the same exact question. very informative, self...

 

I laughed.

 

 

 

the fact that you bring up this example is more debate material though - if someone sleeps with 10 people in three months and stays protected, is it necessarily indicative of some emotional imbalance or insatiable addiction towards attention? or can it just be "hey so and so feels like getting laid?" and is it different for women and men?

 

 

Ok. This is interesting. In regards to 'emotional imbalance' I would say that the answer is "maybe". Just judging from my friends that sleep around - some are kooky; some are completely level-headed.

However, I think it is an unequivicol "yes" when it comes to addiction towards attention. The typical profile of a promiscuous person is either just got out a relationship, have very few friends, or come from a broken home where they don't get a lot of family suport or attention. Any one of these or any combination of these can create a very insecure individual. They seek the attention and 'validation' through a process that also provides them physical pleasure. If you seriously wanted to heal your attention desires then you would seek out a relationship like a normal person. A one night stand only validates you for that night? Why would you only want validation for one day? I don't know, maybe because you lack the ability to cognitively think at the moment (because of whatever extenuating circumstance(s) you have going on) and you want the instant fix much like a crack head needs the next hit to get him through the day - he knows smoking crack is not going to heal him, but he also knows it will dull the pain. Ok, enough with the drug references...I'm rambling.

 

And unfortunately this probably does apply more to women than men. As I reflect more, the guys that I do know that sleep around - many of them had some serious issues (to contradict what I said earlier). So maybe it does apply to both sexes.

 

From personal experience. I've never felt compelled to go out and have a one night stand. That is how I act though - I try not to seek out anything, I just try and let the chips fall. That being said, four times I've had a one night stand because that is just what happened that night. I didn't pressure anyone, it just lead to that. So when you're sleeping with 10 people in 3 months it just seems like you're definately seeking something out.

 

I'm 25.

[Orbit]

This is something I read once and it helped me, maybe it can do the same for you.

There are many different facets to a relationship; no two are ever the same. It's futile to compare people in your life. Accept someone for who they are and appreciate their talents and faults; it's what makes them who they are.

[AAlike]

However, I think it is an unequivicol "yes" when it comes to addiction towards attention. The typical profile of a promiscuous person is either just got out a relationship, have very few friends, or come from a broken home where they don't get a lot of family suport or attention.

 

wow that's quite a bold statement. While I agree that this may apply to some promiscuous people - especially the "just got out of a relationship" part - (again, the definition of promiscuous is probably relative), and that these factors probably would drive someone towards promiscuity, I hang out in the nightlife scene quite a bit in my neighborhood, and it's a lot of musicians and partiers, and I can say that most of that "typical profile" does not apply to the majority of these people. most are quite single and carefree, have plenty of friends, and most likely don't come from broken homes. I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you, but I do think that's a big generalization.

 

Any one of these or any combination of these can create a very insecure individual. They seek the attention and 'validation' through a process that also provides them physical pleasure. If you seriously wanted to heal your attention desires then you would seek out a relationship like a normal person.

 

Well sure, I think ideally everyone is seeking out a good relationship. but those aren't exactly easy to come by. I mean, I had one good one in 30 years..it's tough to not just decide that in the meantime some short-term companionship, and yes, expression of lust might not be a bad thing.

 

A one night stand only validates you for that night? Why would you only want validation for one day? I don't know, maybe because you lack the ability to cognitively think at the moment (because of whatever extenuating circumstance(s) you have going on) and you want the instant fix much like a crack head needs the next hit to get him through the day - he knows smoking crack is not going to heal him, but he also knows it will dull the pain. Ok, enough with the drug references...I'm rambling.

 

again, I don't think that's it always that extreme. I mean, maybe you're just horny? or curious? or bored? I mean, I've had sex with a fair amount of women that I knew that I wasn't in love with...most were not one-night stands, but i certainly wasn't seeking a relationship with them beyond friendship. Although the validation might be an underlying factor in all one-night stands, I'm not sure that it has to be the driving force.

 

maybe drugs do provide a good example, actually. I mean, I've done most drugs in my day (no crack or needles) and I don't think that my trying them was indicative of any deep-seated issue. was it because I was younger? probably - was it somewhat propelled by the desire to do something "crazy" - probably - but I really think that the main reason was just because I felt that I could experiment and control it. some of my drug experiences were enjoyable, some weren't, but I don't think that they are representative of me as a whole, or me now in any way, actually. however, I'm sure that there are plenty of people, most likely non-users who think that any drug use is bad, and addicts, who HAVE done drugs in order to address a deeper issue, who would probably attempt to link my drug use to some sort of mental issue.

 

And unfortunately this probably does apply more to women than men. As I reflect more, the guys that I do know that sleep around - many of them had some serious issues (to contradict what I said earlier). So maybe it does apply to both sexes.

 

I think that most guys would say that it applies more to women. i'm curious if women believe this.

 

From personal experience. I've never felt compelled to go out and have a one night stand. That is how I act though - I try not to seek out anything, I just try and let the chips fall. That being said, four times I've had a one night stand because that is just what happened that night. I didn't pressure anyone, it just lead to that. So when you're sleeping with 10 people in 3 months it just seems like you're definately seeking something out.

 

I'm 25.

 

see there you go - it's funny, sometimes it seems that we seek answers for the actions of others more than we do our own actions. I look back on the one-nighters that I had and I think "wow that was kind of dumb" but really, "it just happened" suffices as an explanation to me. but yet, it's hard to accept "it just happened" from someone else. crazy how that works. I mean, we all have hormones, man. hell, I'd say that tons of issues in our society are caused by sexual repression - but that's a whole different can of worms.

[dogtown]

 

 

 

see there you go - it's funny, sometimes it seems that we seek answers for the actions of others more than we do our own actions. I look back on the one-nighters that I had and I think "wow that was kind of dumb" but really, "it just happened" suffices as an explanation to me. but yet, it's hard to accept "it just happened" from someone else. crazy how that works. I mean, we all have hormones, man. hell, I'd say that tons of issues in our society are caused by sexual repression - but that's a whole different can of worms.

 

Argghh. After posting that I realized I had just shot myself in the foot with that statement. My instances were isolated. However, let's go back the example you provided in an earlier post of 10 people in 3 months. If this was the activity that I was engaging in then something would cause me to first reexamine myself and then step back and reexamine the type of people that I was attracting and hanging out with (and I'd probably do this after the first few).

 

I understand the validation and gratification argument and I completely agree - we need it sometimes. However, when this activity becomes habitual or consistent then something is missing in our lives and a rational (I can't think of a better word to use right now) person will look within to figure out what's going on.

 

 

AA,

Something else I wanted to address and I'm interested in yours or anyones thoughts...

 

My issue with my ex was that I constantly had to see these people. Whether it was on tv or at a parent-teacher conference. These were people I saw on a daily basis. Siphon mentioned something similar about being friends with someone who was with his girl. I guess my issues weren't so much with my exes past, but it was the fact that I always had to see these people and in some cases talk to them. It was horrible! Do you think constant visuals and contact exacerbates the feelings? Is this fair?

 

Also, I'm interested in your thoughts on 10 people in 3 months scenario you posed earlier. I don't want to get bogged down in numbers, but what are your thoughts on that? I'm sensing you would be ok with it?

[Cobra_X30]

My issue with my ex was that I constantly had to see these people. Whether it was on tv or at a parent-teacher conference. These were people I saw on a daily basis. Siphon mentioned something similar about being friends with someone who was with his girl. I guess my issues weren't so much with my exes past, but it was the fact that I always had to see these people and in some cases talk to them. It was horrible! Do you think constant visuals and contact exacerbates the feelings? Is this fair?

 

To be fair your ex seems to be on the train to crazy town.

 

I think that it's important to take a serious look at how poeple use sex. Your ex was chasing athletes, and the PTA... to what end?

 

See AALike takes an "it's all fun and games" approach to casual sex. I really doubt that is the case in most scenarios. I think its easier to excuse people for risking their physical wellbieng by saying it's just experimenting.

 

We men tend to attach value to sex. So, when we meet a woman that has been with tons and tons of men... it makes us stop and realize she does not have that same value system. Therefore... your not going to mean as much to her. Maybe just a perception, but it's powerful... and it's there for a reason

[Trialbyfire]

She's mentioned before that poeple "always walk out on her". Maybe she's tried to have a relationship with one of her one night stands and they just used her. Who knows? I'm not gonna ask anymore questions cause I know enough to know I don't want to know anymore.

Hmmm...this would concern me, as well as her promiscuity. Most often, these two issues go hand-in-hand.

 

Don't worry, I would have the same issues with a man, as you would with your g/f. It's why I tend to ask upfront, numbers, in as polite way as possible or I will source this information from contacts or some other manner. You don't need to be accepting of her past behaviour unless you plan to stay with her. If so, you'd best suck it up and learn to address it, within yourself. Myself, I would rather not bother.

[Siphon9a]

Wow I logon to see what's up on the LS site and found my post alive again. I read through everything everyone posted. And I've come to some of the conclusions that all of you are right to a degree. There is no right or wrong answer to this or any of these situations except to the person who did or experienced them. My g/f simply got out a relationship where someone she loved let her go. She was trying to find something to make it better and those actions at the time were what she thought was best. Is she proud of it? No. Would she change it knowing that she would have met me later on. Yes. Such isn't the case and so here we are. I've come along way with it all since posting here and meeting people like AAlike to give me a different perspective on my sometime close-minded world. At the end of the day I don't care about her past. She's opened up sooo much more since we talked about all this and I worked my mind through it and took control of my runaway thoughts. I'm actually shocked at how she has been the last few days with things. For instance last night there are certain "acts of affection" that i tend to have a slight fetish for and well they aren't necessarily her favorite. Actually she not a fan at all of part of it. But by the end of the night you would swear it was right out of a Peter North Production. (Now I did say I'm not the type to sleep around but I never said I didn't have my own wierd quirks in the bedroom ) ). I asked her why she did it, and she said that she wanted to make me happy and she said somehow doing that, knowing that I like it so much, made her feel closer to me somehow.

 

Hell I'm getting prepared for a trip out of state to meet her whole family if that tells you the degree at which I am so over this situation. As for the friend that was her FWB for awhile. Well things are kinda wierd with me and him and given alot of personal stuff that gone on with that group of friends I don't think seeing him will bother me as much as it used to as I won't be hanging out with that group as much anymore. There's way too much drama and lets fact it guys and gals, I make up my own drama and you all got to hear about it!!

 

Nevertheless, with everyone's help, I've worked through 99% of it all and not to say I dont' think about it, but when I do it's not nearly as bad and I can control the extent of which is now very minimal. I guess in the end I just needed to talk it out and work through it by expressing myself here and talking with people. I just hope this post at some point will help someone else down the road. And for the guys that she was with and didn't keep her. It's their loss cause the way I see things, she's an awesome person and has told me and tells me numerous times, maybe to reassure me, that she's with me and happy. Funny thing is I knew her before and you could tell she wasn't ever happy, but even her best friends pull me aside and ask me if they realize the change I have brought about with her and her outlook on life. All I'm doing is being me, for once in my life, and telling her all the thoughts and feelings I have. There are times where she gets upset and doubts herself but I let her know I'm not going to be one of those people that just "walk out on her". A relationship with someone takes continual work all the way through. It's one of the hardest but most rewarding things in the world anyone will experience when it's real. I just hope that with her, maybe it will be. It's sure a nice thought.

 

PS. AAlike, man hit me up! I need an update man! You dropped a bomb on me and I haven't heard back!! Everything copasetic?

[AAlike]

Argghh. After posting that I realized I had just shot myself in the foot with that statement. My instances were isolated.

 

I wasn't trying to call you out - I meant it for myself as well. I'm just saying that the typical jealous lover has a tough time accepting "it just happened" as an explanation, even if "it just happened" describes a lot of their own situations. Don't worry, I'm guilty of this too.

 

However, let's go back the example you provided in an earlier post of 10 people in 3 months. If this was the activity that I was engaging in then something would cause me to first reexamine myself and then step back and reexamine the type of people that I was attracting and hanging out with (and I'd probably do this after the first few). I understand the validation and gratification argument and I completely agree - we need it sometimes. However, when this activity becomes habitual or consistent then something is missing in our lives and a rational (I can't think of a better word to use right now) person will look within to figure out what's going on.

 

i agree with this for the most part. but what differentiates this type of behavior from your "isolated incidents"? Is there just some numerical frequency that catapults someone into a different category?

 

AA,

Something else I wanted to address and I'm interested in yours or anyones thoughts...

 

My issue with my ex was that I constantly had to see these people. Whether it was on tv or at a parent-teacher conference. These were people I saw on a daily basis. Siphon mentioned something similar about being friends with someone who was with his girl. I guess my issues weren't so much with my exes past, but it was the fact that I always had to see these people and in some cases talk to them. It was horrible! Do you think constant visuals and contact exacerbates the feelings? Is this fair?

 

Now this is a very interesting question, and actually one that I brought up with Siphon. I don't know definitively, having never experienced that (I was fortunate to have met my GF two days after she moved to my city, so her past is back in her hometown). Maybe the reality would play out as much less threatening than the visualization, maybe it'd be much much worse. again though, what you or siphon or whoever need to realize is that the lingering effects of the sex are probably only felt by you. there's really something weird about that.

 

Also, I'm interested in your thoughts on 10 people in 3 months scenario you posed earlier. I don't want to get bogged down in numbers, but what are your thoughts on that? I'm sensing you would be ok with it?

 

not sure - probably would depend on the circumstances and such. would it be a red flag? sure, probably. but would it be an immediate dealbreaker? I doubt it.

[AAlike]

See AALike takes an "it's all fun and games" approach to casual sex. I really doubt that is the case in most scenarios. I think its easier to excuse people for risking their physical wellbieng by saying it's just experimenting.

 

When exactly did I say anything about "fun and games"? For the record, I'm certainly not some "free love" advocate (in all honesty, my initial visit here was for reasons like Siphon's)...and I'm sure that a fair amount of instances of casual sex can probably be chalked up to what amounts to a bad decision in the long run. all that I'm saying is not ALL of it.

 

and of the ones that do seem like bad decisions, or more accurately, probably just not thought through, why exactly should they be these lifelong scars? i mean, of course when you're 35 and married you can look back at that senior year hookup under the bleachers and say "wow how ridiculous" but do you REALLY think that it's still affecting you or indicative of some major flaw that hasn't rectified itself in two decades?? I feel like some of you people are absolutely terrified of sex and equate it to a criminal act.

 

and the physical well-being thing...a tad dramatic perhaps? first of all, if protected sex (a fairly low-risk activity) is the biggest physical jeopardy you've put yourself in by the time you're 21 years old, you've got nothing to worry about. second, i think that it's pretty obvious that the issue at hand does not stem from the guys worrying about the physical risk of the situation.

 

We men tend to attach value to sex. So, when we meet a woman that has been with tons and tons of men... it makes us stop and realize she does not have that same value system. Therefore... your not going to mean as much to her. Maybe just a perception, but it's powerful... and it's there for a reason

 

"tons and tons" - sure. but again, this is usually not the problem.

 

i'm curious as to what the reason is that this perception is there.