Why are do they turn cold

[guessjeans]

I've read a lot of posts on here, and just now experiencing something that I find amazing and unable to comprend who someone you have known for years, married or in a relationship...someone you have known intimiately, someone who has seen your worse and your best...the things you have gone through together over the years...perhaps even the sharing of a human being the two of you have created together out of the love and respect you had for each other...how, can ppl turn so "cold" as soon as they found someone else?

 

And in some cases, within weeks, or even months of separating.

 

My ex, after 26 yrs together, then for the past 4 years, good friends, neither of us serious about anyone else...we did things together, we had a good time with each other..then suddenly, he is now in a relationship with the office secretary.

 

Ok..i understand things will change between us, and i have totally given him his space. I do not call him...ever! I abviously stopped going by his house to visit his elderly father or to ask him what he's doing for dinner, or if he can check something on my car to see what it is...etc...I have given him his space and respected his right to privacy.

 

But what the hell is up with him now that he has someone new in his life! We've known each other 30 yrs and twice now, he's called me his g/f name...ok..mistaken once..but twice and we've only seen each other maybe 3 times since he started a relationship with this woman.

 

He has become very distant, cold, non-caring..never asks our son when he visits him hows your mom doing..nothing! We have been good friends always..our split was a great one, if you can have great one. He told me his g/f hasnt had sex in 10 yrs the poor thing he said to me! Like i wanna hear that!..and my g/f loves my chest! Like HELLO!

 

I like to think that once someone special comes into my life, sure our relationship from dropping over to each others houses and calling each other for advice , etc..would stop, but I dont think i would ever call him by any other name but his..it just isnt respectful.

 

But i see it on here time and time again. Once one gets into a new relationship, its like, thanks for the memories..but i dont need you anymore for friendship, or advice, for nothing. We are treated like we never existed. I dont think i could ever do that with someone that i have shared many years of good memories together, and created a wonderful son together out of the love we had once for each other.

 

But i will say this! If and when that relationship doesnt work out...they tend to come back to ole realible huh. But the damage has already been done. I just find the coldness a way to help me move on even quicker, because i have told myself, all those years probably really didnt mean that much to him. I think he spent more time waiting for her to leave her husband, than he did mourn the loss of our 26 yrs together. And thats what happens when someone is emotionally involved with someone soon after a breakup

 

I just hope that I am a better person to never treat someone so cold and non-caring when the day comes that I meet "Mr. Wonderful". I just dont get it.

[Rooster_DAR]

These are good questions, and even harder to answer.

 

I'm not sure why or how this happens, but many of us including myself have been there recently. The best that I can tell is that when someone becomes emotionally involved with someone else, the chemical mess that's going on in their head is very powerful, and that might explain why they forget everything else that's important.

 

How many time do you here someone say "I don't think about anything else" or "He/She is all I dream about" and are in a dysfunctional state. Emotional bonding with someone else is really power stuff, so I guess it's difficult to understand for you and I, the ones who truly love the person. There are people who neglect their children, jobs, and family to make their renzdevu (spelled wrong, but I can't find in dictionary) with the O/P.

 

I guess heartbreak and loss are all part of the thing we call life, it's part of what we are and who we will be.

 

Cheers!

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Guessjeans,

 

I always enjoy your posts...intelligent and insightful. If I understand your situation, you were the walkaway? And now 4 years later you are in love with your husband again? This is fascinating for me (being the left-behind).

 

Not to hijack, but we were married 16 years, W left 1 year ago tomorrow, we have a young child, divorce is in the works. This has been really hard on me, but I have become somewhat indifferent towards her, regained my confidence, and am very independent (these last two were killers for me in our R). I take the "friendly neighbor" approach, pretty much always agree, and I almost NEVER call her. I guess I am pissed at her for what she is doing to our family, but I know I'll be fine. And it is just easier for me to limit contact. I don't think I'm cold...matter of fact, I'm always upbeat and friendly and agreeable around her...but I don't give any appearance of pursuing.

 

Your question got me thinking: does she see me as "cold"? I don't think so, but my limited contact is the best way for me to cope. Any thought of my STBX brings up unneccesary feelings. Could it be the same for your ex?

 

Anyway, thanks for your posts over the last few weeks. I get alot out of them.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Navin_R_Johnson

[Lookingforward]

renzdevu (spelled wrong, but I can't find in dictionary)

Cheers!

 

rendezvous

[LuCidiTy]

could be the new woman has issues that he's reflecting. she might be jealous of his relationship with you and applying pressure...directly or indirectly. or it could be he feels the need for distance due to something within himself...for example, he wants to just focus on the future or he finds himself consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously comparing. just some thoughts...

[guessjeans]

I never call him..so she cant feel threatened that he is talking to me, or coming over to my house to see our son. We havent seen each other or talked with each other since January. First time in 30 yrs we have gone this long not talking or seeing each other.

 

She is 10 yrs older than me..she is 58 years old..i am 47 years old..he is a youthful 51 yr old. I doubt she feels threatened about me...she is though going through a divorce. Apparently she stayed in a loveless marriage for their son whom is 23 yrs old. She had her husband sign a legal separation, moved out, and immediately her and my ex started a relationship.

 

When you work together, all the dating goes on at work. Once the other is free and the relationship is out in the open, then it usually starts off immediately sleeping together. And they did.

 

He has some narcissistic traits. So i am putting this down to the fact that he is getting all the attention physically and emotionally from her, and I am no longer needed in his life for this type of attention.

 

He is also good at putting up walls around him to protect himself and to protect himself from others to discovering just how insecure he is.

 

I have just put it down to the fact that this woman was someone he met during the last few months we were living together. He waited for her to become free, and now that she is, they are living the life they always wanted. She has the better part of this deal tho. She is much older, not very attractive from what i hear, "weathered looking" from what I was described as..(she is a smoker) and a very nice person.

 

So i have taken the position that I dont ever want to see him anymore. I dont want to hear about his life, I dont want to hear him calling me her name, and i certainly dont want anyone in my life that could be so cold and heartless at times towards me. I deserve so much better. We choose the ppl we want in our lives based on loyality, honesty, caring, and mutual respect.

 

I found it interesting tho he told me in January that he still dreams about me. Said that he dreamed that we were sitting there talking to each other. And even said, maybe we have both made a mistake breaking up.

 

I dont regret it. I am 1000 tmes a better person now than i was then, he got to care for his elderly parents which he couldnt have done with me and our son together, and he got what he wanted once everything is said and done. He got the woman he met yrs ago and became close to, that is now finally free. I cant imagine if she become free and he and I were still together. I shiver to think how fast he might have dropped me for her, or even worse, continued the pinning of each other at work, while coming home to me and our son, and I not being any of the wiser. No! It all turned out the way it was meant to.

 

Mr. Right will come into my life when the time is right for me.

But i do believe, one day, some day..he will regret the astrangment of our relationship, because I am gone from his life now, and I will not make any attempts to reconnect our friendship in anyway. He has lost the one person in his one life on this planet, that loved him and accepted him as he was. We always got along better good. And one day, he will bump into me, and all those memories and fondness will come flooding back. By then, I will have time and distance to not give a damn what he does or thinks.

[Nomad1]

Emotional disengagement from a person who occupied an important part of your life is in my view a defense mechanism. You and your former husband have had a long history, strong emotional bond and you obviously loved one another. Your husband probably still loves you but for whatever reason has ended up with a woman who now occupies the emotional space you used to. He may also feel resentful about the fact that you left him a few years ago. Other factors could include his new partner's resentment of you being in his life. You may be perceived as a threat to their partnership.

 

My guess is that you will cease to be perceived as a threat when you have a new man in your life. Your former husband might suddenly want to be friends with you.

 

My STBXW and I finally live in separate homes with the children staying with each one of us whenever they like. She wants to be friends but I am keeping contact to absolute minimum. When she rings me and leaves a message about anything important (I never answer the phone) I text her back. That is how I want it.

 

Although we lived together for 17yrs, I have compartmentalised those memories and filed them in an obscure part of mind (my defense mechanism I guess, but it works for me).

 

I feel great at the prospect of a new beginning.

 

Take care Guessjeans

 

Nomad1

[Confused9]

'Cause they suck.

 

haha

[sumdude]

guess... FWIW the shoe is now on the other foot. When you left him years ago he went through a lot of pain.. probably much more than you reliaze and far more than he ever showed you. That has left its mark and though you you two were civil and even freindly with each other the resentment is still there. He probably just can't trust you that much anymore. Sat on the emotional fence about you for years. Couldn't bear the thought of going through it all over again with you. Subconsciously or consciously he may even be getting back at you a bit. Also, he's in a new relationship, it's exciting and all consuming when new. He doesn't want to give her a reason to be worried so is keeping you as far away as possible to aviod having the new relationship damaged.

[sumdude]

Mr. Right will come into my life when the time is right for me.

But i do believe, one day, some day..he will regret the astrangment of our relationship, because I am gone from his life now, and I will not make any attempts to reconnect our friendship in anyway. He has lost the one person in his one life on this planet, that loved him and accepted him as he was. We always got along better good. And one day, he will bump into me, and all those memories and fondness will come flooding back. By then, I will have time and distance to not give a damn what he does or thinks.

 

How many times do you think he had these exact same thoughts years ago?

[Pocky]

I became very distant with my soon-to-be-ex-husband after I told him I wanted a divorce. I didn't do it to be mean to him or because I didn't care about him anymore; I did it because I had to or else I might have changed my mind. I had to do something drastic to completely interrupt the consistency of the marriage or else it would have been too easy to convince myself again that I should be with him.

 

It was hard for him; he commented about how cold I was. It was hard for me to be that way towards him, but I had to completely block myself from too much contact.

 

It was the only way I'd stick with my decision. I miss him - still.

[sumdude]

For myself... I avoid contact with my x for many reasons. She has contacted me a couple times lately and I have not replied. Mainly because I do not want to have any false hopes just to have them dashed, so i can really move on without conflict within myself. Because when I think of her I still hurt for what was and could have been. Because she broke the trust....

[guessjeans]

I still remained friends with my ex because our son was 16 yrs old at the time, and the guilt i felt was anormous. But he and I didnt break up badly. We just put it down to, we just didnt see eye to eye on a lot of things. We still loved each other, and we did get along...but he did say to me one day during an arguement, "im tired of this, put the house up for sale"...and I did! and i never looked back. I felt it was what he wanted, I wanted the fights to stop, my son was being affected by it, i felt it was better to live apart. I do not regret my decision.

 

In hindsight, the woman he is now with, he hired when he owned the company he is now just managing, just before we split up..months before he said put the house up for sale.

 

I can only imagine what would be going on behind my back at work now, if he and I were still together, and she was finally free! No, i believe it was a mixed blessing. He now has what he waited for, for 4 yrs. They seem to get along well, and she is probably better suited to him, than I.

 

Why my journey after we split up, brought me back to him all these years later...i dont know. Maybe I'll never know why. Just to lose him a 2nd time? All i know is that for whatever reason, I fell in love with him again that day, 1 year ago.

 

Dont forget, since we split, that woman he is now seeing, has been in his life emotionally. They communicated regularly. So his emotionally needs were met even before we split up. Its a lot easier to get over someone, when you know that you have a shoulder to cry on (so to speak)..when you have someone that understands what your going through, telling you how wonderful you are...etc.

 

I think he spent more time pinning over her, than he did mourning a 26 yr relationship.

 

All things happen for a reason. It turns out it was a mixed blessing that we did separate. He got what he wanted..always attracted to older women, and it tells me that there is someone else out there better suited to me. I have to keep telling myself that, so that I can get past these feelings I have for him.

[Woggle]

It takes a long time for a man to get over a woman leaving but when he does there is almost no going back and there is pretty much no chance if he has another woman in his life. Our thought is that she didn't want me then so she shouldn't want me now.

[Rooster_DAR]

It takes a long time for a man to get over a woman leaving but when he does there is almost no going back and there is pretty much no chance if he has another woman in his life. Our thought is that she didn't want me then so she shouldn't want me now.

 

This is very true, I am exactly the same way.