Why can't I leave?

[figleaf]

The MC that my fiance and I have been seeing arranged for us to have separate sessions. In mine, she gently but directly told me that she was concerned about my wellbeing in the relationship. In our last couple session she had seen my fiance fly off the handle about a jealousy issue that came up at a friend's going away party. I was surprised he had allowed himself to get so angry in front of her (he usually saves that for me) but she saw how scary he can get, along with this twisted logic and obsessive mind games. She told me that seeing him like that, along with other behavior (lying about what he's said or done, "disappearing" and his great version of the silent treatment, over-the-top jealousy and possessiveness, guilt-tripping and his hot/cold attitude towards me) indicated to her that there was some psychological abuse going on in our relationship and thought I should think very hard about my goals for it, given that my fiance is nowhere near recognizing his behavior for what it is.

 

I agree with her. It was a relief to be able to discuss these thoughts with someone who had actually seen him in a real rage. It affirms what I've thought for several months now.

 

The problem is, I don't know how to leave and I'm scared that I won't. I've been thinking about it for almost four months now, but I have this strange inertia holding me back. I keep thinking that I am looking for a good opportunity to leave, but the truth is I'm not taking advantage of real opportunities that have come up and, honestly, I could just make an opportunity and GO. I did love him once but now I just feel like I'm acting, and I can't "break character" or else he'll get angry. I'm scared of him holding all my stuff ransom if I leave the house and stay with my friend (who would be glad to have me). I feel guilty for not supporting him emotionally and being there for him because (1) he had a terrible childhood and (obviously) can't seem to shake its effects, (2) is starting a business and under alot of pressure and financial stress (3) I promised at one point that I would be there for him and I feel like I'm unfairly breaking an agreement, and (4) he's alienated most of both my friends and his, so if I leave, I feel like he'll be alone. I feel like I'm waiting for proof that he's a monster, but at the same time, I try to forget the past so that I don't get scared and paranoid while I'm living with him. And I try to justify his behavior, even to myself. He beat on his 19-year-old brother two nights ago (not unprovoked but the kid was sitting on the ground when he attacked him and had no way to defend himself). I had to clean up the blood (right on my floor...why the heck should I be cleaning up that much blood in my own house?!) and get both of them calmed down. I don't think he'll hit me, but it scares me to see him fly off the handle so unpredictably. Later, when I told him it upset me to see that, he said, "Well, how else could I react?" And the scary part was, I found myself thinking that maybe he was right and maybe violence was the only way that those two brothers could hash things out. I'm glad I caught myself, but what is going on in my mind that I'm believing his screwed up logic?!

 

For those who have left situations like this, what finally got you to leave? I feel like the longer I let myself down, the harder it will get.

[jmargel]

Honestly it's only a matter of time before you are his physical punching bag. You are already his emotional one. Until he recognizes he has a problem and he wants to change then it will only get worse. Think of you staying, you are enabling him to continue his behavior. By you leaving it will hopefully allow him to hit rock bottom and eventually realize the problem is within' himself.

 

However due to his immaturity and physchological problems, I doubt this will come anytime soon. If a counselor is telling you these things, then IMO you should leave. You don't owe him anything. Yes, you promised you would be there for him, however the treatment he has given you has annulled that promise. You can't keep giving to someone and getting nothing in return.

 

You are also cheating yourself from finding the right guy who will treat you with love, respect and help you through good and bad times. This guy you are with is a taker, and he will take from you until you have nothing left and then leave you. Sounds like he has other issues besides his anger (ie. cheating, disappearing, etc..). What are you getting out of this relationship? How many years do you want to waste?

 

You cannot fix him, so by you staying you will not be doing any good. You will just continue to make yourself miserable. Yes, the fear of the unknown might be pretty big in your eyes, however it's nothing compared to what you will endure by staying with him.

[daisygirl]

Figleaf-

 

I totally agree with JM. It won't be easy, but I think it's time to leave. He has no right to treat you that way, and if even the counselor said he's nowhere near accepting his behavior, then it's not likely that he will change any time soon. Good luck to you, and keep up the counseling for yourself, no matter what happens