I just cheated...

[Reese]

Dont judge -- I have a 3 month old precious little girl with my boyfriend of two and a half years (He's 22, I'm 24). When I first met him, I can admit that I was a bit of a drinking problem and that led me to cheat on him numerous times with a number of different people; however he wasnt perfect in the relationship either: he was abusive, both verbally and psycially and that would only, in turn, lead me to cheat more. Keep in mind (although I know its not an excuse) that I always (for the most part) cheated when I was under the influence. After I found out I was pregnant, of course I stopped with the alcohol and gave birth to a healthy and beautiful baby girl in Decemeber. At first, my boyfriend was perfect - he would help me with her at night (we live together) and come home right after work to be with us. Now, everything has completly changed. He spends all his free time with his friends after work playing video games, drinking and doing whatever else it is he's doing. Im a grad student and I have fallen so far back on my work because he is never around to help. So... to get back at him, I've been talking to a guy I've cheated with on in the past a number of times (around 20?), and tonight after a late class, I told him I was going to do some extra work at the library and I ended up at a motel having sex with that same guy. One part of me is so guilty while another part of me thinks that he deserved it. The problem is ... what should I do about the other guy? I kind of want to see him again. I'm not a bad person, but I think I deserve to be treated like I'm special and important. I want to save my relationship but can I do this after I've cheated AGAIN?

[ShoeGirl]

It doesn't look seem like you can save your relationship, if he has been abusive and you have been cheating is it really worth trying to save it? I understand you want to for your daughter but aside from her it doesn't seem like either of you really want to be in the relationship.

[D-Lish]

DO you really want to save the relationship- or is it more about needing some support and respite when it comes to taking care of your baby?

 

It doesn't seem like this guys is fulfilling your needs- nor are you having a healthy relationship with one another.

 

Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you need to stay with the father.

 

I'm not making a judgement- but if you're looking elsewhere for fulfillment and attention, things are obviously very wrong in your relationship.

 

If you want to make things better, both of you would need to make concerted efforts to change.

[Cobra_X30]

however he wasnt perfect in the relationship either: he was abusive, both verbally and psycially and that would only, in turn, lead me to cheat more.

 

One part of me is so guilty while another part of me thinks that he deserved it. The problem is ... what should I do about the other guy? I kind of want to see him again. I'm not a bad person, but I think I deserve to be treated like I'm special and important. I want to save my relationship but can I do this after I've cheated AGAIN?

 

First... you need to leave your BF, unless he has completely turned the corner and is no longer abusive in any way.

 

Second... your emotional maturity level leaves alot to be desired. You get even by cheating? C'mon... you said your in grad school! That statement should have been left back in highschool! Now is the time to GROW UP! You have a child... and it's time you acted like someone who is a rolemodel!

 

To answer your question... No, your relationship is dead. That's a good thing, because it was no good for you anyway. Besides as I say that your probably just worried about logistics, if you cared about the other stuff you wouldnt be cheating.

 

In regards to the cheating... it says some really bad things about the state of your self esteem. Personally, I'm guessing its just cause your emotionally 14, and once you grow up it will mostly go away. Just a guess though

 

So.... what kind of person do you want to be?

[Reese]

I really do think that but for my daughter I would have already ended the relationship. Throughout my pregnancy, he would do the same things he's doing now -- staying out all night with his friends, ignoring my calls etc etc. However, I see how much he loves our little girl, and he hasnt been abusive in 2 yrs (but I hear that once is enough). I am just so used to the routine and comfort and yes, I really do love him. I just cant believe that I ended up cheating on him again although I knew it would happen. It almost doesnt seem real... And yes I was 100% sober when I did this. My question is -- doesnt neglect seem to suggest that cheating will soon follow?

[Trialbyfire]

No, cheating doesn't always follow neglect, or even abuse, for that matter. There's no reason why you couldn't leave him, since he's out all the time, therefore is no help to you.

 

Do you want your little girl to grow up just like you are now? If not, time to become the mother you should be, as an effective role model, instead of a dysfunctional one.

[Cobra_X30]

I However, I see how much he loves our little girl

 

and he hasnt been abusive in 2 yrs (but I hear that once is enough). I am just so used to the routine and comfort and yes, I really do love him.

 

It almost doesnt seem real... And yes I was 100% sober when I did this. My question is -- doesnt neglect seem to suggest that cheating will soon follow?

 

He will not stop loving your little girl just because your no longer together.

 

If he has changed... then he has changed, holding the past against him is you bieng a bad person, not him. Still, just because he has changed doesnt mean you need to stay with him!

 

Fact, you dont cheat on someone you love. Whatever you feel... it isnt love.

 

You realize that the alcohol is just a cheap rationalization right? That's why you did it again... you never fixed the problem.

 

Blaming his neglect for your cheating is just more rationalizing. Take responsibilty and fix the issue.

 

His neglect should cause you to leave him... not to cheat. Cheating is emotional abuse.

[allina]

http://www.mauryshow.com/be_a_guest.html

[m101882471]

well your not going to get ahead of your grad work by going to a motel and having sex.

you need to tell your babys daddy that he needs to take a more fatherly role on and help out around the house. he cant play video games with a kid, theres no time. Threaten you are going to leave him and make him pay child support if he doesnt change.

 

However the fact that you cheated numerous times means your relationship is doomed and you will have trust issues for the rest of your life. So you can attempt to do the above and try to rebuild something (must be a nice guy if you tell him ur cheating and he still stays with you) or you can move on and so can he.

[xpaperxcutx]

From personal experience, while I was growing up, my stepfather was very abusive to my mother. He would verbally and physically abuse her because he had a temper and he used to drink alot. But she would never leave him because she wanted the "ideal family".

 

I guess my point is that you can't stay in a relationship if you're SO is abusive, that's not love. You're staying in it because you're emotionally attached to him and also because he's the father of your child. You'll always learn to forgive him no matter what his flaws and mistakes are, and you'll continually blame yourself for not being perfect.

 

You have to come to see that you can't sidestep your problems. Especially now that you're a mother.

 

Your bf is immature, and you need to confront him on it. Although I don't think giving a chance at changing would prove anything because habits die hard. The best thing you can do is break up with your bf to focus on grad school and your baby. You can continue to have him in your baby's life but, for your own sake, you need to learn to be emotionally independent and not rely on your bf's attention. There's nothing to salvage from this relationship except to move on and better yourself.

[HenryII]

You have a beautiful child and a lousy relationship. The reason u cheat is because u want out of the lousy relationship and secretly hope he will find out and end the relationship and throw u out .Then u can blame him for it all and claim innoscense.

The men u cheat with are just using u to satisfy their own needs. I'm not saying u don't have a need for satisfying sexual contact, but they are not really interested in u, or your child, sad to say.

Just try to find a way to get him out of your life. At least untill u both mature a little . Take responsibility and raise the child as best u can. Get back to studying.

Forget about cheating and u just mite meet Mr. right.

[twice_shy]

Dont judge -- I have a 3 month old precious little girl with my boyfriend of two and a half years (He's 22, I'm 24). When I first met him, I can admit that I was a bit of a drinking problem and that led me to cheat on him numerous times with a number of different people;

 

Uh, no. Drinking doesn't lead anyone to cheat. All it does is bring out the real person inside and lowers the inhibitions.

 

You cheated because you are a cheater. don't blame it on alcohol.

 

 

however he wasnt perfect in the relationship either: he was abusive, both verbally and psycially and that would only, in turn, lead me to cheat more.

 

Well then that settles it. You shouldn't be with him unless you can handle him being abusive from time to time.

 

And if he is physically abusive, why would you still want him? I feel for you on this one. I advise you to stay away from him, for your sake and your child's sake.

 

And if he is physically abusive, cheating would only anger him further.

 

 

what should I do about the other guy? I kind of want to see him again. I'm not a bad person, but I think I deserve to be treated like I'm special and important. I want to save my relationship but can I do this after I've cheated AGAIN?

 

You want to save a relationship with an abuser? If you want to see the other guy, I say leave your abuser bf in the dust and move on.

 

And no, in my opinion, you can't save this relationship with your bf. If you cheated, the damage is done. And he seems to me the type that if you cheated, he has probably justified it in his mind that he is allowed to cheat and he probably has based on the type of guy you say he is.

 

This relationship is dead as far as I'm concerned. that is unless you both take a magic pill that transforms you into someone that will never drink and cheat again, and transforms him into someone not abusive and acts like a bf and father.

[shanny]

Just end it... You can find a much better guy and most likely one who will love your child. If two people are both cheating on each other, what is the point of a relationship anyway?

[SidCaesar]

I have to disagree with everyone here, because you have problems out the ass to begin with...you do not have the "moral high ground" here at all...you've

 

1. cheated numerous times throughout the course of the relationship

2. had alcohol problems

3. made further references to cheating "20-odd times"

4. just cheated again

 

all because your boyfriend was, in that classicly vague, possibly existant term, "verbally abusive." Whereas you caused real-world pain and abuse to him via your cheating.

 

If verbal abuse is real, then cheating is abusing someone as well.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and does dumb stuff, but that's no excuse for a lot of your actions. You'd probably both be better off alone, but a big :rolleyes: to everyone in here who is telling you you're the victim and aren't at all at fault. "You can find a much better guy" who will pick up you, a kid that's not his, and all your baggage...sounds like a fairy tale to me. If that's the case, your boyfriend can find a much better woman.