Having doubts about getting married but planning wedding

[lexi29]

I have a huge problem and I need to figure this out very quickly. Maybe I'm just having a bad week or maybe I'm just starting to see things for what they really are. I am in the middle of planning a wedding (been engaged since Feb. been with my fiance for almost four years (with a break up in October) and I've been in his 8 yr old son's life for six years. I do love them both very much and at first I was so happy about getting married. My fiance is very excited and wants to talk about the wedding every single day. I don't know if its the stress of planning a wedding that is pushing me away from them or making me see everything in a negative light or not. But lately there are so many issues that I have with both of them.

 

for example, yesterday we went to look at houses. My fiance rents right now and so do I but his place is not big enough for my stuff. So we talked about it and want to buy a house (the house will be in my name only as my fiance has bad credit and he will pay a little more than half of the house payment) We had a small disagreement because I didn't want him to take his son with us to look at the houses. He is usually a good kid but he acts up when we were apartment hunting. Well he wanted his son to go and so I agreed finally. Started out that we were about five minutes from the first house and my fiance realized that he had this huge hole in the crotch of his jeans. How he did not notice this BEFORE he left the house I have no idea.

 

So now I am so embarrased that this is going to be the first impression we make meeting this new realtor. I asked him to go home and change and he said no he'd be fine. He was laughing about the situation, and I had to beg him to put on his jacket and keep it pulled down. He said as long as the realtor wasn't staring at that area she wouldn't notice the hole. Well his son obviously heard all this and thought it was so funny and I just knew that he would say something in front of the realtor and sure enough I was right! his son was pretty good at the first house but by the 2nd house he was bored and running around and singing and when he laid down on the floor right in front of the realtor and pretended to make snow angels I sternly told him to please get up and stop doing that and he did but spent the rest of the time pouting to his dad about how mean I was being. I kept telling him to settle down and not touch anything and my fiance told him to not touch anything and he cried saying that we were allowed to touch stuff so why wasnt' he.

 

On the way to the 2nd house my fiance's son jumped behind the back seat of his truck. He was waving at the realtor out the back window. HIs dad yelled at him to sit down and put his seatbelt on and so did I and he refused to listen. I dont' think it was the first time he's done this and I suspect my fiance has ignored this behavior in the past because he didn't seem too concerned after yelling at him twice and getting no response. He just said well we were almost there anyway. I couldn't believe that he wasnt' more worried about his son's safety. A child should NEVER be unbuckled and jumping around a vehicle in my opinion. And he didnt' even punish him for it or talk to him afterward!! He just told him to sit in the front seat on the way home (so he could make sure he was using his seatbelt) and I had to sit in the back.

 

My fiance and I talked about the two houses we saw and him and his son loved the first one. It was on five acres (mostly woods and hillside) and the rooms in the house were very tiny!!! My queen sized bed wouldn't even fit in the master bedroom. It was nicely redone and everything but with just the three of us walking around it felt very cramped and tiny. I couldn't imagine living there. THe 2nd house needed work but had 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and was almost 2000 sq feet. It had tons of room and I really liked it. The first house was about 1200 sq feet but my fiance said he thought the first house was bigger than the 2nd (WTF!). So we can't even agree on that. The first house sat down over a steep hill and the basement had so much water in it they have to keep a sump pump running all the time!! And it was $20,000 more than the 2nd house!!

 

Another stupid issue is my fiance's son wants a hamster. He really likes pets and has had several over the years but has none right now. His grandma has a puppy he plays with. Well for some reason he wants a hamster and has been counting his coins to see if he has enough money. Without even talking to me about it his dad said he could get one on friday. I am really opposed to this! For one thing, he has had two dogs and two cats and some lizzards and a turtle and some fish and some frogs all since we've been dating. HE doesn't have any of these right now. He always gets tired of whatever it is after a few weeks and then my fiance has to start feeding the pets and taking care of them himself and he gets tired of it and so he gave both dogs away (two separate times he's had a puppy) and the lizards died after a year and he set the frogs loose and flushed the fish when his son got tired of them. I know hamsters only live maybe four years or so but I guarantee his son will be tired of it after about a month!! I have three cats that will be living with them when I move in and they would have a nice little snack if the poor hamster ever got out of its cage. I just don't see the point in getting him another pet, he doesn't take care of them after he gets tired of them and then my fiance gets tired of taking care of it and gets rid of it.

 

So there are all these issues that we butt heads on and I just don't feel like we are a good team. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a step parent. I'm probably making my fiance seem like a bad guy and he's really not. He spends all his free time with me, always wants me around. He is really helping out planning this wedding. He has decided to pay for practically everything- the hall rental, chairs, decorations, dj, alcohol (even though I'm the one who wants it at the reception, not him) he's really stepped up. And I've gone back and read my threads from when we broke up and I was so miserable with him and his son in my life. So I know in my heart I really do love them. I am just struggling right now. I don't know what to do.

[blind_otter]

Why don't you guys postpone the wedding? I know your fiance is really set on getting married ASAP, but if you're having doubts....well...I recommend you don't go through with it until you're sure.

[hotgurl]

Lexi as I suggested before I would postpone the wedding. It is too rushed anyways.

 

I would get some pre martital counseling. Firts it seems to me like you cave on a lot of issues that are important to you.

 

Also the parenting style will become a bigger issue later on. esp if youtwo have your own kids.

 

If I have your BF and my child unbuckled the seat belt you can bet I would have pulled over and styed there until they buckled up again.

 

Also right now he is 8 what happens when he is 12 or 15?

[lexi29]

I would love to postpone the wedding, but my fiance is just so excited about it, it would really hurt him. I'm not sure if I'm just having a bad week or if its something more serious.

[carhill]

Oh, it's something serious. It's your subconscious telling you important things. It's OK to have doubts about little things, but what I've been reading isn't little. I waited until I was in my 40's to get married for the first time and, while a memorable event, I can't imagine it ruling my existence to the exclusion of all sanity

 

Seriously, I'd hurt him and delay. He'll only get hurt later. It's inevitable. Sorry

[blind_otter]

Well you really need to be able to communicate your needs to him without fearing repurcussions...

[hotgurl]

I would love to postpone the wedding, but my fiance is just so excited about it, it would really hurt him. I'm not sure if I'm just having a bad week or if its something more serious.

 

see this is what worries me. You seem to ignore yourself to not create conflict and please your fiance.

 

you seem so stressed about planning a wedding so quickly that you re not even enjoying it. You didn't even want a big wedding to began with.

 

And I can't tell whether your finace is just not taking your feeling into consideration or if you are just not telling them to him.

 

Wouldn't he rather have a happy finace who can really enjoy her wedding day and go into marriage with no doubts?

[lexi29]

Thanks, I know all of you are right. I can talk to him about things that bother me but when it comes to his son, its HIS son and I just am not sure where that line is and I don't want to step across it. His son said something very telling last night. We went out to eat and his son just kept rubbing his knife and fork together (making a screeching noise) and we both told him to stop and my fiance finally just ignored him and I took the silverware away from him and told him we were going to leave if he didn't stop and he told me "grandma lets me do this when we come here" So my fiance isn't the only one who is lax on discipline. Also my fiance said to his son "why do you always listen to your mother but not me, you don't act like this with your mother" and his son said "well she always yells at me" so he knows his dad is a pushover. I know I need to talk to him about all these things. The sooner the better.

[curiousnycgirl]

see this is what worries me. You seem to ignore yourself to not create conflict and please your fiance.

 

you seem so stressed about planning a wedding so quickly that you re not even enjoying it. You didn't even want a big wedding to began with.

 

And I can't tell whether your finace is just not taking your feeling into consideration or if you are just not telling them to him.

 

Wouldn't he rather have a happy finace who can really enjoy her wedding day and go into marriage with no doubts?

 

That is exactly what I was thinking as I read this. Frankly why should your fiance take anything you say seriously if you always cave in to his wishes? This is a very important issue - and you are just allowing yourself to be led down a whole bunch of paths that don't work for you.

 

Sit down with him tonight, and tell him you are having some serious reservations about getting married at all, and that you and he need to both come to agreement on several important issues AND you need to live by those agreements for a while before you can feel comfortable that marriage is the next step.

 

In other words he cannot just agree with you tonight to shut you up - you need to see him walk the walk. This is such a significant issue - I really hope you take the bull by the horns. Make a list before you sit down, of what you are uncomfortable about - here I'll start it.

 

1. have a big wedding - neither of your parents' can afford it, and it will put you two, as a couple, in a worse financial position going into the marriage, plus it is not something you have ever wanted. Yet he continues to push it.

 

2. if a big wedding is what he wants, planning it in such a short timeframe is nearly impossible to either get it right, at least not without spending a premium.

 

3. if his son is in a vehicle with his seat belt unbuckled, the vehicle CANNOT be moving.

 

4. there are sometimes that you would like to do things just with your fiance (and ultimately your husband) if you request that his son not join, and you have valid reasons - your wishes need to be respected.

 

5. You get an equal or even greater (because you earn more) vote in the choice of a house, and btw his son gets NO vote. If a house doesn't work for both of you - then it works for neither one of you.

 

etc etc etc

 

Good luck

[lexi29]

That is exactly what I was thinking as I read this. Frankly why should your fiance take anything you say seriously if you always cave in to his wishes? This is a very important issue - and you are just allowing yourself to be led down a whole bunch of paths that don't work for you.

 

Sit down with him tonight, and tell him you are having some serious reservations about getting married at all, and that you and he need to both come to agreement on several important issues AND you need to live by those agreements for a while before you can feel comfortable that marriage is the next step.

 

In other words he cannot just agree with you tonight to shut you up - you need to see him walk the walk. This is such a significant issue - I really hope you take the bull by the horns. Make a list before you sit down, of what you are uncomfortable about - here I'll start it.

 

1. have a big wedding - neither of your parents' can afford it, and it will put you two, as a couple, in a worse financial position going into the marriage, plus it is not something you have ever wanted. Yet he continues to push it.

 

2. if a big wedding is what he wants, planning it in such a short timeframe is nearly impossible to either get it right, at least not without spending a premium.

 

3. if his son is in a vehicle with his seat belt unbuckled, the vehicle CANNOT be moving.

 

4. there are sometimes that you would like to do things just with your fiance (and ultimately your husband) if you request that his son not join, and you have valid reasons - your wishes need to be respected.

 

5. You get an equal or even greater (because you earn more) vote in the choice of a house, and btw his son gets NO vote. If a house doesn't work for both of you - then it works for neither one of you.

 

etc etc etc

 

Good luck

 

 

Thanks, your list is spot on. The thing is he feels that I don't cave to anything! He feels that everything has to be my way or the highway. Thats why I was worried about bringing this up because it makes me seem like some harping shrew that is never happy with anything he does. And I don't want to be controlling or contstantly nagging at him. For ex. things with the wedding- he wanted no alcohol , I want it at the reception. He said ok and gave in and offered to pay for it. As for the wedding itself, I got my way, we are getting married in a park with about 30 people in attendance, its the reception that is so expensive and out of control but he is now paying for most of it.

 

the thing about his son and not being in his seatbelt, I have a sinking feeling that this happens quite often when he rides with his dad and I neer knew it. I mean my reaction was OMG what are you doing, get back up here now and my fiance just yelled at him to sit back down and buckle up. He yelled once and gave up. I don't think his son would just randomly decide to do this if he hadnt' done it before. My fiance never wears his seatbelt so maybe he doesnt' make his son do it either if they are alone. He says thats not the case but I'm wondering. That is irresponsible and dangerous!

 

As for the house, yes, if it is in my name I will NOT buy a house unless it is what I want. Yes, I will take his son's needs/wants into consideration so I consider him "getting a vote" and thats fine but I am not going to buy something they like and I don't- even though he will be making part of the house payment.

 

I called him and told him we need to talk about some things tonight so his son is going to a friend's house. Hope we solve something.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks, your list is spot on. The thing is he feels that I don't cave to anything! He feels that everything has to be my way or the highway. Thats why I was worried about bringing this up because it makes me seem like some harping shrew that is never happy with anything he does. And I don't want to be controlling or contstantly nagging at him. For ex. things with the wedding- he wanted no alcohol , I want it at the reception. He said ok and gave in and offered to pay for it. As for the wedding itself, I got my way, we are getting married in a park with about 30 people in attendance, its the reception that is so expensive and out of control but he is now paying for most of it.

 

Wow Lexi a bunch has happened that you have not shared with us. Last I heard it apeared to me that you were going to have to spend a lot of your savings on this wedding because your parents couldn't afford it. You never told us that your fiance was now going to pay for most of it. That does shed things in a different light.

 

Having said that - it doesn't change the issues. Reality is you feel the money would be better spent elsewhere. So you guys have very differing views on how to handle finances, and what your priorities are. This is a very fundamental issue that you NEED to resolve before moving forward. Don't you think?

[StartingOver07]

1. What will happen if you buy the house, marry and then later divorce. Wil you have first been guilted into buying a house you don't like with your money/credit and then later forced out of it because he's entitled to half?

 

2. The son isn't going away. The parenting issues you see and feel now and just the tip of the iceberg. The disconnect wil be even greater once you marry and are under one roof. Even bigger problems will surface if you and your fiance have a child of your own. Don't assume that love wil fix this because it won't. You need communciation and lots of it.

 

3. Although it seems overwhelming to think about post-poning your marriage, that is nothing -- not even the tinest drop in the bucket -- compared to how overwhelmed you will feel if you have to go through a divorce. The hurt inflicted on your fiance and his son, not to mention on YOU, will be 100 times greater.

 

Postpone the wedding and get pre-marital counseling.

[Mary3]

Not to put a wet blanket on things but you do realize that when you marry him , you will be marrying his bad credit ?

Meaning anything you jointly buy in the future will hurt your credit score because his is mingles with yours.

 

Also his driving record. If he has a bad one , then your insurance is going higher.

 

I think there are some deeper issues here.

I just wanted to add a few of the concerns you face once you marry....

I don't see that many positives in this ,especially the child , who will get worse as times goes by unless a huge talkfest goes on and he learns to respect your wishes.

 

Marraige * fixes * nothing.

 

Did that sound harsh , sorry...