Ex Broke Up with Me but Still Calls?

[mike071983]

Hello everyone.

 

My girlfriend of nearly 4 years broke up with me about 5 or 6 weeks ago. Out of the blue, she meets up with me and says she needs a break. She is about to graduate college and has a lot of stress and pressure and is feeling constrained in a long term relationship. She also cited the fact that things have been a little bit routine and less exciting lately romantically. It was clearly very emotional and painful for her, so I try to be as supportive as possible and let her know that I am willing to do anything she needs. Three days later, she calls me, crying, to tell me that we just need to break up because being in a grey area is extremely difficult for her --hasn't been eating or sleeping well. She says she just can't be in a long term relationship at this time. I don't know if there's something she's omitting, like another guy or something, but whatever. I still try to be supportive and tell her that I'll always be there for her, but make it clear that I do want to be with her as more than a friend. I try not to lose it and just be understanding and supportive.

 

So I basically stick to giving her space. I decided that I will go 6 weeks without initiating any contact, which has been very difficult. About 3 weeks after all of this started, she calls me to invite me to a play at her school that she was involved in technical design, but specifies that she will only see me for about ten minutes after the show because she has to strike the set. So I go and it's cool. She also invites me to "catch up" at dinner a few days later. I accept, but so far this initial contact has been awkward and a little distant on her part.

 

At dinner, we get our regular rapport back and we have a really good time together talking and catching up but she is giving me a number of signs that make me uncomfortable. She uses the word "friend," as in "I'm glad we're still friends." She seems very cautious of any couple-like things, like if I ask her to do something she doesn't seem as excited of the idea of just doing something with me the way she did when we were going out. Then a guy friend calls in the middle of dinner and she tells him that she'll call back later, which she seemed a little embarassed about. It was that last one that got me. It seems like she's spending a lot of time with him. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid, maybe not.

 

So once again, I resign to just not initiating contact. But she continues to call and ask me how I'm doing or ask me questions that she wouldn't need me to answer like "where is a certain place located again?" I just don't know if she misses me and is completely uncertain of what she wants or if she just needs to make herself feel better by remaining friends with me. If she is dating another guy already, I would hope that she would know that I would not be comfortable being friends with her already. Do I take her calls? Do I keep not initiating anything? Do I ignore her? I love her deeply, and it's really hard to ignore her but it's also really hard to just be friends so soon. Any thoughts?

[twice_shy]

I had a similar situation. High school sweetheart of 5 years, planned on getting married, decided she hadn't been with enough guys, but wanted to keep me on a string when she was done sowing her oats.

 

She did the same thing. Broke up, but wanted to stay in contact with me to keep that door open. I had to tell her straight up, "you didn't want me, so leave me alone".

 

I eventually moved out of my apartment and changed phone numbers. Didn't give her any info and that was that. I was finally rid of her.

 

Until years later, I was still not married, she had just gotten married and found out a close member of my family died. She contacted my mom and she gave her my address. Boy I was furious with old mom.

 

Anyway, she wrote me a letter and in it said she wished things had turned out differently with us. First of all I was pissed that she would use my grief as an excuse to contact me out of the blue. Secondly, I was pissed that she wasn't respecting her husband by writing me a letter telling me that crap.

 

So I put the letter in a new envelope addressed to her husband. In it I attached a post-it with the message, "tell your wife to leave me alone!!"

 

I never heard from her again. Problem solved.

 

 

Now its up to you, I know you say you love her, but I'd ignore her and move on. But your sitch might be different if it wasn't a matter of her cheating or wanting to bone other guys. so its up to you.

 

Is there any other reason she broke up? Was she messing around?

[carhill]

OP, head games with her new option (that's you).

 

If you wish to clarify your intentions (it sounds like you have already) one last time, clearly tell her you have no interest in being platonic friends and, if she has no interest in continuing a romantic relationship, you will not be in contact with her. Have a nice day

[bejshermanoaks]

Dude-

To me, shes still into you--when someone doesnt want anything to do with you, they have nothing to do with you..

Im with Carhill..tell her you still want to be with her. See what she says. She isnt gonna come out and say "I messed up. I want you back" Most people dont; their ego wont let them. More often than not they act like your girl is acting...I think she is still into you personally OR maybe she really does want a friendship (I doubt that)...

If you want her back, be clear and tell her.

Congrats on being patient man--I know it hasnt been hard; you're a rock and Im impressed with how you have handled this , standing by for all these weeks..I wish I had done the same.

 

Much love to you man

[vivrantflo]

I would put my next hard earned paycheck on the fact that she has another guy... typical cake eating, cowardice character traits.

 

Any time a woman asks for "space" or for "time" or "time and space" or the ever popular.."needing to find themselves" it means it's lights out for the ppor guy.. it's over.

 

She asked for a break, because there's another guy that she's interested in, and her feelings are conflicted... oh, and by going on a "break"... she can make out and/or bang another guy without her feeling like shes cheating on you.

 

She asked for the breakup, cause she made her decision that she wants someone else...

 

think about it..she feels constrained in the relationship?? Constrained from what??

 

Just ignore the hell out of her. She only talks to you cause you're the comfort zone. She's getting familiar with the other guy, but she needs you around so she knows you're still there.

 

Don't initiate conversations, don't answer her calls.. you DONT want to be her friend.. so there's no need to talk.

 

Women who do things like that annoy me..

[Phateless]

She's being a selfish immature bitch. Blow her off. When she calls, ignore it. Don't call her back. Don't return texts, calls, myspaces, facebooks, anything of the sort. Delete her from myspace, your phone, facebook, aim, gmail, etc...

 

She feels guilty about breaking up with you and is trying to alleviate that. She's probably seeing someone else already. I went through the exact same thing about 1.5 years ago.

 

Move on bro...

[mike071983]

think about it..she feels constrained in the relationship?? Constrained from what??

 

Well, from what I understand she is making a lot of decisions with graduating college... whether she wants to go to grad school, live somewhere else, etc. (I'm already graduated and working). It could be that she wants to make sure that she is making life decisions without making them in consideration for me. It's hard to think for two at that time in your life and you never get to make these decisions again. Maybe she needs to figure out her priorities. Plus she has spent her entire college career dating me. Honestly, if she needs one last quarter of college to experience it as a single, then I'm find with that. If it takes her dating some douchebag to recognize how great we were together, then so be it. Or maybe we won't get back together and it was the right choice. Either way, I think this is necessary for a couple that started dating so young and stuck together so long. I just don't want to burn any bridges and act like an a-hole. She has been my friend for like 8 or 9 years altogether. Right now I'm thinking don't initiate contact and be polite but not "sweet" if she does call. I'll go into moving on mode and try to date around a little bit myself. Maybe in a couple of months I'll give her a call and try to see what happens.

Edited March 22, 2008 by mike071983

[sedona]

I'm a believer in the direct approach (not that it's helped me a whole lot, mind you!). The next time she calls, can't you just ask her why she's calling all the time? If she just wants to keep tabs on you and be friends and you feel that you can't be friends with her, then tell her that and ask her to stop calling you. Tell her to call you again only if she wants to try again (assuming that's what you want). And in the meantime, you get on with your life so that if she ever does make that call, you might not want her anymore. That would probably be the mature, adult thing to do. Not easy to cut out the people we love.

[0hpenelope]

Mind games, brother. Seriously. I say that because I'm the one who was dumped and basically, the ex was aggressive about staying friends.

 

I mean, none of us here can really make anyone do what we think OPs should do, but since we're both the "dumpees", perhaps you should stick with the NC and work hard to stay NC. I went on AIM today and I saw him, went a little crazy in my head because I wanted to contact him myself (he's the one who initiates the contact when we see each other), but then I said "No. I will only feel better for a short while. Long-term, not short-term."

 

I'm choosing to disregard his "Let's stay friends," "I still care" stuff. While they may all be true, I just don't believe him anymore. For me, it came down to him wanting me gone, so... I'll stay gone then. If there's a second chance (and I'm not deluded enough to say that I'm not hoping because no one really ever knows what Life brings), then we'll get there somehow. 40, 80 years old, another lifetime, whatever.

 

As for me, I have a life to live and a doctorate to pursue. That's long-term. Good luck, bro!

[Minni]

Good Luck, Mike!

You sound very sweet & smart.

I agree w/Vivrantflo & Phateless & everyone else who responded.

I did something like this to a boyfriend too. I let him know I was stressed and very involved with the many things going on in my life & didn't have time for him. The stress & being busy is true, but I had also met someone else I was curious about. I felt he wouldn't see me as a bad person if I ended it w/those excuses, not that I was interested in someone else.

I sporadically kept in touch w/him on a "friendship" level.

The other guy was not my type at all! I missed my ex. I tried to rekindle what we had, but he wanted no part of me. He felt I had played head games w/him.

I screwed up & now he is engaged to a very lucky girl.

Another lesson learned....

I hope your ex realizes what a patient great guy you are!

Go out & have fun; she'll come around. If she doesn't, you may meet someone you would not have met had you been w/her!

[CaliGuy]

Good Luck, Mike!

I did something like this to a boyfriend too. I let him know I was stressed and very involved with the many things going on in my life & didn't have time for him. The stress & being busy is true, but I had also met someone else I was curious about. I felt he wouldn't see me as a bad person if I ended it w/those excuses, not that I was interested in someone else.

I sporadically kept in touch w/him on a "friendship" level.

 

This is what I've tried to point out many times. When someone you are with says "I need space" they don't really mean they need space from a relationship. They need space from YOU (as in, "It's over!").

 

They want to break off the relationship and date someone else, except they want to do it without being the "bad guy/girl." This helps them resolve their own guilt and allows them to start dating the new person while keeping you around. In the infancy of the new relationship, they'll keep you around (on a string) until they are sure the new person is better for them than you are. After that, you won't hear from them again.

 

This is why ex's constantly toss out bread crumbs of attention. They want to make sure you are still around IF and WHEN they want you (if ever). You are their backup plan.

 

Now I ask you this: "Would any self-respecting person want to be #2 in someone's life they make #1?" If you do, you neither love nor respect yourself. (See my signature? That is what I am implying here).

 

OP if I were you I would not accept ANY contact from her unless it was the following words: "I love you, I screwed up, I want a second chance." Any other words from her are merely breadcrumbs. As soon as things start rolling with the new guy, she will not contact you anymore.

[Phateless]

Good Luck, Mike!

You sound very sweet & smart.

I agree w/Vivrantflo & Phateless & everyone else who responded.

I did something like this to a boyfriend too. I let him know I was stressed and very involved with the many things going on in my life & didn't have time for him. The stress & being busy is true, but I had also met someone else I was curious about. I felt he wouldn't see me as a bad person if I ended it w/those excuses, not that I was interested in someone else.

I sporadically kept in touch w/him on a "friendship" level.

The other guy was not my type at all! I missed my ex. I tried to rekindle what we had, but he wanted no part of me. He felt I had played head games w/him.

I screwed up & now he is engaged to a very lucky girl.

Another lesson learned....

I hope your ex realizes what a patient great guy you are!

Go out & have fun; she'll come around. If she doesn't, you may meet someone you would not have met had you been w/her!

 

My ex did that to me and it made me more mad. She was just too much of a wuss to tell me to my face what was really going on or even admit to herself why she was dumping me. Like we don't really know what's up. Excuses are the main thing that made me mad about our breakup. She's a child...

[macon]

To be honest I think she just isn't interested in you romantically anymore, but wants to remain friends. That's just my opinion as a 33 year-old woman who's done the same kind of thing myself many times! Girls are not as complex as we're made out to be all the time - if she liked you as a boyfriend then she wouldn't have broken up with you. She wants to keep you as a friend - that's probably because she genuinely does still like you - but also it's an indicator of how this break-up is not as hard for her. If she had romantic feelings for you, immediately going to friendship wouldn't be possible until she'd got over them - the fact that she's making a point of calling you 'friend' etc. is emphasising to you that that's all she wants you to be. The best thing you can do is move on and find a girl who wants the whole package

[Phateless]

Ok here's the deal. She feels guilty about breaking up with you and is too much of a wuss to just tell it to you like it is. She's playing games to avoid HER OWN GUILT and your feelings right now are a casualty of that.

 

My ex told me she liked someone else when she broke up with me, and it was one of her friends that she had hung out with way too much while we were together. Two weeks later she was dating him and didn't tell me about it until a month later when i asked. i didn't ask until i had just finished spending 20 mins trying to convince her we should get back together. she listened to the whole thing, gave me some BS excuses about why it wouldn't work, and when i asked if she was already dating the other guy, she finally admitted it. She let me put myself through that whole thing before telling me she was with him. If she really cared about me, after the first sentence she would have told me she was already dating him. Or maybe she would have told me before making a lunch date with me? Any normal person would have...

 

SHE FELT GUILTY ABOUT DATING THE OTHER GUY AND DIDN'T WANT TO SAY IT! SHE'S NOT GENUINELY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW YOU'RE DOING. IT'S HER OWN GUILT AND THAT'S IT!

 

i said "thanks" meaning "thanks for the closure i needed" and went no contact on her and that's how it is to this day. Even now, she doesn't even realize how it looks from my end. She still. maintains that she did not leave me for him. She's an idiot and hasn't learned anything from our relationship.

 

btw, she did the same thing to me. calling every so often, and only when she needed something. i would be hoping to hear from her, the phone would ring and i would think "maybe she wants to get back together" and then she would ask me for help with something. stupid girl... i called her out on it and i suddenly stopped hearing from her. big surprise.

 

Trust me dude, this chick is poison and the sooner you realize she is evil and move on, the happier you will be.

[Phateless]

You don't believe me, ask around about the quality of advice I give...

 

btw, I'm way happier in my life than i ever was with her. Her breaking up with me was actually the best thing that ever happened to me. I get seething mad now thinking about how I allowed myself to be put in the "bitch" position. Now I would never allow anyone to treat me that way.

 

I saw her a while back and we were friendly and it was fine. No big deal at all. I didn't have any desire to have her back at all.

[serendip]

Even now, she doesn't even realize how it looks from my end. She still. maintains that she did not leave me for him. She's an idiot and hasn't learned anything from our relationship.

 

Just think about it this way...if she hasn't grown or learned from the relationship...someone else will have to deal with her sh*t.

[Phateless]

Just think about it this way...if she hasn't grown or learned from the relationship...someone else will have to deal with her sh*t.

 

Well that was the great part! When she left town, I stopped by to pick up my bookshelf speakers, and of course, she was like 6 hours behind schedule on moving and nothing was organized and the place was a wreck. I walked away laughing and thinking "haha, thank god this isn't my problem anymore!!" lol.

[mike071983]

I did ask when she broke up with me if there was someone else. "No," she said. "Really?" I ask. "No!" When I asked her about the guy that called her during our dinner, I was probing her about what kind of relationship she has with him and she said that they're are "just friends" in a tone in which she seemed to go out of her way to clear my mind about it (even though it didn't altogether).

 

So, either she's lying to me or she's telling the truth.

 

I really don't know.

[heartoutside]

I asked my ex the same thing when we first broke up and I'm not saying your ex is lying or telling the truth, only you can be the judge.

 

I don't think my ex was lying when I asked, but I do think she was interested in someone else....or saw something in someone else. She kind of confirmed this a few months later, when we meet up for lunch and she explained to me that she was finding other guys attractive (which isn't an excuse or a reason to break up with someone, I found many a ladies attractive while I was with my ex, but I knew that I wanted me ex!). Then about a month after that, she started dating this guy that I had suspected for months was the "guy."

 

What I can say from my situation is, after she started dating this guy, I deleted her from my life; EVERYTHING....phone number, email, pics, clothes, myspace, facebook, the whole damn thing and she came back a few months later, only to freak out and leave again. My ex is a mental mess, and has never been single in her young adult life (or teenager life) for longer then a month or so. She's finally taking the time to be single, or at least that's what I think and she says and our friends believe. She's kind of still in my life, but in some ways I wish I had never gotten back together with her and she was gone for good.

 

But there are a few things I've learned from this. Such as she's not responsible for my happiness, I am and that I did nothing wrong. Some people I'm starting to learn are just so damaged that their wiring in their head just has them thinking differently. Everyone of our friends think my ex is insane for doing what she did, my ex even said in an email that she wrote me just before we got back together that it was the biggest mistake ever leaving me.

 

But only you can be the judge of the situation. I would suggest that you do NC not to get her back, but for yourself. Because right now, that is really all this is about. YOU...and your happiness.

[Phateless]

I did ask when she broke up with me if there was someone else. "No," she said. "Really?" I ask. "No!" When I asked her about the guy that called her during our dinner, I was probing her about what kind of relationship she has with him and she said that they're are "just friends" in a tone in which she seemed to go out of her way to clear my mind about it (even though it didn't altogether).

 

So, either she's lying to me or she's telling the truth.

 

I really don't know.

 

she's most likely talking to him in a romantic capacity... the fact that she would take the call during dinner with you at all is rude. QUIT HANGING OUT WITH HER!!!!! You're only torturing yourself. I've told you the answer and you won't listen. You're doing this to yourself, big guy.