My wife talking to an online contact

[snowey]

I am a 30 year old married man with a 23 year old wife. We have been together for 4 years but only recently got married in Feb. of this year. For 2 weeks things escalated between her and this guy online and they were using webcams and chatting. I never thought much about it until I noticed she was acting different. Staying up late , when she never does that. Ignoring me and not having time to talk to me on the phone. So one day I was just messing around and found a pic of this guy and he was puckered up like he was kissing. I asked my wife to tell him that was too far to go and to not do that again. Onething led to another and I was told she was having phone conversations with him. Then I got suspicious and started looking for a trail. 1st thing I found was that she changed all her passwords. 2nd thing was the history files , where I found mapquest directions to his house and searches for hotels about at the midway point between them.3rd and last thing was I downloaded a spy program that recorded her keystrokes. When I read what she had wrote to him I was DEVASTATED!!! She told him she loved him and was trying to convince him to move in with her so she could take care of him, amongst other things like Don't worry ..he's a wussy not a fighter. So I spied and confronted her with it and now she is mad at me for invading her privacy but refuses to acknowledge that what she did was wrong and that had I not spied I would have never known. Now she wants to leave but I think something is holding her back...fear,uncertainty, or something but I LOVE her more than anything and want her to remain my wife. Someone please give me some advice. I am lost and hurting badly.

[Bill]

I did something very similar. Yes, the results can be very devastating in these cases. The best thing to do is leave her. She will NOT change. It may seem like you love her, but you NEED to leave her before you get hurt more. Take everything, leave her with nothing. Cheaters are horrible people.

[pitprincess]

You can load all the equitment you want and you can even take the computer away but she has started and she is not happy in some way or she wouldnt be out on the net looking and talking smack with someone like she is doing. You should ask her to seek help for you both, you love her and its hard to accept but wemon get lonely and venger out for someone that shows intrest, But be honest with your self.... had you not found this out like you had she may of been in his bed because she had plans or you would of never found anything on mapquest, or would she had changed her pass words TRUST ME I KNOW!

[Just A Girl2]

I don't know any other way to put it...but you're wife's an immature, selfish, deceitful ho.

 

Big red flag #1, was her chatting and webcamming with this guy from the start? Hello. IMO, married people have NO business whatsoever chatting it up with people of the opposite sex. It seems to almost always end up with someone crossing the line. What the hell would they need to webcam for? Why would you want some strange guy seeing what your life looked like? NO offense, bud, but you sound kind of naive.

 

Chances are good she's already hooked up with him.......she's gone to the trouble of finding directions to his home, what more evidence do you need?

 

So you bust her skanky ass and all she has to say in response is that she's p*ssed at you for invading her privacy? HELLO? This is seriously not someone who should be married (her). She sounds clueless and someone that simply can't be trusted.

 

Good God, you've only been married for 5 months, after several years together, and this is the sh*t she pulls?

 

Why would you love someone who's betrayed you like this? She's like slept with this dude..and God only knows how many other women online he hooks up with. If I were you, I'd be getting down to the local Health Clinic and getting tested for all sexually transmitted diseases and HIV. Then I would totally and completely refrain from any intimate contact with her.

 

She tells this "pig" (I say pig because he obviously knows she's got a husband and is still willing to have anything to do with her) that you're a "wuss and not a fighter"....what a b*tch! How dare she diss her husband to some guy. You're going to stand for this crap? You're going to continue to love a whore who's betrayed you in the worst way possible? Yeah yeah, you "love her"... but what's to love? A skank who is choked at you for finding out she's been horsing around....saying if you hadn't found out, you wouldn't know. THAT'S RICH!

 

You should toss her nasty butt out the door, ensure she's not on any of your credit cards, make sure she's got no access to any joint bank accts, and talk to an attorney about your rights here.

 

Frankly, she's young and likely was never really mature enough to be settling down at such a young age anyway. Let this one go, she's not worth it. Once a ho, always a ho. Hell, she's not even sorry for what you found out........doesn't that just beat everything?

 

Stand up for yourself, man!!

[Rob]

That's the thing about marriage. Once you're married to somebody, you've got to trust them with all your material possessions, your money, even your life (STD's). I'd say seek a divorce as quickly as possible and start over new. Otherwise she could end up draining your bank account, taking your stuff, or getting some disease from some guy she met ON THE INTERNET (The WORST place to meet people) and bringing it home to you.

 

Call your lawyer and get it over with before it's too late!

[Jtizzle]

i agree with everybody on this one...u should most definately live that HOE alone....when u said that you were 30 and she was 23..i knew whatever came after that was goin to be bad...if u met her when she was 19 u should have known that u would have been in for a surprise like that...most 19 yr olds are experiencing the new life of FREEDOM and most are not tied down and they can easily get distracted. WHICH in ur case fits in the statistics... when ur married and ur faithful I THINK its ok that you talk to folks online. if thats what u choose to do ..but ONLY AS FRIENDS... u should have known sumthing was up when she was on her webcam with him and whanot....how can u possibly overlook that !!

 

i understand when ur married that you want to have friends and the internet is a popular place to come jus to do that..but if ur married and are on a cam with sumone and up late at night talkin to this person and gettin directions to his/her place then thats saying that u came on the net lookin for more then a just a friend...

 

trading pix ONCE jus so u can get a sense of who u are talkin to should be as far as that whole friendly relationship on-line go. cuz the webcam can lead to more then friendship in my eyes..

 

if she basically denied everything and didnt show any compassion for ur feelins when u confronted her. then u should just leave her alone...i know its hard for u to do that..but its even said in the bible... A LYING TONGUE HATES THOSE WHO ARE AFFLICTED BY IT..

if she loved u or was woman enuff for u..then she would have the balls or in her case the clit to tell u yes she said that, and she wouldnt have brought up that weak line of u INVADED my PRIVACY....what privacy ...there isnt a I in team....not saying that i condone u spyin on her every move and stuff..but i understand ur being curious as to what part this man played in ur wifes life...and for that...i guess it takes balls to do what u did...and i understand why u did what u did...the truth hurts u know...

and if the girl couldnt be honest with u before and even after u caught her in the act..then shes showin u right there that she cant be trusted..and ALL relationships are built on trust...whether they be friendships or romance ones...i know u love her and its hard to let go..but ur whole marriage to her happened for a reason and there is a lesson to learn out of this.... u gotta case where u can get everything u two built together in this marriage....call a lawyer and put her ass to shame...

[Tony T]

This is a no brainer. Tell your wife to take a long walk off a short pier. And you've got to ask yourself why you even needed advice on this. When a person you are married to is this deceitful and trashy, it doesn't take a Harvard graduate to know what to do. I mean I can smell her this far away. She is nobody you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

If she was just chatting with this guy on the Internet, I would tell you that perhaps she was just playing...but the maps and stuff, well that's just way too far.

 

You have filed for divorce, haven't you....I mean this post is a few days old now???

[independent]

hey snowey! cheating is cheating! trusting is trusting!

 

if you wanna be foolish for the rest of your life...then you'll be.

 

how can you trust somebody who's not worth that trust?

 

look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself.

 

my wife cheated on me... 20times

 

then be quiet for a while......

 

then answer this question.....

Do you wanna play "stupid husband who's wife's been cheating on him?Seeing his wife get down on other men?"

 

if you can't then...WAKE UP! DO WHAT YOU SHOULD!

 

BRAVO! YOU'RE NOT STUPID AFTER ALL!..I ADMIRE YOU!

 

LOVE YOURSELF MAN! STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS!

[snowey]

well folks I thank you for all the advice and here is the update. Alot of things have been said and alot of tears have been shed. Fact is she IS still here with me. Apparently HE has gotten his phone shut off. I see this as a blessing. I am trying everyday to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. I took her to the drive-in last night and had a GREAT time with her. She tells me she still loves me. I am not giving up on this relationship however. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. Plus I owe it to my son(3 yrs old) to try and keep our family intact.Anyway I will post again soon. Thanks again everyone but leaving is NOT an option for me.

[Leikela]

Ah, you have a son with her? That would explain the whole marriage thing at such a young age. You knocked her up when she was 20? No wonder she's bugging out on you. She got pregnant at 20 and then married. Where in there does she have time to develop and find herself at such a young age? She is now weighed down with responsibilites of being a mother and a wife. However, I don't feel sorry for her because she brought it all on herself. It takes two to tango.

 

She's young so instead of accepting her responsibilities, she's rebelling. She's immature.

 

Also, if she's the best thing that ever happened to you, then I feel sorry for YOU Dude. You must have had many traumatic previous relationships. I mean after all, the best thing that ever happened to you cheated on you and lied to you. Wake up and smell the coffee. Maybe you don't deserve any better.

[Just A Girl2]

NEWFLASH for people out there!!.....

 

LOVING SOMEONE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEIR CRAP AND DISRESPECT!

 

Geez.

 

Pardon my bluntness, but it makes my stomach turn and a chill go up my spine when I read tales of people having been hurt/betrayed/cheated on/abused.....yet they don't have the freaking BALLS to stand up for themself, grab some self respect and seek more for their life. These lame lines of "but I love her/him!" or "he/she is the best thing that's ever happened to me." What a freaking denial-induced crock of monkey doo.

 

Maybe I'm just becoming overly cynical and hardened in my old age (LOL)...but it's getting to the point where I really have little (if any) sympathy for people who remain in sh*tty relationships with people who sh*t all over them.

 

The world is a big place. There are many fishies in the sea. Why would anyone settle for being with someone who betrayed them? Is self respect and self esteem at an all time low?

 

To the original poster.......well woopie-doo, this other guy got his phone cut. You really think that's solved your problems? I'm sure there's a few hundred thousand other dudes online she could end up chatting with, who have phone lines intact. You've obviously missed the point. And furthermore, how long will it be before his phone service is restored? Most people don't go too long without a phone......it's pretty much a necessity these days.

 

I think it's a real sad injustice to children..innocent children....when a parent lacking in common sense and self esteem is willing to suck up the sh*t of their betraying partner, with the crazy notion of "I'm staying for my child/the children." That's a copout. Children would be better off in a single parent home than to be in one where mom is a whore (or dad is a pig) and has no concept of trust, marriage, commitment.

 

If you seriously think because you had a "fun time" at the drive-in, and that because dude's phone line was cut, that your relationship is magically fixed, you really need to give your head a shake...followed by a trip the Free Clinic to be tested for STDs.

[Jtizzle]

yeah...if she is the best thing that happened to u snowey i do feel sorry for u too..i mean u had all the facts there to leave her and yet and still u decide to stay. i understand u want to be a family for ur son. but WHAT kind of role model are u being to ur son if u put up with this..basically she has u kissing her ass and ur showin ur kid that its OK for a woman to cheat on u if u LOVE her and u feel that she's best thing to happen to u. put urself in ur sons situation years from now when he is dating.

Son: Dad i found my girlfriend doing the nasty with another man in our bed what should i do?

Dad: well son, ur mother cheated on me but shes the best thing to happen to me and look where we are now.blah blah blah..

 

honestly...would u say that to ur son if he was in the same situation. i think not. what parent would..

**yeah son she's a whore u have all the facts in front of u, but if u love her stay with her and have her cheat on u many times again,etc..**

 

she lies to u and u accept it wit open arms...thas jus like a lady gettin abused but sayin her man does it cuz he loves her..*shakes head* when will people get the brains to know when a relationship is done..

[km82794]

I'll spare you from having to read one more sarcastic opinion from me. You have obviously been through enough.

 

I will just tell you that I think you will regret your decision to stay in your marriage now matter how admirable your intentions for doing so may be.

 

Just in my opinion, she has disrespected you, lied to you and has "already cheated on you" (Yep, I consider this cheating).

 

I just don't see it getting any better. She is no role model for your son.

 

I'll wish you luck, I know you'll need it!

 

Take Care!

[snowey]

ok....so the consensus is to leave. I am not willing to do that just yet. No ...I don't think things got magically fixed or anything of the sort. I came here for advice on how to fix things not get berated and cut down for wanting to have this thing work. What is wrong with wanting to save my marriage? I know this is a world of married today and divorced tommorow but why would I want that if I think we can work through this? I met my 1st wife when I was 16 and ended up staying with her for 10 years. I don't like jumping from girl to girl or "fishing" for the other "fishies" . Who does? That is dangerous in this day and age with all the diseases out there. I am not a lovesick little boy who just don't know any better. I am a grown man who has a been there done that attitude. We DO have a life together and it CAN work....with time and understanding. If I do stay (or if she does) then it's not all for nothing. Look...I DO appreciate all of you taking time to read and to respond to this but there are so many other things that go into a decision like this that you guys (and girls) don't know but it's too much to go into. I love her and am not willing to let her go without trying to fix whatever problem we may have. So once again thanks to those who genuinely gave me their advice and even to those who just wanted to tell me what an idiot I must be. I'll keep writing as long as you do.

[Leikela]

Everytime you write, you reveal more pieces to the puzzle. So, you have been married before and met your first wife when you were 16 and stayed with her for 10 years! Ok, now it's time to analyze yourself. Forget about these relationships for a minute.

 

Let's focus on YOU. Why are you apt to find partners that aren't right for you? Why are you so accepting of being abused/stepped on in a relationship? Do you have a fear of being alone? Are you co-dependent?

 

Now let's look at your parents relationship... How was that? Did your father cheat on your mother or vice versa? Was their marriage happy or abusive? Are they divorced? What was your childhood like?

 

We usually attract the kinds of partners based on what we know and are used to. My guess is that you haven't had the best role models when it comes to relationships. Maybe you should go to a counselor and talk these things out. Get yourself healthy and then attract a healthy mate in return. True happiness is NOT out of your reach but you have to be willing to put in the work to get there. Best of luck to you.

 

 

PS-- You'll be doing your son a HUGE favor too by getting healthy. Break the cycle!

[Just A Girl2]

snowey,

 

nevermind the fact that his is your second marriage. nevermind that doing the math (you have been married to this tramp for 3 yrs, prior to that you were married to a yougin' for 10 yrs...you are 30, so that means you married the first time at age 17) ....check out this statement you made, in regard to why you're so hellbent on remaining with a hooch/not ready to give up on your marriage:

 

That is dangerous in this day and age with all the diseases out there.

 

You're worried about diseases NOW?

 

check out this original info you posted here:

 

2nd thing was the history files , where I found mapquest directions to his house and searches for hotels about at the midway point between them

 

Toots, people sneaking around in a marriage who have been found to be using mapquest to search out HOTELS ain't doin' it because they go there to collect those little free bottles of shampoo. WAKE UP, for pete's sake. They check out hotels for the purpose of having a secret place to play HIDE THE SALAMI. You'd be completely naive to think for a minute that given the original info you've given here, about her attitude/behavior and the things you found while "spying", that she hasn't slept with this dude....a dude you know nothing about. If he's horsing around with a guy's wife, he's got no class or scruples and you can almost bet he's a man-whore.......which ups the odds considerably that he's got Herpes, Genital Warts, HIV, the Clap, etc.

 

If you're so worried about diseases, lose the wife.

[snowey]

my father left before I was the age of 1. My mother is now on her 5th husband. I left home when I was 16 to live with my then girlfriend( I eventually married her) I met her at 16. Lived with her until I was 18. Got married at 18 and had my daughter(now 11) at 19. That marriage I think was more of a "get away from my mother " type thing which ended up turning into a relationship where I felt like my wife(now ex-wife) was trying to be like my mother. Me and my current wife were friends for about 6 months b4 we moved in together. Then dated for about 6 months b4 she ended up pregnant with my boy. I waited 3 years b4 marrying her because I wanted to be sure. Now it's been since Feb of this year that we got married and this is the point at which we are at. I have made mistakes I know this. I don't think I am co-dependent to an extreme but to some degree yes...everyone is a little. I don't NEED her...I do WANT her though. I know I can take care of myself. No bullsh*t....I do love my wife. I can't explain it but I feel it for sure. I'm confused admittedly and hurt but I want to fix things and make them work. That's the advice I'm seeking. How can I do this?

[Gray]

Originally posted by snowey

I'm confused admittedly and hurt but I want to fix things and make them work. That's the advice I'm seeking. How can I do this?

 

The best way to do what you're looking for is not to spy on her anymore. Live in the dark, and let her do what she is naturally going to do.

 

I know you feel like you were being attacked, and some people were attacking you (and some people I have ignored, I'm sure were attacking you). But they're trying to tell you the best thing for you. If you're ok with having a wife who will be unfaithful occasionally, then do as i suggested, don't spy, try to keep your head in the sand, and tell her you love her often.

 

This is her problem not yours, you can support her but can't force her to change. If you want a happy, trusting marriage, then you have to follow the advice of the people here.

 

Good luck to your son.

[Just A Girl2]

I'm confused admittedly and hurt but I want to fix things and make them work. That's the advice I'm seeking. How can I do this?

 

We *teach* people how to treat us. Seeing how you're condoning your wife's infidelity and betrayal of you, you're sending her a message that she can crap all over you and that you'll just suck it up and continue to be with her. You've sent her a very dangerous and risky message. What on earth is going to stop her from hooking up with some other guy she meets online?

 

As for how you can 'fix this'......the majority of the fixing will have to come from your wife. Is she going to put an end to betraying you by chatting with men online? Webcamming with them? Your wife has no business carrying on this way, and part of has to do with you putting your foot down (even if means getting rid of the computer) and her smartening up and acting like a good wife/role model for her child, and respecting you as a person/friend.

 

The way I see it, this can only work (the odds are low) if your wife makes a CONCERTED EFFORT to make this work. Unfortunately, all the love in the world from you isn't going to force her to a) want to make it work...b) make it work.

 

Marriage counselling might be a start..to get at the root of why she's betrayed you...and to help you rebuild the trust for her.

 

I do admire the fact that you're wanting to work on things, and not just give up........but where does your wife play into all of this?

 

Has she apologized for what she's done to you?

 

Has she admitted that carrying on the way she did was wrong? (cuz in your original post, all she did was rag on you for snooping on you, NOT apologizing and showing regret or remorse)

 

What steps is SHe taking to save your marriage, or does she even want to?

 

Will she refrain from chatting online with men? Or does she feel she should be able to do whatever she wants?

 

If you're determined to stick with this, then technically, the ball is in your wife's court.......it all comes down to whether she wants to make this work, whether she's sorry for betraying you and whether she can be trusted.

[snowey]

There is more to the puzzle than anyone knows...true. I know for a fact they haven't met anywhere. There is 16 hours between them . She has never been gone that long....ever. We have one car for that matter and I watch the mileage for tax purposes and she never puts more than 50 miles on it at a time. Doesn't mean he hasn't came here but I doubt it. I just want this thing to work...OK? can't anyone understand I don't want to throw my life away over her (as far as right now) talking to someone who is obviosly telling her what she wants to hear on the phone or online. I admit I work alot and don't spend the right amount of time on her. I DID that...but no more. I have analyzed our relationship from the start. From the 1st time we met til now and there are SO many reasons for me to love her and stay. This is the 1st REAL serious problem we have had. Maybe if I wouldv'e been the guy that I was 2 years ago things would be different but people change and you can't go back. I have neglected her in the emotional sense for awhile now. I say this...not her ..or anyone else. I realize it and I am trying , by expressing my love and showing her, to remedy it. I won't just up and walk out. There are other obligations to consider( lease,car,our boy, etc) that simply can't be walked away from.I want a strong marriage based on trust and love.. It's not all sunshine and roses but if 2 people really love each other then they can get past something like this.

[Leikela]

Based on everything you have said, you need counseling. You want advice on how to fix your marriage? Counseling!! I cannot express that enough!!

 

It seems as though a lot of your issues stem from your relationship with your mother. See how you ended up marrying a carbon copy of your mother the first time around? Counseling will help you resolve these issues. Not only do you need individual counseling but marriage counseling as well if you want things to last with your current wife. I would recommend getting your own help first though.

 

Like Gray said, if you are ok with the occasional affair then just pretend that you don't know what is going on and carry on with your relationship.

 

In my opinion, you need to open the lines of communication between you two. Find out why she behaved the way she did. Find out how she's feeling about all of it. The fact that she acted out this way indicates that she needs counseling too.

 

I hope you can break the cycle not only for yourself but for the sake of your children as well. They deserve a chance at healthiness.

[independent]

i have read all the replies and yours too...

 

if none of these realities can't wake you up i guess time will...

 

when will that be?........your decision can make or break you

(emotionally, physically -your health, mentally-actually you are already confused)and since it's already there...we'll just wait for the outcome. "hope everything will have it's good ending".

 

but i'm telling you..trusting someone is easier said than done.

part of what had happened can make you soooo paranoid.

you will be watching her every moves..checking on your balance sheets. you'll ebe busy thinking and checking on her. you will only be assured when she's around with you but if she's out..you will surely get paranoid. man!! your wife knows how to cheat VERY WELL!"...she even uses reverse psychology on you by getting angry at you when she was caught because you are acting so.....

much a good husband to her. it is good to fogive but to forget about yourself is bad.

 

she said she loves you still? when did she say that?..only when the guy's phone is unavailable?..and you are the only person in her life who waits for her when she's alone again and not busy on other illicit stuffs. you are playing a role of a doormat, not a husband. you are too afraid to lose her because you lost one marriage before. you want your life to "look perfect" in your eyes.

but it's obviously not. you want a different life from your parents, fomthe ones you grew up with. and then...you always fail.

 

can't you just give yourself a break?..reflect..take it easy?...then think afterwards.

 

if she's the best thing for you why is your life now a mess because of her?

 

don't let your emotions blind you...don't dream...face reality.

 

*****about the hiv, aids thing....you can never be sure...anybody can just get down anywhere for 45 mins...you'll never know. that's the challenge for those cheaters out there...on how to divide the time without being noticed. HEY SNOWEY! DON'T BE GULLIBLE!...remember! AIDS IS NO JOKE!

[snowey]

ok guys...another update. She has agreed , after long discussions, to not talk to him anymore. It's not over( our problems that is) but we are on the right track to recovery.I'll update more later. Thanks again to EVERYONE who has posted. Even the cynical jaded ones. (you know who you are) It has all helped me one way or another.

[Just A Girl2]

Snowey,

 

A person doesn't have to be cynical or jaded to respond telling you that you're being naive and foolishly optimistic to want to remain with this person you call your wife. It's really all about common sense.

 

If wifey's dude hadn't gotten his phone disconnected, gee, I wonder if she'd have this epiphany and only NOW be deciding she won't talk to him again.

 

For the sake of your pecker and your health, you really should be getting yourself checked out for diseases, that also is common sense when dealing with a whoring, deceitful, manipulative wife. Oh well, live and learn. When you come back here in the future whining that your wife cheated on you again, you found it out after having to play detective some more, I won't bother wasting my time by telling you "I told you so."

 

JAG2- not jaded, just not stupid

[snowey]

well....I wasn't talking about jag2 when I posted my last reply but obviously you took it to heart. I didn't call you out on anything so why the tude huh? Even if I did I still said thanks.What else am I supposed to do.? I didn't agree with everything posted nor did I disagree. I DID come here whining and crying, I suppose, but I thought it would help me for I have nobody else(save a psychiatrist) to talk to. I am still not willing to just up and leave or give up on my marriage.Truth be known my 1st failed marriage was all me. I walked out because my ex got "super" religous and tried forcing it on me. Screw that. I don't have religion nor will I ever (most likely) That's why that ended ultimately. This is different. We have things in common. Music, movies, sports, dancing...etc. She makes me feel complete when I am around her. She has admitted that what she did wasn't right and she IS making steps to keep this together. We both are. WE want this to work. Not for the sake of society or to not be a statistic but because we love each other. Not because we're co-dependent or lacking self-esteem in ourselves from prior relationships or what our families did to us to screw us up in the head later in life. We genuinely love one another and this IS worth fighting for and salvaging. Listen jag2....you helped in your own way and I feel what you wrote was not in vain. I thank you personally for ALL your advice.