How to handle this?

[maskee28]

I am not sure how to handle this situation…

 

I am 28, married for 9 months, and I have a 6 year-old daughter from a previous relationship. My new husband has been more of a father to her during the time he’s been in her life than her biological dad has been since she was born. Her bio dad has not seen her since just before she turned 4, but has called a few times (approximately 4 times over the last couple years).

 

I have always let him talk to our daughter when he calls, since I don’t feel that I should deny that to either of them. Although our break-up was not pretty, (about 4.5 years ago), we now have quite a civil relationship whenever we do speak.

 

It has been hard for my daughter to bond with my husband in a father-daughter type relationship – well, not really ‘hard’, they have always been very fond of each other, but I think she has struggled with a sense of loyalty toward her bio dad, even though she has had almost no contact with him (which is frustrating for me; since I know what a jerk he is). She has only good memories of her bio dad (perhaps 1 or 2), although honestly, if he were to pass us in the street, she wouldn’t even recognize him. Anyway, since the wedding, (we didn't live together before marrying) she has started to get really close to my husband, and you can see the father-daughter bond growing.

 

I haven’t heard anything from her bio dad for quite some time, and I kind of thought we’d never hear from him again – until just yesterday, when I found out that a few days ago he called my mother’s house, asking if I’d be coming back to visit this summer, since he lives near her. He spoke to my brother, who said he didn’t know if we are coming back or not (we aren’t).

 

I don’t know why he didn’t just call us directly, but anyway, I am just worried that he is now going to try and contact me again, wanting to see or talk to our daughter. To be quite honest, I think she would be better off if we never heard from him again. I don’t know how to handle it if he calls us again…I don’t know if I would be doing my daughter an injustice by denying her contact with her bio dad…I just do not want to jeopardize the (fairly) new father-daughter bond she has with my husband.

 

All advice/suggestions welcome…

[Tony T]

You have a difficult decision to make and the ultimate call is yours.

 

My personal feeling is you should let your daughter talk to her real father now and then, just to keep in touch. If you don't, when she gets older she will have forgotten this contact and constantly wonder about her real father....even after you tell her what a creep he was. Having minimal contact keeps him in her consciousness and avoids problems later.

 

I see no reason whatsoever why the bond between your daughter and your new husband won't continue to strengthen even if she talkes to her real dad occasionally. Your husband and daughter are around each other everyday and the bond is obviously more strong than it could ever possibly be between her and her real dad. Nothing is going to happen to that relationship.

 

Discuss your plans and rationale with your current husband so he understands the drill...and understands the difficulty you are facing in making decisions on how to deal with this issue. I think he will be understanding and supportive in whatever you do. It sounds like he has your daughter's best interests in mind.

 

Don't make this a bigger issue than it really is. Five or ten minutes on the phone talking to her dad isn't going to mess anything up. Even a short, supervised visit may be in order at some point....for the benefit of your daughter. I have seen too many people long to meet and touch their real parent and this is something you have to keep in mind. I promise you, when your daughter does see her real father it will be more of a curiosity thing than anything else. She will know where the REAL love is coming from.

 

I'm very happy you found a nice man for yourself and for your daughter. That makes me happy when I hear about those things happening. Both you and your daughter are very lucky!!!

[clia]

I don’t know how to handle it if he calls us again…I don’t know if I would be doing my daughter an injustice by denying her contact with her bio dad…

 

You would be doing her an injustice. If he is making an effort (no matter how small) to remain in contact, even sporadically, do not deny her the opportunity to talk to him. If she, voluntarily, comes to you and says she no longer wants a relationship with him, that is different. But until she does that, allow her to speak to him.

 

I just do not want to jeopardize the (fairly) new father-daughter bond she has with my husband.

 

You also should not jeopardize the bond she has with her father. She will resent and hate you for it later if you deny her the opportunity to get to know her bio dad. If she makes the decision on her own, that is a different story. But I don't believe you should press or ask her--just assume she wants to talk to him unless she tells you otherwise.

 

No matter how big of a jerk he was to you, he is still her biological father, and you should not forget that.