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Was it wrong for me to let him know I'll be in town?


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OK. So, I may have goofed up today.

 

My ex and I broke up about a month ago because he can't handle the distance. We truly adore each other, but it's been very tough since he's a bit more emotional than I am.

 

I text him today that I'm going to be in his town next week for work (for a day) and the week after (for 4 days, no work). I haven't received a response yet, but I know I will. He may just have to figure out how to respond first.

 

I understand if he doesn't want to see me because it may just make things more difficult for the both of us, but I would LOVE to see him.

 

Am I crazy???

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no!!!of course you are not..guys isnt there any possibility to move?!?!?i am so worried when people breaking up because of distance (i also did). if distance for the most important thing in a relationship, we would be in love with our neighbors.. no?!

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So not crazy! I responded to another thread of yours. I want nothing more than to see my ex-bf ...trouble is:if they won't see us...how do we do it when we're in town?? (I was in a LDR too) how do you stay away? WHY would you? (is my question!) I know, I know! NC, NC, NC, NC! I just don't get it! If you're happy together, why on earth would one choose to be miserable!? IN CASE it doesn't work???? Not much help...but I get you ;) warm wishes (have a glass of shiraz!)

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no!!!of course you are not..guys isnt there any possibility to move?!?!?i am so worried when people breaking up because of distance (i also did). if distance for the most important thing in a relationship, we would be in love with our neighbors.. no?!

 

I will be moving there in about a year or so because I have family there, the beach is there, and my career will further there. If he and I were still together by then it would be WONDERFUL! But, he's so worried he'll get more miserable waiting for that day. He thinks 2 weeks is a long time to wait to see me. Ugh...

 

I love your comment, by the way. It made me laugh aloud. THANK YOU FOR THAT! :)

 

My new quote: "If distance was the most important thing in a relationship, we would be in love with our neighbors, no?"

 

HAHA!

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NC, NC, NC, NC! I just don't get it! If you're happy together, why on earth would one choose to be miserable!? IN CASE it doesn't work???? Not much help...but I get you ;) warm wishes (have a glass of shiraz!)

 

I don't get it either. If he and I care so much about each other, why do we have to ignore each other? Argh. It doesn't make any sense.

 

The one thing I can think about that makes sense is the fact that when I do talk with him, I get more sad when we get off the phone. BUT, I feel sad every day now and we haven't spoken in 2 weeks.

 

So, I can't help but wonder: which is better?

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surfcitysiren

There's a reason they say all is fair in love and war. Because it involves human beings with vulnerabilities and frailties. There is potential for great truimph or utter devastation. It's messy and sometimes it hurts.

 

So was it fair for you to say you'll be around? Yep.

 

No, sweetie, you are not crazy. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just realize a couple of things going in and try not to lose sight of them:

 

1. Don't try to control the outcome. You can't. He may come running. He may not. EITHER ONE HAS TO BE OKAY WITH YOU. Because you are not in control.

 

2. Realize that even if you see him and it's wonderful that you will be embarking on another rollercoaster ride afterwards. The problems that were there before are still there. Unless something changes, you are looking at a similar outcome to last time. Are you up for that?

 

3. IF you see him, try to keep it as FRIENDS. Try to have FUN. Focus on the moment and on having fun with him. Don't try to figure out all the reasons why things broke down. Don't discuss it, even if he tries, just try to keep it light. Tell him you guys don't need to figure it all out right now. That you just wanted to see him and have a good time. If at all possible, do NOT sleep with him. Just *TRY* not to. Really, really try. And then DON'T. It will only make it worse.

 

4. Be willing to accept the aftermath, whatever that may be and don't get your hopes too high....

 

Good luck! Keep us posted!!!1

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1. Don't try to control the outcome. You can't. He may come running. He may not. EITHER ONE HAS TO BE OKAY WITH YOU. Because you are not in control.

 

2. Realize that even if you see him and it's wonderful that you will be embarking on another rollercoaster ride afterwards. The problems that were there before are still there. Unless something changes, you are looking at a similar outcome to last time. Are you up for that?

 

3. IF you see him, try to keep it as FRIENDS. Try to have FUN. Focus on the moment and on having fun with him. Don't try to figure out all the reasons why things broke down. Don't discuss it, even if he tries, just try to keep it light. Tell him you guys don't need to figure it all out right now. That you just wanted to see him and have a good time. If at all possible, do NOT sleep with him. Just *TRY* not to. Really, really try. And then DON'T. It will only make it worse.

 

4. Be willing to accept the aftermath, whatever that may be and don't get your hopes too high....

 

1. You're totally correct - and that's what sucks. Not that I'm a control freak or anything. :) It is just tough when you don't have ANY control over the situation - especially when I feel as though he does.

 

2. He and I have discussed this after our break-up. Even if we got back together, our job schedules haven't changed and the distance is still there. Also, he feels as though by breaking up with me, I may have lost trust in him he may never regain. I'm not sure if that's true quite yet.

 

3. Planning on it, I promise. VERY HARD TO DO.

 

4. This one I have to work on. I don't want to feel any more pain that I already do.

 

Thank you for the advice. :) I really, really hope I can be happy again soon.

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Ok. So, I received a text back a couple hours ago. He asked when and where I'll be. I responded to the location and he asked if I am thinking we should get a coffee or something. I replied asking if he'll be around. He responded saying he thinks that he'll be in Phoenix that weekend.

 

I'm sure he's telling the truth, but I feel so sad over it.

 

A part of me wants to see him badly, but the other part doesn't. I know if I see him I'll want to be with him, and possibly him with me too. I don't think I can be just friends. :(

 

I just wish I could forget him.

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God I know how you feel! WHY does this have to be so complicated? I just want to email him and say (mine that is) "listen, I miss you, you have feelings for me, I am miserable without you and you gotta miss me too? Why on earth are we doing this to each other?"

Getting ready to watch the notebook...i've never seen it before but apparently, I'm in for another night of crying :(NC is just pure nonsense!

---is there a chat board here?

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He just text me again with the following:

 

Him: I think I get back that Thursday, the day you arrive. And you'd want to see me?

 

Me: Yes. I want us to be friends. Or at least try. You?

 

Him: Yeah. I'd like that.

 

I'm really nervous. I don't know if I could do it. If I do meet up with him, I will NOT bring up the relationship. I will try and keep it unemotional.

 

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

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Right. I might have just goofed too? I just wrote him a message. i think I can still delete...wonder if I should? Pr-girl---this is YOUR thread ...what do you think? I wrote a message saying my bit that I quoted above...Am I pushing again? Do I? Being without him is miserable. These matters of the heart suck! I purposefully never fell in love before (despite being married twice ! (they loved me more than I did them...) is this karma coming to bite me in the ***?

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God I know how you feel! WHY does this have to be so complicated? I just want to email him and say (mine that is) "listen, I miss you, you have feelings for me, I am miserable without you and you gotta miss me too? Why on earth are we doing this to each other?"

Getting ready to watch the notebook...i've never seen it before but apparently, I'm in for another night of crying :(NC is just pure nonsense!

---is there a chat board here?

 

"The Notebook" is an awful movie to watch when you're in our position. Haha. BUT, it does have a hopeful message which may make you feel better OR create a false hope which I'm currently trying to overcome. :(

 

I'm not sure if there is a chat board. I'll look into it.

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I would do ANYthing to see him! What if sparks fly? What if they don't? Either way, you'll KNOW! Gotta see him!

 

I'm going to meet up with him if he can. The fact that he asked me if I WANT to see HIM? Hahaha! It's comical! He feels as though I wouldn't? Hmmm...

 

I KNOW he thinks of me every day and I know he keeps himself busy to get me off his mind. I know him well enough for that. Also, I know he's on my MySpace page often. He changes songs to counteract mine. Like we're communicating through our songs. It's weird.

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aaaa very very nice!!!you will meet him!!!!!i dont think that you have to pretend being friends. what i would do, is to show him that "look, together we are very good" and to keep this situation till the day that i would move there. (to be honest, is the situation that i live right now if you read my post)

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aaaa very very nice!!!you will meet him!!!!!i dont think that you have to pretend being friends. what i would do, is to show him that "look, together we are very good" and to keep this situation till the day that i would move there. (to be honest, is the situation that i live right now if you read my post)

 

Thank you for the advice. I'm feeling a bit nervous here. I will try being myself and not pretending anything, but behave myself in a rational, unemotional manner.

 

Boy, why can't things just be easy? :) Haha...

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So, my ex told me in a text on Friday that he may be in Phoenix when I'm in CA (where he lives) next week. He wrote that when he got home, he'd look at his calendar to make sure. He hasn't text me to let me know if he'll be in town or not. I'm confused. He said he'd like to see me and I believe him. I don't want to see to eager. Should I text him next week when I'm there or should I let it go?

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Let it go, he should be wanting to meet you so much that he's booking in dates, etc. Or at least calling you to let you know what's going on.

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From a guys point of view:

 

I am in a similar situation. My girlfriend or ex g/f now moved away for a while, could be a couple of weeks, could be forever. She couldn't give me an answer so I had to cut it off. It has been very, very hard. I too, like your guy, know I can't deal with a long distance relationship. I need a woman that is beside me, that I come home to, that I see every day, that I share daily life experiences. I feel that if she is not willing to move back to my hometown (where she was living for 2 years and has tons of friends) then i need to move on.

 

As for you pr-girl meeting up with the guy, if you do, you WILL have sex, no doubt. The feelings this guy has for you have not gone away after 2 weeks of not talking. Then, unfortunately, you are at square one again. Still having crazy feelings about eachother, dragging the relationship along, it sucks. I am probably going to be in this same EXACT position in a couple of weeks when my ldr ex comes back into town in two weeks. We just started trying not to communicate two days ago. She texted me yesterday quoting a funny song we always sing. I didn't text back. No call from her. I wonder if she is missing me as much as I am missing her...very sad...

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From a guys point of view:

 

I am in a similar situation. My girlfriend or ex g/f now moved away for a while, could be a couple of weeks, could be forever. She couldn't give me an answer so I had to cut it off. It has been very, very hard. I too, like your guy, know I can't deal with a long distance relationship. I need a woman that is beside me, that I come home to, that I see every day, that I share daily life experiences. I feel that if she is not willing to move back to my hometown (where she was living for 2 years and has tons of friends) then i need to move on.

 

As for you pr-girl meeting up with the guy, if you do, you WILL have sex, no doubt. The feelings this guy has for you have not gone away after 2 weeks of not talking. Then, unfortunately, you are at square one again. Still having crazy feelings about eachother, dragging the relationship along, it sucks. I am probably going to be in this same EXACT position in a couple of weeks when my ldr ex comes back into town in two weeks. We just started trying not to communicate two days ago. She texted me yesterday quoting a funny song we always sing. I didn't text back. No call from her. I wonder if she is missing me as much as I am missing her...very sad...

 

I really do see his side, but I don't understand his reasoning since he knows there is a strong possibility I will be moving there in about a year or so (family, friends, work, etc.). After all, I grew up there. If he and I were together, I may move sooner. He thinks a year sounds like an eternity. I guess, for him, it is. :(

 

As for us being intimate, I doubt it. When we were still together and trying to figure out if we were going to stay together or not, I flew to CA and stayed with him. We spoke about if we should make love or not; if it would just complicate things. Of course, we were still together, so we did. Now that we're broken up, I wouldn't go to his place. It would only make things more difficult.

 

Do you think we should just have coffee? Maybe something light and public?

 

This could go one of two ways:

1) We see each other, I notice he is over me, and it's easier for me to put behind me

2) We see each other, I notice he still cares very much for me, and it makes things more difficult (and as you said, we start back at square one)

 

Let me ask you this: If you really care about someone, why let them go and potentially lose them to someone else? Why not tough it out for a bit to potentially have ultimate happiness for years to come? How can I be so positive about this long-term and he be so short-sighted? I can tell by his MySpace music, he is miserable. Why not want me back in his life? Even for a few days here and there? We spoke every day back then; now, not at all. I'm trying to understand. It's just difficult.

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I wonder if she is missing me as much as I am missing her...very sad...

 

If she is anything like me, she is missing you so much it hurts. You not texting back may have made her even more sad. After all, you broke up with her. There is a rejection factor. Although she and I may understand you both still care and you just have a hard time with LDR's, it still feels as though you gave up.

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Let me ask you this: If you really care about someone, why let them go and potentially lose them to someone else? Why not tough it out for a bit to potentially have ultimate happiness for years to come? How can I be so positive about this long-term and he be so short-sighted? I can tell by his MySpace music, he is miserable. Why not want me back in his life? Even for a few days here and there?

 

pr-girl, I am 31 years old, good looking, successful, etc. I am also a great guy and will make a great husband. I feel SHE left ME. She was living in my home town and left. When she left she said she would be back in a couple of weeks or a month. As soon as she gets down there she says she doesn't know when she is coming back. She has gone through some tough times lately and her family lives where she went but many of her friends and me are where I live. She told her friends she was coming back too in a month or so. "why not tough it out for a bit"??? How long is a bit? Why don't you tell him how much you love him and move to where he is? Whats holding YOU back? He WILL find someone else if you don't. And how long is a bit? Thats what she kept telling me, a month, 2 months, after summer, I feel she is stringing me along. If she would give me a solid date and a reason that date is set in stone, then I would deal with the ldr. But, I'm not going to shut off all other opportunites to meet potential girlfriends when my ex won't make a commitment of where she is going to live or better yet a commitment to be with me.

 

As for not texting her, she knows EXACTLY how I feel. I have told her that I love her and I want her to come back. And, that if she gave me a solid date that I wouldn't have as much as a problem with the ldr. I am missing her like crazy but keeping up with the texting is not going to help the situation. A relationship is being together. I feel that she needs to make the move, if she wants to be with me then she needs to move back.

 

I ask you, what am i supposed to do?!?! What do you want your man to do?!?! When you were trying to do it, didn't you notice that there isn't much to talk about? They are there, you are here.

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How long is a bit? Why don't you tell him how much you love him and move to where he is? Whats holding YOU back? He WILL find someone else if you don't. And how long is a bit?

 

I ask you, what am i supposed to do?!?! What do you want your man to do?!?! When you were trying to do it, didn't you notice that there isn't much to talk about? They are there, you are here.

 

It looks as though our situations are a bit different.

 

I met him on an airplane over a year ago. He lives in CA and I, NV. We didn't begin dating until about 10 months later. The distance was always the issue. We tried, but he said he could never fully open his heart with me so far away. Me? I opened my heart completely and he knows this. I offered to move there once I knew it was right, but after only 3 months of actual "dating," I couldn't just "up and leave" without knowing he wants to fully commit to me. Does that make sense? I mean, if he can't show me how he is when his heart is open, how am I supposed to move there to be with him?

 

I absolutely adore this man and his exact words were, "You are the only woman I want, the only girl for me. There is no one else I'd rather be with, but I CAN'T HAVE YOU." Well, if I'm willing to move one day (it makes more sense for me to move to CA than him, NV), then doesn't that show how much I care? I told him I could move in 6 months if we could last through this. He said 6 months "seems like an eternity."

 

I'm 31 years old with a lot going for me. He's 32 and a wonderful man as well. I AM afraid he'll find someone else in his own city. But, I guess if he does, it wasn't meant to be for us.

 

As for your situation, it sounds as though you're doing the right thing. How long were you together prior to her move?

 

As for my situation, I'd like him to show me how much I mean to him and how much he doesn't necessarily NEED me, but WANTS me in his life. If he could show me how much he cares, we could work through this together and in 6-12 months, I'd move there to be with him, my friends, my family, the beach and a new job.

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My ex lived in missouri and the past month lived with me in my house. We were together for about 3 months too. She planned on going to TX for a while anyway to visit her family before we even met, she actually prolonged the trip to tx because of our relationship. Long story but she does need time to herself, she didn't plan on meeting me when she did and honestly, it was bad timing.

 

In my situation I feel that she has many reasons to move to MO, friends, good life, and me of course :) but I think she needs to make the decision. She has been saying how much she likes TX now. If she wants to move back to MO it should be for more reasons than just me at this point.

 

That might be what your guy is thinking. We are madly in love with eachother. Although we were only dating for 3 months like you. She has said the same thing, "only if we were dating for 6 months" she would feel better about coming back to MO. I feel if you really love someone you let them go and if they come back they are yours, cheesy i know but maybe true?

 

You said: "if i'm willing to move there one day" -

 

IF, and ONE DAY. What is that? If you are going to, what is holding you up? It sounds like your whole life is in CA including a possible great relationship.

 

You also said - I'd like him to show me how much I mean to him and how much he doesn't necessarily NEED me, but WANTS me in his life. If he could show me how much he cares,

 

How can he show you how much you mean to him? How can he show you that he doesn't necessarily need yyou but wants you in his life? Tell me how and I will do this for my ex. I thought I already have...and your man might think he has too...

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