Sad in California Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I am completely desperate for some advice from other ladies and men on how to deal with my situation. Basically my boyfriend and I of almost 4 years decided to break up for three months to see if we were going to get married. I am 27 and I have had to deal with his growing pains since he is a true California boy raised with the mentality of you sow wild oats and don't get married til you have a career and are at least 30. I am an Idaho gal with pretty much the opposite instilled in me. We have gone back and forth with breaks during our relationship always getting back together and always improving our relationship and growing with each break. The understanding grew, we found common ground and he slowly molded himself into a man. Now my problem is I always demand the best of people, no matter who it is, my students or my friends. I put pressure on him to progress in life and always become a better person. This had good and bad effects on our relationship. He felt pressured, but at the same time knew that was what he really wanted to become. So he needed time to figure it out. I was always giving 100% in our relationship, and he was always holding back because he was having such a hard time accepting how he felt. He needed to really see what life was like without me. So we had no contact for 3 months. Recently he came back with a big promise ring and dedication of 100% commitment for the rest of our lives. And promise of wanting to get married as soon as I graduate grad school and start my career (he is starting law school, another challenge we knew we were facing and had to decide if we were gonna make it thru, p.s. I don't want to get married until this time as well.) So anyways, everything is amazing he is giving me 100%, making effort that he never gave. Working so hard to gain my trust back and we have been good...except for the fact that I could sense there was something he was holding back. I just have this intuition and we have this crazy connection to each others thoughts and emotions, I really know this kid. And finally I got it out of him. He had been advised by everyone in his life that I didn't need to know this information and to keep it to himself til judgement day. During our break he dated and took on another girlfriend that he knew from work that was everything I wasn't. SHe just let him be him, no judgement no pressure...and he slept with her. And he realized she wasn't me and I was truly what he wanted. Now during the break I did flirt, I did date, but I had major anxiety of crossing the line of what would betray him if we got back together. In his head he tried really hard to move on from me and go thru the motions of life without me. Needless to say I feel betrayed and don't know if I should stay with him, if I should understand. He didn't cheat on me, but I still feel like he could've discovered this without sex. He says I don't understand guys and sex versus love. And maybe I don't...he said as dirty as it sounds part of this was sowing his wild oats...He did end it with her about a week before we got back together and stopped sleeping with her about 2 weeks before that. I'm angry because he manipulated and planned this all out, and I don't know how to get over all this pain! I really need some advice on how you move on, some techniques? Tips? Tricks? What he could do to help? Anyone had a similar situation and stuck through it? Do I stay with him? I finally had all my dreams come true and only to find out the way he came to that decision was my worst nightmare. I'm a mess and really could use some WISE advice, no angry bitter advice. Thank you... Sad in California Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 I'm a mess and really could use some WISE advice, no angry bitter advice. Thank you... Sad in California Well is all you want the coddling advice? Ok, here it is. Give the poor boy a chance. It can work really it can!!! Now if you really want to know what I think, here it is: dump him. he is a cheater I suspect you don't want any "angry bitter" advice because you already know what you want to do and you don't want to hear anyone tell you to dump him. If that is true, then just work it out with him and don't worry about what anyone says here. Link to post Share on other sites
audrey_1 Posted March 20, 2008 Share Posted March 20, 2008 He had been advised by everyone in his life that I didn't need to know this information and to keep it to himself til judgement day. Really? Everyone in his life knew BUT you? They ADVISED him to keep it from you? Nice. Nope. Don't think I could accept that. He should've told YOU BEFORE everyone else so you could discuss it together, especially if it was just a break with full intent of getting back together. Have you slept with him since then? Get tested. Link to post Share on other sites
shanny Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Did you set ground rules for this break? Did you make it clear that although you were technically not together that sex with another person was out of bounds? I would think that it would be common sense, but this guy obviously thinks differently. In my opinion, he f-ed up. If he cared for you that much he would not have slept with someone else. I would be so infuriated that I couldn't even look at him. Your values and his are obviously very different. Although you love each other, you may want to keep in mind that there are tons of guys out there that share your values. And I agree with Audrey... get tested. Link to post Share on other sites
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