Asked STB-EX-H to Move Out.

[Siciliana]

and, he is giving me a hard time about it. I just want to start my life. I feel like he has sucked the soul out of me and I am trying to find happiness again. I originally was going to give him until the summer, but after his selfish and immature behavior I decided that it was best he go ASAP. I asked him to leave by the end of April.

 

Now, the thing is... I said to him that I thought it would be best if he packed and moved his stuff when the kids weren't around. He said,"That is sneaky." I didn't agree and said that I thought it would be less traumatic on them. I can see it now, "Daddy what are you doing? Why you putting your stuff in the box? Are you coming back?" Blah, blah, blah. When I told him that I didn't want them to SEE him moving, he said "Who gave you that idea?" like I don't have the capability of logic, or something.

 

He is entirely unwilling to talk about what is best for the kids or what needs to be done to lessen the impact of divorce on them. He has become an entirely irresponsible parent, IMO. He goes out all the time, comes home all hours of the morning, spends daycare money on partying, doesn't pick his kids up from the sitters when he says he is going to, leaves the oldest one to wander the neighborhood alone after school, etc.

 

I moved here (thousands of miles) away from my family, my friends, my career and everything I knew to be with him. I sold my car, and gave up an entire apartment of furniture for him. His entire family is out here. I have no one but my kids. No really good friends. No family with in an 8 hour drive. And he ended up treating me like ****.

 

The thing is, I was considering talking to his family about his behavior. The only reason they know there is a divorce coming is because I am tired of hiding it. It has been over 2.5 years coming and he has never said one word to them. Infact, he is mad that I told them anything at all. I guess he is like an ostrich and doesn't feel the need to address anything directly. Just hide and it goes away?

 

My question is this...Should I involve his family to get them to help him see that the less drama and the better we are at parenting, the more we are there for them, the more responsible we take for them, the better it will for them? Or, should I just let him do whatever it is he is going to do and focus on my parenting to be the best I can be for them?

 

Why does he have to be so unwilling and hostile about it all? We have been so miserable for so many years, yet he is unwilling to admit that this is the best for everyone's happiness. There has not been one day that has passed in the last 3 years that we have not argued. What kind of life is that for the kids? I have been miserable 100% of the time and so has he. Why does he continue to make it hard when the end is in sight?

 

I can't wait until it is all over. I am going to have a freaking party and call it Jumpin' J's Dynomite Disco Divorce-o-rama 2008.

[melusine71]

Siciliana,

 

As much as I like your style, I just have to ask... are you seeing someone else? Got a good male friend at work, chatting with an ex? I mean, marriage is SO hard. Have you thought about giving marriage counseling a try? Are these your kids WITH him? Or are you guys a blended family? If he's their Dad, even if he sucks, and I know this from experience, kids do better with two parents in house. Everyone is different but all the statistics point to that. I for one, believe that people can change if they want to. Even now. Huh, I'm feeling like a giant sucker for even saying that.

 

That being said, it sounds like he's trying to cause your kids pain. I'd wait until the next time he was gone for 8 hours or so and get a POD and just fill it up. When he got home, voila, all his **** would be gone and no messiness. No matter what, take the high road. That is so much easier said than done but it has ginormous payoffs in custody disputes, etc.

 

I spilled my guts to my H's family. Just because he's such a sneaky deceptive person. He HATES it that I did that. but hey, I knew them for a LONG time, they are still my kid's grandparents and I figured if they (naturally) took his side and defended him that at least they would know what a scumbag loser he is. They were very kind and sad about everything but after his last long visit with them things have been much more chilly. And you know what? I don't care. It's just like him, deal with my kids, deal with me.

 

People I respect a great deal advised me not to do it. It just makes you look a bit nutty and sour grapes. When I did tell them all about his shenanigans, I didn't care though. I was bitter and crazy and wild with grief. If you're looking for their support, HE is their son and while they may despise his behavior, they love him.

 

Please know I am not judging you, but I am just a little bit curious as to why you want to chuck him out so fast. I just did a 180 on my stbxh too and he is MAD at me but this our drama has been dragging on for er, almost a year now. This after still being supplicant, trying to "make him see" you know for way too long. I'm a little worried he's going to retaliate but at least I know him well enough to know that he's a lazy bastard who embraces misery like a long lost friend and that it would all probably be too much trouble for him.

 

Anyway, your situation sounds very painful and I wish the best for you and your kids.

Edited March 21, 2008 by melusine71

[Siciliana]

Mel,

 

He doesn't believe in counseling, and even if he did, he has been such a miserable prick to me for the last 4 years that I have absolutely no desire to be with him any more. We are a blended family and we have a child together.

 

I do not think that his lack of responsibility, and our daily arguments are good for the kids. I know that they suffer because we hate each other. And, I do, at times, hate him. And, I can see by the way he treats me, he hates me too.

 

I don't think that those statistics are all that correct. The kids will not flourish in this environment. I think that once he moves out and gets over his ego we might be able to be amicable and friendly in a considerably more productive manner as parents.

 

There is no one at work, there is no ex, I am not seeing someone else. I am not trying to "chuck him out so fast". This has been a long time coming. We have been discussing divorce for years. My STBEX and I have not kissed in over 4 years. The marriage is dead and has been a LONG time. I am done living a lie. And, I just want to be happy and have his lazy, selfish @ss out of my immediate living area. I, simply, cannot take it any more.

 

I don't need him financially. At this point, he is more of an liability, than an asset. Everything is mine, the house, the cars, everything.... he has nothing, really, not even good credit.

 

I like the POD idea! That is the goods, sister!

 

Thank you for the well wishing.