Question from the OW

[DrIndigo]

You know your husband had an affair with me and you know he is seeing me while you are separated. You see me in public. As strange as it probably seems that I would care about this, I do - I want to handle the situation in the way that is most considerate toward you. What do you want me to do? I know it seems absurd I would ever care about not inflicting more pain on you, but I do. And short of no longer seeing the guy I'm love with, I'd go to great lengths to avoid causing you additional discomfort and pain. But we live in the same city and things like this may happen. So really, do you want me to acknowledge you, say I'm sorry, pretend I don't see you, turn and walk out?

[Crestfallen_KH]

Wow, what a great question. I can absolutly believe you are sincere about this.

 

I've pretty much moved on, but if I ran into the woman my husband left me for, I would most want her to give me a SMALL smile and say nothing. If you have to say something, just "hello" would be fine. Be cordial, but not overly friendly. Additionally, don't grab his hand, arm, or play kissy face in front of the wife. At this point, I would just say hello back, and move on.

 

If you smile too big, try to engage her in conversation, act overly friendly, grab his arm and pull him to you, or say you're sorry, that would hurt. All of those things would also show the wife that you see her as a threat and would make YOU look jealous. Months ago, if this situation had happend to me, I would have then gone to my car and laughed at how silly you looked.

 

Also, if the wife in your situation starts yelling, fuming, or creates a public scene, don't respond. Just maintain your composure and don't engage. Her beef really would be with her STBXH, not you.

[herenow]

I assume you are asking random BW and not the one in your situation. So, I will try to answer.

 

You should know that I will eventually realize that I'm better off without him. I may be hurt and angry now, but in time, I too will move on. I don't want to be with a man who doesn't love me and if he loves you and would rather be with you, then some day I will understand that.

 

If you see me now, when I'm hurting, the less you say to me the better. I really don't care what you have to say and any attempt at an apology will be very condescending towards me. If we have to speak, please be polite and respectful. If I ask you questions, please tell me the truth. As much as it may hurt me, please don't lie because that will make me feel foolish when I find out the truth. And, I will find out the truth.

 

Also, you may want to think about what your boyfriend will say the first time he sees me having fun with another man. Hopefully he will be happy for me, but you never know.

 

Some may disagree with me, but this is how I would like to be treated if it were me. I'm not one to make a scene and I would probably do my best to avoid you. Nothing good can come from having a confrontation since he has already chosen you.

 

Now, when he comments on how much better I look and how much happier I seem now that he isn't with me, please don't get upset with him, he is just speaking the truth.

 

Obviously I am using "I" as a random BW, not myself.

Edited March 21, 2008 by herenow

[DrIndigo]

Thank you both for your answers. I was asking anyone willing to tell me what their preference would be. I was nervous posting the question on this thread, and I really appreciate the kind responses.

[Lizzie60]

You know your husband had an affair with me and you know he is seeing me while you are separated. You see me in public. As strange as it probably seems that I would care about this, I do - I want to handle the situation in the way that is most considerate toward you. What do you want me to do? I know it seems absurd I would ever care about not inflicting more pain on you, but I do. And short of no longer seeing the guy I'm love with, I'd go to great lengths to avoid causing you additional discomfort and pain. But we live in the same city and things like this may happen. So really, do you want me to acknowledge you, say I'm sorry, pretend I don't see you, turn and walk out?

 

So you had an affair while the couple was separated... (for me this is not cheating, they both could do what they wanted) anyway... and you see the W in a social event.. you want to know how to handle the situation?...

 

If I was the W.. and you no longer would see my husband I would like you to come and talk to me.. apologize or something... that would ease the pain she has I suppose and make her more comfortable that you're not seeing him anymore..

[Ladyjane14]

If it was me... nothing but spontaneous human combustion on her part would truly satisfy me.

 

So, until the betrayed wife figures out that she's better off without having a lying, cheating, sneak in her daily life, nothing you do will make a marked difference. That is, unless you're willing to burst into flame upon eye contact, and I'm assuming you're not.

 

She'll hate you if you smile. She'll hate you if you don't. She'll hate you whether or not you offer some tepid apology. She'll hate you if you ignore her. She'll hate you if you acknowledge her. She'll hate you... until she's damn good and ready to stop... which might be never.

 

The possibility... even probability, of making an eternal enemy is the 'price of admission' when it comes to adultery. It goes with the territory.

[Owl]

Just before the end of my wife's EA with OM...I explained to her what the overall "consequences" of her were/would be.

 

Among those, I included the stipulation that her and I would likely never be together for any of our kid's "life events". Because she'd want to bring him (OM) with her to those...and if he and I were ever together in the same room, one of us was going to jail...and the other to the morgue.

 

I was completely serious...and she knew that for a fact, because I do NOT make any kind of idle threats.

 

Even today, if he showed up on my doorstep four years later, given how good things are between my wife and I now...if I opened the door and he was standing there in front of me, he'd get the "Kzinti-challenge". Because I would never let him threaten what we've got again...ever.

 

I hold no kind of animosity towards the poster here, or any of the OM/OW on this board. None of you has personally wronged me in any fashion. HE, however, is an entirely different case, and would be treated as such.

 

My advice would be to move away with your MM...so that you don't have to face this kind of situation. Other than that, its going to be dependent entirely on YOUR BS's personality and strength.

[Crestfallen_KH]

LJ and Owl have very good points.

 

A lot of it really will depend on where the BS is in her healing process. You may never been able to do anything that won't make her want to rip your lungs out, even if she's thanking her lucky stars she is no longer with her loser of a husband.

 

Since you can't have any insight into her healing process, you can't every really know. Plus, all women are different. But I still think the "less is better" route is really the way to go here if you absolutely do run into her. How she chooses to respond will simply be something you can't control, or know.

[45Reverse]

You know your husband had an affair with me and you know he is seeing me while you are separated. You see me in public. As strange as it probably seems that I would care about this, I do - I want to handle the situation in the way that is most considerate toward you. What do you want me to do? I know it seems absurd I would ever care about not inflicting more pain on you, but I do. And short of no longer seeing the guy I'm love with, I'd go to great lengths to avoid causing you additional discomfort and pain. But we live in the same city and things like this may happen. So really, do you want me to acknowledge you, say I'm sorry, pretend I don't see you, turn and walk out?

 

Personally, I would walk right up to you and kick your ass. (If I was a girl...but I'm not and I don't hit chicks so you lucked out)...But if you were a guy asking that question I'm pretty sure the only correct answer would be to take your beating like a man and shut the hell up....because that's what you deserve.

[guy.lepage]

I am currently in a fight with my GF. Not sure whether the OM is indeed the OM. But if this situation ever happened to me, I would prefer that the OM simply ignores me and I would do the same.

 

I also noticed a lot of angry responses. If my girlfriend ever cheated on me, I would be mad at her, not the other guy. Flirting is a mutual thing as otherwise it would be called harassment. If my girlfriend does not have enough respect for me then I really can't blame the OM.

 

Hope it helps.

[herenow]

Personally, I would walk right up to you and kick your ass. (If I was a girl...but I'm not and I don't hit chicks so you lucked out)...But if you were a guy asking that question I'm pretty sure the only correct answer would be to take your beating like a man and shut the hell up....because that's what you deserve.

 

Hey 45, I get where you're coming from, but don't you think if they are together then the BS is better off in the long run? Speaking hypothetically of course since I don't know your situation or even if you have an infidelity situation at all.

 

The way I see it, if someone is cheated on and the cheater leaves for the other person, in time the betrayed will realize that the two of them belong together. The betrayed deserves better than a cheating spouse. I know that it's unrealistic to think that it will happen over night, but I really believe it to be true.

 

Put it this way, if my H had gone to the OW when I kicked him out, the initial pain would have been devastating. But, there is no doubt that when my mind was clear, I would have seriously considered sending the OW a thank you note for my new and happier life.

 

Bottom line, who wants to be with a person that doesn't love them enough to give his or her marriage a true chance of survival. A MM that is separated from his wife and seeing the OW isn't going to do anything to fix his marriage. He may eventually beg his wife to take him back, but as long as he sees the OW, it isn't out of love.

 

So, I say good luck to the cheating MM and his OW, just stay out of the BW's way to happiness.

[herenow]

This reminds me of something that happened last year to a friend of mine. I actually posted about her on LS a while back

 

My friend's H cheated on her with someone he works with. My friend found out and after much soul searching she realized that her and her H needed some time apart. He moved out and soon after started to see the OW outside of work. We live in a small suburb and people saw them together.

 

My friend saw them a play and she was devastated. She avoided them and left the play at intermission. She had gone with another girlfriend who also left with her. There are 6 of us who are very close and we were all worried about her. Then an interesting thing happened. The sight of her H with an OW had an empowering effect on her. Thanks to her, we all started to work out regularly (and we still do), we went to the spa, pampered ourselves and treated ourselves to new tastes and styles. I had been through my ordeal and my friend actually spoke to my H and asked his opinion about what she should do.

 

I have to honestly say that I have never seen my friend look better or feel better about herself in the 17 years I have known her.

 

So, last month guess who comes calling? You guessed it, Her H. He feeds her with lines about how vibrant she looks and how she is the one he loves. Seems that the OW isn't the perfect 10 he said she was. The OW was nothing more than a facade. Beneath the make up and the abundance of sex there was a selfish woman who couldn't keep up with reality. He basically got bored of the OW and wanted the real woman he left behind. Too bad for him, my friend has moved forward and there is nothing he can do to stop her from finding her true love (and it certainly isn't her now exH).

 

Part of me wants to tell DrIndigo to stop worrying about the BW, she will be fine. Also, if this MM that you are now with doesn't do anything about whatever it was about HIM that made him have a affair with you in the first place, chances are pretty good you will be the one in his BW's place in the future.

Edited March 21, 2008 by herenow

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I agree with LadyJane. I wish you would drop dead! You want an honest answer, there it is. What else could she possibly want from you. Or for you? What is it that you want for her??? Happiness, unless it interferes with your desires? I don't imagine it's any less for her but 1000 times multiplied. And yes, HereNow, people never seem to get that they have all the info that they need right infront of them.

 

My office interviewed a woman this week who was saying, "I'm through with my employer, all of my accounts will follow me, so you will get all of their business. Ummm... do you want to hire someone as loyal as that???? It could be you next month or next year, is that what you want. These are the questions I posed as the office discussed bringing her on. Actually any employer interviewing would LOVE this information... she was NOT hired.

 

If you want to be her, continue... you will be in the same position one day!!! THEN you will have the answer to your question! Good Luck, IWWH

[jenniferc1114]

If it was me... nothing but spontaneous human combustion on her part would truly satisfy me.

 

So, until the betrayed wife figures out that she's better off without having a lying, cheating, sneak in her daily life, nothing you do will make a marked difference. That is, unless you're willing to burst into flame upon eye contact, and I'm assuming you're not.

 

She'll hate you if you smile. She'll hate you if you don't. She'll hate you whether or not you offer some tepid apology. She'll hate you if you ignore her. She'll hate you if you acknowledge her. She'll hate you... until she's damn good and ready to stop... which might be never.

 

The possibility... even probability, of making an eternal enemy is the 'price of admission' when it comes to adultery. It goes with the territory.

 

You should turn around and leave when possible, if not less is best.

I had one encounter w/ow at our local WALMART, she did not leave, I had my words, she now knows better.

[OldEurope]

She'll hate you if you smile. She'll hate you if you don't. She'll hate you whether or not you offer some tepid apology. She'll hate you if you ignore her. She'll hate you if you acknowledge her. She'll hate you... until she's damn good and ready to stop... which might be never.

 

The possibility... even probability, of making an eternal enemy is the 'price of admission' when it comes to adultery. It goes with the territory.

 

 

Why the "hate" and the "eternal enemy"? To prove what?

 

If a marriage was so bad that it ended in divorce, that is a matter between the two married partners. No "OW" can break up a strong marriage. With certain exceptions as have been articulated already on this board, most of the time the BS is aware that he or she has had something actively to do with the demise of the marriage. Very often the problems which overcome a marriage can be rectified. When they are not, the marriage itself comes to an end. The presence of an OW or OM is a symptom of what is wrong, but not the cause.

 

This said, in the case where the MM marries the OW, the BS might accept the fact that the spouse has fallen in love and that the first marriage was not meant to endure. Living with hate destroys only the person bearing the hate, and only empowers he or she on its receiving end--i.e. as a form of emotional control. It is a total waste of time and energy.

 

The BS should come to terms with the turn of events, maintain her dignity and establish her own happiness. The "OW" is not her problem.

[LadyDi]

Great post OldEurope. I agree.

[silktricks]

I would want you to show me as much respect as possible.

 

I would not want you to say you're sorry, as you aren't - or you wouldn't be seeing my husband while we are separated.

 

I would not want you to smile, as I would feel (true or not) that you were gloating.

 

I would appreciate it if you didn't touch my husband in my presence. It's difficult enough for me to get my mind around the fact that he's falling in love with someone else, and that he's fallen out of love with me.

 

I would like you to give me the time I need to face the fact that he and I are no longer a couple. That I need to learn to live the rest of my life without him. That I need to deal with the parts of me that need to be mended. That I chose the wrong person to trust my heart with.

 

If I have children, I'd like you to respect the fact that our children still need their father, both his love and his time. I'd like you to respect the fact that I am their Mom and not try to supplant me. I'd like you to show them love and consideration, as they are also going through difficulties.

[Ladyjane14]

The BS should come to terms with the turn of events, maintain her dignity and establish her own happiness. The "OW" is not her problem.

 

The OW doesn't get to make choices for the betrayed spouse. I think I made my opinion on that fairly clear in my post when I said... "She'll hate you... until she's damn good and ready to stop... which might be never."

 

Your statement above, saying what the betrayed wife "should" do... is just a small part of the utter HUBRIS of the garden-variety OW. She thinks she knows what's best or right for another woman and her family. She believes her reasoning is superior; her motives somehow more pure.

 

The bottom line though, is that the betrayed wife is completely free to hate the OW for as long as she wants. It's her choice. As I said earlier... "The possibility... even probability, of making an eternal enemy is the 'price of admission' when it comes to adultery. It goes with the territory."

 

If it was me... I'd be sticking pins in her for the rest of my natural life just for S's and G's. And not necessarily because I was still mad either. Eventually, most women decide they're better off without a guy who can't keep his d*ck in his pants past the point he's out of earshot.

Nope. After a while, I'd just be doing it because I'd have ZERO respect for her, and it would amuse me to snip her nose.

 

Vindictive much? Yeah... but hey, I don't have to answer to anybody but God about that. I sure as hell wouldn't be answering to some OW who took it upon herself to interfere in my life.

[smartgirl]

You have been a part of actions that have seriously wounded this woman. You didn't care, because you got what you were after. She knows this. There is nothing you can say that will make it better.

 

So the best thing you can do is keep your distance, avoid eye contact, do not speak unless spoken to, try to avoid being where you know she will be. Try to be sensitive to the fact that the very sight of you causes her tremendous pain and realize that nothing you can do now will make her feel any better. The most that can be hoped for is to not make her feel worse.

 

My H's OW has insisted on staying at the company, coming to all social functions and making herself the center of attention to the extent she can. She has shown almost no decency or empathy towards me. If she comes close to me and attempts to address me directly, it will be at her peril.

 

I appreciate your sensitivity and desire to avoid further pain to this woman. The best you can do is to not put her in a position to have to react or manage her feelings.

[NoIDidn't]

So you had an affair while the couple was separated... (for me this is not cheating, they both could do what they wanted) anyway... and you see the W in a social event.. you want to know how to handle the situation?...

 

The very first line of the OP says that they had an affair AND that they continue to see each other now that the couple is separated. At least that's how I read it.

 

I consider separated men no different from MM because they are still married until a court declares otherwise and could always go back to that marriage. Even after years.

 

To answer the OP, I would prefer to never see you with my H. I would prefer that my kids not meet you until my D was final, and probably never but I wouldn't be able to control that. No smile, no apology, no nothing. It would all be so insincere considering you are still with him. What is the point of being concerned about me or my feelings when you are going to continue hurting them?

[OldEurope]

 

If it was me... I'd be sticking pins in her for the rest of my natural life just for S's and G's. And not necessarily because I was still mad either. Eventually, most women decide they're better off without a guy who can't keep his d*ck in his pants past the point he's out of earshot.

Nope. After a while, I'd just be doing it because I'd have ZERO respect for her, and it would amuse me to snip her nose.

[/i]

 

If you were to be "sticking pins in her" ( I am assuming some voodoo doll concoction, at the very least, I hope ), and you'd amuse yourself to "snip her nose"... that is truly sad, indeed. That would show how much power the OW had or has over your life. Really, as I said earlier, best to maintain one's dignity, come to terms with the turn of events and go on to better and better with one's life.

 

And in many of these cases, LJ, it is far far more than about a guy not being able to "keep his d*ck in his pants" as so eloquently put above. But that arguement has been covered ad infinitum on other threads...

 

xo

OE

[Owl]

OE...

 

Do you have any concept of the emotional trauma and devestation the BS goes through as a result of the affair?

 

I've suffered PTSD twice in my life. The first was due to combat. The second time was due to the after-affects of my wife's emotional affair. The second was harder to deal with and treat than the first.

 

YOU feel as though the OW "had nothing to do with it".

 

You'll find that the vast majority of BS's out there don't share your opinion. They don't see the OW as an innocent bystander who got sucked into the situation unwittingly. What they see is someone who willingly and knowlingly participated in the destruction of their marriage and the infliction of some of the most severe emotional pain and trauma that they've ever experienced.

 

Unless you're willing to take off your "OW goggles" and view things through the other person's eyes, you're not going to "get it" from that perspective.

 

I've tried to spend some of my time on this forum learning to see things through the "OM/OW and the MM/MW" perspective. I get where you're coming from to a degree, although I cannot agree with the mindset that allows cheating to be OK.

 

You may not feel that what the BS feels is "right", or "fair"...but it is what it is. And its very commonly exactly what LJ and I both have described here.

[twice_shy]

You know your husband had an affair with me and you know he is seeing me while you are separated. You see me in public. As strange as it probably seems that I would care about this, I do - I want to handle the situation in the way that is most considerate toward you. What do you want me to do? I know it seems absurd I would ever care about not inflicting more pain on you, but I do. And short of no longer seeing the guy I'm love with, I'd go to great lengths to avoid causing you additional discomfort and pain. But we live in the same city and things like this may happen. So really, do you want me to acknowledge you, say I'm sorry, pretend I don't see you, turn and walk out?

 

I don't know about the ladies, but if a guy came up to me I'd have to tell him that I don't want a thing to do with him or her and to get the hell out of my face.

[twice_shy]

[/i][/i]

 

 

Why the "hate" and the "eternal enemy"? To prove what?

 

If a marriage was so bad that it ended in divorce, that is a matter between the two married partners. No "OW" can break up a strong marriage. .

 

Oh I beg to differ. I have seen it too many times where I live. Its a matter of weakness on the cheaters part where I have seen great marriages be destroyed because someone else thought it was ok to interfere.

 

And there are alot of people like that out there that feel that way, like Lizzie.

 

So lets all just go out and help ourselves to other people's spouses and have a merry old time! I just might do that myself. If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em!!

[OldEurope]

Twice-Shy,

In no way do I believe that an "OW" can destroy what you refer to here as "great marriages". What must have appeared "great" was not.

 

Owl,

My main point was that it is a waste of time, energy and the dignity of the BS to be consumed with hate, "sticking pins", wishing another person dead and the like. If the new relationship does not work out, that will be enough of a "satisfaction" I suspect for the BS. IF not, and the new couple remains strong and in love, it is better that the BS accept this with a certain grace.

 

I do not have the mentality that "cheating is okay". This broad brush-stroke of a label should not be applied to those of use who happen to differ on certain points with you.

 

xo

OE