He was a LIAR

[mishy]

Well I have posted on here before about my lover.

 

I broke it off with him on Tuesday. I think he would have broke it off with me anyway eventually.

 

We were fwb for about 5 months. About a month ago he was retrenched (laid off his job). we live in brisbane. He told me that he was offered a temporary job in Melbourne for anywhere between 1 - 4 weeks (about 1500kms from here) ( a cpl hours by plane). So off he went.

 

A week or so later I called him to see how it was going. He told me that the job was going good and it actually might become permanent. I said ok well I guess we wont be seeing each other again and thats sort of strange. he said "well you could come down to melbourne" I was like - yeah ok I will- and i am on holidays at the moment anyway so i said well i could come soon - how would you like that?

 

he said well - yes and no- I have met someone, who i think i could develop something with.

 

Later on i called him back and said that I didnt want him to go, and it was me who had feelings for him (big mistake).

 

A week later (tuesday just gone )I called him and he said he was still in melbourne and that he would be back in 2 weeks and that the permanent job was his if he wanted it and he would most likely be taking the job but he hadnt made up his mind. He told me about the job in a bit of detail.

 

Just to fill you in - we met on a dating site. OK, so I went to my friends house that very same day. She is also on the dating site. She was all excited, and as usual, filled me in on who she had been messaging or is going to meet from the site. It was him. She had no idea that it was the guy I had been seeing.

 

He told her on instant message chat (which automatically saved to the computer and i read it with my own eyes) that he had

 

Lost his job 4 weeks earlier (which is what he told me)

 

He has been on holidays ever since here in brisbane (told me working in melb)

 

He has been gardening and painting and looking for a new job and is in the final 3 of a pool of 120 for one job and was going to job interviews (told me he has been offered a permanent job in melbourne)

 

And was available to meet this week (told me he would be gone another 2 weeks)

 

he also told me that he had gone for an std test about 6 weeks ago,(because I asked him to go) but he told her it was November last year that he last went.

 

So im left thinking what is the truth and what is not?

 

I rang him and told him he was a liar and dumped him (didnt tell him how i knew0 i was so mad. I mean if he wanted to break it off, why not just say so rather than make up big lies about his location???

 

I also wonder about what other lies he has said

 

Is he a psychopath?

 

i honestly dont know if he lied on the computer to her, or lied to me. I dumped him anyway, but really i dont know what is the true story. I dont know what to believe, or why he would go to so much trouble.

Edited March 21, 2008 by mishy

[xpaperxcutx]

Glad to hear that you broke it off with him. He was a player and let's leave it at that. You wouldn't have had found happiness with him even he chooses monogamy. It wasn't your fault that he was a scumbag, and a lying two faced pig. You caught him at his game, and you dumped him. You should feel empowered. This one doesn't deserve your time to waste time wallowing over.

[mishy]

Thankyou, I just wanted to post about this to get some objective opinions, because when you dump someone who do later wonder if you overreacted.

 

its friday night here now, and this happened on tuesday, and i have been feeling better everyday about it, but i was really hurt when i found out.

 

After i dumped him i thought - well what if he was lying to my online friend - and telling the truth to me because tons of ppl lie online and maybe he didnt want to tell her he was out of town at the moment because he wanted to keep her interest.

 

And what creeps me out is that how the whole melbourne thing happened- like i rang him and he said yeah packing my bags and leaving tomorrow- and then when he was in melbourne - he told me things like the hotel was bad, and the job was good, and had met some ppl - it was sooo believable- i never doubted he was there.

 

Then he tells my online friend he has been here the past 3 weeks- and tells that story about what he has been doing just as convincingly. So BOTH stories are so convincing its hard to detect the lie.

 

It just freaks me out, and i guess im still processing

[hateyoulover]

i just wish u can recover soon!

[mishy]

When i confronted him on it by phone, he didnt say anything and just hung up.

 

 

I emailed him later ( i sent 2 short emails over the course of 2 days and then a longer one because i was so angry) and just got it all out of my system. I didnt want to call him ,and emailing just let him know how busted he was. Talked about other things he had done in the email.

 

I dont know why i want to know what was the real truth, and apart from that , i just dont understand it - and i dont understand how effortlessly he lied.

[sally4sara]

"I will tell you things you already know so you can say Wow! I really identify with you. Why? CUZ I'M A LIAR!"

-Henry Rollins

[Lyssa]

Thankyou, I just wanted to post about this to get some objective opinions, because when you dump someone who do later wonder if you overreacted.

 

You didn't overreact on this one! You're better off without him. Doesn't matter who he lied to - probably, he lied to you and your friend.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better...

[mishy]

The scary thing is, both stories, the melbourne and brisbane, flowed so easily from his lying mouth.

 

I guess i was thinking, well I am basing the breakup on what he told some person he hasnt even met on the internet- and maybe its the done thing to lie on the internet- maybe he told me the truth about being in melbourne.

 

I havent really dealt with a liar before, and thats why i am struggling with it. Its something ive never really had to worry about with anyone.

 

Its just creeps me out that even from the start, from saying he was packing his bags- it was all a lie. so elaborate. Why not just say "i dont want to see you anymore"

[sandflea]

Why wouldn't he be honest with you? - Because that would take integrity, and he apparently has none.

 

Glad you saw the light. Move on, hold your head high, and keep your eyes open.

[Shindig]

I can certainly understand being disturbed by sociopathic behavior. Some people simply aren't properly socialized.

 

Even though they pass through the first gateway to maturity (dependence - infancy when we rely on others to care for us) and then the second (independence - when we learn to take care of ourselves) they never really make it through the third stage (interdependence - when we learn that a fundamental aspect of life is relating to other people).

 

A big part of interdependence is relationships based in mutual respect and honesty. When we can't respect the views and positions of other parties or relate to one another honestly, relationships break down.

 

It sounds like your guy never really got the fundamentals of interdependence. It's not common but certainly isn't rare. Don't worry too much about it. Take the experience in stride; muse over the horror story with your girlfriends and don't let it jade you.

[mishy]

Yeah thats clear. No integrity

 

but I am still wondering which story was true. I guess he is pathological.

[mishy]

We had a conversation once about what would happen if we broke it off, and he always said that if he wanted to end it he would just tell me.

[mishy]

I can certainly understand being disturbed by sociopathic behavior. Some people simply aren't properly socialized.

 

Even though they pass through the first gateway to maturity (dependence - infancy when we rely on others to care for us) and then the second (independence - when we learn to take care of ourselves) they never really make it through the third stage (interdependence - when we learn that a fundamental aspect of life is relating to other people).

 

A big part of interdependence is relationships based in mutual respect and honesty. When we can't respect the views and positions of other parties or relate to one another honestly, relationships break down.

 

It sounds like your guy never really got the fundamentals of interdependence. It's not common but certainly isn't rare. Don't worry too much about it. Take the experience in stride; muse over the horror story with your girlfriends and don't let it jade you.

 

Yeah he also was fairly self interested, and quite cocky, and a workaholic, and didnt show much interest in other ppl, me for one.

 

His IQ is 180 and maybe he was separated a bit at school as he did harder work

[mishy]

I can certainly understand being disturbed by sociopathic behavior.

 

 

I did do a bit of psych at uni, but is this what you would call sociopathic behaviour?

 

Sorry , i just have an innate need to understand things before i can move on when something like this happens

[Shindig]

Mishy, I'm worried you're getting caught up in the details of the thing and not seeing the forest for the trees. The bottom line is that he is bad news. Which of his stories were true and which were lies is far from top ten in terms of important questions to ask about this experience. I doubt learning when he was lying will teach you anything useful about future relationships.

 

You've jumped ship which was the right thing to do given his behavior. Let it go, don't dwell on the details... it could drive you nuts. Eat some chocolate instead

[Lyssa]

We had a conversation once about what would happen if we broke it off, and he always said that if he wanted to end it he would just tell me.

 

I don't think a lot of men or women stick to that. They'd probably say they would let you know but they rarely do. Sometimes they wait for you to say something first - it has happened before.

[xpaperxcutx]

Stop emailing him. You should not have to explain why you dumped him. You're making it obvious that you're still thinking of him and giving an open door to get back on your good side. Does it matter if he lied to you or your friend? It only mattered that he lied in the first place and that's enough to justify that he's not a perfect person for you.

[mishy]

Mishy, I'm worried you're getting caught up in the details of the thing and not seeing the forest for the trees. The bottom line is that he is bad news. Which of his stories were true and which were lies is far from top ten in terms of important questions to ask about this experience. I doubt learning when he was lying will teach you anything useful about future relationships.

 

You've jumped ship which was the right thing to do given his behavior. Let it go, don't dwell on the details... it could drive you nuts. Eat some chocolate instead

 

 

I can see that now, that i was geting caught up in th details, but I was just in shock.

 

Yeah I jumped ship and now its starting to feel good

[Star Gazer]

We were fwb for about 5 months.

 

I don't want to incite an argument here. While I agree that his dishonesty was lame, given the nature of your relationship, did you actually expect him to be forthright with you? What obligations does he have to you other than the sexual benefits he provides?

[mishy]

Stop emailing him. You should not have to explain why you dumped him. You're making it obvious that you're still thinking of him and giving an open door to get back on your good side. Does it matter if he lied to you or your friend? It only mattered that he lied in the first place and that's enough to justify that he's not a perfect person for you.

 

I sent the last email the day after it happened, so that was 4 days ago. Theres no way he would think he could get back on my good side because in the email i told him i never wanted to see or talk to him again.

 

Besides that, the reason he lied about being here and telling me he was in melbourne was because obviously he didnt want to see me and wanted to break it off. I dont know why anyone would go so far as to say they werent even in the same town just to avoid you, but thats what he did. I was hurt about that at first, but now I just think its just weird.

[mishy]

I don't want to incite an argument here. While I agree that his dishonesty was lame, given the nature of your relationship, did you actually expect him to be forthright with you? What obligations does he have to you other than the sexual benefits he provides?

 

Yes I do. We were seeing each other for 5 months, he wasnt a one night stand. i think that even in a fwb there has to be trust.

 

I know exactly what you are saying, but I just feel that his kind of lying indicates some kind of personality disorder. There were other lies. And I dont know what else he had lied to me about.

 

For all i know, he could have been married, and i wouldnt have had an fwb with anyone married. I dont think he was, but the thing for me is that I find the lying scary, and I ended up feeling like I didnt know who he was. And I wouldnt WANT to have sex with someone i felt like that about. So itsnot about what he does or does not owe me within the boundaries of a fwb relationship, its about how i FEEL towards someone who lies. Any person.

[mistie03]

Yes I do. We were seeing each other for 5 months, he wasnt a one night stand. i think that even in a fwb there has to be trust.

 

I know exactly what you are saying, but I just feel that his kind of lying indicates some kind of personality disorder. There were other lies. And I dont know what else he had lied to me about.

 

For all i know, he could have been married, and i wouldnt have had an fwb with anyone married. I dont think he was, but the thing for me is that I find the lying scary, and I ended up feeling like I didnt know who he was. And I wouldnt WANT to have sex with someone i felt like that about. So itsnot about what he does or does not owe me within the boundaries of a fwb relationship, its about how i FEEL towards someone who lies. Any person.

He definitely doesn't have a conscience. To tell the lies that he has, a person couldn't. He may be a pathological liar, player or narcissist. Who knows? Be glad you got out now and not a few years down the road. I don't think you will ever get the real story with this guy. He would probably lie when the truth would sound better. I have been with a liar before. His stories never did add up. There was no way to prove that what he was saying was a lie, it was just that so much of what he said didn't make sense. And, all of the things that didn't make sense revolved around him disappearing or being out of town.

 

I read this on another website and wrote it down:

 

Rules of 3s

 

Make the Rule of 3s your personal policy.

 

One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. But 3 lies says that you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.

 

Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.

 

Don't give your money, work, secrets, or affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You wonder why he didn't just break up with you? I think that it is because he didn't want to let you go. He may be carrying on multiple relationships at the same time. Just because he is seeing someone else, doesn't mean that he wants to stop seeing you. That's just my opinion, but I think that the guy I just broke up with had some kind of double life. Whoever the other person(s) are, they've got him all to themselves now.

[mishy]

Thanks for telling me about that. Now that I know that he is a liar, other things he has said are coming to my mind. For example when I first met him in Octovber 07 he told me his last std test was DEC 06. Then about 6 wks ago or so later I asked him again (maybe i had an feeling he was a liar) he said it was FEB 07. When i said that last time I asked him he said DEC 06, he said well "i dont know when it was exactly. Then when my friend asked him over the internet he said his last test was NOV 07 AND THAT HE EVEN HAD THE PAPERS TO PROVE IT.

 

This means that if she had met him then he would have faked the papers. He said "Yes I have the report from pathology" He has no report at all.

 

I had asked him to take a test 6 weeks ago and he told me he did. When he said over the internet that his last test was Nov 07 he also said he always has safe sex and is not interested in being tested at the moment.

 

So he lied to me about getting the test 6 weeks ago.

 

he used to be a nurse and a HIV counsellor and i think he thinks he is above it all.

Edited March 21, 2008 by mishy

[Shindig]

You already know he's a liar... GET TESTED! DO NOT TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT! If you have chlamydia or gonorrhea you could lose your fertility and not even know you're sick.

[mishy]

Yes i was tested