My boyfriend wants some freedom...

[Maggie]

My boyfriend of 6 months has just recently informed me that he would like to take a break so he can get back some of the freedom he feels he has lost being in a relationship. So we are going to take some time apart. Up until now we have been getting along fine and planning things together (I just met his family last week). This seems unusual to me, but I won't argue with him if that's the way he feels.

 

My question is, do you think he's pulling the "rubber band" theory (Mars and Venus) or is this his nice way of breaking up without being mean?

[Shirley]

My boyfriend of 6 months has just recently informed me that he would like to take a break so he can get back some of the freedom he feels he has lost being in a relationship. So we are going to take some time apart. Up until now we have been getting along fine and planning things together (I just met his family last week). This seems unusual to me, but I won't argue with him if that's the way he feels. My question is, do you think he's pulling the "rubber band" theory (Mars and Venus) or is this his nice way of breaking up without being mean?

Hi!

 

It all depends on what he means by wanting freedom. That term alone is pretty vague. A lot of men get very nervous about getting too close to one woman and making a commitment. The idea of only being able to have sex with woman for the rest of their life scares them. They like to go out and have fun. And it doesn't always have to involve sex, but they need to feel like they're wanted. Maybe he doesn't feel like there is as much fun in your relationship anymore, or maybe he feels like there should be a little more excitement. Don't try to stop him if that's what he wants to do. You really don't want a long-term relationship with a man who needs to validate his worth by being free to do what he wants. If he loves you, he will realize it on his own, and he will never think of it as being tied down.

[Totally Confused]

Well, the rubber band theory is what it sounds like to me. You two are at the 6 month stage and most relationships work in stages.

 

Some questions you'll need to ask yourself to make sure it's the rubber band stage is...

 

1. Have you asked him recently if he loves you or asked him how strong his feelings are? (this is pressure for him)

 

2. Did you ask him where he wants or is hoping this relationship will go? (pressure too)

 

3. Are you assuming or demanding that he spend all this time with you or is it a mutual thing?

 

The one thing about any relationship, especially with a guy who likes his independence, is you need space. Space and breathing room, so you can learn to appreciate and miss each other. Remember spend quality time, not quantity of time.

 

He let you meet his family, which is a pretty big deal for a guy. A guy won't introduce you to family or friends, until he starts to get serious about you. Also remember, a guy is very much influenced by his family and friends, so try to find out from him, what his family thought of you. If they spoke negatively, he's pulling away, until he realizes that his family's opinion doesn't matter, it's what he feels (he'll realize that when he starts to miss you). If it was possitive feedback from his family, they may have said, "Oh is she the one, she's perfect for you" and that also may have freaked him out - THE PRESSURE. Of course, it may not even be the family at all, and it's just that he felt you'd become an even more serious part of his life (after you met the family)and that was enough to scare him.

 

Anyway, the point is this guy isn't slowing things down with you cause he feels smothered or trapped, which is why it sounds like the rubber band theory. He didn't tell you he wants to slow things down to see other people, which is a very good sign. If any guy or girl ever tells a boyfriend/girlfriend that they want to see other people, it's because they already are.

 

Now what you have to do is make him miss you and realize how much he wants to be with you. It will probably take about 1 month or 2 - if you do it right. By doing it right, you're going to have to leave him totally alone. Don't even call him once, unless you're returning his call. Even if you are going to crawl up the walls and you feel like he's gone for good, don't call him. If you do, you'll end up pushing him further away, maybe even eventually for good. Remember, 1 week to you will feel like a year, and to him, 1 week will feel like 1 day - I know... it's frustrating.

 

Since you two are still seeing each other, he may actually want to get together real soon. It's your job to prevent it from going back to the way it was (spending too much time together)or he will start to pull away again. When he wants to get together on a Sat. night, tell him, you'd absolutely love to, but you already have plans with your girlfriends (whether you do or not), this will make you more attractive to him and he'll start to think, wow this girl has a life and it doesn't revolve around me. By doing this, you will also be taking pressure off of him and he'll start feeling more comfortable with you again.

 

It sounds like things will be fine. Just give him space and time and realize that you two are separate individuals who need breathing room so that you won't lose your identities.

 

I hope everything works out with you two and invite me to the wedding.

[bob]

how you doing?

My boyfriend of 6 months has just recently informed me that he would like to take a break so he can get back some of the freedom he feels he has lost being in a relationship. So we are going to take some time apart. Up until now we have been getting along fine and planning things together (I just met his family last week). This seems unusual to me, but I won't argue with him if that's the way he feels. My question is, do you think he's pulling the "rubber band" theory (Mars and Venus) or is this his nice way of breaking up without being mean?