Lizzie60 Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 My young MM came to visit twice this week.. there was no sex... I thought it was over.. we talked about it.. he feels sooo bad, he wants to stop but said he can't... He just left.. he stayed most of the afternoon, we had pizza... it was fun.. he was 'goofy', we talked... no sex... we just enjoy each other's company.. It's hard.. I am not in love with him but I just can't tell him it's over for good... yet. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 It's hard.. I am not in love with him but I just can't tell him it's over for good... yet. You know I ya, but ... Tough here... Bull. I think you have feelings for him, more than you're letting on OR you're just so used to having him lust after you and shower you with attention the thought of not having him around bothers you more than you let on. The thing is, you ARE aware that he has feelings for you, is attracted to you, that his girlfriend knows about you, is upset by that and she is pregnant with their child...It's unfair of you to keep the A going. Sure, no sex now, but eventually you'll give in to him.. Spending time with him only leads HIM on. IF he isn't thinking clearly, you be the strong one and end it completely. If he happens to find another OW, then so be it, just don't be HIS OW. Or does it upset/bother you that he might find another OW if you do end it with him? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Lizzie, It's always difficult to deliver bad news to a lover, or someone you care for. That's not weakness, it's compassion. You will get it done. Don't beat yourself up for not taking the role of relationship assassin lightly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 You know I ya, but ... Tough here... Bull. I think you have feelings for him, more than you're letting on OR you're just so used to having him lust after you and shower you with attention the thought of not having him around bothers you more than you let on. The thing is, you ARE aware that he has feelings for you, is attracted to you, that his girlfriend knows about you, is upset by that and she is pregnant with their child...It's unfair of you to keep the A going. Sure, no sex now, but eventually you'll give in to him.. Spending time with him only leads HIM on. IF he isn't thinking clearly, you be the strong one and end it completely. If he happens to find another OW, then so be it, just don't be HIS OW. Or does it upset/bother you that he might find another OW if you do end it with him? No.. I'm absolutely certain about my feelings for him... I just have the feeling I can control him.. it's weird.. I don't want him to have someone else.. not that I would be hurt.. it's just that I know I can control him.. I know I can talk him out about having sex.. I can make him feel guilty and he won't touch me.. it's a strange relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 You cannot control him Lizzie. Yeah it sounds like a weird relationship. One that has you on abit of an ego rush. You love that he adores you, you want HIS focus on you, not on his girlfriend or any other OW. This guy is about to have a child with his girlfriend... Why play games and make him feel guilty? That just seems very odd to me. Anyway, you're going to do what you're going to do..Just be prepared one day to have a very pregnant and angry woman knocking on your door.. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Odd that you would say that you can control him, when you referred to yourself as weak. Perhaps you don't have as much control as you think. Just be prepared one day to have a very pregnant and angry woman knocking on your door.. Not to mention a very shocked one. She will be like... "You f*cked a woman HOW OLD?" No offense, Liz - but you are considerably older than he is. It reminds me of those "my boyfriend cheated with a pensioner" threads we used to get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 Odd that you would say that you can control him, when you referred to yourself as weak. Perhaps you don't have as much control as you think. Not to mention a very shocked one. She will be like... "You f*cked a woman HOW OLD?" No offense, Liz - but you are considerably older than he is. It reminds me of those "my boyfriend cheated with a pensioner" threads we used to get. hahaha yeah.. I am sure she would be shocked if she knew my age.. but I think she knows already. She found out about me.. she drove by a few times.. she knows where I live.. but she never saw me. I saw her.. I saw pictures.. she's cute. I'm sure he told her 'oh she's just an older lady I've done work for'... but then she said 'why did you phone her a few times in the middle of the night'. She caught him every time he had affairs.. he's been cheating on her for 5 of the 6 years they've been together. He will never stop and he knows that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I don't think he wants to stop - he's been cheating for 5 - 6 years, right? I don't know if you have written it somewhere on other threads but why won't he leave his GF? Earlier, I mean - before she got preggers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 I don't think he wants to stop - he's been cheating for 5 - 6 years, right? I don't know if you have written it somewhere on other threads but why won't he leave his GF? Earlier, I mean - before she got preggers. I know.. I asked him this question many times... He said he loves her... but he can't settle down with just one woman. She wanted a baby.. she convinced him.. it was planned. He didn't told me before she was 4 months pregnant. I'm sure he does love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 His gf is pregnant and you're still in an affair with him, or were when you knew she was pregnant? Let him be, please. I see you are trying, which is good, but do you want to be in my shoes? My shoelaces are so tangled up, I can't even get out of my shoes anymore. Just a gf or a wife, fine, but a child at home or baby in the oven, that's a no no for me. Red lite...stop right there. Get out of those shoes. Wish I knew for sure before I ended up in these shoes that weren't meant for walking... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I know.. I asked him this question many times... He said he loves her... but he can't settle down with just one woman. She wanted a baby.. she convinced him.. it was planned. He didn't told me before she was 4 months pregnant. I'm sure he does love her. I feel for her. Have you asked him if it was fair for her that he goes around cheating over and over again? I reckon if you ended it completely, he'd still go out galavanting with other women? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I reckon if you ended it completely, he'd still go out galavanting with other women? I think that is what Lizzie doesn't want. Him going off to another OW. If he is going to cheat, it might as well be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 I think that is what Lizzie doesn't want. Him going off to another OW. If he is going to cheat, it might as well be with her. Yes I feel that, at least with me, she's safe.. he won't leave her. He knows I'm not in love with him and that I would never hurt him or try to come between them... I know it doesn't make it right but at least I am not a threat for their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Then why doesn't he come clean and be honest with her? That you are his safety net, that you have no intention of keeping him from her. Maybe suggest that to him IF you plan on staying with him. She knows he's cheating on her, and still staying. They're having a baby yet he's sneaking off to be with you. He needs to tell her the truth and have an open relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Lizzie, I'm with WWIU on this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 Then why doesn't he come clean and be honest with her? That you are his safety net, that you have no intention of keeping him from her. Maybe suggest that to him IF you plan on staying with him. She knows he's cheating on her, and still staying. They're having a baby yet he's sneaking off to be with you. He needs to tell her the truth and have an open relationship with her. I wouldn't mind if he'd tell her.. but I know he never will... She would freak out and he knows this. She is extremely jealous... she constantly checks his phone bills.. she smells him.. she constantly nags him about where he's been, etc.. I know he doesn't want to hurt her.. he's constantly saying how stupid he is... etc.. that he shoudn't be doing this.. when I say 'you're right, you are an idiot and you shouldn't be doing this' ... he blushes and says 'I know but I don't want to talk about it'. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 She knows and yet she chooses to stay and he will continue to cheat no matter what so I really don't know how you can save him... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I know he doesn't want to hurt her.. Then he needs to grow the F up and put her first. He is about to have a child so he better quit his cheating behaviour or come clean about it. HE is going to be a role model to his son/daughter. The sooner he can BE a responsible MAN, the better off they all will be. If he felt he couldn't stay faithful ever he shouldn't be having kids, let alone a closed relationship. His option is now to tell her and not make her crazy. This way SHE has a choice in whether or not she wants to be in an open relationship with him or walk away. Problem is HE IS LYING TO HER and that is so unfair and cruel of him to do to her especially since she is carrying his child. I wish you would just think of that aspect of it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyx Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Lizzie you mention being able to control him - you can use that 'control' to support and help him. If he respects what you have to say, then maybe you owe it to him to help him make a decision. If you care about him, even if you don't love him, help him through this in order that he doesn't feel regret or guilt later. You know the unborn child is a part of him, perhaps you can make him see how important that will be, maybe not now, but sometime soon. You can't be there as his lover if he chooses to be monogamous with his gf, but you can be there as his friend if and when he needs it. The latter is takes more effort if you're prepared to give him the option? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 Then he needs to grow the F up and put her first. He is about to have a child so he better quit his cheating behaviour or come clean about it. HE is going to be a role model to his son/daughter. The sooner he can BE a responsible MAN, the better off they all will be. If he felt he couldn't stay faithful ever he shouldn't be having kids, let alone a closed relationship. His option is now to tell her and not make her crazy. This way SHE has a choice in whether or not she wants to be in an open relationship with him or walk away. Problem is HE IS LYING TO HER and that is so unfair and cruel of him to do to her especially since she is carrying his child. I wish you would just think of that aspect of it.. Problem is, she always found out, every time, and on many occasions, he told her they would be better off without each other.. she screamed, told him she would kill herself.. even banged her head on the wall, until she bled... he freaked out. Since they've been living together, a year and a half now.. one night he threw her out.. her stuff and all... said he didn't want her anymore, blablabla.. she took all her stuff back in the house.. she refused to leave... She told him she would never leave. He told me about it.. said he didn't know what to do.. because she refused to leave and she again told him she would kill herself. I told him she was manipulating him.. but he is convinced she will do it. Then he says that some times he wants her to leave, then he wants her to stay.. it's been a rollercoaster since day one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 Lizzie you mention being able to control him - you can use that 'control' to support and help him. If he respects what you have to say, then maybe you owe it to him to help him make a decision. If you care about him, even if you don't love him, help him through this in order that he doesn't feel regret or guilt later. You know the unborn child is a part of him, perhaps you can make him see how important that will be, maybe not now, but sometime soon. You can't be there as his lover if he chooses to be monogamous with his gf, but you can be there as his friend if and when he needs it. The latter is takes more effort if you're prepared to give him the option? Well.. since he told me he would be a father... we've only hung out together, no sex.. I know I can help him.. I give him advices, etc... He knows how much I love kids.. So far, so good.. he came to visit twice this week.. we only talk and have a drink. Today, when he left, he gave me a big hug and said he enjoyed being with me... He likes to talk with me about everything... I think this is one side that he doesn't get with her (she's only 23)... the experience of a woman who has been through a lot... Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I wouldn't mind if he'd tell her.. but I know he never will... She would freak out and he knows this. She is extremely jealous... she constantly checks his phone bills.. she smells him.. she constantly nags him about where he's been, etc.. I know he doesn't want to hurt her.. he's constantly saying how stupid he is... etc.. that he shoudn't be doing this.. when I say 'you're right, you are an idiot and you shouldn't be doing this' ... he blushes and says 'I know but I don't want to talk about it'. I don't think he or you (hell even she at this point) know if she is an extremely jealous person by nature. She has every reason to be on edge, suspicious, and nervous about his interaction with other women. He IS a cheat after all. She might not be this way if she were with man who was in to monogamy. I don't tell folks they are wrong for living a casual sex lifestyle because I simply don't think it is a wrong way to be. What is wrong is being that way while in a relationship with someone who isn't that way. He can be anyway he wants, but he shouldn't go and dupe someone who wants monogamy into a relationship with him. If he really loved her, he would let her go. For this reason, I feel you are wrong to support his efforts or contribute to the con he is playing on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I do agree that the OP is being weak, as defined by her thread title. Whatever her reasons for clinging to this guy, whether it's ego, validation, money or maybe even love, this guy is going to be a father. Time to let go and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 this guy is going to be a father. Time to let go and move on. Did anyone ever stop to think: maybe this is the whole problem? Just because men and women become parents, they don't cease to be people, people with desires and needs... Maybe he's so afraid of what you guys all accept...He's going to be a father so put up with crazy, manipulative chick who bangs her head against the wall until she bleeds?! And this is just the beginning? Holy cow...She needs a shrink ASAP... Lizzie, I don't see why her having a baby is your problem anyway...It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong...Their R is between them, you're not part of it... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Did anyone ever stop to think: maybe this is the whole problem? Just because men and women become parents, they don't cease to be people, people with desires and needs... Maybe he's so afraid of what you guys all accept...He's going to be a father so put up with crazy, manipulative chick who bangs her head against the wall until she bleeds?! And this is just the beginning? Holy cow...She needs a shrink ASAP... Lizzie, I don't see why her having a baby is your problem anyway...It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong...Their R is between them, you're not part of it... I guess if you feel no responsibility towards potentially affecting a child's life, this will be your attitude. After all, it's not your child, so what does it matter? Link to post Share on other sites
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