torranceshipman Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 I don't get it...how is he/you doing the right thing? He's playing away on the woman who is having his child!! Not flaming you Lizzie! Just curious! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 I don't get it...how is he/you doing the right thing? He's playing away on the woman who is having his child!! Not flaming you Lizzie! Just curious! I'm not necessarily saying we're doing the right thing.. but lately, we've been more like 'best friends' than lovers.. will that last.. I don't know.. so far, I haven't made any 'sexual' moves... it would be too easy... We enjoy each other's company.. he likes to talk to me cause I have lots of experience in many domains.. He is very curious, very smart... a hard worker.. we discovered that we do a lot of things the same way... we love the same type of music.. he loves music from my youth.. he wasn't even born.. It's hard to explain.. all I know is that I am not sure anymore if I want to push him away.. because I know he will find someone else.. but that other person might break his relationship.. he will be a father soon.. I think he is best to stay with her and be good parents.. That's another area I know I can give good advices... (parenting). There is more reasons to keep him than to dump him.. when I really think about it.. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 c'mon Lizzie, you're finding reasons to justify staying with him, cause you can't give him up... it just perpetuates a messed up crappy situation with you still in the picture, and yes, I agree you're right that if it wasnt you, itd be someone else, but that still doesnt make it right. The thing that needs to happen is he needs to respect her, support her through the pregnancy, and think ahead to being a good father for that kid. Can you imagine how lonely she is knowing he's messing around on her when this is the time she needs him most...for her this SUCKS and you could give him the voice of expereince and say at the very least, treat her like she's special through this pregnancy and support her....then if you do that, it'll impress me....if you don't, I'm not communicating with you anymore, etc...that'd be at least a little bit more constructive....or tell him to MAN UP and be there for her... You have a lot to give, why not get out of these crazy situations and have fun with someone single....don't check out on life one day feeling crap for helpin people lie n cheat...you're the older voice of experience... If you didn't like him so damn much you'd tell him where to get off, to stop being a little boy and be a MAN! But we've all been there, keeping someone around who isnt really good for us, cause we like them - no harm in admitting that Lizzie! You deserve someone less crappy tho, as does his girlfriend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 c'mon Lizzie, you're finding reasons to justify staying with him, cause you can't give him up... it just perpetuates a messed up crappy situation with you still in the picture, and yes, I agree you're right that if it wasnt you, itd be someone else, but that still doesnt make it right. The thing that needs to happen is he needs to respect her, support her through the pregnancy, and think ahead to being a good father for that kid. Can you imagine how lonely she is knowing he's messing around on her when this is the time she needs him most...for her this SUCKS and you could give him the voice of expereince and say at the very least, treat her like she's special through this pregnancy and support her....then if you do that, it'll impress me....if you don't, I'm not communicating with you anymore, etc...that'd be at least a little bit more constructive....or tell him to MAN UP and be there for her... You have a lot to give, why not get out of these crazy situations and have fun with someone single....don't check out on life one day feeling crap for helpin people lie n cheat...you're the older voice of experience... If you didn't like him so damn much you'd tell him where to get off, to stop being a little boy and be a MAN! But we've all been there, keeping someone around who isnt really good for us, cause we like them - no harm in admitting that Lizzie! You deserve someone less crappy tho, as does his girlfriend! I know what you're saying.. but we have different opinions. I know he loves her.. he works like crazy to give her everything she wants.. They are 25 and 23.. he bought a beautiful house last year 210,000$.. he has a brand new Dodge Ram.. (I don't like trucks but he does LOL).. he bought her a brand new car (Mazda)... he works his ass off to make her happy... I'm sure he will never stop cheating.. I know for sure he won't.. and she probably knows that too.. since he's been cheating 5 out of the 6 years they've been together... (living together for the last 18 months)... anyway.. and I know he will be a great dad.. Do I want him to leave her .. NO.. and he doesn't feel pressured by me because he knows that... But we've all been there, keeping someone around who isnt really good for us, cause we like them - no harm in admitting that Lizzie! You deserve someone less crappy tho, as does his girlfriend! You are sooo far from the truth here... I don't want anyone in my life.. I cannot settle on one.. I need more.. He also knows about my extra-curricular activities.. he knows everything about me.. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 You know...if he gives her all that, then at least thats good....and maybe he hides it so well from her that she doesnt know he's unfaithful...it's not right but then again its a hell of a lot better than the picture I had of him - leaving her alone at home, miserable....sounds like its not so bad (on the surface) in that house.... Voice of experience tho - you'll be cool and not cause trouble but I bet other women wouldnt be -tell him he will lose everything the day he gets involved with another OW, who falls for the lines, then all hell will break loose when she outs him to the W and he loses it all - he sounds like he cant live without her! - he might listen to you!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 You know...if he gives her all that, then at least thats good....and maybe he hides it so well from her that she doesnt know he's unfaithful...it's not right but then again its a hell of a lot better than the picture I had of him - leaving her alone at home, miserable....sounds like its not so bad (on the surface) in that house.... Voice of experience tho - you'll be cool and not cause trouble but I bet other women wouldnt be -tell him he will lose everything the day he gets involved with another OW, who falls for the lines, then all hell will break loose when she outs him to the W and he loses it all - he sounds like he cant live without her! - he might listen to you!! No .. I will never cause any trouble.. I'm not the 'Springer' type.. lol and he knows that. He can trust me. He is extremely careful and very scared that she finds out because he works so hard for what he has.. he sure doesn't want to lose anything. he would be devastated.. plus he's a workholic (and a bad case) so he would have no time to take care of his kid.. let's say they were separating. He sure can live without her.. she's the one who can't afford to live by herself.. she has a low-paid job.. but that was before he got all this (house, etc.) now I know he wants to keep her so that he keeps everything.. Link to post Share on other sites
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 I also don't understand your purpose for continuing this "friendship". Regardless of whether you are STILL having sex or not is irrelevant. You HAVE slept with him and that's all that matters. You are NOT just a "friend" at this point. I have read many of your other threads and the way you describe your affairs is that it's somehow different for you because YOU don't want these men to leave. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? You are STILL sleeping with MM. You are still basically STILL having an emotional affair with this man because he is STILL spending time with you when he SHOULD be home with his pregnant wife. If you truly wanted what was best for him you would completely END all relations with him and send him on his way. By continuing this you are enabling him to NOT face his issues with his W. You are not a counselor..you are his MISTRESS who he has had sex with. That's my .02 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 Yes but I am Mother Lizza of MMs... I consider myself doing some therapy in many cases.. One MM (I dumped him).. told me I was his psychologist... Link to post Share on other sites
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 I understand you think you are "helping " these men, but I assure you if their wives knew these men were even still talking to you, they wouldn't all of a sudden think it's okay, just because you aren't sleeping with them anymore. once that line is crossed, it's a different ballgame altogther. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 I think for the people who don't "believe" that she injures herself, perhaps a trip to SI is in order...Many BS's "cut" themselves...And injuring oneself is actually not uncommon... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I think for the people who don't "believe" that she injures herself, perhaps a trip to SI is in order...Many BS's "cut" themselves...And injuring oneself is actually not uncommon... Uhm...I don't think that's the part that people were not believing. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 No I don't...I would blame her H...What the heck is wrong with people around here?! Put blame where it belongs....Here we again:rolleyes: So, OW has NO blame in an A w/ a MM? The only time an OW is not to blame for a MM's A is if she didn't know the jerk off was M b/c he either never told her, or he lied to her. If an OW willingly involves herself in an A she is partly to blame too. Lizzie, you are not weak, you just have feelings for the guy and it's hard to let that R end. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Why is this always what it comes down to? It seems that the smartest thing to do is to look for common threads throughout all these stories so that you can safeguard your own R/M... Instead what happens? People come here and just blah, blah, blah their own justification for why their M sucks...and blame it on selfishness... I think it's just as selfish to completely forget your vows to your H and completely ignore his needs...That's why a lot of men cheat...So wouldn't it be smarter to realize it and make an effort? Even if you really don't feel like it? If it makes your M better just by doing that one simple thing? To me it seems like a no-brainer but apparently people just want to get married and that's it.... Why is it that for all that I wrote all you pulled out of it was selfishness? I wrote about more than just a MM situation. Everything you wrote seems to justify a man that cheats. Well, nothing justifies cheating. I am well aware that people cheat for several reasons, but two wrongs still don't make a right. For some reason, I doubt that men are sitting around reading about ways to safeguard their relationships. The OW argument always seems to accuse the W and excuse the H. Is it possible that the H is the one with the unrealistic expectations of his M and doesn't adjust as necessary? This man has a child on the way. Instead of being there emotionally for his pregnant GF (or whatever) he spends his time trying to recapture good feelings with Lizzie. And you try to make it about HIS needs and desires? While I never said anything about him being selfish, please tell me how his actions aren't just that? Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Why is this always what it comes down to? It seems that the smartest thing to do is to look for common threads throughout all these stories so that you can safeguard your own R/M... Instead what happens? People come here and just blah, blah, blah their own justification for why their M sucks...and blame it on selfishness... I think it's just as selfish to completely forget your vows to your H and completely ignore his needs...That's why a lot of men cheat...So wouldn't it be smarter to realize it and make an effort? Even if you really don't feel like it? If it makes your M better just by doing that one simple thing? To me it seems like a no-brainer but apparently people just want to get married and that's it.... So, if a W is being physically and/or verbally abused she is just suppose to suck it up and F@ck her H whenever he feels the need to get laid? Or maybe he is alcoholic and is always away from home getting drunk and leaving the W home to raise their children alone and to take care of the house and finances. Is she suppose to just drop her pants whenever he says he wants a POA? And if she refuses to screw him b/c he is an ********* it's HER fault he has an A b/c she wasn't meeting his needs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 So, if a W is being physically and/or verbally abused she is just suppose to suck it up and F@ck her H whenever he feels the need to get laid? Or maybe he is alcoholic and is always away from home getting drunk and leaving the W home to raise their children alone and to take care of the house and finances. Is she suppose to just drop her pants whenever he says he wants a POA? And if she refuses to screw him b/c he is an ********* it's HER fault he has an A b/c she wasn't meeting his needs? Whoooaaaa... If the W is being physically or verbally abused.. then she has to get out of there.. when we're talking about physical or verbal abuse.. no men/women should allow that... Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Whoooaaaa... If the W is being physically or verbally abused.. then she has to get out of there.. when we're talking about physical or verbal abuse.. no men/women should allow that... You are right Lizzie but many women are scared to leave for several different reasons. Some women just don't realize that there is help for them out there to get out of the bad M. Some women even say they love their H and hope they may change. There is so many reasons why a woman stays in a bad M. I have been to many trainings on this very subject and there were so many reasons they spoke about why a woman does not leave this type of R. There are even men who live in these types of R. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 You are right Lizzie but many women are scared to leave for several different reasons. Some women just don't realize that there is help for them out there to get out of the bad M. Some women even say they love their H and hope they may change. There is so many reasons why a woman stays in a bad M. I have been to many trainings on this very subject and there were so many reasons they spoke about why a woman does not leave this type of R. There are even men who live in these types of R. I agree.. I know it's very complicated.. but we cannot put the physically abused women in the same boat as the ones that are comfortable but are being cheated on. I think it's two different world...IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) I agree.. I know it's very complicated.. but we cannot put the physically abused women in the same boat as the ones that are comfortable but are being cheated on. I think it's two different world...IMO. True Lizzie but is a MM honestly going to tell his OW "I abuse my W so she doesn't put out so I found someone else who will." I'm not saying it's every case but I am sure there is plenty of them. My sister is an example. She put up w/ an abusive H for 8 years. She didn't get a D b/c she was worried about what our parents would think. She didn't want them to know he was abusing her. My dad sold him a semi so he could do that for a living. She was worried if she D him dad would loose all the money he owed my dad. It was A LOT of $. It wasn't until he beat her so bad she was hospitalized. That is when they knew what was going on and told her to get the hell out, they didn't care about the $. If a man is gonna cheat he is gonna cheat regardless if he is getting his needs met at home or not. Some men are just incapable of being faithful to their partners. No W deserves to be cheated on. I know a lot of bitchy W's but I don't think they deserve to be cheated on. If I knew my H was currently cheating his ass would be so out the door. There is no way I would live in a M knowing he had a GF on the side. Edited March 24, 2008 by mopar crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 True Lizzie but is a MM honestly going to tell his OW "I abuse my W so she doesn't put out so I found someone else who will." I'm not saying it's every case but I am sure there is plenty of them. My sister is an example. She put up w/ an abusive H for 8 years. She didn't get a D b/c she was worried about what our parents would think. She didn't want them to know he was abusing her. My dad sold him a semi so he could do that for a living. She was worried if she D him dad would loose all the money he owed my dad. It was A LOT of $. It wasn't until he beat her so bad she was hospitalized. That is when they knew what was going on and told her to get the hell out, they didn't care about the $. If a man is gonna cheat he is gonna cheat regardless if he is getting his needs met at home or not. Some men are just incapable of being faithful to their partners. No W deserves to be cheated on. I know a lot of bitchy W's but I don't think they deserve to be cheated on. If I knew my H was currently cheating his ass would be so out the door. There is no way I would live in a M knowing he had a GF on the side. Many W do not leave even when they know their SO is cheating.. As for my MMs.. I know they are not abusers.. (I know I'm not there but I've always been pretty good in reading people)... I would never ever sleep with an abuser. I detest them. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Many W do not leave even when they know their SO is cheating.. As for my MMs.. I know they are not abusers.. (I know I'm not there but I've always been pretty good in reading people)... I would never ever sleep with an abuser. I detest them. Yea, I know many W's do not leave their H even if they are cheating. They have their reasons for staying in a unfaithful M just as the W that stays in an abusive M. I just couldn't stay in a M where my H was involved w/ another woman. Sometimes the abuse doesn't even happen until years later. A friend of mine is going through a D. She said her H never even raised his voice at her in the five years they were dating. About 3 years after they got M he started yelling at her and treating her badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Whoooaaaa... If the W is being physically or verbally abused.. then she has to get out of there.. when we're talking about physical or verbal abuse.. no men/women should allow that... I'd completely agree...but I'd like to take this one step further. Having seen the trauma that most BS's have endured because their SO cheated on them... Would you consider that his repeated cheating on his wife...and KNOWING the subsequent pain and trauma that she endures as a result...is a form of repetitive (in his case as a serial cheater) EMOTIONAL ABUSE? Think about the message he's sending her everytime he cheats on her? He's thrown her out, he's done this after seeing so emotionally traumatized that she starts physically acting out against herself (the head-banging)...and STILL HE CHEATS. Think about it...he KNOWS he's causing her severe emotional trauma everytime...but he STILL does it. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 I'd completely agree...but I'd like to take this one step further. Having seen the trauma that most BS's have endured because their SO cheated on them... Would you consider that his repeated cheating on his wife...and KNOWING the subsequent pain and trauma that she endures as a result...is a form of repetitive (in his case as a serial cheater) EMOTIONAL ABUSE? Think about the message he's sending her everytime he cheats on her? He's thrown her out, he's done this after seeing so emotionally traumatized that she starts physically acting out against herself (the head-banging)...and STILL HE CHEATS. Think about it...he KNOWS he's causing her severe emotional trauma everytime...but he STILL does it. You are so right Owl!!! He may not be physically abusing her, or verbally abusing her but putting her through the hurt, the pain, b/c he continuingly cheats on her is abuse. I feel sorry for the woman. Her self-esteem must be really low. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 You are right Lizzie but many women are scared to leave for several different reasons. Some women just don't realize that there is help for them out there to get out of the bad M. Some women even say they love their H and hope they may change. There is so many reasons why a woman stays in a bad M. I have been to many trainings on this very subject and there were so many reasons they spoke about why a woman does not leave this type of R. There are even men who live in these types of R. My MM being a case in point. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 Problem is, she always found out, every time, and on many occasions, he told her they would be better off without each other.. she screamed, told him she would kill herself.. even banged her head on the wall, until she bled... he freaked out. People like this are allowed to breed? I guess that explains how someone like George Bush got elected... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 27, 2008 Share Posted March 27, 2008 I'm interested in a response from the OP (Lizzie) on this. She states that her MM are "not abusers"...but this is clearly a sign of emotional abuse when he subjects his wife to the consequences of his affairs repeatedly. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts