And the truth shall set you free.....

[Findingme]

ummmm yeah, what a crazy ride this has been. I've posted several posts about considering divorce from my husband of 18 years. Our 18th anniversary is actually in June but we've been together 18 years.

So the last few years we've had an off and on strained relationship that peaked and exploded with a vengence last week. I've said and done so many stupid things in the last few months that honestly I am surprised he still wants to stick around. I have hit the lowest of lows in the class department for sure!

First there was the emails with my first love, then someone told me the best way to get over 1 is to get another so I started flirting back with a guy at work and we ended up making out, no sex but pretty close. I also write to a family friend in prison, strictly platonic but did talk to him a little about what I've been going through, not what I've done but being unhappy and unsatisfied. During all this hubby has seen me read and post on this site.

So what seems like a month ago but really only a little over a week ago the sh*t hit the fan and seemed to keep hitting it for days! Don't remember what day it was but hubby took my truck into town and when he got home he was LIVID, somehow my friend at work got his cologne in my truck, 4 days later hubby got it on his hand. I still scratch my head at that. He was only in my truck for a very short time just talking, nothing happened. Anyway hubby was livid but I dodged that bullet... didn't last. A day or 2 later hubby found a letter I was writing to the family friend, one I wasn't even planning on sending, just putting things down trying to get perspective. Anyway hubby said maybe we should get divorced, not seperation, just straight to the divorce. I don't know what he expected but not what he got. I was just like ummmm ok. That night at work he didn't look at me or talk to me until he was getting ready to go home.

When I got home that morning we had a long talk and decided to give it 1 more try. That night I talked to my guy at work and told him I couldn't do anything with him, I had to try and make my marriage work. He got a little mad, acted like a spoiled child, wasn't very nice to me for a couple of days. 2 days later I get home and hubby had got on this site and read EVERYTHING I've ever posted, found out about the emails and did a search, found and read those. When I got home he exploded on me. He was so mad his knees were shaking, I've never seen him that mad before. I just said I don't know what you want me to say, deniability wasn't an option because it was all there in black and white. By that time I was beat down mentally, physically and emotionally anyway. I hadn't been sleeping or eating for days, I was just done. I just needed sleep.

Well we talked for hours, told some truths that needed telling. Cried, hugged, and talked some more. I was totally honest about my first love, I told him I've never gotten over him and needed closure so I could live a full life. He doesn't quite understand that but is being patient. I am asking him to do things I am not sure I could do myself. I am going home in July to see this guy and hubby knows this. Not see as in "get together", just see and talk with him without hubby there. Like I told hubby although we talked about it in email I don't think either of us could actually go through with having sex with each other, we both love our spouses too much to do that. I just need to say goodbye to the guy he used to be and just be friends with the guy he is and yes above and beyond anything else he is and will always be my friend. There's been times I wanted to kick his wife's @$$ and tell her to lose some weight and pay attention to her man, her hubby is 1 of the good guys and if she doesn't step up she's gonna lose him because eventually the love won't be enough...... I KNOW.

Anyway since the explosions many things have taken place. Hubby told me I am his world, that even my sweat smells good. Seriously ladies is that the most romantic, sweetest thing you've ever heard? Holy cow, yes it's something little but it meant a LOT to me. He told me he really likes my hair like this, he's been opening my door for me, he took a couple of vacation days on my days off and we spent the entire time together. Today he washed my hair and body, felt so nice, almost like being at a spa. He finally agreed to shave.... I've been telling him for 18 years that I HATE facial hair, for years he's only shaved when he wanted some or a special event, otherwise he looked like a homeless guy. He also knows I LOVE tats on a guy so yesterday he went and got his first tat. And it looks nice and totally sexy. A big lion head on his calf with a tribal band going around his calf. YUMMMMM He also sat down and wrote me a 2 page sexy note... I was like daaaammmmmnnnnn. He's holding my hand and putting his arm around me in public (big thing). So much more.

Things are going better than they have in YEARS! Almost feels like when we were first together. Like there's US again instead of the him and I. He is also going to bid on a job on my shift and with the same days off so we can spend more time together plus save a ton on gas. At first it felt a little suffocating but I am liking it more and more each day. I REALLY hope this stays this way and it doesn't fall right back into the same as it was.

About the guy at work. Well like I said for a couple of days he was mean, ignored me and shot me mean looks or just shook his head at me. I asked him was he prepared to leave his wife? Well I don't plan on leaving my hubby either. He's my friend but I am in no way in love with him or he with me. He said stuff like apparantly it meant more to him than to me yadayadayada. I told him yeah right and to stop being a D*ck to me, I wasn't being that way to him. Then he came up to me and said he was done being mean but now he's going to try to change my mind and he's went full force trying too. I've come to the conclusion he's a serial cheater and I feel sorry for his wife. He said I broke the rules by not completely deleting the emails from my first love. I told him I'd never done this before and didn't realize there were rules to cheating! I mean really who knew?!

So I am trying to get him to back off without losing his friendship because I really do like the guy. The other night he came up to me and said I hope you know that beyond all that other stuff I am your friend and if you need to talk I am here for you, just let me know and I promise not to grope you. I thought that was a sweet thing to say.

Anyway going through all this really SUCKED, I lost a lot of weight in the last couple of months, Probably 5 lbs just last week because I couldn't eat. My sleep is all screwed up and I am blaming the stress but now I am sick. I am 5'6 and am probably down to 110-115 now. I know I am wearing a size 0 and haven't been in this size for about 12 years! I haven't gotten sick in about 3 years but wow do I feel like crap now.

Hubby said he's kind of glad it all came out because maybe he needed a wake-up call, my telling him wasn't working. I don't recommend it but I am glad we are finally coming back together again.

Anyone considering cheating..... think hard because from what I am seeing they rarely end well.

Sorry if this is all jumbled and doesn't make sence, as I said I am sick and my head is still a little fuzzy from all that we've been through in the last week.

Thanks to all those who helped me through this tough time, if it wasn't for you it might not be how it is. HUGZ!!!!!

[theBrokenMuse]

I am going home in July to see this guy and hubby knows this. Not see as in "get together", just see and talk with him without hubby there. Like I told hubby although we talked about it in email I don't think either of us could actually go through with having sex with each other, we both love our spouses too much to do that. I just need to say goodbye to the guy he used to be and just be friends with the guy he is and yes above and beyond anything else he is and will always be my friend.

 

This is a very bad idea. You can't even say with certainty that you aren't going to have sex with this person, you can only give a half-hearted 'I don't think'. Given the fact that you nearly slept with another man and your love for your husband didn't stop you from fooling around on him then, why would it stop you this time around?

 

If a part of you loved this other man and still does, that's not a problem. Moving on isn't about killing all the feelings you ever felt for someone from your past, it's about not dwelling in the ghosts of the past.

 

You don't need to say goodbye in person to the guy he used to be. Too late. That man is already gone. He's dead and buried in the sands of time. You don't really need another person to bring you closure, closure comes from within. All you are doing is tempting fate and fanning flames.

 

Rather than insist upon meeting with an ex, perhaps you should start putting the focus on repairing your marriage along side your husband. Your husband might outwardly not protest you going but I assure you that I doubt he's deluded enough to believe it's appropriate for a married woman to insist that she has to meet up with an old lover alone... I sure as heck don't.

 

You sound like you are in an EA with this man.

[Findingme]

This is a very bad idea. You can't even say with certainty that you aren't going to have sex with this person, you can only give a half-hearted 'I don't think'. Given the fact that you nearly slept with another man and your love for your husband didn't stop you from fooling around on him then, why would it stop you this time around?

 

If a part of you loved this other man and still does, that's not a problem. Moving on isn't about killing all the feelings you ever felt for someone from your past, it's about not dwelling in the ghosts of the past.

 

You don't need to say goodbye in person to the guy he used to be. Too late. That man is already gone. He's dead and buried in the sands of time. You don't really need another person to bring you closure, closure comes from within. All you are doing is tempting fate and fanning flames.

 

Rather than insist upon meeting with an ex, perhaps you should start putting the focus on repairing your marriage along side your husband. Your husband might outwardly not protest you going but I assure you that I doubt he's deluded enough to believe it's appropriate for a married woman to insist that she has to meet up with an old lover alone... I sure as heck don't.

 

You sound like you are in an EA with this man.

 

Thanks for posting, what you are saying does make sence but it's not as black and white as that. And yes I know my husband is not deluded nor is he gullable. He's a good man. He also knows that I still have feelings for this other guy. We talked about it all. I've tried for over 20 years to let this die but it/he has always been on my mind. I have had so many dreams that I lost count long ago. I woke up crying and scared I was talking in my sleep. This guy has been a wedge between my husband and I all our marriage and he didn't even know it. We love each other too much to just let our marriage go but I have to be able to be in my marriage 100%, not part of me with the other guy like it has been for all these years.

 

Now about almost sleeping with the friend at work and the love for my hubby not stopping me. Well my hubby and I have been having serious problems for about 4-5 years now. Actually longer but the last 4-5 years it's been a lot worse. I told him over and over what I needed and I guess he just assumed I would always be here and he didn't have to make an effort. The love wasn't enough anymore. I hope we never forget what we almost lost because of our complacency. Never assume the other knows how you feel because that is not always the case. Make sure they know every day that they are your all. I loved my husband too much to leave but at the same time my friend was giving me what my husband refused to, more than just a passing glance. If that makes me a crappy person because I needed attention then so be it. For years our relationship was more like siblings and I was emotionally lonely. I NEEDED more, it wasn't about wanting more, it was about needing more.

[PWSX3]

Sounds like your hubby is really giving 100% to make your marriage work, but I don't get that feeling coming from you....

 

I have heard from MC, Christian talk shows, & read in books it is VERY hard to be friends with old flings. In fact they say it is impossible to do & you shouldn't do it.

 

Just like Thebrokenmuse said; going back isn't going to do you any good, what you had is over, I feel you just want to go see what you are missing.

I would think maybe writing a good-bye letter to him & then bury it in your back yard, or burn it or do something like that would be better.

 

Your hubby is showing you he really wants to give your marriage another try so you need to really start focusing on that as well & then maybe you will start sleeping & eating better. Put that energy you had for the other guys back into your marriage & you will be surprised how much better you will feel.

 

I would suggest you go to MC if you aren't already going just to help both of you to get back on the same page, give you both direction & the tools when things do start getting a little bumpy.

 

I don't know why a marriage should take so much work but it does. One of the first books I read was; her needs, his needs & it really opened my eyes up to how men & woman see things different.

 

I would suggest instead of spending that time talking to the other guys to set down & read some books on marriage. I have read more in the last two years then I had since I was out of high school & it has helped me.

[theBrokenMuse]

I've tried for over 20 years to let this die but it/he has always been on my mind. I have had so many dreams that I lost count long ago.This guy has been a wedge between my husband and I all our marriage and he didn't even know it. We love each other too much to just let our marriage go but I have to be able to be in my marriage 100%, not part of me with the other guy like it has been for all these years.

 

You need to work through this with a GOOD professional worth their salt, NOT your ex. There are quite a few reasons that people cling to a past lover and sometimes it's not even really about the past lover at all.

 

If you want to get over this man, going to see him defeats the purpose. It would be like a alcoholic saying they needed a beer to help them get over their addiction to booze. It doesn't work that way.

[Woggle]

I don't see anything good coming of this.

[Ladyjane14]

FM, these folks are telling you right. You're still on a very slippery slope, and if you don't focus your attention on the marriage, you're likely to lose it.

 

We had posted back and forth about ways to improve the marriage dynamic in your other thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=146286&page=2

Maybe it would be a good time to review those posts.

 

Please think about getting some counseling for the marriage. You're not out of the woods yet.

[Findingme]

FM, these folks are telling you right. You're still on a very slippery slope, and if you don't focus your attention on the marriage, you're likely to lose it.

 

We had posted back and forth about ways to improve the marriage dynamic in your other thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=146286&page=2

Maybe it would be a good time to review those posts.

 

Please think about getting some counseling for the marriage. You're not out of the woods yet.

 

I do remember talking to you and you were 1 of the real helpful ones. What people don't seem to understand is that I AM. focusing on my marriage. As I told hubby when we talked about all this, there is still a few months ahead of us before I am supposed to leave AND my daughter is going with me, I am not going down there just to see him. I am going to spend time with my sister. I will try to see him but not to do anything wrong but so I can put reality into perspective. He is not who he was and neither am I, I know that in my head but I need to put the old friend where he belongs.

[theBrokenMuse]

I will try to see him but not to do anything wrong but so I can put reality into perspective. He is not who he was and neither am I, I know that in my head but I need to put the old friend where he belongs.

 

The problem with this game plan is that this meeting may open Pandora's box rather than give you perspective. Instead of getting some sense of closure this meeting can set you back emotionally, leave you feeling confused and fuel the unhealthy attachment you feel for this man. (I call it unhealthy because it's crippling your current relationship).

 

Please really think this through before you go through with this...

[TheRain]

I do remember talking to you and you were 1 of the real helpful ones. What people don't seem to understand is that I AM. focusing on my marriage. As I told hubby when we talked about all this, there is still a few months ahead of us before I am supposed to leave AND my daughter is going with me, I am not going down there just to see him. I am going to spend time with my sister. I will try to see him but not to do anything wrong but so I can put reality into perspective. He is not who he was and neither am I, I know that in my head but I need to put the old friend where he belongs.

 

The worst that can happened, you end up having sex with this man and destroying two marriages. The better outcome is not good either, because after meeting him, you become confused and set you back emotionally and this can damage your marriage. Most likely, it will be something in between.

 

I konw that you are hoping that after seeing him, your fantasy will turn into reality and things will be better from that point on, but that's highly unlikely, because during those few minutes or hours that you meet with him, you will only see the best of him and not the worst.

 

One of the biggest and stupidest things people do is to have a "closure" with a past lover by meeting him/her again.

[Findingme]

The problem with this game plan is that this meeting may open Pandora's box rather than give you perspective. Instead of getting some sense of closure this meeting can set you back emotionally, leave you feeling confused and fuel the unhealthy attachment you feel for this man. (I call it unhealthy because it's crippling your current relationship).

 

Please really think this through before you go through with this...

 

I will, I have a few months yet before we go so I could very well not even want to see him by then.

[Findingme]

The worst that can happened, you end up having sex with this man and destroying two marriages. The better outcome is not good either, because after meeting him, you become confused and set you back emotionally and this can damage your marriage. Most likely, it will be something in between.

 

I konw that you are hoping that after seeing him, your fantasy will turn into reality and things will be better from that point on, but that's highly unlikely, because during those few minutes or hours that you meet with him, you will only see the best of him and not the worst.

 

One of the biggest and stupidest things people do is to have a "closure" with a past lover by meeting him/her again.

 

 

That's true, I think we only show our best to people we don't see all the time. I have to say though thata I am not sure things could get more confusing than they already are.

It's weird to see him called a past lover because we were childhood sweethearts and not would I call "lovers".

BUT with that said...... I do get your point and again I am not sure that by that time I will even want to see him. Hubby and I are getting closer and closer every day and I know that I do love him.