Sister-in-law issues

[Ambala]

I am married to a wonderful guy for the last 10 years. He has an older brother who lives on the east coast. The brother got married about 5 years ago and has a couple of kids. His wife is generally a nice person when she meets us but then when she's away, its like she doesn't want any relationship with us. His wife never calls to ask how we are doing, never emails or sends photos. I have tried to maintain a friendly and open communication with her from day one (sending emails, birthday cards, anniversary wishes etc.) but it seems like she never really wants to try. In the last 5 years, she has maybe called me and my family 3 times, only after her husband spoke to us first. Also, those phone conversations have been very brief (few mins. in time frame). I don't know what to make of this. Should I keep calling and trying to maintain a relationship and making an effort or just give up and ignore her. I am only concerned because my husband only has this one sibling and no other brothers/sisters. I want us all to get along and remain close family.

 

My husband's parents were never aware of this situation until recently (when my husband spoke up) but since they know now that my (sil) hardly keeps in touch with us, they are kind of ignoring the situation to avoid conflict. All they care about is that both their sons maintain a relationship. My hubby doesn't hate his bro but isn't very close to him either. Meaning, he hardly calls him or emails him. His brother is always calling us instead but the wife is never making any effort whatsoever.

 

what should I do in this situation?

Edited March 22, 2008 by Ambala

[curiousnycgirl]

So your SIL is acting as your husband does - think about it. Some people are simply better in person and are not comfortable communicating remotely. Sounds like you and your bil are the ones that will either maintain the relationship or not. What's the problem?

[Ronni_W]

I am only concerned because my husband only has this one sibling and no other brothers/sisters. I want us all to get along and remain close family.

Your desire for close family is, of course, fine. But it is unclear whether you've asked your husband's sister-in-law if she has the same desire. If she does not, it is unrealistic to expect her to do all the things that you do, to fulfill your desire.

 

Your concern for your husband's sibling relationship is...well, it ought to be your husband's concern. If he is not worried, then I would respect that he is fine with exactly how the relationship is, and let it be.

 

The other wife apparently also does not share the pressure or responsibility that you've accepted as your own, about the brothers' relationship. Again, it is not her role to help or support you to live up to your own sense of responsibility.

 

As you say, she is a nice person. She just has a different view of her spousal role as far as her husband's sibling relationship goes, and likely a different way of "keeping family in her heart", as well.

 

To me, the key to closer (in-law) family relationships lies in your communicating with your husband, about your desires, concerns and sense of duty to the extended family. Hubby is the only one with power to want and to work for a strong, positive relationship with his brother...as well as other family members. Best of luck.