decatur Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 Help me get a grip, please, before I go nuts and drive my lover away. I know that the degree of jealousy I'm feeling about my fiance's previous sexual activities is irrational given the fact that we all have pasts and we've all been in love and we shouldn't be made to feel ashamed about that. Rationally, I know all that -- but I still cannot seem to stop my mind (and occasionally my mouth) when discussing sexual matters with him. I start thinking, "Has he done this with XXX?" and suddenly my interest in him and what we do begins to wane, as though if he's done it before, it's not special to us. Sometimes I'll ask and he'll tell me (either I've caught him off guard or he's just trying to be open to foster intimacy between us) and if the answer is "yes", I can't just accept it and shrug my shoulders -- I actually feel very wounded and short-changed. I don't want to punish him or have him vigilantly guarding every detail from his past, but that's what's happening. He's wonderful about always emphasizing how much more he enjoys sex with me but when I'm in a mood, it's hard for me to believe. It doesn't help that the bulk of the truly interesting sex he's had seems to have been with his last ex, a girl he broke up with then spent a year trying to get back with once he started questioning whether he'd ever find someone else. She did the final rejecting and that was three years ago. We've been together two years. He says he's well and truly over that relationship and now knows that they were never really compatible and had they gotten back together, it wouldn't have worked out, but I feel threatened nonetheless. They've maintained sporadic e-mail and phone communication but she angrily cut him off about a month ago when he announced that we've become engaged. Weird, huh? Anyway, though so many issues seem interrelated, I have to concentrate first on this sexual jealousy. How do I make myself not care? How do I stop judging the importance and quality of our relations based on what he has or has not done with others? I'm certainly not a kid, and I've always been pretty sanguine about the pasts of my previous lovers but with him, I feel so greedy and insecure sometimes. Trying to be good, Decatur Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 The big thing I see here, is that you keep asking. If you're going to ask your partner something about his past, you have to be prepared to accept any answer. If you don't think you can, don't ask in the first place. As for getting over it, I don't have a whole lot of advice. I used to be very jealous of an ex, for her sexual exploits. I felt emasculated because she had had more experience with sex than I. And with my current gf, I get none of that. In fact I've asked her more about her sexual past than any other gf, because for some reason it doesn't bother me. I know I please her. I know we have great sex. And I know that if her past had happened any other way, maybe we wouldn't have found each other. I think its a matter of trust. You have to trust that he loves you, then who cares about the past. He's with you now. Link to post Share on other sites
rclynn Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 I know exactly how you feel, I felt the same way about my fiancee.. He's much more experienced than I am, and I am very jealous of his past.... If someone he dated 10 years ago, sends him an e-mail about someone, dying, getting married --- you know something totally un-relationship related.... I used to immediately think, "is he thinking about her while we're together" I was soooo jealous I can't hardly stand it....... but i've learned to not say anything about it at all....... I just keep my thoughts to myself. He loves me very much, he's everything i've ever wanted, and just because other men have cheated on me in the past, that has NOTHING to do with this relationship.... It is helping, I am not nearly as jealous now as i was in the beginning..... I just keep telling myself, no matter how much i nag, b*tch, and not trust him--that will not keep him from cheating on me, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, there is nothing i can say or do that will keep from cheating, I just have to show and tell him every day that I love him and i have to trust him--100%..... if we don't have trust, we have nothing....... I know it's hard, but really, if you love the other person, you have to trust them and get past this jealousy, it will rip your relationship apart..... Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 This comes straight down to your overwhelming insecurity. You say you can' t help feeling threatened. By what? He is with YOU, has been for two years, and he hasn't cheated on you or given you any reason to think he's been unfaithful. You need to RELAX. As for asking him about his past sexual experiences - this obviously makes you very upset; why bring it up at all? I, personally, am of the view that it isn't ever a really bright idea to discuss the"interesting sex" that your partner has had previously to you, unless there's something important, like a health issue, that needs to be disclosed. You need to trust your boyfriend - he hasn't given you cause not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted July 13, 2003 Share Posted July 13, 2003 Just assume that he has done EVERYTHING do-able with someone else (or quite of few someone elses') PERIOD. Most men have----no big deal. If you look at it that way there is no need to ask again. He was alive and healthy and that is what is done when men are alive! These women are X girlfriends----they are X's because something wasn't right. As long as he doesn't talk to them in any way shape or form (and doesn't obsess about them to you) it is perfectly natural that he had many women before you. I would worry about it more if he were a virgin---that would scare me. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author decatur Posted July 13, 2003 Author Share Posted July 13, 2003 Thanks to all who replied - I'm going to take each of your suggestions on board. Angel, especially, thanks for a very unique perspective that had never occured to me - I think that method may really work for me. Link to post Share on other sites
ozman Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 I have just been through a similar situation with my current partner and i have to say it's scary stuff. It all started with the topic of affairs and before we new it we where fessing up all this stuff and it got very weird. We have been together around 16 months and have truly fallen very deeply in love, so hearing about past lovers can do your head in. Why it happened I'll never know, what lesson we have to learn from this is not yet clear but remember why you fell for your partner and how they have made your life better and be bloody grateful for that. I personally hope that my relationship is forever as I love and respect my partner so much. We all have a past, and just as your past makes you the person you are, the same goes for your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Random person Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 First, you have to realize that it is normal for you to feel these ways. It's not uncommon for a person to feel threatened. If you weren't jealous you wouldn't care! But, you do have to also remind yourself that this person that was apart of his past is no longer part of his present or future! And if she is, then she needs to be irradicated from the situation! NO reminders should be tolerated in a new relationship...it's unfair. For more info on this--go to http://andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/75.htm--read this article and then surf thru the bottom for The green eyed monster II, they are both excellent articles and will help immensly! Link to post Share on other sites
flygirl24 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 I also feel this way about my boyfriend, but I have gotten better with time. He was married before, and so I always wanted to know every detail about his sex life. I wouldn't get mad when he told me honest answers, but then when something didn't match the first story exactly, I would go nuts. Now, whenever I have a need to ask a question as to whether he did something with his ex-wife, I stop myself and remember that she is just an ex, and that he was not satisfied with her sexually all in all, and he is with me. I do not care about the details any more, because they only made me angry, even though the whole picture was tame. I also like Angel's reply, which says that Xs are just that, for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Gemini02 Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I too, was jealous of my boyfriends past. I am still getting over it, but reading the posts and stuff helps alot... My boyfriend also told me this: "if i had of known i was gonna meet you, I would have never of done that" That made me feel a lot better Link to post Share on other sites
Svetybug Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I think that one of the reasons that we (the insecure ones) are so curious about others' pasts is because we are looking for some kind of guarantee or some security that won't be hurt. We disect their every past emotion and deed looking for answers. I can't even hear the name of the towns where my bf and his exwife used to live. For some reason, I guess I feel hurt because I know they had a life there. It's silly to feel that way, I suppose, but it isn't like I am trying to feel this way. As far as a person's past sex life goes, I would imagine you would have to look at your current situation and hopefully you are getting the feeling that he is being intimate with you because he truly cares about YOU and it's another way to show it. Also, have anyone ever figured out why they are insecure, I really have no reason to feel this way, but I do. Link to post Share on other sites
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