mas21 Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Alright let me explain this a little bit. So my exboyfriend and i dated about 3-4 yrs in hs. He is five years older than me. So i decided to move away for college and as soon as he began talking about moving with me and changing his entire life to follow me, i decided to break up with him. I was being selfish but also protecting him because i knew it wouldnt work because i wanted to figure out who i was and meet new friends. Unfortunately with a bf i thought i would not as been as social. So apparently i hurt him real bad. He later, when i was in college, told me he was so messed up that he said he recklessly floored his car around this crazy spiral road,hill area that is very dangerous and did not care. So my thoughts were that he was so hurt he didnt care. Anyhow, over the years we have randomly seen each other, talked and what not. We even dated for a bit the summer after my freshmen year, but i left again and did not continue it. Anyhow, now i am graduating and really wanna know how he is, because he has been more distant than in the past. He will reply to texts, but not consistently. I know he is busy but i am trying to understand him. We were suppose to get together during christmas but he kinda flaked out and was weird, idk. Anyhow, i texted him on st.patricks day and he replied for a while, but as soon as i mentioned going out to dinner with me, he stopped replying and never answered. He still has not contacted me back. I even sent him something saying i thought i saw his friend.. and nothing. I have told him, if he is dating someone, i will completely leave him alone and i even said just to tell me to leave him alone and i will respect that. But he never says yes or to back off. I know i shouldnt be contacting him and should leave him alone. But just tell me why he is acting this way? Is it that he is over me and wants nothing to do with me? I would understand that but he also helped me out by asnwering a interview i sent him via email couple weeks ago. So id think he wouldnt help me out if he hated me. Link to post Share on other sites
Arch Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Why would he date someone who broke up with him? Seriously I don't get why these guys take chicks back after the chick left, my relationships are one time things - put everything into it the first time and if it ends in failure make sure never to repeat that failure again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 , but as soon as i mentioned going out to dinner with me, he stopped replying and never answered. He still has not contacted me back. I even sent him something.. and nothing. I know i shouldnt be contacting him and should leave him alone. He probably helped you out with your email interview thing because he is a basic, nice human being. No need to confuse yourself by trying to read any more into it than that. Just because he isn't contacting you doesn't mean he "hates" you. Hate takes a lot of energy...we tend to want to believe we are worth the energy expenditure of "hate" but that is seldom the case. Nor does his not contacting you mean that he likes you. It really just means he hasn't felt an urge to contact you (which, to me, is a HUGE message just waiting for you to listen to and accept.) I'm not seeing any connection between his dating or not dating someone, in order for you to do what you admit you know you must do Link to post Share on other sites
bejshermanoaks Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Be very clear. Communicate clearly here. Say please answer this question--get to the point with as few words as possible. Also, he probably resents you ; I dont think he hates you at all. So, when someone resents you, an apology is a good place to start. "Im so sorry for all those times I hurt you". "I shouldnt have broke up with you"--if thats how you feel. Apologize, if you feel sorry and be direct about what it is you want from him... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Be very clear. Communicate clearly here. Say please answer this question--get to the point with as few words as possible. Also, he probably resents you ; I dont think he hates you at all. So, when someone resents you, an apology is a good place to start. "Im so sorry for all those times I hurt you". "I shouldnt have broke up with you"--if thats how you feel. Apologize, if you feel sorry and be direct about what it is you want from him... I don't understand what is there to apologize for. It was years ago, why is it important to bring up past hurtful events? Besides OP, why are you constantly trying to get his attention? You broke up with him, yet your actions seems like you're just stringing him along. Do you want him back or do you just want to be friends? Stop bothering him if you don't want him to be your bf. And friends don't harrass each other at that. Just take it as it is, he's avoiding you. You've explained your actions. Just move on already. Link to post Share on other sites
vivrantflo Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I was being selfish but also protecting him because i knew it wouldnt work because i wanted to figure out who i was and meet new friends. Unfortunately with a bf i thought i would not as been as social. So apparently i hurt him real bad. Uh.. yeah.. you did... We even dated for a bit the summer after my freshmen year, but i left again and did not continue it. Oh nice.. you reeled him back in, just to break his heart again.. very nice.. Anyhow, now i am graduating and really wanna know how he is, because he has been more distant than in the past. He will reply to texts, but not consistently. I know he is busy but i am trying to understand him. We were suppose to get together during christmas but he kinda flaked out and was weird, idk. Why do you want to know how he is?? What is it to you?? You want to understand him?? ok.. lets break it down. You dated for 3-4 years took off to school and dumped him, cause u needed to find out who you are.. sure... then in the summer you get him back, just to dump him again in the fall. He was heartbroken, and had enough of your games.. as any guy would. He "flaked" out cause he's scared of being hurt by you again..get it? Just leave him alone. You don't want him back, so just let him be. Texting him and calling him after breaking up with him is a character trait about 95% of the guys on this site are trying to understand.. and even looking at it from your end, it still makes no sense. You broke his heart, and he's trying to extract you from his life so he can move on. Leave him alone Link to post Share on other sites
Author mas21 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 see the way you put it makes me see that it could be because he is hurt or does resent me. I guess i just dont get it because it was 4 years ago, and he has dated other girls while ive been gone. I just kinda figured he was over it. Last time i saw him was like a year ago. If the case is that he is hurt and wants nothing to do with me, i will completely respect that. I guess because he never said leave me alone or flat out ignored me when i asked if i should i figured we could still talk. Hearing about me moving back is probably the last thing he wants to hear about then. i even sent him a text today about what is his easter plans and got a reply but then when i told him about mine and asked if he was going out nothing. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 What do you want from him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mas21 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 i really considered him my best friend during a hard time in my life. I broke up with him while my grandma, who raised me, since my mom worked, was very sick and a couple days later she died; among other things that happened. So i guess i pushed alot of people away, not just him. His father was also in the hospital at the same time. I guess i have been talking to him over the years and always expected to have a friendship. I mean ill always love the guy, he was probably perfect for me at the time, kept me out of trouble. But almost not perfect time because i miss alot about him. I do not want to say i want to be with him, because i would never put myself out there, more than i have, because i do not want to look stupid. I just thought i was being realistic, long distance does not work. Anyhow he clearly does not want to see me and i guess by his reactions wants me to leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 I dont think you are being honest with yourself---if you want to be with him, tell him that. If you dont, leave him alone.. I think its best for you both that you be candid/honest to him OR leave him be... Of course he is acting uncertain; he is only mirrroing you as you are uncertain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mas21 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 yes i understand that, but not seeing someone for a year and then all the sudden being like you know what i made a mistake and tell him i miss him. That will only push him away. Desperation does not work well with guys. Anyways, i dont want to be crazy and say all these things when he could have. I called him and left him a message earlier after he replied to one of my texts and he never called me back. I guess ill be learning from my mistakes here. Its just kind of weird because im friends with his brother and his nephew on myspace. And his brother seems like he wants to hang out with me and told me last time he may of not hung out with me because maybe he is hurt... also i wrote a bulletin about anyone wanting to go a concert with me. Both his brother and his nephew replied ot me saying they want to go. i feel like im putting myself out there and doesnt seem to care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mas21 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 plus its his 27th bday on the 30th and i want to say happy birthday but i dont think he would even appreciate that Link to post Share on other sites
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 mas21--I need a straight answer--this is a anonymous board and you still arent telling me how you feel...DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM? I dont need to know the answer--but you do. Be honest with yourself, you understand what Im saying? Until you admit it one way or another, you wont have a resolution.. YES or NO? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mas21 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 hahaha Jezzz... Yes i would love to be with him, but i cant have a relationship with someone that does not want anything to do with me. I remember when we were together how his friend said this always happens, he was such a nice guy, that girls always come back. I would say that if he could actually talk to me, other than a reply to a text. You think he is thinking about me now that i am in town or is considering seeing me? Link to post Share on other sites
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 Great--Im so glad you admitted that Now we have something to discuss. You understand that you once hurt him, right? When you hurt someone, you have to work that much harder to get them to listen--you cant expect him to do the work here. You have to re-establish the trust, right? Its your time/turn to make the effort. I have no idea how he feels, all I know is, you ended it and you have to apologize and make the effort. You may need to grovel. You may need to call and call again...it depends on how bad you want him. So, you should call, not text, him..leave him a message, "hey , give me a call back. Id love to see you". Then, go out with him and tell him how you feel. Be vulnerable and honest, if you arent--he certainly will never be--one of you has to be the one who is vulnerable and to put it on the line...the worst thing is he will reject you, and if that happens, then youll know how he felt--the best, well I dont need to tell you how great the best thing could be, right? Dont wait for him to make the first move--why shuld/would he? "So i guess i pushed alot of people away, not just him. His father was also in the hospital at the same time. I guess i have been talking to him over the years and always expected to have a friendship. I mean ill always love the guy, he was probably perfect for me at the time, kept me out of trouble. But almost not perfect time because i miss alot about him." Tell him all of this! I do not want to say i want to be with him, because i would never put myself out there, more than i have, because i do not want to look stupid. Stupid , is NOT being honest with him. You can never feel stupid for saying how you feel..who will think you're stupid? Not me? Who???? I think its fantastic to admit you messed up..it shows you have some depth. If someone thinks this is stupid--they are being judgmental... I just thought i was being realistic, long distance does not work. The LD thing is what would hold me back, but thats a personal choice. Anyhow he clearly does not want to see me and i guess by his reactions wants me to leave him alone. You'll never really know until you put it all on the line my love..drop your ego and your pride; its good for you. Besides, "pride is just your ego ****in with your head" The outcome isnt important here--what is, is you learning to communicate your feelings and such.. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 You broke up with him. Why have you talked at all since the first time you dumped him? I think that the fact he spoke to you at all means he is a very big, very gracious person. But now you've broken his heart not once but twice. How could he possibly trust you? I'm certain he's trying to protect himself, and that he doesn't believe you're sincere. You've hurt him a lot, now you have to let him go. You threw his love away twice, and he'd be very, very foolish to give it to you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mas21 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 thank you for your advice. I mean i called and left him a message and told him to call me back earlier today... im guessing that is a no go considering i have yet to hear back. Considering he doesnt know what is going on with my life and vis versa, hes gonna think im getting over a break up and wanting attention. How do i go about doing this without him thinking this. Ive had the exs that dont stop calling and harass me, and i do call them the physcos. but i dont want it to be like that for me if i call him and he doesnt reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mas21 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 the second time we werent really dating, just hanging out, not sleeping together not really even physical. Just hanging out, rollerblading, watching movies. I have talked to him alot over the years, but i feel ike he does not communicate as much as he once did. He moved to co for a couple months for work right before christmas but is back now. Link to post Share on other sites
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 You arent psycho by calling him again and saying "I want to see you". Be clear and direct. Nothing psycho about that at all.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ash1000 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I think you've hurt him a lot in the past, and even if he is still interested in you, he'll never make the first move. If you have something to say, then you need to say it to him. After everything that's happened, I think you have to be the one to take the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
nab0610 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 look the guy still cares about you, but he's afraid of getting hurt again its as simple as that he seems like if you asked him to do something for you or you needed help he would help you if you want to be friends with him talk like you want to be friends, sorry but i just don't think he wants anything more than that tell him happy birthday and you hope he has a good day simple as that be nice to him and be his friend but don't bug him with texts everyday if you want to know how he's doing be nice to him don't be pushy and he'll tell you Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Alright let me explain this a little bit. So my exboyfriend and i dated about 3-4 yrs in hs. He is five years older than me. So i decided to move away for college and as soon as he began talking about moving with me and changing his entire life to follow me, i decided to break up with him. I was being selfish but also protecting him because i knew it wouldnt work because i wanted to figure out who i was and meet new friends. Unfortunately with a bf i thought i would not as been as social. So apparently i hurt him real bad. He later, when i was in college, told me he was so messed up that he said he recklessly floored his car around this crazy spiral road,hill area that is very dangerous and did not care. So my thoughts were that he was so hurt he didnt care. Anyhow, over the years we have randomly seen each other, talked and what not. We even dated for a bit the summer after my freshmen year, but i left again and did not continue it. Anyhow, now i am graduating and really wanna know how he is, because he has been more distant than in the past. Why don't you leave him alone. you've done enough to him. If he is distant there is good reason. Don't try to impose yourself on him. You didn't want him then and hurt him, so leave him alone now. Its like you wanted to keep him on the back burner while you had your college fun. Nothing wrong with college fun, but playing with someone's emotions is. He will reply to texts, but not consistently. I know he is busy but i am trying to understand him. Again, why when you didn't want to have anything to do with him before? Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Uh.. yeah.. you did... Oh nice.. you reeled him back in, just to break his heart again.. very nice.. Why do you want to know how he is?? What is it to you?? You want to understand him?? ok.. lets break it down. You dated for 3-4 years took off to school and dumped him, cause u needed to find out who you are.. sure... then in the summer you get him back, just to dump him again in the fall. He was heartbroken, and had enough of your games.. as any guy would. He "flaked" out cause he's scared of being hurt by you again..get it? Just leave him alone. You don't want him back, so just let him be. Texting him and calling him after breaking up with him is a character trait about 95% of the guys on this site are trying to understand.. and even looking at it from your end, it still makes no sense. You broke his heart, and he's trying to extract you from his life so he can move on. Leave him alone viv, I gotta say, I like the way you think. I enjoy your posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 This thread is brutal. You've hurt him time and time again, and all you care about is what you want, so you continue to string him along. How selfish can you get? Leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
heartoutside Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 My ex recently just did something similar, only much more hurtful. Broke up, cried and beg'd her way back into my life, dumped the guy she was dating and got back together with me...Broke up with me 3 weeks later and 3 months later was back to dating the other guy again. This is after being together for almost 4 years, and almost getting married. I can tell you right now that the only reason I got back together with her the first time (and the last time!) was because she made all the effort. I wasn't even talking to her and had deleted her from my life. But after several months of that she started calling, text, and then emailing me telling me how she was sorry, made the biggest mistake of her life. BUT, she just ended up breaking my heart 3 weeks later again and for good. I won't say I don't miss her, I do and there isn't a day that I don't think maybe she'll wake up again and see what a big mistake she made. But when you hurt someone that bad, I can promise you I won't be the one asking her back....no at all....I would do exactly what your ex has done and is doing. I"m surprised he even returns some of your calls and texts. I wouldn't do any of that, I mean right now...I have so much hate towards my ex it's unreal. But, I still love her, and that will probably always be there, and I'm sure it's the same for your ex. All I can say is, if you really really want to be with him, make damn well sure of it! This guy doesn't deserve you walking over his heart for a 3rd time! If he doesn't want anything to do with you and a relationship....then leave him alone and stay away from his life and let him live it! Link to post Share on other sites
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