Very depressed - need some serious suggestions...

[Bobby.Roy]

I even shudder to think how i have spent the last few days. I have been extremely disappointed, sad and upset because the girl whom i had loved since the last 8 years ditched me, backbit on me and went around with someone else, even if that meant for a few days.

 

He was a common friend that we had and a very close one as well. Whenever, we had ample free time, we (me and my girl-friend) would just go to his place and have a nice time, generally speaking. But i didn't imagine that this would turn out to be something of this proportion. She had told me earlier that she was starting to get attracted towards him but i did not quite paid that much heed as i thought, okay, attraction is quite natural and since she is in love with ME, nothing could bother us or our relationship.

 

But i couldn't have been proved more wrong. Even he told me that he likes her very much but since i thought we all are friends, (and i had tons and tons of trust on our 8 years old relationship) hence, this 'attraction', 'liking' was quite natural but now i realise how naive i have been all through - overlooking what was beginning to take shape right infront of my eyes!

 

One day (about 2 weeks back), i went to her place to meet her and just generally, i took her cell phone in my hand and that's when i realised that something was seriously wrong. In these past 8 years, she NEVER hesitated to show me her cell phone or ANYTHING at all - but yesterday, when i took her cell in my hands, she immediately took it back saying that she wants some privacy. I was shocked and really wanted to know what was going on. I asked straight forward, was there something going on between her and this friend of mine (i shudder to call him 'friend' after this whole incident). She, obviously blatantly refused saying that she loved me and she would never do something like that.

 

So, i asked her to show me her cell phone but she didn't. So after a brief scuffle, i did manage to take the cell phone from her hand and she wanted it back oh so badly. I just took the phone in my hands, and ran out of her room so that she wouldn't be able to take it away from me. I went through her messages and that is when i got the shock of my life! The girl whom i had trusted, whom i believed more than i ever believed anyone else, had broken my trust - had shattered my belief.

 

There were 6-8 SMS messages from both sides mentioning how much they were missing each other and how they wanted to meet alone but since i was always there with her, she could not. Damn it! I could not believe my eyes - i absolutely could not believe what was i reading. My eyes were blurry and my heart felt so heavy as if some kind of hammer just pounded on it with a ton of force.

 

I went back in her room and asked about the messages. She started crying and admitted that she did commit a big mistake and because we were having a little problem in our relationship, and in that same time this friend came close to her and she began to think that may be this is what she was missing from her life - may be he was the guy she would be happier with..She never even thought of our relation, or what would happen when i will get to know about all this.

 

I called this 'friend' and took her to meet him as well. The 3 of us sat and i asked both of them, what do you guys want. Now, she was obviously feeling VERY guilty because of what she had done and she was crying furiously and he thought this was a perfect time to say something nasty to me and he said i should understand what her silence means - it means that she is in love with him and she didn't want me in her life anymore...!!

 

Anyways, not going into any more details, i just want to pen down that we were back together after much heart-break and going through some serious emotional and mental trauma.

 

But after being together barely 2-3 days, i again found out that both of them were communicating to each other (through calls and messages AGAIN!!).I asked her and she did agree to this and told me that she loves me very very very much but she doesn't see her future with me. She also said that she wanted us to be just friends. I straight away told her that i cannot keep getting hurt each and everyday, and by being "just friends" with her is simply not possible after all these years of being in so much love with her...

 

She is also very sad and heart-broken but finally she said she likes/loves that guy too much to forget about him, she said she tried hard but she just could not forget him..

 

Damn! I just cannot write how i feel right now..I trusted her, believed her so much and this is what she does to me. I still love her sooooo very much and i am still ready to absolutely forget and forgive everything if only she would realize what she is doing!

 

Now, this guy is a 40 year old divorcee who has a 10 year old kid and who is an absolute flirt. He is a womanizer, he is only after women for one reason - physical satisfaction and inspite of my girl-friend knowing all this clean and clear, she just cannot stop herself. This is what hurts the most, i just dont want that bugger to take advantage of her..

 

I know probably they won't go around for much longer but then again, i really love and care for her. I just cannot forget her. Even she called me a couple of times in these past couple of days and wanted to talk to me but i straight away told her, not to call or contact me AT-LEAST not till she has any kind of contacts with him...

 

I am still very very positive and hopeful that may be one day she will come back to me, but i really do not know if that day will come or not..

 

Damn! Its real real hard to let go such a old and true relationship.. :( She was like my shadow, she knew me so very well and vice-versa that i just cannot even imagine my life without her besides me.. :(

 

Well, that's mostly what has happened to me in the past 2 weeks..Please provide your suggestions/ opinions/ advices as to what you guys think after reading through it. I am really very very depressed and shocked beyond words but i really really love her way too much..I really love her still...

 

Thanks,

-Bobby.

[paladin1]

Our situations are similar in many ways; and I feel for you. At this point you have done all you can. Understand; what she sees right now is the "sparkly new exciting" aspect of initiating a relationship with this other man, and in some people's eyes when comparing it to the "old tried and true" of 8 years it APPEARS better on the surface.

She will realize, over the next few months to a year, that what glitters is not always gold. For now, what you have done with telling her to not contact you until she is willing to never speak to this man again is fair. She is, I assume, aware that you love her and would take her back if only this condition was met? Now, do not contact her again. Let her feel your absence; let her realize the shine this guy had is only glitter, not substance. It may take 6 months to a year for her to see it, but if the situation is as you describe she will figure it out eventually.

What you must decide during this time is whether or not you want to take her back; knowing she has the potential to do this; if or when she comes back to you. Meanwhile; live your life as best you can, avoid her, and work on yourself. Find out what YOU really want, and if it is really her knowing what she has done. Good luck, and post back to let us all know how it is going!

[sedgwick]

i did manage to take the cell phone from her hand and she wanted it back oh so badly. I just took the phone in my hands, and ran out of her room so that she wouldn't be able to take it away from me. I went through her messages and that is when i got the shock of my life!

 

If someone did this to me, that alone would be enough to make me lose respect for them and leave. No offense, but really. It doesn't matter what she was doing, you invaded her privacy. To me, that is a 100%, without question, relationship deal breaker.

[Bobby.Roy]

@paladin: Yes, i understand exactly what you are saying. It is very hard for me not to talk to her or contact her, specially when we were so close and we used to meet almost everyday.

 

But as things are right now, i am not in contact with her. She did call me late last night and i repeated the exact same words to her, though i was feeling very bad deep down inside.

 

I just get so depressed and sad thinking that what that guy would do to her (physically use her and all), moreover, i know, perhap someday that guy would move on to some other woman and i just care for her too much to let something of this sort happen to her. I understand very well, that she is a mature girl (age-wise and mentally, even) but i just worry/care for her so much, this love won't die ever.

 

Anyways, thanks for your opinion guys. I am still hopeful/positive somewhere inside and i will love her till my last breath.

 

@sedgwick: Actually, we have always shared absolutely everything with each other, so it was but natural to feel that she was hiding something when she totally rejected, when i asked her to show her cell-phone. As for the privacy part, in such a long and true relationship, even privacy should not come in between and it was this way until that very day when i realized what was going on behind my back and i am atleast relieved that i found out sooner rather than later. Who knows, if i wouldn't have found this out that day, it would all have been going around till this day! Now, THAT is even scarier..

[Green]

missery loves company, so I'll just let you know that when stuff like this happens to me I always get really bummed.

[Bobby.Roy]

She called last night to ask how am i doing and all. She also said that she knows that i had clearly told her not to call me until and unless she has broken up all ties with that guy, but yet she called, because she says she was missing me and just wanted to hear my voice.

 

Still, i told her the same thing again and i also told her that i love her very much but i just cannot see her going around with some other guy and she should only call me when she feels she can talk about OUR relationship. Though it hurt like anything to say something so harsh and rude to her (because i have seldom being rude to her in all these years), but i feel it is the right thing to do because talking to her without any conclusion, any solid base would be like sending a wrong signal to her whereby she might just think that i am perfectly okay to be "just friends" and all!

 

I really don't know what am i doing or anything, i am just so worried about her..Miss her like anything! :( I just wish and hope, perhaps, someday we get back together yet again..I wish..

[Bobby.Roy]

Though i do not expect any calls or messages from her, but somewhere deep down inside, i am very worried about her - about what she must be doing right now, whether she is with that guy right now, what they might be doing..

 

Damn it! Why did she do something like this after such a long time..I still love her so very much..

[Bobby.Roy]

Its been real difficult - this NC..****! I love her and want her back so very much.. :( Why did she do something like this, is really beyond me..

[vivrantflo]

If someone did this to me, that alone would be enough to make me lose respect for them and leave. No offense, but really. It doesn't matter what she was doing, you invaded her privacy. To me, that is a 100%, without question, relationship deal breaker.

 

 

Right Sedgwick... he was wrong to act on his suspicisions and expose her as an emotional cheat... how can you turn the tables on Bobby???

 

Whatever.....

 

 

Bobby, I've never been in a relationship that long, so I can only imagine the pain and hurt. But you have been advised to enforce NC, and really that is for the best.

 

Allow her to sit in the decision she has made, and ignore her phone calls and attempts at contact. She misses your voice?? Well, no one asked her to leave.. she left on her own. She doesn't deserve to hear your voice and have HER selfish needs satisfied by contacting you.

 

Damn bro, I know it's hard.. but try your best to not have any contact with her.. at all.. the only time you should be willing to talk to her, is if she admits to messing up, and she wants to talk about reconciliation.. anything else, is just going prolong your pain.

 

I know it kills right now.. but NC is the very first step towards healing...be strong man

[Green]

on top of NC u need to activly choose not to think about it. Things that will be easy are not starting any more threads about this for atleast a month, not writing or talking about this. and If you catch yourself thinking about this try as hard as you can to stop, or busy yourself with a movie or something you should be doing like home work or what ever.

[Bobby.Roy]

She called just now, i didn't pick up..I just sent a SMS which said - "Call me ONLY when you think you are ready to talk about OUR love, OUR relationship.." After that, she hasnt called or SMSed yet..

[Lostgurl]

She called just now, i didn't pick up..I just sent a SMS which said - "Call me ONLY when you think you are ready to talk about OUR love, OUR relationship.." After that, she hasnt called or SMSed yet..

You are putting yourself on the backburner here. Giving her an advantage.

 

When she reads your message, she'll think that she can screw around with the other guy as long as she wants, and you'll always be there, waiting for her to come to her senses and talk about your relationship.

[Bobby.Roy]

You are putting yourself on the backburner here. Giving her an advantage.

 

When she reads your message, she'll think that she can screw around with the other guy as long as she wants, and you'll always be there, waiting for her to come to her senses and talk about your relationship.

Really? Then what should i do? I would absolutely give anything to have her back but i do not want to break all contacts with her..I mean, i just want her to know that i am there for her..

 

Is this wrong? I dont know what should i do..I guess, i am going crazy..

[Bobby.Roy]

@ No Foolin: Your opinion would be greatly appreciated..Please..Help!

[paladin1]

If someone did this to me, that alone would be enough to make me lose respect for them and leave. No offense, but really. It doesn't matter what she was doing, you invaded her privacy. To me, that is a 100%, without question, relationship deal breaker.

 

Sedg; I understand respect for another's privacy is important. Not to hijack, but I wonder if your opinion would be the same in my circumstance. My GF of 4.5 years basically became distanced, depressed (over weight gain, finances, etc); began going to the gym more often, became secretive...and denied anything was wrong or happening despite talking much more often of a new guy (coincidentally enough worked at the gym). Beleived her, tried to work on helping her through the hard time, but was concerned about the increasing emotional distancing.

Walked by her phone one night, saw a text from him. Never had done this in 4.5 years, or in any other relationship, but picked up her phone and looked. Before I did I told myself that, had it been innocuous, I would tell her what I had done and why and beg her forgiveness; but all the signs of something I dreaded to see were there.

Long story short, I was right. Found numerous sexually explicit messages. Confronted her. Story continues from there, but involves me forgiving her, after her begging and apologizing. Then her leaving one month later, and beginning to date him within a week. Posted elsewhere if you'd care to read it. Her reason given to mutual friends? I looked at her phone and invaded her privacy. No mention of the cheating.

Perhaps I was wrong, but what other option did I have? The patent answer would be leave based on one's suspicions alone, as if the trust is gone to the point where one must invade another's privacy then the relationship is going poorly as it is. However, it was impossible to justify to myself leaving the woman I loved with all my heart for a suspicion that may have been only in MY head; thus I needed some sort of confirmation.

 

Please, sedg, respond. Your honest opinion. From a woman's perspective. Was it justified in that it was correct, and I discovered the affair? Or was it so inherent of a breach of trust that I shattered any hope of resolving the physical and emotional affair she was having, and justified her leaving me for him.

 

Thanks in advance; and apologies to OP for the hijacking

[Sfbaygirl415]

My personal opinion.. having a "scuffle" and forcing the phone out of anyone's hands is not acceptable. I understand you were looking for answers and truth, but that definitely was NOT the right way to go about it. The fact that she didn't want to show you her phone was enough to raise your suspiscion(sp?). This sounds like controlling behavior to me. Being someone who's been in an abusive and controlling relationship before, this is definitely a red flag. I'm not saying you're abusive, I'm simply saying your reaction was controlling and unacceptable in my book. The fact that some of you are ok with his "scuffle" and we're discussing the validity of this is astounding. You're not her owner and neither does she own you. You want her to respect you yet you don't respect her. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

On the other hand, I'm sorry you're in pain and going through all this. In an ideal world, your gf would've been honest with you and respected your feelings. It sounds as though there's trust and control issues going on there and being that you've been together for so long, I'd suggest you see a counselor. If she's not willing to go, then my suggestion is for you to see one on your own for your own sanity and help. I'm not here to bash you or bring you down, I'm simply telling you my opinion from and outside perspective. Only you know all the details and you make your own decisions. Be strong and focus on YOU. This is easier said than done but it's the best medicine.

[vivrantflo]

My personal opinion.. having a "scuffle" and forcing the phone out of anyone's hands is not acceptable. I understand you were looking for answers and truth, but that definitely was NOT the right way to go about it. The fact that she didn't want to show you her phone was enough to raise your suspiscion(sp?). This sounds like controlling behavior to me. Being someone who's been in an abusive and controlling relationship before, this is definitely a red flag. I'm not saying you're abusive, I'm simply saying your reaction was controlling and unacceptable in my book. The fact that some of you are ok with his "scuffle" and we're discussing the validity of this is astounding. You're not her owner and neither does she own you. You want her to respect you yet you don't respect her. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Controlling??

 

Ok, so if you were his shoes.. how would you go about finding out the truth?? She's proven to be a liar, so asking her (like he already did) wasn't going to get the truth out.. so he literally took it into his own hands..

 

Sorry that you were abused, but that has nothing to do with this. If you were with someone for THAT long.. and you're 95% sure she's messing around.. you ask her whats up, and she LIES.. Then grabbing the damn phone out of her hand to find out the truth is NOT bad.. especially since she didn't have the respect/comittment/love/maturity to admit that she was having an emotional affair when he INITIALLY asked...

 

You people are out of line to turn this thread into an attack on Bobby's character. HE came on here to talk about his cheating partner! SHE didn't come on here to complain about her BF grabbing her phone and exposing her for the lying cheat she is.

 

Give it a rest.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Uh.. am I the only one here who sees something wrong with this post? Correct me if I'm wrong, u guys are posting on a public site where various people are going to post THEIR own personal opinions right?

 

Taking things "into your own hands" as you mentioned doesn't justify a wrong doing. I never said my posting was about ME ..I only stated that this person's actions were controlling. If YOU did all you could in this relationship and the other person was a coward, lied, and cheated.. then I think you have all the answers you already need.

 

And btw, I did give a suggestion.. go to counsling if you think this relationship can be saved. But remember.. you can't force the other person to go to counseling just like you can't force them to do anything else. People have to want to get help in order to get better. Take care of YOU. good luck..

[vivrantflo]

Uh.. am I the only one here who sees something wrong with this post? Correct me if I'm wrong, u guys are posting on a public site where various people are going to post THEIR own personal opinions right?

 

Right. You posted your opinion.. and then I posted mine.

 

 

If YOU did all you could in this relationship and the other person was a coward, lied, and cheated.. then I think you have all the answers you already need.

 

How was he supposed to know that she is a "coward/liar/cheater" if he didn't look in her phone?? He didn't find out she is a coward/liar/cheater UNTIL he grabbed her phone and looked in it. If my woman of 8 years was all of a sudden shady about her phone, of course my emotions will run wild and I'll want to look in it. ESPECIALLY if she's hiding it, and I already have a notion that there's another guy.

 

 

The majority of my irritation stems from the fact that the other female poster, made a comment that wasnt beneficial towards the original poster.. it was a knock against him. Wasnt really appropriate since he joined this site looking for advice on what to do with his cheating girlfriend.

[Bobby.Roy]

I know, it was wrong on my part to have forced her to show her cell phone, messages, etc. But our relationship was so free and frank that we used to share literally everything with each other, till the time this guy came in between.

 

May be i trusted them both so much that in-turn they hurt me so bad. I even asked her a million times whether she has started liking/loving that guy, and each time she would say he was just a mutual friend, that's all.

 

That day, when i took her cell phone in my hand, she resisted so much that it was but natural for me to suspect her. I just wanted the truth from her and she hid all this from me. I even told her that this is wrong - when one is in a relationship, how can she/he be in another affair. She aplogised to me and we made up for it the very next day.

 

She even said she would break all contacts with that guy and would be busy and all, so that she can help forget these things and i really appreciated this effort of hers. But then after 3-4 days, she again tells me how she has been thinking about that guy and they have even talked over the phone and all.

 

I am a VERY tolerant and calm guy, and i have LOADS of patience. I still tried to get her out of this, she understood all that i had to say and still at the end she would say she likes that guy very much. What's intriguing is, she also says that she loves ME very much and she wouldn't want to lose me but she doesn't see our relationship working.

 

Then about 4-5 days ago, she finally called me and told what i was absolutely petrified to hear (but i knew this day would come). She told me - "Bobby, i do not want to keep you hanging in between like this, i have very very strong feelings for that guy..." Coming from her, it meant something to me because i know the kind of girl she is.

 

This shook my world, i told her - "If you feel he can keep you happy, he can love you more than me, then its better you go with him. I want your happiness and nothing else..." She then asked - "Can't we even be friends..?" I told her straight away - "No, we can't..Do you think we can be friends after all these years?" To which, she also replied - "No.."

 

That was that, end of everything. But i still wonder, why did she call me (twice already), since the past 5-6 days that we broke up. She just says that she wanted to know how i am, and that she wanted to hear my voice and all. This hurts even more, knowing that she is with someone else, still she is calling me to ask how i am!!?? How am i supposed to be?

 

I straight away told her not to contact me in any way, not atleast till the time she has contacts with her. I also told her that i have always loved her, i still love her but this is not done. She can't have best of both worlds.

 

Its been a couple of days since she called last. This is absolutely heart-breaking and HARD as hell, but i believe no contact is the only way i can move forward. I don't see her coming back to me, frankly, not in the near future anyways. But i still have hope, that perhaps someday she would want to be together again.

 

I dont know why she went with that guy. He is a womainzer, he will use her and all. She knows every fact about that person, still she likes him, she says. Anyways, the main thing which matters for me is she doesn't feel the same for me. And when a girl says something like that, one cannot change her heart, no matter what.

 

NC is the way for me, right now, i know but its real tough and i just pray to God each night (and day), to take care of her and bring her back to me...Perhaps, someday...

[Sfbaygirl415]

Oh Bobby.. you deserve so much better than this. You've been more than understanding and patient, you've been honest and upfront, I don't think there's really anything else you can do aside from setting her "free" and allowing her to learn on her own. Unfortunately sometimes we all learn the hard way. It sounds to me like this girl is confused. She wants to have other experiences yet she doesn't want to lose you completely. This is so unfair for you, you deserve more than to be someone's back-up!

 

My guess is that she'll go off with this guy, he'll hurt her, and then she'll come back to you. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to allow yourself to be vulnerable to this type of situation. Will you be able to trust her? It's like that saying goes.. hurt me once.. shame on you.. hurt me twice.. shame on me.

 

I've seen people in this type of situation before and let me tell you, she's not going to change. If it happens once, it'll happen again... and why? because she needs lots of time to mature and live her life. How old are the two of u if you don't mind my asking???

[Bobby.Roy]

It sounds to me like this girl is confused. She wants to have other experiences yet she doesn't want to lose you completely. This is so unfair for you, you deserve more than to be someone's back-up!

 

So true, this she herself has told me so many times, that she is confused as what she wants to do. My reply always has been if she would've been in love with me, TRULY, she wouldn't have let something like this happen in the first place. But i still love her and care for her more than anything else in this whole world. She is the only girl whom i have loved since the time i can remember.

 

I am just so shocked that someone like her can do something like this. She knows how much i love her (and loved her since the past 8 years) and inspite of knowing that, that guy will probably use her and hurt her, she is still going towards him. Nothing is much more hurting than something like this.

 

My guess is that she'll go off with this guy, he'll hurt her, and then she'll come back to you. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to allow yourself to be vulnerable to this type of situation. Will you be able to trust her? It's like that saying goes.. hurt me once.. shame on you.. hurt me twice.. shame on me.

 

I also feel the same Sfbaygirl, that for the time being (for now), she has gone with him, probably some months down the line, he will hurt her and then she might want to come back to me ( a back-up, a fall back option)..I really want her back AT THIS POINT OF TIME but i really do not know what will happen WHEN and IF eventually she wants to come back.. That, only time will tell...

 

I've seen people in this type of situation before and let me tell you, she's not going to change. If it happens once, it'll happen again... and why? because she needs lots of time to mature and live her life.

 

I know, if she has done it once, she might just do it again but i dont know why i still love her, still am ready to trust her/ believe her..God! Why do i love her so much, i really don't know..

 

How old are the two of u if you don't mind my asking???

 

I am 25, and she is 27...While that guy is 40, with a 10 year old child and a divorcee and one who loves to lure women, impress them just to play with their emotions for some time before finally getting them on the bed and have their lives ruined..

 

Damn! I just care for her so much to let something like this happen to her, but i guess she is matured enough to know all this and take care for her.

 

I really dont know where my life is taking me but for the time being NC it is..But, it just kills me NOT to answer her calls, but i am trying HARD to be strong and i still am very much optimistic regarding my pathetic situation...

[Bobby.Roy]

I am utterly confused about one thing..

 

My birthday is coming up next week (April, 1st week)..If she calls, then should i accept the call (and her wishes)..Or do i doesn't even receive her call (since i am on NC)?? I don't really want to avoid her call on my birthday, atleast but then, i am not so sure what i should do..Please advice..

 

If she texts, then i will just send a "Thank you" message back, but what if she calls???

[Bobby.Roy]

I am utterly confused about one thing..

 

My birthday is coming up next week (April, 1st week)..If she calls, then should i accept the call (and her wishes)..Or do i doesn't even receive her call (since i am on NC)?? I don't really want to avoid her call on my birthday, atleast but then, i am not so sure what i should do..Please advice..

 

If she texts, then i will just send a "Thank you" message back, but what if she calls???

Please help me..

[Bobby.Roy]

Please help me..

Please help me..