Chanke4252 Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 (edited) Bobby, if she is calling you and not leaving messages she is testing the water and or looking for some relief. That means either validation that she made the right decision or proof that she made the wrong decision. The bottom line is that when people have something important to say, they leave a message. If you want her back then do not answer these calls. The good thing is that one of the best approaches to take is one that will both help you win her back, and help you get over her and move on with your life. It is kind of a strange concept if you think about it. 1. do not let her back in or make yourself vulnerable to her in this situation. you want to show her that you do not need her to be happy, even if it isn't entirely true at the moment. 2. do not call her back if she doesn't leave a message 3. if she does leave a message, do not respond eagerly. even at this point it is still a shaky situation and she can change her mind very easily still. 4. go out and have some fun to distract yourself and help get your social life going again now that you are single. during a recent breakup out of a long term relationship I started to hit bars that I haven't been to before solo and talking to everyone I could. I am normally very shy and this is completely out of character, but because of that I also found it to be a huge change of pace and I met some cool people. Your version of this may be a little different. Basically, try new things, it can be invigorating and remind you that you are alive and can still enjoy live. 5. go on dates, hang out with women, and drop hints to her friends (if you talk to any of them )about doing just that, but without being too obvious that you are dropping hints. As stated above, she will be insanely jealous, but you will also be getting back out there at the same time. My last long-term gf was actually a rebound, so dating while you are still getting over someone doesn't necessarily doom a relationship to failure any more than normal. There is no downside here really as you are just living your life. Do not talk about her with the women you go out with, for their and your sake. they may not respond favorably, hah. But also don't get more involved than you are comfortable with as you can hurt people if you aren't too careful. 6. do not give her an open window to come back as soon as she is no longer with the guy, because she will take advantage of it if it means she can feel better even shortly, and you pay the consequences for that. let her know that you might (as in a big maybe) take her back, but that you probably wouldn't. this will ensure that she will still call if she decides against the other guy, but that she knows that it is not a sure thing and that the odds are not in her favor (even if that isn't totally true). Basically just live your life and get out there. If she catches wind that you are doing really well then you just shot up a few places in her book. If it doesn't work out that way then you're just faking it till you make it (which works). Consider the fact that most relationships fail very soon after they start. Taking that as well as what you say about the guy she is dating into account, well it seems like the odds are in your favor, but try not to think about that as it can distract you from your exercise in "living". I would be very careful with her if it you do get back together though given that she cheated on you and tried to lie about it. People generally do not change, especially their patterns of behavior. It will take a lot of work to trust her again, and the increased suspicion can be a death sentence if you don't keep it in check. You will be exposing yourself again to the possibility of something very similar happening. You are doing a great job so far from what you are telling us. Stay strong and try to live your life. You will feel better about things in time. You'll notice that you don't cry about it as much, or that you haven't thought about her for a couple days. It's very gradual and easy to miss, but you will feel better. I hope everything works out the way you would like it to, just be prepared for it not to so you don't get sucked back down and get really depressed all over again. Edited April 1, 2008 by Chanke4252 Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Bobby, you're wasting your time. Your pain and torture is so real on this page it makes ME ache and I'm not involved with it. You need to stop. You need to switch your focus. You need to focus on YOU. Not her. She's not there anymore. Not only did she disrespect you by cheating but she willingly HURT you in addition to that by severing the bond you had and walked away. There is no recovering from that kind of damage in my experience. The best way to get over it is to completely ... and I mean COMPLETELY... sever ALL avenues of contact. Email, phones, friends, drive-bys, smoke signals ... ensure there is ZIP, NADA, ZILCH to bring you back to her. Secondly you need to remove ALL traces of her physical presence in your life - every single last thing she gave you, emails, messages, photos - everything. Archive it, pack it in a box and shelve it. Thirdly, change your place around. Move pictures, furniture, ornaments... anything which will create new sensory pathways. Final thing, allow yourself one last night of wallowing and weeping. After that, realise that she isn't coming back. Every single time you wish to call her, or speak to her, see her or touch her... remind yourself that she left... she left and she isn't coming back. Every single time - say that to yourself. Without fail. I also like the calendar suggestion and quantifying your good and bad days. You will see that as time passes, the days chalked up as 'gotten through it' with an X will be more frequent than the sad days... and eventually you'll be able to include smiley days. Bobby, seriously... you need to do this... cos she's gonna break you if you don't. It's not easy. But you really have to stop it from inside... as much as you don't want to. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 I am not assuming or expecting ANYTHING from her, dont know why..I feel angry on her, on whatever she did while earlier i used to feel a deep sense of depression and sadness. Though i still feel depressed but this anger is more these days, wonder why..Anyways, i sure am moving on with my life - work, gym, home with family and friends.. I hope i can get out of all this someday... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Here we go again - after 2 days, again she called today, just a little while back - just once! NC it is - so i did not answer.. Whoa! What's happening with this girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Chanke4252 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) I am not assuming or expecting ANYTHING from her, dont know why..I feel angry on her, on whatever she did while earlier i used to feel a deep sense of depression and sadness. Though i still feel depressed but this anger is more these days, wonder why..Anyways, i sure am moving on with my life - work, gym, home with family and friends.. I hope i can get out of all this someday... It's natural to feel angry. You may wobble back and forth a few times. You're basically mourning the relationship (hop on google and read about the stages of mourning/grief). Kind of a weird idea to think about. Sometimes to get over someone you have to focus on their negatives to force yourself to fall out of love with them (which we often have to do to keep our sanity). This will probably make you slightly angry as well, and you may already just naturally be doing this from what it sounds like. It's really a sad idea imo and something that I have felt resentful towards an ex for forcing me to do in the past. Stay strong, go out and have some fun if you can and try to stay active. Once you've sobered up from the situation you could probably talk to her to figure it out if you are still curious about what her deal was (if the situation does not end in a reconciliation), but once you sober up you probably won't care quite as much to find out. When it comes down to it you know better than anyone here what you should do in this situation. Consider the advice that is given here, but make sure you think critically and give yourself the final word and decision rather than just taking advice blindly. I think you are doing this already (being smart about this whole thing), but I just wanted to mention it. Edited April 2, 2008 by Chanke4252 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Thanks Chanke for that insight..Yes, i guess anger is natural..Anyways, whatever happens in the future (reconcilation or we part ways), its best to stay NC but these calls (every alternate days/2-3 days) just kind of takes me down the memory lane.. Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Cool - what do you write? I work in TV/film - just starting shoot a week on Monday for a new series so enjoying my last week of not being exhausted! If you're freelance writing do you end up spending a lot of time on your own? That's great that your brother knows all about your situation - do you guys hang out? Is he being supportive? What does he think about it all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 Cool - what do you write? I work in TV/film - just starting shoot a week on Monday for a new series so enjoying my last week of not being exhausted! If you're freelance writing do you end up spending a lot of time on your own? That's great that your brother knows all about your situation - do you guys hang out? Is he being supportive? What does he think about it all? I basically write for the travel industry and all, and its good fun..Loving it! Well, my brother has been extremely supportive about all this, at first, he obviously, like everyone else (my close friends who knew her) was shocked because no-one could ever believe that a girl like her could do something like this.. But now, i guess, all this is beginning to set in..Perhaps, a day will come when all this won't effect me so badly as it does these days.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 Today is 4th of April - my birthday..And what a gift my girl-friend has given me - A broken heart.. :( Link to post Share on other sites
Prosecco Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 mmm - I was dumped a week before my birthday. That wasn't fun, I can assure you... Especially since for various reasons, I've been dreading my 25th. Instead of having an amazing time... well... yeah. MUCH sympathy. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Stop feeling so sorry for yourself - if the pathetic image you're presenting here is the one you project to the outside world you've got big problems. Maybe try being positive for one tiny second? Misery breeds misery you know, and you don't seem to be trying very hard to get out of this. On the contrary, you seem to want to obsess about her and obsess and feel sorry for yourself and have everyone else do the same. So you were dumped - happens to everyone! And even if she cheated on you (which I assume must be the awful thing 'a girl like her' shouldn't have done) you have to pick yourself up and move on - you're sounding like someone who enjoys all the attention this break-up is bringing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chanke4252 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Stop feeling so sorry for yourself - if the pathetic image you're presenting here is the one you project to the outside world you've got big problems. Maybe try being positive for one tiny second? Misery breeds misery you know, and you don't seem to be trying very hard to get out of this. On the contrary, you seem to want to obsess about her and obsess and feel sorry for yourself and have everyone else do the same. So you were dumped - happens to everyone! And even if she cheated on you (which I assume must be the awful thing 'a girl like her' shouldn't have done) you have to pick yourself up and move on - you're sounding like someone who enjoys all the attention this break-up is bringing you. If this were a few weeks or months down the road you may be right, and I'm not trying to encourage him to be depressed, but seriously, be realistic in your criticism please. 8 years is a long time and the same logic that you might use when you are trying to get over a girl you've been with for 6 months or something just doesn't apply at all right now. You sound like you have never been on the receiving end of something like what the OP has gone through and have no idea what you are talking about. Even if you have, you should really try to remember what it was like for you. It's natural to feel this way at first, and it's incredibly hard to just "pick yourself up and move on" before you are ready to. It is not fun OR easy to have to completely change the way you think and how you see your life given that after 8 years you probably saw her as a pretty stable and important part of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
stoneymirror Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 I have to agree with macon a little. Bobby you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Whether you're coming out of an 8 yr or 6 mo relationship has nothing to do with how Bobby is handling the issue. I know this sorta stuff is really hard to go through, but it's only as difficult as you make it. It seems like Bobby is moving towards the right direction, which is great but it seems like he's taking one step forward and then one back. Stop obsessing about the issue and do something. Get a hobby. Go to the bars, anything. The more you dwell on this the longer it's gonna take to get over it. Good luck bobby, but you need to really start forgetting about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 I feel stronger today, i feel a sense of empowerment.. You know what happened. In the morning, she msgd me - "Happy Birthday Bobby.." but i didnt respond. Then one of her colleague, she msgd me - "Wish you a happy birthday Bobby.." and i replied - "Thanks for the lovely wishes, really appreciate it.." And then SHE messages - "Please pick up my call.." and then calls me twice but i don't reply..!! She must have been furious with me or something because after calling me twice she msgs - "I never expected that you could be so rude. Anyways, i just wanted to wish you but i guess you have time to reply to others except me, This is the last time you are hearing from me and i promise i'll never call or msg you anymore..I wish you a happy birthday and have a happy life. I'll always pray for that. Bye, take care.." This last msg of her sounds like i am the one who is at fault here, i am the one who dumped her! Ha! This is ridiculous..I am sure she is furious because i replied to her friend and not to her.. But i dont feel that much sadness even after reading this msg of hers..Instead i feel a strange "power" inside me that i had the will power to do all this and even smile after this! She says - "You have time to reply to 'others' "..Ha! The day she dumped me, she has also come in this "others" category..!! Anyways, i just wanted to share this with everyone on LS..I dont know what this msg means, or whether she really meant it or it was out of a spur of the moment thing, and neiither do i want to find out anymore!! Link to post Share on other sites
NickP Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 haha!! it's great hearing that!! you're doing pretty good dude keep it up! she DEFINITELY WITHOUT A DOUBT deserves that treatment from you. she was being patronising. the last damn thing ANYONE wants is to be wished a happy ****in birthday by their ex who broke their heart!!!! do concentrate on going through this NC for yourself though and not just to frustrate herr, cos if you're doing it just to frustrate her, you're going to get disappointed if she does keep to her word and doesn't get in touch with you anymore. remember, this NC period is for you to build a future without her and i hope you're doing just that ! Link to post Share on other sites
Chanke4252 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 she sounds frustrated that she can't have her cake and eat it too. i'd probably be willing to be she'll call again and that this isn't the last of it by the sound of things. i hate this type of situation because it's almost like some people think that if they talk to you about it or whatever that they somehow think they sidestep having to deal with the consequences of their actions, then they get mad when it doesn't work out that way. it's a learning experience i'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 it's almost like some people think that if they talk to you about it or whatever that they somehow think they sidestep having to deal with the consequences of their actions, then they get mad when it doesn't work out that way. This is absolutely true, but you know her present boyfriend also msgd me a little while back - "Happy birthday from the man that you detest so much now. My wishes will always be there for you.." I mean, how shameless can people be..This is just so ridiculous! What is he thinking? Ha! I feel like laughing out loud!! Link to post Share on other sites
NickP Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 her present boyfriend also msgd me a little while back - "Happy birthday from the man that you detest so much now. My wishes will always be there for you.." I mean, how shameless can people be..This is just so ridiculous! What is he thinking? Ha! I feel like laughing out loud!! he's a twat! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 he's a twat! Doesn't matter what the f**k he is..But this is just so not done, HE msging me "Happy Birthday"..!! Where is the "self-respect" and "dignity" of people, these days? He WAS a friend, now its all over..Ha! I just can't stop feeling funny about all this.. A few days back, i would've surely felt very sad and probably would've cried my heart out after i read my ex's msg but todady, i feel strange - powerful, if u may call it that and it sure feels good..!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chanke4252 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 people are tards sometimes, consider yourself lucky to be rid of both of them. when someone lets me down in a situation like this I am always thankful that it was in a situation like this and not in a situation where I ACTUALLY needed them, like something work-related or life and death. it was almost like a test and they just failed. now you know how they really are. that's how i see it anyway. but, it is funny, laugh, and laugh hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 My day was good today..Went out with 3-4 close friends and had a good time generally, eating, playing video games and enjoying.. Though her thoughts did come to my mind time and again but it was not as depressing or sad as it has been since the past few days.. Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Have you actually read any of my other posts on here? Bobby has received a lot of wonderful advice and a lot of support from all of us here. I personally think that this forum is becoming detrimental for him because he's just using it to obsess and talk about her - 'keeping the dream alive' as it were. And yes I have been on the receiving end thank you - big style - if you'd read any of my other posts you'd know I liken that feeling of hopelessness to the 'black pit' which you don't think you can get out of. So I am offering advice from experience and I really think that wallowing this intensely is extremely detrimental. Please read previous posts before you rush to slam someone else's advice and personal experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 5, 2008 Author Share Posted April 5, 2008 Ahh! Damn..I was feeling good yesterday, but then i saw her in my dreams last night and today i cannot help but think about her, get sad! I just dont stop thinking and wondering what they (the two of them) might be doing together (kissing, cuddling, having sex even!)..****! This hurts so bad.. Ahhh!! Why do we dream about our exes.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 6, 2008 Author Share Posted April 6, 2008 Its been one month of NC today from my side..Though she has tried to contact me a few times in these days, but since the past 3 days she hasn't contacted me in ANY WAY. I have progressed in this 1 month, i believe. I still think of her, and even cry my heart out but only sometimes. It is not as hard as it was a month back, when all this happened. I still wonder sometimes, as to what she might be doing and are they having sex and roaming around (and what not), but its definitely not as bad as it was a month back. NC really helps only if you want to help yourself. If i would've kept any kind of contact with her, just to feel good WHEN i talked with her, that would've hurt me forever. NC is the best way when there is a break-up; whatever the future holds for the relationship, i am conituning this NC thing coz i want this pain and this terrible depression to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Issues & tissues Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 Keep going Bobby. Don't look back. You are doing just fine. You have come a long way and just reading your posts is really very encouraging. Good to know we are not alone! Link to post Share on other sites
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