Very depressed - need some serious suggestions...

[stoneymirror]

You need to take a breather. Get out for an evening after work with a friend and try to forget things for a while. Even if it's 15 minutes that you don't think about it. You're on the road to recovery. You're going through a really tough time, but you have a choice to dwell on the situation or move on. You can think about things over and over again, but it's a circle and there's no end. Of course this is easier said than done, but you need to realize this ex of yours was and has created a lot of damage. This is something that would happen over and over again even if you were back together. So is this something you want to experience again and again. Probably not. Don't contact her in any way. The sooner you can let go the better. I know it feels impossible, but you need to be confident. This is just a huge test, you're gonna be challenged, but the reward of getting over this will be greater once it's completed.

[Sfbaygirl415]

Hi Bobby..

 

There's a few parallels in your situation compared to mine. I was married for a long time and separated from my husband after 12 yrs. His feelings were similar to yours and I remember him saying he couldn't believe I was moving on with my life and dating someone else already. The man I dated has a 8 yr old and he's 40. He used me.. broke my heart and left me pregnant. My ex was there for me.. he still is now. He still wants to be with me but I think we've just grown apart. I'm still out there dating and living my life (remember I told u your ex would probably end up coming to you and then leaving again to experience things again? I speak from personal experience).

 

Anyhow, it so happens that the guy I dated last (the one I've been posting about) is also 40. He too broke my heart and I'm doing my best to move forward. I really think your ex needs to experience the good/bad parts of life. Afterall, you two were together since she was 19. You're not the same person you were when you got together.. she's older now as you are too. People unfortunately grow apart or feel that they need to "break free" to experience life after being in young long relationships. I know this isn't what you want to hear.. but I'm hoping to shed some light for you on what she must be feeling too because I'm experiencing it now.

 

I'll always love my ex husband.. and it's harder for us, we have 4 kids together. In my personal opinion.. you need to experience your own life too. If way down the road you both decide to give things a shot.. then go for it. But right now you both need your space.. you need to live your own lives. I'm worried for YOU because I know you're hurting and I know it's not easy. But you can't put yourself on hold for her.. you can't let her bounce back to you like a rubberband either for whenever she's feeling lonely. Take care of YOU Bobby.. YOU deserve it.

 

In regards to your birthday, I'd let her leave a voicemail. If she texts you. I'd text her several hours later saying thank u.. but that's it. SOunds like you're looking for reasons to talk to her.. I think it's in YOUR best interest to stay in the NC zone the most you can. Oh.. funny enough.. my ex bf's b-day is the 1st week of April too. I've been the one debating whether or not to contact him. You see the similarities here? lol

 

Take care of yourself Bobby.. you can do it.

[Bobby.Roy]

Sfbaygirl: Thanks for that wonderful insights..Yes, i am still in love with her tremendously inspite of the whole episode..But, i just dont understand how can she just "forget" all that has happened in the past between us for so long?

 

I am still shocked that the girl who loved me so much, could do something like this. I know with age and time, people change but that girl loved me so god-damn much..I just cant believe all this happened so fast..

 

She also knows the fact that guy will probably hurt her some days/months down the line, use her and all but i just dont understand why even then, she likes him so much? She knows that he has played with other girls, she knows everything still she says she has strong "feelings" for him..I really dont understand what these "feelings" are but if she thinks she wants to "experience" other things, then its not right on her part, i feel..

 

All i wanted from her was love and committment, that's it.. Anyways..I just hope that we can perhaps, work it out someday in the future..As far as birthday is concerned, if she texts me, i will reply her back with a simple - "Thank you" message..I just love and care for her too much to avoid her message..

 

But, yes, i guess you are true when you say that perhaps somewhere deep down inside i keep waiting for her call/message although i initiated NC some days back and its been about 3 days now, that she last called..I just hope she is okay and doing well for her..All i want is her happiness..

 

God, why does one need to go through all this after such a long relationship..?? Here i was 100 percent sure of getting married to her by September-October and here i am - terribly heart-broken and absolutely shattered - by the ONE and ONLY love of my life! Damn!

[stoneymirror]

Bobby, you're feelings are very normal. But I wouldn't hold out for her. Really it's not going to be any better 1 month from now, or 5 years from now. Trust me, I got back together with a girl after 8 years, and it only took me 2 months to figure out she wasn't the one. If things are that messed up right now, and you're totally out of control over what happens, then you have to realize this and try to move on. You can't win her back, atleast right now, and even if you could lets say 3 months from now. Do you really want to be with someone who walks out on you at the drop of a hat? No you don't. I know first loves are probably the hardest to get over. cause it's the first time you've ever had to experience this sort of loss, but I made the mistake years ago by never letting go. And I wound up thinking about it for years afterwards. It got me no where and only prevented me from ever moving on. I felt so heart broken that I couldn't and didn't even want to ever be in another relationship. But honesty you need to remember you have your own life. You need to start moving forward, even if that means one tiny step at a time. Set some goals for yourself and try to accomplish them each day. Trust me there's a million other women in this world who wouldn't treat you the way your ex did. Have some faith, remain optimistic, move forward, keep busy, don't dwell, don't get mad, don't have fear, relax and start making a little progress.

[Bobby.Roy]

Bobby, you're feelings are very normal. But I wouldn't hold out for her. Really it's not going to be any better 1 month from now, or 5 years from now. Trust me, I got back together with a girl after 8 years, and it only took me 2 months to figure out she wasn't the one. If things are that messed up right now, and you're totally out of control over what happens, then you have to realize this and try to move on. You can't win her back, atleast right now, and even if you could lets say 3 months from now. Do you really want to be with someone who walks out on you at the drop of a hat? No you don't. I know first loves are probably the hardest to get over. cause it's the first time you've ever had to experience this sort of loss, but I made the mistake years ago by never letting go. And I wound up thinking about it for years afterwards. It got me no where and only prevented me from ever moving on. I felt so heart broken that I couldn't and didn't even want to ever be in another relationship. But honesty you need to remember you have your own life. You need to start moving forward, even if that means one tiny step at a time. Set some goals for yourself and try to accomplish them each day. Trust me there's a million other women in this world who wouldn't treat you the way your ex did. Have some faith, remain optimistic, move forward, keep busy, don't dwell, don't get mad, don't have fear, relax and start making a little progress.

Thanks stoneymirror for that advice. Yes, i know i need to move on and i am seriously trying to. But when i get up in the morning(s), it is then that her thoughts suddenly capture my mind and i instantly feel the loss of her right from the morning till the night..

 

I try hard to sleep and i can only sleep if i just think about something which is not about/ related to her. I know SHE left me and not vice versa which means something - which probably means she DOES NOT want to be with me and i cannot force her to anything, that would not be good for me OR for her...

 

But even if she comes back at some point of time, is it sure, that she'll go back again? I mean, can't things be good AGAIN? Damn! This optimism will kill me one day, for sure...

[Quiksilver ca]

You need a hard kick to the groin!

 

Let yourself have a week of coping with the pain and whining and bitching and feeling sorry for yourself, then it's time to get back on your horse!

 

Chin up soldier! You can't win every battle, but to learn from a bad experience turns it into a success!

 

Buy a calendar and stick it on the wall in your room, X off all the days that you feel you did well. Put a sad face in all the days you felt like ****.

 

You MUST quantify your bad days so you can see what effect they are having on your life and wellbeing.

 

You must not allow your life to be consumed by one misfortune, however large.

 

Life is about learning, and you must be eager to learn. You must be WILLING to have it happen all over again for the sake of experience and learning.

 

I've been in bad breakups too, the first one was bad, and the third one was terrible. But I got over it within a week, because I was determined to do better the next time around!

 

Chin up!

[Lostgurl]

Really? Then what should i do? I would absolutely give anything to have her back but i do not want to break all contacts with her..I mean, i just want her to know that i am there for her..

 

Is this wrong? I dont know what should i do..I guess, i am going crazy..

no sweetie, your not going crazy, it's hard to stay away from the person you are in love with.

 

Back away and let her realize the mistake she is making. That's exactly what you need to do at this point. Don't call her, any contact will just drive her further away. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, remember?

[Bobby.Roy]

no sweetie, your not going crazy, it's hard to stay away from the person you are in love with.

 

Back away and let her realize the mistake she is making. That's exactly what you need to do at this point. Don't call her, any contact will just drive her further away. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, remember?

Can i just say, message her once in about 7-10 days? Just a simple message saying - "Hi, how are you? I hope you are okay, take care.."

[Sfbaygirl415]

You can be strong bobby.. NC NC NC! Why text her? What if she doesn't respond back? do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you'll be open to more heartache? Let HER come to you.. and when and if she does come to you.. act calm.. a bit elusive.. You don't want her to think u were waiting every minute of every day for her to contact u. That would be a huge mistake!

[Bobby.Roy]

You can be strong bobby.. NC NC NC! Why text her? What if she doesn't respond back? do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you'll be open to more heartache? Let HER come to you.. and when and if she does come to you.. act calm.. a bit elusive.. You don't want her to think u were waiting every minute of every day for her to contact u. That would be a huge mistake!

Okay, i get your point Sfbaygirl. I am trying hard to continue with my normal routine but it really is BLOODY tough..I have NEVER-EVER in my entire life felt something like this, a feeling so bad, a pain so terrible that you feel as if something is eating you from inside and you cannot do ANYTHING at all! Damn it..

 

But i am trying and NC it is for now, i just hope that everything turns out fine because these are really tough times and it takes REAL strength to move on (as i am finding out EACH DAY/ EACH MOMENT)..

[Walking away]

Bobby.Roy....

 

She is missing you because she has CHOSEN to miss you.

 

Remember that: If she wants you, she will fight for you. People don't let people they love go without a fight.

 

IGNORE HER. If she truly wants you back, she will make that clear to you.

 

Don't let her manipulate you. BE STRONG.

 

Let her experience life without you.

 

My heart is with you, my friend...

 

WA

[Bobby.Roy]

Just got a call from her, but did not answer it and she did not call (or msg) again..May be she called just to enquire how am i doing and all, which at that moment feels great, but the moment i hang up, feels really bad.. :(

 

I dont know why she called, whether she NEEDS something (as in she is in some kind of emergency or something.. ) but then, she could have called or msgd if she wanted to talk about OUR relationship or anything serious..But she didn't..

 

Damn! Seeing she is calling and still not answering it TAKES hell lot of strentgh, believe me!!

[Bobby.Roy]

Let HER come to you.. and when and if she does come to you.. act calm.. a bit elusive.. You don't want her to think u were waiting every minute of every day for her to contact u. That would be a huge mistake!

 

Why so, i dont understand..Please explain as i am really dumb when it comes to interpreting the messages..Sorry..

[Walking away]

Yes it does take strength to ignore her.

 

But, it is empowering.

 

Know that.

 

It is empowering.

 

She made her choice, not let her live it.

 

Congrats on your strength.

 

[Bobby.Roy]

Yes it does take strength to ignore her.

 

But, it is empowering.

 

Know that.

 

It is empowering.

 

She made her choice, not let her live it.

 

Congrats on your strength.

 

Yes, it does take hell lot of strength but i just wonder what did she want to say?

 

Is it something IMPORTANT like US or something else (which was important)? But then, if it was REALLY important she would've made repeated attempts to call or would have text msgd. me for sure, isn't it??

 

Damn, i am worried..

[Walking away]

DO NOT CALL HER BACK.

 

Only when the well runs dry will she begin to miss the water.

 

Let her sit in her stew.

 

She is testing you to see if you are still there.

 

Actually, it is a good sign.

 

Capitalize on it.

 

You are in her head...

 

WA

[stoneymirror]

Bobby, don't call her, don't pick up the phone or do anything to get in contact with her. If she ends up calling and calling I'd say text her a short msg after a week and that's it. Just give her a taste of what she's losing. You have to get it in her head that she's losing you. At this point she's testing you. she wants to reaffirm how easy it would be to get you back. You're her safety net in her eyes and she's going to abuse you unless you grab your ballz and stand up for yourself. Trust me, if you pick up and start pouring your heart out about how much you love her, her respect for you is going to go down the drain. But if you stick up for yourself, that's something she'll respect and want. Nobody wants to be with someone who's pathetic, it's just not attractive. It appears this NC is working and she's already realizing that she wants to talk, but you have to let her think about things for a long time. It appears she has some major problems knowing what she wants. You rush back into things, I guarantee you'll be back here on these forums in a month. Rome wasn't built in a day. Be patient, you might find out after a month you can do much better. and you'll be happy with your decision.

[Bobby.Roy]

Thanks for the opinion guys (and girls)..Yes, i know she IS still confused because even on the day when we broke up, she was continually saying - "I am so confused, what if i choose HIM and regret..??" To which i straight forward reply was - "You make a wrong choice, you lose me, forever!"

 

Guess, that is what is running through her mind or something, but yes, even after we broke up (a few days back), she has been calling me every alternate day or so, wonder why does she want to talk to ME now when she is with that guy? I even wonder whether they are even meeting or not..

 

Earlier, whenever she used to call, i ALWAYS answered it no matter how much busy i was, but now that i am not answering her call, is there any chance that she is missing me? I really hope so..But my confusion is, if she likes/loves that guy, then why is she missing me? Guess, because of the absolutely wonderful 'comfort-level' that we shared, is it? Or is there something more that meets the eye here?

 

I dont know whether she is "testing the waters" or not because she is a very simple girl, i might even call her a little dumb when it comes to playing "games" and all, but yes, i guess somewhere deep down inside she is unsure whether she REALLY took the wise decision by choosing him over such a old and trusted relationship..

 

I dont know whether this would work out or not in the future, but for now, yes it is NC..And i do not think she would contact me again, but you never know..

 

:(

[stoneymirror]

Just want to say it appears you're doing much better than just the other day. congrats you're on your way to recovery. Some days are good, some are bad. Just keep working on it and you'll get over things sooner than you'd believe. But stop the what ifs, and stop thinking you're gonna get back together with her down the line. I know that's what you want right now, but think what advice you'd give someone who's girl is totally flaky walks out on the relationship and then starts calling you after she's discovered you're doing your own thing. We all agree you need to move on. She'll probably call you again, if not, so what. This is all a learning experience. Nobody wants to be with someone like her. No one. So why do you? Only because you've already made an investment. You don't want to be with her, you just want the comfort of being with someone. It can be scarey to have everything one day, and nothing the next, but life's like that. Trust me bobby, you don't need this girl. She's already screwed things up and you'll always question the relationship. Unless she comes to you and apologizes for acting like a total moron, I wouldn't waste one ounce of energy on her. She made the mistake and she's gonna have to win YOU back. Good luck

[Bobby.Roy]

Just want to say it appears you're doing much better than just the other day.

 

Yes, that's true..Today i feel a little better but somedays are really bad, specially the mornings when i get up with all tears in my eyes and i just know that my day is going to be all about her (the breakup, the sadness, the depression)..And i really do not like to be like that at all..

 

Trust me bobby, you don't need this girl. She's already screwed things up and you'll always question the relationship. Unless she comes to you and apologizes for acting like a total moron, I wouldn't waste one ounce of energy on her. She made the mistake and she's gonna have to win YOU back. Good luck

 

Yes, i know there will always be a question in this relationship, i will always keep doubting her because love/relationship is like a mirror..No matter even if u fix it, the cracks will always remain..

 

It really feels sad and very very bad that the girl whom i had planned my entire life with, did something like this, for no apparent reason..She could've totally backed out when she saw that guy was luring her, trying to woo her..Instead, she let her feelings run wild (inspite of being in a healthy, steady relationship)..Thinking about the long past and all the things we did together, really really hurts..

 

But i am carrying on with my life (atleast i am trying to)..Lets see what fate has in store for me...

[Bobby.Roy]

One quick question which i have in mind..

 

She calls and i know she won't call because she wants to reconcile, but she generally calls just to say Hi or Hello and ask how am i? Which, actually hurts more because how am i supposed to be after she broke my heart?

 

So, does talking to her for about say 1 or 2 minutes (just general talk), say once in a week (or twice), send any negative signals to her? Kindly advice.. I am just too confused and in a state of shock (to think anything)..

[stoneymirror]

Bobby, I know the mornings are definitely the toughest. Time will help and after another week you'll be asking yourself why you kept thinking about this situation over and over again. You'll soon realize that you can question everything going on in her life till the cows come home, but you're never gonna be able to come to any conclusions, just more questions.

 

The way I look at it is you can lead yourself down two paths. One that's going to be depressing, and is surrounded around false hope. Or the other, where you're going to be proactive, leave the unknows alone and move forward.

 

If you continue to try to find an answer to all your questions, you're going to be spinning out of control, which I know you're already experiencing. At this point you're confused, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. Your behavior is becoming habitual. This will eventually leave you more confussed and depressed because you're not moving forward. You will eventually be consumed over all the unknowns and there won't be any resolution in sight, but yet you'll try and try to find some reasoning. Unfortunately you brain is under a lot of stress, and no one can think clearly if they've got all these road blocks in the way. What you need to do is relax so you can reason and not just react to your emotions.

 

Your goal here should be a positive one. This is a challenge, and you need to be eager to accomplish the task at hand. Remember this is just a test in life. Make the most out of the situation and tell yourself nothings going to stop me from enjoying life. Realize your the one who's creating these feelings, not the ex. Yes of course she created this issue, but you have control over how you handle it. Nobody makes you feel a certain way, rather you dictate how you let it affect you.

 

Although it may be tough to let her go, you need to realize that by holding on and wishing she'd come back to you, is the same as wishing she'd cheat on you again. You only want part of the package back, and not the whole thing. Unfortunately you're only option is the whole package and we all know the strings attached are going to be way too much to overcome.

 

You need to put your foot down, and have some respect for yourself.

[jmargel]

Bobby.. first off what you have been doing is the best thing you could be doing.

 

You want to pull that safety net from her, you want her to *think* about what she doing. You also want to show/live in a world of confidence. In that, if she doesn't want you then you WILL find someone else. And she will be the one losing out.

 

That being said, although the NC is hard, still keep at it. This NC is starting to make her think. It's starting to make her wonder about what she really wants. You also have to stop putting your own self-worth into this girl. I was at a point where you were and I know it feels awful, but things do get better. What you need to do is start finding other friends, even female ones to go out and distract yourself from the situation. It's ok to have some fun while you are in the middle of this drama.

 

How old are you two? You seem very upset about this, however are you suicidal? Do you have thoughts of it? Are you at a point where you feel complete and total hopelessness in your life?

 

My ex-fiancee left me for my ex-best friend. I know where you are coming from. In my situation she did marry him and had a kid, though she later divorced him. She came to me while she was married and apologized for her behavior, however I was over her by then.

 

Like you I couldn't believe the love of my life would do this to me. The betrayal was the worst. Though what I learned and what you will learn is that, her leaving wasn't because of you. It's to do with her. And yes I know it's frustrating to see this man take advantage of her, however she is responsibile for herself. Don't be there for her, this will tell her that you tolerate her behavior. Set strict ground rules like you are doing. Don't give in at all..

 

If she wants any sort of relationship with you again, I would make it mandatory that she sees a counselor. By the way, how old are you two?

[Bobby.Roy]

I am 25 and she is 27 and thanks for that advice..The worst thing is i dont know what kind of a magic this guy has done to her, inspite of knowing everything about that guy, she still is attracted to that guy and she left ME for him..

 

Damn! That hurt.. :( But i am just scared that may be this NC will take her farther away from me instead of making her miss me? Is that possible? But then again, if she goes away from me because of NC, she didn't quite love me AT ALL!

 

Dont know what's happening with my life, its just so screwed up right now..But what kills me the most is thinking what would they be doing right now, are they doing something ( i mean physical, damn! I dont even want to think about that), etc..

:(

 

I try hard not to think but there are days (and moments) when i just cannot control myself...As for suicidal tendencies, no, i didnt think of committing suicide, though i am a very emotional person but i just CANNOT think of dying..But, yes, i feel a total sense of loss after losing her and i feel just so lonely without her around me, to talk to me, to love me and share everything that we used to..She was JUST like my shadow, literally she was in everything that i did..

 

:(

 

I miss her so bad...This pain really hurts..

[jmargel]

She didn't leave you for him. She left because of the deeper issues inside her. If it wasn't him, then it would be someone else. He is not a better person or has a quality that you don't have. She would have also done this to whoever she was with. What I'm trying to get across is that you aren't the reason why she left.

 

When you get those thoughts in your head about them, force yourself to think of something different. Start taking up hobbies, excerise, find friends (especially females). Also look at possibly seeing a counselor.

 

Don't contact her, like I said in my previous post. You will only be giving her a safety net.