Very depressed - need some serious suggestions...

[Kman21]

srry wrong section

[Bobby.Roy]

Mornings ARE really tough..Today though, i feel just a little better but i know perhaps some-day i will feel absolutely worse..

 

I dont know just WHY she has to leave me (looking for greener pastures,perhaps?)..How can a person settle with someone if the girl that he loves does something like this? I mean, all girls are not like this i am sure..If this would've happened after i married her, it would've been absolutely fatal, i guess..

 

I dont know what is she upto these days, what are both of them doing.

 

One question which comes up in my mind is, since i told her to call me ONLY if she thinks she can work things out with me - now, she called yesterday (last night), and i didn't answer. Is it possible, she wanted to work things out and hence that call? But then, she could've called a 100 times or text msgd me if that would've been the case, right?

 

Now, just HOW am i supposed to know WHICH call is 'the call'?? I am just damn confused about all this...

[Bobby.Roy]

SHE AGAIN CALLED TODAY (just now) but i again didn't respond..I just hope that she doesn't get the wrong picture that i have totally forgotten her and got someone else or something of this sort...

 

I am STRONGLY wondering why is she calling? But she calls just once during the day and THAT's IT..No more calls/ SMSes..Perhaps, that means she just wants to hear my voice and hear how am i doing, is it?

 

But what good it would bring to me? I dont understand when she herself chose to be with that guy, then what is left between us to talk about? Can it be that she wants to talk ABOUT US?

 

Who knows..All i can do is just wonder what she wants to talk about.. I REALLY WONDER..Any insights, anyone? Can one of this call be "the call"? I don't know...

[wonderinwhatsup]

Man, I am in the exact same situation as you.

My ex gf dumped me and we stayed friends (w/benefits) til abt a month ago when she got a new boyfriend. I was trying to get her back the whole time until she started going with the new guy. That's when I initiated NC. Immediately this caused her to panic, i guess and she called usually or texted every other day. This slowed to a once a week, where its at about now. I never take the calls, knowing that she would not leave me a voicemail saying she was sorry. This voicemail of her saying "I'm Sorry" would be the one and only way I would call her back.

 

It's been 2 weeks since she last contacted me. It seems her and hew new bf are taking to each other very nicely. It hurts man, but I know I at the very least I made her seriously question her decision. That was all I could have hoped to achieve. The ball is in her court man, there is nothing that will make you possibly feel better then her saying that, and I assume you have a voicemail.

 

Go have fun man, you're still young. Don't waste some of the best years of your life. Let me know what you end up doing man.

[Bobby.Roy]

Though i do not have a 'voicemail' but she is the kind of girl, who will do anything to get in contact with me if it were THAT DESPERATE a thing to talk about. I am pretty sure, perhaps we haven't talked in like 5-7 days, she will say i just wanted to hear your voice or "how are you", etc..

 

These talks hurt me more than it comforts me. Earlier, just after the break-up, i used to answer her calls THINKING each time that may be she has changed her mind and realized what she is doing but i was wrong each time, she would just talk generally and hang up..

 

May be she has this guilt feeling inside of her, and she wants to talk to me hence? I dont know man, its just that if she REALLY wants to get things working again between us, there are a 101 ways to get in contact with me (not just ONE 'trial' call)...

[wonderinwhatsup]

Exactly man, so why worry. She has to make the decision. So all you CAN do is move on. Sucks, but at least there's no point in worrying.

[Bobby.Roy]

She tried calling once again, and this time i didn't reply (AGAIN!!) and then after half an hour, i text messaged her which read:

 

"Why call me? You took your decision, you chose whom do you want to be with and i respect your decision very much..Take care, bye."

 

I HAD to do this, its not that i am feeling bad or anything after messaging her but i just keep wondering why is she calling me? Does she want to be JUST my friend or does she just wants that "comfort zone" or does she wants to have a "look" at how am i doing..

 

Damn!

[wonderinwhatsup]

She could get in touch with you, she knows how. Stop worrying man and get some sleep its late here on the east coast. Sleep has been so helpful I cannot begin to describe. Remember the ball is in her court. You'll get through this.

[Lostgurl]

She tried calling once again, and this time i didn't reply (AGAIN!!) and then after half an hour, i text messaged her which read:

 

"Why call me? You took your decision, you chose whom do you want to be with and i respect your decision very much..Take care, bye."

 

I HAD to do this, its not that i am feeling bad or anything after messaging her but i just keep wondering why is she calling me? Does she want to be JUST my friend or does she just wants that "comfort zone" or does she wants to have a "look" at how am i doing..

 

Damn!

 

You did the right thing Bobby. Honestly. Just stay strong, and keep doing what you are doing. If she loves you, she'll realize what a fool she's been.

 

Then she'll have to prove herself to YOU. She is the one that messed up. Not you. Remember that ok?

[Bobby.Roy]

You did the right thing Bobby. Honestly. Just stay strong, and keep doing what you are doing. If she loves you, she'll realize what a fool she's been.

 

Then she'll have to prove herself to YOU. She is the one that messed up. Not you. Remember that ok?

Yes, i will remember that..I just hope that she realizes what a great blunder she has done, even if she doesn't come back to me, still i just want her to realize everything..

 

But one thing which is true is - I miss her every moment of my life and i will love her even after my death..

 

****, this is hard.

[datingmum]

oh bobby. I'm sorry to hear your story. I've been reading it. YOu did the right thing in texting her that. Let's see what happens now.

 

In the meantime, try to get yourself into bed early, even if you just surf the net/loveshack etc. It's nice to just lie down and rest even if you can't sleep. Are you eating? I bought in some soups and stuff because I realised 4 days went past with no eating and I was NOT in a great state of mind.

 

We're all here with you.

[Bobby.Roy]

oh bobby. I'm sorry to hear your story. I've been reading it. YOu did the right thing in texting her that. Let's see what happens now.

 

In the meantime, try to get yourself into bed early, even if you just surf the net/loveshack etc. It's nice to just lie down and rest even if you can't sleep. Are you eating? I bought in some soups and stuff because I realised 4 days went past with no eating and I was NOT in a great state of mind.

 

We're all here with you.

Thanks datingmum for the words..I appreciate your concern, yes, all i can do at this moment is just wait and watch and in the meantime try to carry on with my life..

 

Well, i dont feel hungry at all, just been eating for the sake of it... I know it is important, very important to get some sleep but the moment i go to bed, the thoughts just embrace me and i get lost in her thoughts (past and present as well)..But yes, i am trying to recover from all this, its hard, but its not impossible, i know..

[datingmum]

I think that things feel so terrible, literally life shattering. Perhaps we are brought so low, and allow ourselves to drop so low (not eating properly, sleeping, etc, having fun, doing ANYTHING other than simply thinking of them) so that we can then get to the healthy conclusion:

 

"You know what? This situation is awful and I am only hurting myself. I did nothing wrong here and I just want love and happiness with this person. "

 

Once you start thinking that, a healthy sort of anger kicks in and I think that if it's channeled properly, it's when you start coming up from rock bottom. If you use it to motivate and get you through all the baby baby steps, then a few weeks from now, you'll realise "Hey, I haven't moved THAT far, but I can see some progress!" Even if it's just sleeping again, then eating. Routine.

 

What do you think?

 

This has been my experience so far, but I'm pretty much where you are right now as well, just slowly starting to move a bit though.

[Bobby.Roy]

This has been my experience so far, but I'm pretty much where you are right now as well, just slowly starting to move a bit though.

 

Yes, baby steps is the way to go for now..I just get so scared even thinking how long it'll take for me to recover from all this.. 8 years of being in such a lovely relationship and all the love, care, time and everything goes into drain..:(

[datingmum]

I sympathise and empathise completely.

 

It is going to take a bit, let's be realistic. But it hasn't all gone down the drain in the sense that you sound like a very caring, sensitive, emotionally cool guy who wants love and happiness in his life. Yes, you've just broken up and things don't look like they'll ever be right. Yes, you are sad and messed up and generally pissed off about it. Yes, it sucks. BUT, you are also young, now armed with alot of knowledge and imagine this: how great is it going to be when you hook up with someone that can see and appreciate adn WANTS all that you have to offer? I know it's hard right now, but the work you've done in the relationship over the last 8 years will make you a very wonderful husband/father etc. It's all learning on the path.

 

I on the other hand am completely enraged by the fact that I have wasted 3 years of my daughters lives and scarred them. There is no 'learning' involved for them. Other than that people can't get along, they fight, it causes pain and turmoil, then people just *leave* instead of stay and try to fix it.

[Bobby.Roy]

Guess, we all here are in the same boat and this really is sad..

 

Latest:

 

She called just now AGAIN, after she called this morning..But, i did not answer this time as well..Though i wanted to, but i just did not..I dont know what she has to talk to me, or she wants to reconcile (its too early for that i guess), but she didn't call again..

 

I think if there would've been something really IMPORTANT, she could've messaged and if IT IS actually about reconcilation or something similar and i am not answering my phone, then she can land at my doorstep! She knows where i live..

 

I think (just a guess), she is a little worried (missing me, may be even) about me..Or does she need that "comfort zone" around me, which she is losing and hence these are kind of "panic phone calls"..I dont know, i really dont know what is going through her mind right now...

[datingmum]

Bobby, probably all of the above. She will now have to go through all the stages you are going through: sadness, grief, denial, bargaining anger etc. If she ever does leave a message, i bet it will have a hint of anger in it, as if you're doing something wrong.

 

She misses you, it's natural. She is freaking out because you are now well and truly out of her life and maybe she's not sure if she likes it. She will also be worried about your health and well being as the love you shared never dies, just changes.

 

Whatever she's thinking, I think you should stick to this course for a bit. You've clearly stated you want to reconcile. She knows this. She can send you a letter, a card, an email, flowers WHATEVER if she wants to get through to you. Or text you "let's meet" WHATEVER. My gut says that if she is just sticking to the phone calls, she is just testing right now, to see where you are. Therefore, in order to attract her back - if this is at all possible - you need to be out of reach for a while. If you are in reach, she will thing "hmmm, is this really what I want again" all the while you spiral further into drama because you start contemplating her everymove, every time she does/doesn't contact you etc. you will become demanding, irritable and unhappy. Right now, you are coping with your grief. For all she knows you could be out with the guys! Fake it until you make it, i've always been told. So, the point is, stay out of touch until you get something concrete from her. Not being in touch allows her to miss you, remember all the wonderful things, reassess what she wants in her mind. Allowing her to miss you affords her a catalyst to examine her decision. If you do not allow her to miss you, she will never be forced to reckon with this decision.

 

AND I MEAN IT, especially in your case, DO NOT break down and send a simple " I am fine. Please don't contact me unless you want to reconcile" sort of text.

 

nothing babe.

 

NOTHING.

 

Trust me. In a few days, she is going to seriously lose it! I can tell just by what she's been doing!

[Bobby.Roy]

Datingmum: Wow! That was a deep insight into her psyche..Yes, your points are absolutely valid that if she WANTS to reconcile, she will find a 101 ways to get to me, and not just a 'test' call every now and then..

 

But i think she is actually missing me just a wee bit little (may be), who knows and i just hope that somewhere down the line, she realizes what she has lost!

 

datingmum: You are really helpful, i really appreciate all your replies..

[datingmum]

Just give her the space to lose it. Promise. No one keeps calling like that unless they want to.

 

she is missing you. it's what she'll do with that missing you that's important. do not settle for scraps because she WILL continue to jerk your chain and know you are still there. remember, you are great and you've done your best. if she wants it, believe me, as a woman, there is no way in hell that I'd let him not answering stop me from marching over and demanding to be seen and heard.

[Bobby.Roy]

Just give her the space to lose it. Promise. No one keeps calling like that unless they want to.

 

she is missing you. it's what she'll do with that missing you that's important. do not settle for scraps because she WILL continue to jerk your chain and know you are still there. remember, you are great and you've done your best. if she wants it, believe me, as a woman, there is no way in hell that I'd let him not answering stop me from marching over and demanding to be seen and heard.

Okay..

 

But what i am scared about is, is this "not answering" gonna have a negative impact like she stopping all contacts with me and may be forgetting me? :( Damn! That even sounds so scary..

[datingmum]

the truth is, no one really knows.

 

One thing is certain though, you guys have been together a long long time. She will not accept simply disappearing out of your life, even if she doesn't want to be with you romantically anymore.

 

Let's just wait and see if what I predict will happen happens. You'll either hear from her less and less, at which time you can reevaluate what you do (NC will cause no lasting damage, let's face it, love is stronger than that). But i predict she'll go crazy! At which time, perhaps you can calmly and cooly be like "hey, hey calm down. Jeeesh. sorry i didn't answer, but i got another phone and didnt' look at this one for ages" or "oh, sorry, i've been so busy, I just thought that if it was important you'd leave a message or something". All of which MUST be delivered with absolute brevity and calmness and a sense of suave. You've gotta smoke her out!

 

christ i sound like george dubyah

[macon]

"Its been a couple of days since she called last. This is absolutely heart-breaking and HARD as hell, but i believe no contact is the only way i can move forward. I don't see her coming back to me, frankly, not in the near future anyways. But i still have hope, that perhaps someday she would want to be together again."

 

But then ....

 

"My birthday is coming up next week (April, 1st week)..If she calls, then should i accept the call (and her wishes)..Or do i doesn't even receive her call (since i am on NC)?? I don't really want to avoid her call on my birthday, atleast but then, i am not so sure what i should do..Please advice.."

 

Seriously, you need to abide by your Non-contact policy - it's the only way you're going to give yourself a chance of getting over this. The more you obsess about whether she calls, doesn't call, what you should text or not text etc. etc. the more you stay in this situation. Yes it's going to hurt like crazy for several months, if not more, but it will get better. It just won't if you keep torturing yourself like this. And once you can see with a clearer head you'll realise you don't want to be with someone who loves and respects you so little that they lie and cheat. Not exactly character traits that are attractive, or desirable. Plenty of girls out there who don't behave like that, and you deserve one of them - you just won't be able to see that they're there until you get your head away from this one. Good luck

[Bobby.Roy]

the truth is, no one really knows.

 

One thing is certain though, you guys have been together a long long time. She will not accept simply disappearing out of your life, even if she doesn't want to be with you romantically anymore.

 

Yes, this is so true, and i am sure this will be going through her mind, FOR SURE..

 

You know we have been THROUGH so much! Good times, bad times, ups and downs and everything else which a couple of 8 years faces..EVERYTHING..She fought with her parents for me, i fought with people whom i didn't even know, for her and after all that we have been through, she did this..

 

These are the things she MIGHT just be thinking, i guess, although she said she doesn't feel the same for me anymore..But the thing is if she is with that guy, then why is she calling me..she should be happy that i let her free..

 

Ahh! Mind games.. Damn!

[datingmum]

oh yeah. I forgot the cheating bit. don't know how really. I got a divorce for many reasons, but the biggest driver was the fact that i felt attracted to another man and i wanted to pursue it but felt terribly guilty etc. So I gave my exhusband a final chance, and told him it was so. After 6 months, nothing changed, so I then moved on.

 

That is what a good partner does. They accept that it is easy to fall into attraction with someone but do not deceive, hurt and crush someone and do something morally wrong. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I think she owed you that.

 

I understand she may have been young when you two hooked up though to and the idea of telling you would have broken you two forever and maybe she just needed to learn that you cannot find outside of yourself what you seek inside. only you know the truth.

 

stick with the nc even if it drives you nuts. you will be happier if you do, eventually.

[macon]

'Ahh! Mind games.. Damn!"

 

You know you're allowing this to happen don't you? The more you obsess about her the more you're allowing this torture to continue. Yes, you can't choose what she does, but you can choose how you react. The absolute best thing you can do to take care of yourself in this situation is to stop contact - just as you said you should do. But that means all contact. The more you keep contact, keep worrying about what she might or might not be doing, the less chance you're giving yourself to get out of this horrible feeling you're in. I always liken it to a 'black pit' - been there myself a couple of times - the only person who can get you out of it is you, and the only way to do that is to refuse to allow her to have all the power, which is what you're doing by letting her actions/feelings dictate yours. If you take the control back you will start to feel better, because you'll gain a modicum of self-respect - and you can build on that. It's baby steps, but you have to start the process otherwise you'll be in this pit forever.